Tag: surrendering

  • It Caught Me.

    David Hawkins, "Healing and Recovery" writes about Catastrophes and Crisis.

    "Acute catastrophes are the times when we make great leaps, when we face them directly and fixedly say, "I will not veer from this spiritual work."  Now we are really confronted with truly spiritual work.  It is not reading some pleasant-sounding phrases in a book or looking at some happy picture.  Instead, we are right in the thick of it, in the teeth of it.  The teeth of spiritual work occur when we are confronted with that which we cannot avoid.  It is the direct confrontation that requires a leap in consciousness."

    "These are the golden opportunities that are priceless if we see them that way, if we are willing to be with them and say, "Okay."  The willingness to go with them, no matter how painful it may be, enables a giant leap in consciousness, a real advance in wisdom and knowledge, and awareness. That which we read about in books then becomes our own inner experience."

    "There is something below the emotionality that is experiencing this energy out for a person.  It is literally being handled by something far greater than one's personal self.  If only the small personal self were present, one would be swamped and obliterated by the energy released during these experiences.  One survives the experience because there is something greater than the personal self that is more capable of handling them."

    "The trick of the mind is to not see that.  It tries to change what goes on "out there", tries to figure it out, and then falls back on the intellect and finds that the intellect is not going to resolve this kind of problem. When we have dropped a big oak log on our foot and broken all the bones across the front of the foot, what is needed at that moment is our readiness and willingness to handle what life presents.  Having the tools and the willingness brings about very rapid healing."

    "There is the awareness in acute overwhelm that we really can handle the experiences.  Part of the panic comes from the realization that what we think we are – our powerless, limited self – is no match for the power of this experience. That is precisely what is going on – the limited individual, personal self cannot handle the overwhelm. this is the precise spiritual value of it.  What do we really want to change about the experience?  We will see that what we want to do is change how we feel about it. What we can know is that the feelings will come and go.  The even is not going to bother us after the feeling state. All that we have to experience through is the acute upsurge and energy of the emotion. The events will take care of themselves."

    The desire to change what occurred and how we feel about it have to be surrendered. The confrontation is there, and all we can do is say yes to experiencing it through, no matter what the nature is, such as a death of a loved one, divorce, separation, an acute emergency, or a catastrophic injury. All bring about a taste of shock that is the same, no matter what is the precipitating event.  The shock is the sudden realization of our powerlessness, the fact that the will has met a brick wall, that we are stoppable and have been stopped, and that the personal will cannot have its way."

    Therefore, the shock and realization of all this is the same in all the experiences, along with the fact that it is unchangeable and permanent. That is the shock.  It is as though we come up full speed against a brick wall, and every time in life when we do this, it releases the same energy field."

    "If you have been through more than one of these experiences in your life, you can look back and realize that this is so, and that each time the state of shock was the same.  The experience and sequence were the same.  There was the experience with the feeling of sudden numbness, the state of disbelief, and then the unleashing of all the negative feelings."

    "When we look at the negative feelings precisely and at some of the experiences we have had, we realize that  we experienced all of this. We experienced the totality of that negative energy field. In the morning it would be present, and in the afternoon it would still be present.  In fact, within a minute's time, we fluctuated back and forth.  It is like a scintillating energy field in which the form of the emotionality is flickering from anger to resentment, to self-pity, to jealousy, to getting even, to revenge, to hate, to hating God, to hating oneself, to blaming the family and society, to blaming the government and laws.  The mind wildly races around in this negative energy field. We can see the diffuseness and formlessness of it. It is like a basketful of negative energy, and we only have to hand the basket, not all the little things that flicker around in it."

    "We only have to handle the 'all' of it.  When we see that it is decompressing the 'all' of it, it moves us rapidly through it and out the other side. We see that it is an inescapable experience, and we must have the willingness to surrender to the work that has to be done now.  How can we tell when that work is finished?  When we suddenly come out into that inner state of peace."

    "We know that years later people continue to have resentment and anger and are still caught in some aspect of that negative energy field because the events are not handled in the first place.  The person was unwilling to sit down and handle them until completed.  People are unwilling to do this because of the pain involved and because they do not know the techniques to use."

    "Every time they go at it, they again start trying to change the events in the world and handle the thoughts.  The intellect and the mind try to figure it out, and the person runs into the same impasse. By not having an effective tool with which to handle events, the work remains incomplete."

    "What happens with the incomplete work and the emotions that were not released? That which is left undone begins to express itself in emotional attitudes and in the body in the form of illness.  The unconscious guilt that was not let go of over the catastrophe that happened many years ago comes forth through the autonomic nervous system and the acupuncture energy system and connects with something from the mind.  The energy field of the intellect of thinkingness is in the 400s. The energy field of guilt, fear, or anger then couples with some belief system in the mind about a particular illness that results in a physical illness.  In psychoanalysis, it would be called psychosomatic, and in this case, the contribution of the psychological element is on the surface and quite visible. The end result of the unresolved emotional healing of a catastrophic experience is often an illness that may occur many years later. the grief that was left undone at the time of the death of some family member twenty years earlier, for example, may now express itself as a heart attack."

    "A thing has been handled when we feel at peace and complete with it.  It no longer recurs or brings up pain when we think about it; we feel satisfied.  There may be regret about having to live through it, but somehow we come out on the other side of it as a different kind of person, and with that knowledge, there is a certain sense of peace that lets us know it has been handled now.  Catastrophic experiences are the seeds, the very essence, of the ultimate spiritual  experience.  Within it and following it to its very center core, totally walking off the cliff in complete abandonment, the full surrender to the experience is the very see and core of that which the spiritual seeker has been searching for all along."

    "With many catastrophic situations in ordinary life, there is an incomplete resolution of the experience, along with a lack of awareness of the jewel-like qualities and opportunities within the events.  We are overwhelmed by the 'whatness' of them and look in the wrong direction. The mind also gets a secret payoff from the negative emotions (e.g., attention, self-pity, drama) plus indulgence and martyrdom, etc."

    "Many times when drugs are introduced, altered states of consciousness occur, and the person is taken to the emergency room.  What could be a crucial spiritual discovery is covered over with a band-aid, and the family tries to distract the person from the spiritual work."

    "The essential aspect of the spiritual benefit comes from running directly into the experience.  There is a saying in Zen to "Walk straight ahead, no matter what," so when this catastrophic experience comes, it is beneficial to center oneself right into the core of it, say "yes" to it and experience it through."

    "There have been catastrophic experiences in my life where band-aids were available, and I refused to accept them because by then I had learned the value of experiencing them through. The band-aids really prevent the experiencing through of what might be called 'hitting bottom'.  The concept of hitting bottom, which is well known in handling many serious problems, such as alcoholism, means to let go completely."

    "In an acute catastrophic situation, the mind tries to cling to that which is familiar.  It tries escapism, distractions, tranquilizers, drugs and alcohol, and various other ways of trying to ameliorate the situation rather than face it directly and work through it."

    "The essence of a catastrophic situation is total surrender to the discovery of that which is greater than the personal self.  The experiencing through completely of the catastrophic brings us into a connection and realization that there is something within ourselves that has the power to sustain, no matter how catastrophic the experience appears to be.  As a result, we come out the other side of it as a greater person with the awareness that there is something within, that there is a Presence, a quality, or an aspect of life within that has the power to sustain us through the most seemingly impossible situations." 

    "If the catastrophic experience is not worked through completely, there are certain residuals. It is like we have only halfway fallen off the cliff.  Some people think they walked off the cliff, but actually we find that they were secretly crossing their fingers and hanging onto some little outcropping or lifeline.  The abandonment to God was not really total, so a doubt remains, and out of that doubt is the residual of, for example, grief or fear of the experience.  If we do not experience something greater than the personal self, when going through the experience, we may end up with a limitation, a certain crippling, and inability to go beyond a certain point, and the willingness to participate becomes limited.  The person who says, "I would rather live a limited life than face that kind of experience again.  I would rather never love again than to love and lose."  The saying is, "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." The experiencing of lovingness puts us in touch with our Self, that which is greater than our own limited, small self."

    "The complete resolution brings us into conscious contact with something that is greater than the personal self. Many people who have tried to attest to the fact that when they surrendered the small self to something greater than themselves, they came into contact with that which they consider to be 'real'. That personal inner experience of spiritual reality takes one from book learning to a profound inner conviction.  Out of this inner conviction comes the willingness to re-enter life again, to participate in it, and to take the risks and chances."

    "What is the inner experience of hitting bottom?  It comes out of the feelings of hopelessness and despair; the person's small self is saying, " I of my own self, cannot handle this."  The person surrenders out of the hopelessness, and from that comes the willingness to let go, the surrender to something greater than oneself.  At the very bottom, in the pits, one realizes and accepts the truth, "I, of myself, my own individual personal self, my own ego-self, am unable to hand this.  I am unable to resolve it."  It is out of this defeat that victory and success arise.  The phoenix rises out of the ashes of despair and hopelessness.  It is not the despair and the hopelessness that are of value, but the letting go and the realization of the limitation of the small self.  In the middle of the catastrophe, the person says, "I give up.  I cannot handle this," and then may consciously or unconsciously as God for help."

    "Due to the law of free will and nature of consciousness being what it is, it is said that the great beings that are willing to help all of us are waiting for us to say "yes."  It is the sudden turning from the bottom of the barrel to the willingness to accept that there is something greater than ourselves that we can turn to. When the person asys, "If there is a God, I ask him to help me," then the great transformative experiences happen that have been recorded throughout history from the very beginning."  David Hawkins.

    Wow.  I know it is long, and if you are still reading….what I can say is this is all true.  When I found myself in the middle of something far too big and I too small, did I then find a Self, I wasn't even aware of. A soul, a connection to God…or I found God.  It was in the midst of pure hopelessness and despair…when I took the free fall over the edge that It caught me.  

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Imperfectly Me.

    Yesterday morning, after a sleepless night I wrote the post about unconditional love, about knowing to the depth of my soul, no matter what I will not be the one to abuse my wounded child.

    I let go of all things but unconditional love.

    My husband and I had decided we would get out of the house and go for breakfast to give us a chance to talk privately.

    My husband turns to me when I enter the car and says, “do you have anything left to say to our daughter, is there anymore you have to offer?”

    And I say very weak defeated, no, I have nothing, all my knowing, my wise words and experience, all my efforts and love are not seemingly working, I am at the end of the road, I have nothing.

    He says, “Good. Here is how this is going to go down. What we did to her last night, by pressing her is going to drive her out of our home. I will not do that to her. She is hurt and needs a place to be, where there is no one pressuring her, a place where she feels comfortable…I love my daughter and want her always to feel that she is welcome in our home no matter what.

    I tell him, I agree. I just learned about my unconditional love for her, that I too will not hurt her when she is down.

    The next thing he says is you have to let her go, let her do it her way, let her be EVEN if she decides to move out of our home, let her decide, You have to let her go.

    I tell him he is asking too much.

    In that instant, I feel the little girl in me terrified of letting go, of losing once again.

    I tell him, Honey I know about letting go, about letting them decide, of allowing them to be, I let my family go and none of them came back to me.

    I have lost and I have lost and none of them ever come back, you are asking way too much, and now you are asking me to let go of my little girl to let her go free while she is alone and lost.

    I can’t let her go, for if she doesn’t come back I don’t know what I will do, I can’t let her go, I don’t have a heart big enough to bear this if she doesn’t come back.

    I tell him, “Mr. Big as a House Heart Man, you will have to lead this, you will have to stand in front of me, for me with the “Little as a Rock Broken Heart lady can’t be out front, I am afraid that if this little piece shatters, I will not have anything left, that I will go down and not come back up.”

    Honey I can let her go but your big heart will have to carry me, my heart isn’t big enough to do this alone and I don’t know how.

    In that moment I felt my holding grasp, its final clutch leave, and she was set off alone.

    Peace overcame me in that instant that seemed to settle over the spot that terror lived.

    My husband continues on unaffected by my emotional display. He says, “we can’t tell her what to do, she is a young lady, she is inexperienced, but this is how she will learn, we will offer her a space here to heal, but not tell her what to do.”

    I am in total agreement and following his lead.

    It is the first time in my life I let go of being responsible of taking the lead of getting on the back of the motor bike, of getting out of the wind and flying bugs and debris to snuggle in behind him and let him tell me what it is we need to do.

    What my husband and I then discussed was exactly what he had done for me six years ago when my world crumbled, when I too discovered that the relationships I had were very dysfunctional, when I had lost my way, when I found my self upside down and backwards, when I didn’t have a radar that knew its way, my dear husband opened up his heart wider, opened up our home, and allowed me to enter in.

    Nothing changed inside, it remained a place of normal in an otherwise upside down unnormal world.

    I entered in exactly as I found myself; there were no requirements no rules or regulations that I had to change first to be here.

    He allowed me the space, he demanded nothing, he asked no questions, he made no suggestions, he allowed me, a frightened wounded animal, to come into the warm space of his loving home and curl up an be safe.

    He never, not once asked me to do something I did not want to do, he waited for me to decide I was ready.

    He never not once wanted me to be further healed than I was, he waited for me to share with him.

    He continued to love and hold me like nothing had changed, to him I was the same person but sick or wounded, that was all.

    I told him, ”What you want me to do for our daughter is what you already did for me, I can do this.”

    I get to be him, to walk in his shoes and just allow her to be. I know even more for I have actually walked those steps.

    I felt immediately, that this was the right path for healing for I know that without him, this house, the space and undemanding loved ones, I would not have made it. I can now give to her that.

    I told him, “I can’t imagine what this had to be like for you, with a wounded wife, to be the only one to do this, it had to be very hellish, and how did we make it through that?”

    He isn’t wanting to go back, he wants to be here.

    He tells me, “you are not to say anything negative, in fact you are not allowed to say anything at all, you are to go on creating a loving home, doing what we have always done here and let her just be.”

    I say, “Honey I get it, I get to be a loving mom unconditionally l can do this.”

    I say I will follow your lead, for did the perfect job for me.

    As we sat face to face over breakfast, my body a noodle, empty and drained, feeling like I had just completed a 6 year marathon, I say to him.

    “Honey, what would a perfect mother have done?”

    He says to me, “she would have stopped this morning like you did, she would done exactly everything you did and said, but she would stop now and let her go.”

    I know for some this may not seem like an answer to a trouble wounded child, but it worked for a very mentally twisted up and wounded adult child.

    I sit in awe of what this man has done for me, and what we, him and I can do for our little girl, our almost woman child who has been wounded, we can open our home, our hearts and welcome her in.

    We demand nothing but accept all.
    We say nothing unless asked.

    We work hard to maintain the energy or atmosphere of our home as it always was.

    We keep this the one piece in the world unchanged in her very changed life.

    This home, the people in this home were my saving grace.

    They never treated me like the outside world talked of me, they remained true to me as what we had previous, they did not change.

    They went to work and did what they loved, they did not have a blame or shameful eye directed at me.

    In their eyes I was imperfectly me.

  • A Stranger In The Mirror.

    "You don't have to worry about changing the world; just change yourself, and you will surely inspire the world to follow. The longest distance any of us ever has to travel to reach Self-Realization is 6 inches.  Take your hand, right now, and touch yourself on the forehead with the tips of your fingers.  That is where we all must start.  Now touch your fingertips to the center of your chest, right over your heart.  That is our ultimate destination.  Six inches lie between mind and heart, between ego and Spirit, between fear and love.  Six inches is all that separates us from God.  It is the true path to Self-Realization, the way is lit by yoga."     Bikram

     

    It is day 18, a nice number and my yoga is strong, or I was strong with yoga. 

     

    The pain in my hip has changed and it now feels more like a healing pain, not a stopping pain.  I am able to relax in the pose instead of just bearing it, moving slightly deeper each set.

     

    What I felt somewhere during yoga yesterday that perhaps what was stopping me was not the fear of an old memory, but maybe the fear of a new me, or the mixture of both. 

     

    As I was letting go, maybe I was surrendering to the death of the old me, and succumbing to the new unfamiliar me.

     

    In that weird spot of letting go and not able to grab firmly on to a new me, I knew that I was not alone, that I would not be asked to traverse this by my self.

     

    An overwhelming feeling of gratitude flooded me, knowing once again the Universe and I would witness together each adjustment.

     

    It did not forsake me in the darkest of times, so I am certain It will walk with me now.

    I will be in awe of the synchronicity and flow.

     

    Watching everything I need fall into place at the right and perfect time. 

     

    My only task is to give 110% to yoga each day, and surrender to the flow of change.

     

    When I look into the mirror during yoga, I see so much of my mother, for I reflect her image closely.  I look deeply each day for her to recede and watch for sprouts of a new me.

     

    About five years ago I had said that my father would not define who I am, it never has occurred to me to set the same tone with my mother, so I did so today.

     

    Her image shares the mirror with me, I had emulated her so closely, each day I desire to see less and less of her, and more and more of me.

     

    To see a Me I have not met, a stranger in the mirror.

    Soul Sister