I M Perfect lady

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  • Acknowledgement of Hurting.

    "Unintended hurt is as common as branches snapped in wind. But it is the unacknowledged hurt that becomes a wound."  Mark Nepo

    I believe we all will hurt others and be hurt…as long as we are living and in relationships.  It is the unacknowledged hurt that wounds us.

    "Even if our awareness of being hurtful comes years after delivering the hurt, the smallest word or gesture – owning what we've done – can reopen the heart."  Mark Nepo

    I was sexually abused as a child, but no one ever acknowledged that they hurt me.  It is the unacknowledged hurt that wounded me.

    Even when it all came to light 40 years later, silence stood in the place of acknowledgement.

    I have often felt it wasn't enough to acknowledge how I mistreated and hurt my children with my angry words and general dysfunctional mothering…this lesson today has shown me, that in owning how I hurt them, began the closing of the wound and opening of our hearts.

    This is the opening I was waiting to enter…the acknowledgement of the pain they caused me…would have allowed my heart to reopen.  

    That is the difference, the dividing factor between estrangement and growing closer…Acknowledgement of hurting.

     

  • Completely whole all alone.

    In Mark Nepo's Book, "The Book of Awakening" for March 18th, 

    The Life of the Caretaker.

    "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."

    "I have been learning that the life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic.  Here the intoxication is the emotional relief that temporarily comes when answering a loved one's need.  Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone's need, we feel loved.  While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes the drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won't go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-sacrifice."

    "It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done. At the heart of this is the every present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved.  So, the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist."

    "I have experienced this even in the simple issue of calling a loved one while away from home.  Even when no one expects to hear from me, I can agonize over whether to call.  Often, unable to withstand the discomfort of not registering some evidence of my love, I will end up going to great lengths to call."

    " In truth, caretaking, though seeming quite generous, is very self-serving, and its urgent self-centeredness prevents a life of genuine compassion.  In all honesty, to heal from this requires as rigorous a program of recovery as alcoholics enlist, including sponsors who will love us for who we are."

    "Within one's self, the remedy of spirit that allows for true giving resides somewhere in the faith to believe that each of us is worthy of love, just as we are."  Mark Nepo

    This is my disease.  This is where I felt my greatest hits of love and self worth, by how and to whom I gave.  I gave to get…I needed to be needed in order to feel worthy.  

    When I discovered this within me, I had to quit cold turkey…to stop giving with an agenda in hand.  I truly and completely felt the sentiments of "Accept this gift, so I can see myself as giving."

    I was unable to sustain my own self worth without a second party gushing or being grateful for what I had done.  My inner well of worthiness was nonexistent. Without doing for others, I was empty.

    It was very hard to purposefully not give.  I felt horrible and mean and uncaring.  The worse I felt, the more I knew how backwards I had giving.

    To give with the freedom of no returns was not something I had ever done.

    All my giving came with very fine print…."I give to make me feel special".

    I had to turn all my giving inward, to become a self contained container of worthiness, without using other people's needs to keep me afloat.

    My greatest sense of self was gained by giving…and my biggest hits of love came from what I did, not from who I was.

    It was horrifying to see that all or most of me was built outside of me…and the only way to find my true love of self, was to no longer give to be worthy.

    I had to become worthy by doing nothing for others…until my own well of worth was full.  

    The freedom of having your own well of worth is hard to explain…to be a self contained unit.  To have an inner source, a well spring of worthiness inside, to have it fed from the inside out…is to live a life completely different.

    One is empty…and forever seeking a new hit of worth.

    The other is full of self worth…self love and completely whole all alone.

     

     

  • We no longer follow the truth…

    About Faith, from the book, "The Voice of Knowledge" by Janet Mills and Don Miguel Ruiz.  It is a long post, but I love the information in it.  It explains that it is not what we believe, but what we put our faith behind…that steers our worlds.  It isn't what we believe, but that we believe it.

    "Faith is a force that comes from our integrity.  It is the expression of what we really are.  Faith is the power of our creation because we use faith to create our life story and to transform our life story.  Different traditions have called this power by different names.  The Toltec call it intent, but I prefer to call it faith."

    "Let's see if we can understand why our faith is so important. When we talk about faith or intent, we are also talking about the power of the word. The word is pure magic.  It is a power that comes directly from God, and faith is the force that directs that power.  We can say that everything in our virtual reality is created with the word because we use the word for the creation of our story.  Humans have the most wonderful imagination. Beginning with the word, we form a language. With a language , we try to make sense out of everything we experience."

    "First we agree about the sound and meaning of each word. Then just remembering the sound of the words, we can communicate with other dreamers about our virtual reality. We give names to everything we perceive; we choose words as symbols, and these symbols have power to reproduce a dream in our head. For example, just hearing the word horse can reproduce an entire image in our mind. That's how a symbol works. But it can even be more powerful than that.  Just by saying two words, "The Godfather," a whole movie can appear in our mind. The word, as a symbol, has the magic and power of creation because it can reproduce an image, a concept, or an entire situation in our imagination."

    "It is amazing what the word can do.  The word creates images of objects in our mind. The word creates complex concepts. The word evokes feelings.  The word creates every belief that we store in our mind. The structure of our language shapes how we perceive our entire virtual reality."

    "Faith is so important because it is the force that gives life to every word, to every concept that we store in our mind. We can say that life manifests through faith, and that faith is the messenger of life.  Life goes through our faith and then our faith gives life to everything we agree to believe in. Remember, we invest our faith by making an agreement.  We we agree with a concept, we accept the concept without any doubt, and the concept becomes a part of us. If we don't agree with the concept, our faith is not there, and we don't keep it in our memory. Every concept is alive just because our faith is there, just because we believe in the concept. Faith is the force that holds all of these symbols together and gives sense and direction to the entire dream."

    "If you can imagine every belief, every concept, every opinion is like a brick, then our faith is the mortar that holds the bricks together. The way we start getting these bricks and putting them together is by using our attention.  Humans can perceive millions of things simultaneously, but with our attention we have the power to discriminate and focus only on what we want to perceive. The attention is also the part of our mind that we use to transfer information from person to person.  By hooking someones attention, we create a channel of communication, and through that channel we can send and receive information.  This is how we teach, and this is how we learn."

    "As I have said, our parents hook our attention and teach us the meaning of words; we agree, and we learn a language.  Through language, the word, we start to build the edifice of knowledge. Together, all of our beliefs form a structure that tells us what we believe we are. The Toltec call this shape that our mind takes the human form. The human form is not the form of our physical body. The human form is the structure of our personal Tree of Knowledge.  It is everything we believe about being human; it is the structure of our whole story. This structure is almost as solid as our physical body because our faith makes it rigid."

    "You call yourself a human, and that is what makes you a human. Your faith is invested in your story – mostly in the main character of your story – and that is the main problem. The most powerful part of you your faith, is invested in the liar who lives in your head. Through your faith, you give life to all of those lies. The result is the way you live your life in the present moment because you have faith in the main character of your story.  This means that you believe in what you believe you are without any doubt. The rest is jut action-reaction. Every habit is a setup for you to perform the role of your main character."

    "The storyteller has power over you because you have faith in the story that it tells you.  Once you support the story with your faith, it doesn't matter whether the story is the truth or not the truth.  You believe it; you are done. Thy will be done. That is why Jesus said that if you have just a little faith you can move mountains.  Humans are powerful because we have a strong faith; we have the capacity to believe strongly, but where is our faith invested?  Why do we feel that we have hardly any faith?  I can tell you that it's not true that we have so little faith.  Our faith is strong and powerful, but our faith is not free. Our faith is invested in all of the knowledge in our head.  It is trapped in the structure of our Tree of Knowledge."

    "The structure is what really controls the dream of our life because our faith lives in that structure.  Our faith is not in the voice of our story, and it's not in our reasoning mind. Just because we say, "I will succeed," doesn't mean that our faith follows the words.  No, there may be another belief that is stronger and deeper, and that belief is telling us, "You will not succeed." And that is what happens.  It doesn't matter what we do; we fail."

    "That is why you cannot change yourself just by wishing to change.  No, you need to really challenge what you believe you are, especially the beliefs that limit the expression of your life.  You need to challenge every belief that you use to judge yourself, to reject yourself, to make yourself little."

    "I remember one of my apprentices asking me, "Miguel, why is it so difficult to change my beliefs?"  And I told him, "Well, you understand the concept that what you believe you are is not the truth; it's a story.  You understand that very well, but you don't believe it. And that is what makes the difference. If you really believe it, if your faith is there, then you change."

    "So yes, it is possible to change what we believe, to recreate the dream of our life, but first we need to free our faith.  And there is only one way to free our faith, and that is through the truth. The truth is our sword, and it's the only weapon we have against the lies. Nothing but the truth can free the faith that is trapped in the structure of our lies. But with our faith invested in the lies, we no longer see the truth.  The lies blind our faith, the power of our creation."

    "Blind faith is a powerful concept.  When our faith is blind, we no longer follow the truth…" Don Miguel Ruiz

  • How we were treated.

    I listened to the book, "The Voice of Knowledge" by Janet Mills and Don Miguel Ruiz, and found this part to hit close to home.

    "When we discover that we are not what we believe we are, the foundation of our entire reality begins to collapse. The whole story loses its meaning, and this is very frightening."

    " I was not afraid in the desert that night. But when I recovered, I felt fear because nothing in my story was important any longer and I still had to function in the world. Later, I discovered that I could rewrite the story of my life.  I could recover the structure of what I believed and rebuild it without the lies.  Then life went on as it did before, but the lies no longer ruled my life."  

    What I too recall is that you are left without a place to put your faith, you no longer can support the lies, yet you haven't rebuilt your life without lies.  

    The difference between a structure of lies and a structure of truth is so completely different…

    You may think of 'the lies' having to be big, but the little ones you park your faith behind are equally as devastating to your life…when you believe them.

    I discovered thousands of lies that I had built my life upon.  He writes about two rules to avoid getting caught up in lies.

    "Don't believe yourself and don't believe anybody else – all of the lies that come from the voices of knowledge won't survive your skepticism.  Being skeptical is not about being judgmental; it is not about taking the position that you are more intelligent than others. You just don't believe, and what is true will become obvious. This is very interesting because the truth survives your skepticism even if you don't believe it. That is the beauty of the truth. The truth doesn't need anybody to believe it.  The truth is still the truth whether or not you can believe it.  Can we say the same about lies? No, lies only exist because we believe them.  If we don't believe in lies, they simply disappear." Don Miguel

    Isn't it amazing that by not believing yourself or others, the truth will rise to the surface, for the truth doesn't need anyone to believe it, it just is.

    By removing your faith in what you believe, you are then putting your faith in what you don't believe…but what is.  I am not certain I can articulate this, so I highly recommend reading this book.

    But, in my own life, there were great big lies that I put my faith behind, and those lies had baby lies that I put my faith behind and I didn't allow any of my faith to be used for the truth.

    It seems we are given only so much faith, and if we invest it in lies, it leaves little faith for the truth.

    When I withdrew my faith in the lies…I had ample faith to then put into what was the truth. 

    He further writes, "Many lies enslave us, but only one thing can free us, and it's the truth.  Only truth can set us free from the fear, the drama, and the conflict in our lives.  This is the absolute truth, and I cannot put it more simply than that."

    "The Voice of Knowledge rules your life, and it is a tyrant. If you refuse to obey that voice, it becomes quieter and quieter, and speaks to you less and less until it no longer controls you.  When the voice loses power over you, lies no longer rule your life, and you become authentic again."

    "The Voice of Knowledge is not real.  Before you learn to speak, your brain is like a perfect computer, but without a program.  when you are born you don't know a language.  It takes several years for your brain to mature enough to receive a program. Then the program is introduced to you mainly through your parents, as well as other people around you. They hook your attention and teach you the meaning of words.  You learn to speak, and the program goes inside you little by little by agreement.  You agree, and now you have a program."

    "Well, if you are the computer, then the knowledge is the program.  Everything you know, all of the knowledge in your head, was already in the program before you were born.  I can assure you that none of us ever has an original idea.  Every letter, every word, every concept in your belief system is part of the program, and that program is contaminated with a virus called lies."

    "There's no need to judge the program as good or bad or right or wrong. Even if we don't like the program, nobody is guilty for sharing it with us. It's just the way it is, and it's wonderful because we use the program to create our stories.  But who is running our life?  The program!  The program has a voice, and it's lying to us all the time."

    "How can we know what the truth is when almost everything we have learned is a lie?  How can we recognize what is real in us?  Well, it took some time for me to find out, but I found out. Our emotions are real.  Every emotion that we feel is real, it is the truth, it is.  I discovered that every emotion comes directly from spirit, from our integrity; it is completely authentic."

    "You cannot fake what you feel. You can try to repress your emotions, you can try to justify what you feel or lie about what you feel, but what you feel is authentic.  It is real, and you are feeling it. There is nothing wrong with whatever you feel. There are no good or bad emotions; there is nothing wrong with anger or jealousy or envy. Even if you are feeling hate, it comes from your integrity.  Even if it's sadness or depression that you are suffering, if you feel it, there is always a reason for feeling it."

    "I discovered something very interesting about the human mind, something logical and important to understand. Everything you perceive causes an emotional reaction – everything.  If you perceive beauty, your emotional reaction is wonderful; you feel great.  When you are hurt, your emotional reaction is not so great.  But you perceive not just the outside world; you perceive the virtual world you create in your head.  You perceive not only your feelings, but your knowledge – your own thoughts, judgments, and beliefs. You perceive the voice in your head, and have an emotional reaction to that voice."

    "Now the question is this; What is the voice in your head telling you? How many times has it told you, "God, I'm so stupid, how could I do that? I will never learn!" The voice of knowledge judges you, you perceive the judgment, and you have an emotional reaction.  You feel the shame; you feel the guilt. The emotion is true, but what causes the emotion, which is the judgment that you are stupid, is not true; it's a story.  Again, this is just action-reaction.  What is the action? The action is the perception of your point of view, which means the perception of your own judgment. What is the reaction? Your feelings are the reaction, and you react to lies with emotional poison."

    "Let's see if we can understand this a little better.  Imagine that you have a dog. As you know, the dog is just a dog, and it's a perfect dog, isn't it?  But what happens if you abuse the dog?  What if every time you see the dog, you kick the dog?  Very soon the dog will be afraid.  You can see the emotions coming from the dog.  It is angry; it might try to bite you or run away.  Is there something wrong with the dog's emotions? Does the dog's anger make the dog evil? No, the dog's reaction is just the result of being abused. The emotion is helping the dog to defend itself.  It comes from the dogs integrity."  Don Miguel

    What I love about the way he breaks this down is that we are programmed to believe in lies and taught how to act by how we were treated.  

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  • “Take Back the Night”

    IMG_7441
    I created this quilt with the theme, "Take Back the Night".  I was trying to depict the weight of fear and how it bends you down…in comparison to taking back your power.  Dancing under your full power.

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    I met with Detective Rosie and An-gel from Dial Help on Monday. The three of us are forming a connection…coming from different angles, working to find new answers to old problems.  I enjoy our meetings greatly.  The meeting was about the event planned for April 24th, "Take Back the Night".  Rosie and I will be there…An-gel is one of the organizers.  

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    If this quilt isn't used there, she will go to the Ed Gray Gallery. 

  • Fit into their Framework

     "The Seat of the Soul," by Gary Zukav

    "When a question is asked that cannot be answered within the common frame of reference, it can be classified as nonsensical, or it can be dismissed as a question that is not appropriate, or the person asking the question can expand his or her consciousness to encompass a frame of reference from which the question can be answered.  The first two options are the easy way out of a confrontation with a question that appears to be nonsensical or inappropriate, but the seeker, the true scientist, will allow himself or herself to expand into a frame of reference from which the answers that he or she is seeking can be understood."

    "We, as a species, have been asking the questions, "Is there a God?", "Is there a Divine Intelligence?", and "Is there a purpose to life?", for as long as we have been able to articulate questions.  The time has now come for us to expand into a frame of reference that allows these questions to be answered."

    "The larger the frame of reference of the multisensory human allows an understanding of the experientially meaningful distinction between the personality and the soul.  Your personality is that part of you that was born into, lives within, and will die within time.  To be a human and to have a personality are the same thing.  Your personality, like your body, is the vehicle of your evolution."

    "The decisions that you make and the actions that you take upon the Earth are the means by which you evolve.  At each moment you choose the intention that will shape your experiences and those things upon which you will focus your attention.  These choices affect your evolutionary process.  This is so for each person.  If you choose unconsciously, you evolve unconsciously.  If you choose consciously, you evolve consciously."

    "The fearful and violent emotions that have come to characterize the human existence can be experienced only by the personality.  Only the personality can feel anger, fear, hatred, vengeance, sorrow, shame, regret, indifference, frustration, cynicism and loneliness.  Only the personality can judge, manipulate and exploit.  Only the personality can pursue external power.  The personality can also be loving, compassionate, and wise in its relations with others, but love, compassion and wisdom do not come from the personality. They are the experience of the soul."

    "Your soul is that part of you that is immortal.  Every person has a soul, but a personality that is limited in its perception to the five senses is not aware of its soul, and, therefore, cannot recognize the influences of its soul."

    "As a personality becomes multisensory, its intuitions – it hunches and subtle feelings – become important to it.  It senses things about things about itself, other people, and the situations in which it finds itself that it cannot justify on the basis of the information that its five senses can provide."

    "It comes to recognize intentions, and to respond to them rather than to the actions and words that it encounters.  It can recognize, for example, a warm heart beneath a harsh and angry manner, and a cold heart beneath polished and pleasing words."  Gary Zukav

    In reading about the two different actual types of human beings -those who live secluded in a frame of reference of the five senses, and others with a much broader frame of reference makes all the difference in the world in how you live your life.

    My first 46 years I lived pretty much in a five sense body, and in the framework of the FALC.  All questions asked were brought to this network and answered there or dismissed.  Mostly, in my experience anything that would mar the shiny surface of the FALC, were labeled inappropriate.

    Stepping out of that tiny framework, a whole big world opened up.  It was like leaving a boxed in life…to live free.

    Now, when questions arose, there was nothing stopping me from exploring deeper or being fearless of the answers 'wrecking' or damaging the belief within the small frame.

    Living within in a small frame of reference, allows very limited responses.  And tossing out questions and ideas is much easier than pondering why they can't be answered within your framework.

    The 'simple faith' is to remain in a very small framework.

    The saying to believe like a child doesn't ring true. For children are born frame-less and we build a framework for them to live inside.  I believe that children are naturally curious and inquisitive and are fearless as they seek answers, not caring what side of the framework threatens to collapse based upon what it finds.

    A secondary framework is the family, like a box in a box…where there too are questions we don't ask or label 'inappropriate' in order to keep the framework from collapsing.

    Seeing your life as being framed by family and religion, will allow you to see the setting upon which you stand.  

    I didn't know how blocked in I was, until it all collapsed around me.

    As the framework lay on the ground, I was left standing…the part of me that wasn't tied into the framework, my soul.

    The soul me didn't fear any questions or the truthful answer.  It was a part of me that had been covered up and repressed for years….and blocked out by the framework.

    I know that those who can't explore deeply the questions or follow a gut feeling to its end, have way too much of themselves invested in the framework.

    Their point of reference lies within its walls.

    The answers to the questions depend more upon where you are asking them from, than where the answers are coming from.  In fact, some are not even allowed to ask the questions…or ponder their existence.

    Most strict religions work diligently to put their children in the churches framework, and to keep the child separated from their natural curiosity, frankness and Truth, to separate the child from their Soul.

    A free soul does not fit into their framework.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Unplugged

    In the confusion between vulnerability and how it felt equal to abuse, I had to look up the definition of abuse.

    "to use wrongly, mistreatment, ill-use, to hurt or injure, improper use, abuse a privilege…"

    And vulnerability was  "exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed either physically or emotionally, susceptible to attack.

    So, it is two sides of the same coin.

    As a child we are innately vulnerable and 'accepted' ill-use and mistreatment due to the lack of alternatives…and even grew to accept this as normal.  Especially when we are treated this way from the folks who 'love' us.  Love then equals mistreatment…we mix love and ill-use of our selves and call it normal.

    We are stuck in the sate of vulnerability with those we 'love'…and those we love feel betrayed when we assert power, for being 'loving' is to be open to attack and ill-treatment.  How dare you shut them out.

    It is a muddled up mess when you believe love hurts and attacks…and in order to gain your power back you must shut the door against those you love.

    The powerless state of vulnerability and being ill-used in this state is that we never know self power.  We are taught to seek power from the powerless. 

    My children had the power to make me mad, etc…and I had to be stronger than them to keep my power…is what I thought.

    However, when I took my power back from my family of origin, I realized that I had been raising children with no power source within themselves.

    What a huge gift it was to give my children their power back and what a relief it was to be free of that power struggle; continual fight and fear of losing power.

    In abusive homes the children are left powerless, taught that love means allowing, acquiescing their rights, their feelings etc, they are always left helpless waiting for the 'powerful' to decide.

    They are lost to their own power source…and learn that power is 'out there' somewhere.  And happiness comes when you find a power source that doesn't hurt you.

    A kind power source…that you can plug into.

    Which is co-dependent.  You are not a self contained power source.

    I literally had a moment in time, where I unplugged everyone from me and me from everyone.  I stood powerless.  I had to find a way to live unplugged.

    It was the beginning of finding my authentic power…which Gary Zukav writes about…read below!

     

  • The Seat of the Soul, By Gary Zukav

    Here is the difference between the two kinds of power…

    "When power is seen as an external, the hierarchies of our social, economic and political structures, as well as the hierarchies of the Universe, appear as indicators of who has power and who does not.  Those at the top appear to have the most power and therefore, to be the most valuable and the least vulnerable.  Those at the bottom appear to be the least powerful, and, therefore, to be the least valuable and the most vulnerable.  From this perception, the general is more valuable than the private, the executive is more valuable than the chauffeur, the doctor is move valuable than the receptionist, the parent is more valuable than the child, the Divine, is more valuable than the worshiper. We fear to transgress our parents, our bosses, and our God. All perceptions of lesser and greater personal value result from the perception of power as external."

    "Competition for external power lies at the heart of all violence.  The secondary gain behind ideological conflicts, such as capitalism versus communism and religious conflicts,  such as Irish Catholic versus Irish Protestant, and geographical conflicts, such as Jew versus Arab, and familial and marital conflicts, is external power."

    "The perception of power as external splinters the psyche whether it is the psyche of the individual, the community, the nation or the world.  There is no difference between acute schizophrenia and a world at war.  There is no difference between the agony of a splintered soul and the agony of a splintered nation.  When a husband and wife compete for power, they engage the same dynamics that humans of one race do when they fear humans of another race."

    "From these dynamics, we have formed our present understanding of evolution as a process of ever-increasing ability to dominate the environment and each other.  This definition reflects the limitations of perceiving the physical world with only five senses. It reflects the competition for external power that is generated by fear."

    "After a millennia of brutality to one another, individual to individual and group to group, it is now clear that the insecurity which underlies the perception of power as external cannot be healed by the accumulation of external power. It is evident for all to see, not only with each newscast and evening paper, but also through each of our countless sufferings as individuals and as a species, that the perception of power as external brings only pain, violence and destruction. This is how we have evolved until now, and this is what we are leaving behind."

    "Our deeper understanding leads us to another kind of power, a power that loves life in every form that it appears,  a power that does not judge what it encounters, a power that perceives meaningfulness and purpose in the smallest details upon the Earth. This is authentic power.  When we align our thoughts, emotions, and actions with the highest part of ourselves, we are filled with enthusiasm, purpose and meaning.  Life is rich and full.  We have no thoughts of bitterness. We have no memory of fear. We ar joyously and intimately engaged with our world. This is the experience of authentic power."

    "Authentic power has its roots in the deepest source of our being.  Authentic power cannot be bought, inherited, or hoarded. An authentically empowered person is incapable of making anyone or anything a victim.  An authentically empowered person is one who is so strong so empowered, that the idea of using force against another is not part of his or her consciousness."

    "No understanding of evolution is adequate that does not have at its core that we are on a journey toward authentic empowerment, and that authentic empowerment is the goal of our evolutionary process and the purpose of our being. We are evolving from species that pursues external power into a species that pursues authentic power. We are leaving behind exploration of the physical world as our sole means of evolution. This means of evolution, and the consciousness that results from an awareness that is limited to the five sensory modality, are no longer adequate to what we must become."

    "We are evolving from five-sensory humans into multi-sensory humans…"  Gary Zukav

     

     

  • I fear being closed up.

    "Anything we fear to lose – a home, a car, an attractive body, an agile mind, a deep belief – is a symbol of external power.  What we fear is an increase in our vulnerability.  This results in seeing power as external."  Gary Zukav, Seat of the Soul.

    The sentence about fearing an increase in our vulnerability really struck me.  Somehow I believe all choices boil down to this sentence.

    It isn't the actual change we fear, but the way it will open ourselves up to being vulnerable once again.  And the more you explore and peel back layers of your self, the more wide open you will feel.

    I had to go and look up the definition of Vulnerable. 

    "Susceptible to physical or emotional injury."  I was shocked to read that.  Are you not more susceptible to physical and emotional injury IN an Absive relationship, then if we were out?

    Yet, we fight or resist being vulnerable and in doing so you are more vulnerable while in those relationships, than working your way out.

    Another meaning was, "Open to attack, damage, assailable, vulnerable to critism, exposed."

    Again, it strikes me as not the meaning of vulnerable.  I thought vulnerable was to be wide open and soft.  Yet this meaning seems to be about opening yourself up for attack.

    No wonder no one wants to be vulnerable.

    I can see the two sides of vulnerablitiy.  However, just because you are wide open and exposed, it doesn't mean you will be attacked. To me, exploring the depths of abuse have made me wise to knowing what is abusive and what is not.

    The definitions of vulnerability also seem to come into play as you are trying to leave dysfunction; attacking and critism of your new ways.

    Very interesting to feel the wide scope of being Vulnerable.

    I feel more vulnerable; open, free and exposed and feel that is my greatest strength.  I no longer fear being vulnerable.  I fear being closed up.

  • Agree With the Line.

    I finished listening to the Book "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett while I sewed yesterday afternoon.  

    The CD describes it as such;

    "Three ordinary women are about to take one extraordinary step…

    In 1962 Jackson Mississippi, two African American maids and one white Junior League socialite- seemingly as different from one another as can be, will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk. And why?  Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed."

    "In pitch-perfect voices, Kathryn Stockett creates three memorable women whose determination to start a movement of their own forever changes a town, and the way women – mother's, daughters, caregivers, friends – view one another.  A deeply moving novel filled with poignancy, humor and hope.  "The Help" is a timeless universal story about the lines we abide by and the ones we don't."

    I had read this book, watched the movie and then listened to it…all three times I was drawn to the courage it takes to step over the line.

    Stepping over the line, isn't done lightly or without great personal risks and consequences, and yet if someone doesn't take a chance, speak out and dare show the wrongness, change doesn't happen.

    Towards the end, the white character muses…"I may not have changed their minds… But at least I no longer agree with them." Speaking about her socialite friends.

    She had broken out of a system that had been put into place long before her birth, one she had grown up in…and dared to explore and see it from all angles.  Willing to see the wrongness of her people…

    It came with a personal cost, she lost friends and love, but gained personal strength and courage.

    I totally understand her dilemma…of stepping over the line, knowing you are stepping out of the life you have…into the unknown.

    Stepping over the line is what has allowed us as a species to evolve…if we all stayed behind the line, no change would occur.

    Once one takes a step, another will follow.

    The lines are drawn often with the mindset or understanding at the time, and progress happens when someone dares to argue with the line.

    I see one very entrenched line that is holding its ground and only a few dare to step over it and walk away…and that is the parental line.

    When you cross this line, your life will change.

    Most parents do not want their lines crossed…especially abusive parents.

    The treatment of the children in these homes is similar to the African Americans…for they are not allowed to have a voice, to speak about how the treatment feels on their end.  They are to serve the family in silence, bowing down to the heads of the households…a second class member…They are lower down on the totem pole, only those up higher can have their say, speak their minds and share how it feels…and enforce it.  Disregarding your vote without an election.

    This is the way of it, the line is not to be crossed…it stays firm until their death.  Their feelings are to be considered at all times…and perhaps even posthumously.

    At no point is a child to go against what the parent feels, thinks and believes, or they will be crossing the line…and stepping out of the family.

    I would love to see a revolution within abusive homes.  Of voiceless, choice-less children walking free.  Marching for the right to stand up. Shedding the cloak of secrecy that keeps their parents reputations clean in the social world…while the child remains in the silent darkness of abuse.  A flipping of the tables…

    Fear is what keeps most from stepping up to the line.

    The fear is as palpital as the ones the maids had. They had lived in fear of the white folks for so long, it never crossed their minds to speak up, even anonymously.

    Some may say, they 'respect' their parents too much to speak out…but respect doesn't keep you silent, fear does.

    Fear of stepping over this invisible line that has been there since you were little.  Fear keeps you on your side of the line…as it always has. 

    In life, there are always lines…and you will define yourself by the ones you abide by and the ones you don't.

    You have to wonder about lines and who they serve and why.

    And depending upon which side of the line you are, that line will represent two drastically different views.

    Look at the line of silence in abuse…see clearly how it divides and makes one a victim.  One of lesser value…and one more powerful.

    Abiding the line, you are agreeing with the imbalance.

    What I too truly love, is that I may not be able to change your mind, but I love that I no longer have to agree with the line.