I M Perfect lady

Tag: sisters

  • Family is Relating.

    In the past weeks I have had sister relationships with ladies not related to me, yet we related. 

     

    And when I tried to relate to those related to me, we failed.

     

    What I failed to focus on were the ladies who related to me, and instead part of my head was with those who I could no longer relate to, struggling to find the words or phrases to make us match.

     

    I failed. 

     

    We don’t match.

     

    It isn’t them or it isn’t me. 

     

    They are fine alone and I am fine alone, but put us together and negativity pops out of them and out of me.

     

    We are not what some would call each other’s better half.

     

    Last night I was with two women who are not related to me, and we related beautifully. 

     

    We tossed conversation back and forth and held each other’s truths easily, we matched, I fit in their worlds, there wasn’t a struggle to find a little glimmer of commonality, and we flowed with each other effortlessly.

     

    It was as one said, ‘family that is not family’.

     

    I believe that we match or we don’t match and there isn’t anything we can do to force a relationship against reality, any more than we can stop one that grows organically.

     

    As I sit here today and look backward upon all the wonderful spirited wise individual ladies I have had the privilege to share my journey with, I am in wonder of these relationships.

     

    Some are just forming, others were formed a while back and are growing deeper and more meaningful to me, some seem to have gone ahead and were waiting for me to arrive with open arms and hearts.

     

    How grateful am I for their journeys that coincided with mine, yet years apart.

     

    Ladies of strength and willingness to participate in life fully not shying away when their truths lead them from their comfort zones. 

     

    Ladies of integrity, who use their voices to speak for themselves always, these are my sisters, the ones I relate to, the ladies whose footsteps I am following, who give me energy and hope.

     

    These sisters are bold and follow their north star no matter where it leads and who they have to leave behind; they are willing to let go to hold on to what they know is their truth.

     

    How lucky am I to have them sprinkled along my journey to share this experience, to enhance my life, to lighten my load, to brighten my day, to inspire me and cheer me on as I continue to build a stronger me.

     

    Thanks to each of my soul sisters for the relationship we have, the braveness you show in sharing yourself with me, and the inspiration your story lends is hope to me.

     

    Family is relating.

     

    My chosen families are those that relate to me.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Held On So Tightly…

    I awoke at 4:00 am, with my right hand tightly clenched, my arm sore.

     

    A dream flooded my awareness.

     

    I was at a beach, and saw a young girl pour gasoline into the front seat of my car, I hollered, and she looked at me and continued to pour.

     

    When I arrived at the car, she was still standing there smiling and pouring gas in my car, I caught her hand.

     

    And held on.

     

    We were connected for hours, while I tried to call the police, while we waited for them to arrive, while we waited for them to do something.  For the whole long day, I had to hold on to this unruly defiant child, this young girl who did everything in her power to get a way.

     

    I went from hanging on tightly with one hand to at times keeping her in a double arm hug/hold.

     

    She had friends who came by and made snide comments to me, while they tried to get her free from my grasp, yet I held on tighter. 

     

    Her mother and family also happened by, and the mother said, go ahead see if you can do something…

     

    All day long this longhaired, thin as a rail girl and I were joined, she wanting so desperately to get away and I as so determined to hold her.

     

    When I awoke, I realized this is a great metaphor for holding on to wishing someone would change.

     

    It took all my energy, attention, concentration, to hold on to this girl who wanted to no part of what I wanted, and I wouldn’t let go.

     

    Neither of us allowed to be free.

     

    All it takes is one person to change their direction of struggle, it only takes one and we are both free.

     

    As I look upon the last few days, and me trying to get my sisters to see my point of view….this struggle depicts it perfectly.

     

    I am trying to convince them against their will.

     

    When I went to bed last night, I recalled how my mother always focused on who didn’t arrive; who didn’t send a card, who didn’t treat her well, and then wasn’t able to be aware of who did. 

    Her habit became my habit, I too lose many hours of precious time focusing on a segment of people who are in my mental mind’s opinion, not doing what they ‘need’ to do.

     

    I felt a long line of misunderstanding unravel last night as I lay in bed, and then the dream filled my sleeping hours.

     

    If you are so busy working with those struggling against you, you can’t play and enjoy those with you.

     

    I am letting them go…

     

    In my dream, as the long day ended, when we were both tired, I took her information down on how to reach her, and I let her go.

     

    My last sight of her was her walking away free, adjusting her clothes and shrugging and correcting herself, like a dog shaking its self once free from a leash.

     

     

    And I sat there rubbing my hand that had held on so tightly….

     

     

     

  • The Consequences are nothing.

     

    “To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.”   

             Theodore H. White

     

     

    Today a sister has a birthday…I am silent.

     

    I will go against the usual Happy Birthday banter and say nothing. 

     

    Saying nothing matches the flavor of our relationship, which is nothing.

     

    To pretend that we do have something between us seems pointless to me, to drop our nothingness for one moment to utter ‘happy birthday seems sacrileges.

     

    We both agree we do not match, there is no pretending between us, so it seems even odder to step out of our nothingness to act in a manner of being ‘something’ to each other, and then retreat back into nothingness.

     

    It doesn’t feel heroic, but sad that my relationships between them and me were so easily changed to nothing.

     

    Nothing is what we are to each other.

    Not sisters or friends, maybe more like strangers we once thought we knew.

     

    Standing in the truth of nothingness feels better than wanting something from nothing.

     

    I know that I am the one who changed severely, who went against the dominant way of thinking, what I didn’t expect was that, that act alone would relegate me to nothing.

     

    It takes a heroine to be nothing, to stand with yourself, your truths and your perceptions, knowing you are heading against the current and will suffer the consequences.

     

    The consequences are nothing.

     

  • A sad, but kinder me.

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    My facebook had a message today, my sister responded.

    She will not be reading my blog, ‘because that is your truth/your feelings and it is not about me.”

     

    She is correct.  Yet I find it interesting she is unwilling to read it.

     

    I am not sure what that means for our ‘broken’ relationship.

    How can we come together if one side will not listen to the other? 

     

    What I recall most from all my siblings is their defense, and maybe that is what they remember of me.

     

    It seemed that we were two teams.  I was a team of one.

     

    And maybe we all are supposed to be teams of one.

     

    It doesn’t seem like they are teams of one, but one big team standing together in agreement.

     

    Funny, I had thought they would be interested in reading why I walked away, that they would want to know.

     

    I wondered what would hurt more, them not reading or reading and not believing. 

     

    It is odd to be so visible, yet so hidden.

    To be so open, yet closed off.

     

    This just leaves me sitting in a weird spot.

     

    She says, “You havent wanted any contact with me, not the other way around.”  Yet she doesn’t see that when I invite her to my blog, to hear my view etc, she walks away.

    She doesn’t see her own actions, she doesn’t see herself turn away from me.  Just that I am doing something she doesn’t want to see.

     

    Interesting to see the two sides.

     

    She walks away and blames me.

    Incredible.

     

    No wonder I replied, “I have no words, none that you care to hear.” 

     

    The only way she would come back is if I were to change my words.

     

    I can’t.

     

    My authentic truthful self is one that makes them turn away.

     

    I knew this, but hadn’t put it in writing.

     

    My sister gave me that opportunity to know that it was not I who walked away, I simply faced them with my truth and they turned away.

     

    Wow, this is new knowledge to me, for I always held myself responsible for tossing aside a family.  I just didn’t see that they tossed me aside.  I felt it, I felt the undeniable abandonment, but it did seem like I was the one to blame.

     

    It seemed like a self inflicted wound.

     

    For four years I have held myself responsible for me walking away.  When all I was guilty of was speaking my truth, a truth that had them walking away.  I feel better in a odd way, that it wasn’t me that left them, they left me.

     

    Somehow I feel kinder about myself.

    A sad, but kinder me.

     

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”

               Buddha

  • Sisters

    Three Sisters, three lives, three dreams, One Source.

    Each life has it's own path, unknown to all and maybe even her.

    Each life is filled with passions for things she wants to do.

    Each life has sorrows, failures and growth.

    Each life reaches towards dreams beyond her wildest hopes.

    The Source can change from time to time, depending on her lesson.

    Sometimes we love the things that hurt and hurt the things we love.

    Sometimes we lead and at times we follow, all with a loving heart.

    Sometimes we know, sometimes we don't  and times we need each other so.

    Sisters come in all shapes and sizes, some related some just feel connected to.

    Sisters, there isn't one perfect one, but one that fits our needs.

    May us sisters always find each other in our own truth and honesty.

    May we heal our wounds and celebrate all the pleasures on the way.

    May we always have one right near by just in case of need.

    I love the sisters of this world, all the broken, abused, happy, and sad, delighted, at peace, in trouble and at need.  I want you all to know there is no imperfect sister to be found.  A sister always fits with me.

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