I M Perfect lady

Tag: strings

  • While waiting…

    What came to me today while mindlessly tossing mail, was that the reason I was so sorely affected by my daughter’s life, was that her life was in my life, that we didn’t have a clear and separate space between what is hers and what is mine, the apron string was still connected.

    The impact upon my body and psyche was equal to it happening to me, where my inner wounded child responded, my ‘mental lady’ mom came out ready to fight battle, and the Loving awareness arrived all fully engaged in her life as soon as she spoke of her crisis.

    What was so beautiful and tragically displayed were how all the parts of me felt and responded and finally released her to be on her own, a completely felt separation and liberation for myself but more importantly for her.

    She was given her life without any strings attached to me.

    While it was the hardest thing for me to do, to let my child go it was almost like a second birth, but this time a birth of freedom.

    And a three-week labor of intense inner working and letting go.

    As long as I feel the strain or worry of what her actions will be, there is a string attached into my world, and I have to snip it to let her be fully and completely free.

    It is not to say, I will no longer give word of wisdom or point out what I see in reality, or how I see changes happening between her and I, I will. But the greatest thing is, that our bodies and psyches are separated.

    It almost seems like this was my last co-dependent exam, a lesson with huge consequences one that my old co-dependent self would have longed to get wrapped up in like an old cozy blanket.

    Yet this time it felt like I was being possessed by another’s life, that their choices had the power to make or break my life, take my peace, destroy my inner sanctity of love and joy and that I was once again riding shotgun in another’s life.

    It was the ultimate life review of how it feels to be a victim in a co-dependent relationship.

    When I look at my daughter there are no strings attached to my happiness or my unhappiness, instead I am sitting in a place of wonder.

    I wonder what it is she will do.
    I wonder how it will affect her.
    I wonder, but my life isn’t totally eclipsed by her life, I feel space opening up and distance coming in.

    A place where If she is to suffer, I can be there as the non-suffering one, we are no longer one big animal of two.

    Today, I was listening to a CD by Sarah Ban Breathnach called, “Romancing the Ordinary.” What she is teaching and talking about is how to romance your self and be fully engaged and in love with you and your life.

    It is simply delightful in the very simple ways we can look around where we are and see what is all there. How we can listen instead of just hear, how we can use all our senses to connect to the Universe.

    I am thinking as long as I was connected to the lives of so many, there wasn’t space or feelings of my senses left for me to use in my life, for me to feel for me, to see for me, to be for me, for so long my life has been used by others.

    Sarah spoke of the waiting. And in my case I have been waiting for my daughter to make a choice, breathlessly waiting, life stopping waiting.

    What Sarah suggests is to make use of the time while we wait, while the Universe and her soul converse and decide, I can use this time in a million little ways.

    While I wait, I can quilt, I can read, I can sit and watch the sunrise, I can sip tea and watch the fire, feel the warmth of a quilt, smell the scent of a candle, and the waiting will pass by…in delight.

    I can’t know tomorrow or what or when or if, how her life will go, but I can get busy in my life while I wait.

    I love this.

    I already listened to a few CD’s while I waited.

    I enjoyed a bowl of soup and homemade bread, while I waited.

    I love that I am free to pass the time while I wait, instead of sitting and worrying while I wait.

    What a huge gift to live my life while I wait to see what transpires in hers. When she needs me, I can stop enjoying the waiting and act.

    I can’t tell you how this simple idea freed me or gave me permission to enjoy my time while waiting.

  • Strings to my Respond Ability.

    324 days have passed so far this year, and I have done yoga for 319 of them, and it has taken this long to wrestle free my backwards sense of Respond- Ability.

    I am almost 52 years old, and I am just now feeling to the depth of each cell that I have the ability to respond freely.

    That I have wiggle free and have sprouted a new sense of freedom that is as big as the Universe, like I have climbed out of a long long dark tunnel where I had little room to express my free will.

    The ability to be free to respond is the death of a victim and the birth of a survivor and even bigger than that, a second birth of me.

    A me that will stand tall and strong in my ability to respond, no matter what happens I can respond in kind.

    I didn’t know that feeling responsible for others and the feelings I was betraying them was a huge red flag waving inside of me, screaming…you are being victimized again.

    Each and every time I beat myself up inside for being irresponsible, it was wrong, I should have been cheering each and every time I had the ability to respond from the inside out, instead of pleasing the outside folks.

    This has to be my main vein and the toughest one to overcome, the ‘feelings’ of guilt when I did for me and not for them, when I responded to the voice inside, to the little girl’s spirit, to the essence of who I am.

    It was like there were dueling responses inside and one would affect the outside attention the other inside.

    I used to be whore for anyone outside of me, and I was bought cheap and sold my inside happiness for a smile and approval while inside the spirit of me shriveled up.

    What I also thought of today, is that I have been watching the wrong window, waiting for cheers from the people who are not cheering me on, while not paying adequate attention to the wonderful strong wise folks who are.

    Inside of me my responsibility thirst was seeking approval from the wrong side, and I failed to appreciate the loud cheers from those cheering on my little girl, by brave woman, my new self.
    The time has come to gather with like minds, join the spirits of those who know my journey and are walking with me and letting go of the sense of guilt that I wasn’t able to respond to their needs, for their needs are not mine to attend to.

    I love that I am allowed to just attend to me.
    I respond for just me.
    I act for just me.
    I move for just me.
    I dance for just me.
    I sing for me, talk, walk and be just for me.

    I am no longer a puppet on the string, a victim, where all my responses were for the one pulling on the string!

    No more strings to my respond ability!