When I quoted my sister’s letter to me, and how in her own words, stated the way she wasn’t in denial, how she was front and center in my father’s life;
“I have dealt with his probation officer and counselor. He resides in my home. He leaves the yard 4 times a month; his name/picture and my address are on the offenders list for protection of ALL others. My son knows the truth, and my husband knows the truth, as well as his family and my friends. DO NOT EVER dare say that I am in denial. I care for him DESPITE all the horrific offenses he has committed in his lifetime. He will die with me and you NEVER have to see him again. I chose to forgive for MY SAKE and yet you judge…….What accountability do you take as a daughter? How come you didn’t know the truth? Why as one of the oldest did you not protect us? Why JUST blame mom?”
Yesterday it occurred to me, it isn’t that she is in denial of who my father is, but she is denying herself actions on her part. She is unable to move in a new way, to not be a daughter.
She has seen him, but her only option is to stand in the relationship, it would never ever occur to her that this action from my father is a nudge (explosion) for her to go.
The ‘application’ or the walk of denial is to continue on as though nothing has changed. Meaning you still have to be a daughter, you still have to bring your love, your attention, your caring, your every thing, and he doesn’t have to lift a finger to warrant it.
They cannot see the one-sidedness of their relationship.
What I was so amazed by is their inability to not see him as a father who is a pedophile. But, Now I get that they did see him with this horrific offense, but what they failed to realize is that they held the consequence.
Their denial isn’t in who he is, but more in who they are.
She can’t see that he gave up the right to have loving, caring daughters, the day he molested them.
It isn’t us that need to work harder to become a better daughter, but he has to now start from square one and become a father.
She thinks that if she can be a better daughter, than he will be a better father. Impossible.
She is in denial of her own self worth.
She is in denial that she can walk out.
She is in denial that she has the right to put up boundaries.
She is in denial that she has to stay and be in a relationship with a man who molested her.
It is shocking to me even, to see the application of denial.
That it isn’t about seeing the damaged one, but instead to NOT SEE how you get to be a different person to them.
I can literally see the denial at work, but she thinks that with staying in the game, rubbing shoulders and taking him to counseling sessions, by posting ‘warning’ signs in her yard, she is dealing correctly.
Dealing correctly?
She is only seeing one part of the deal. She doesn’t see herself and how she is affected by his behavior, nor does she feel she has a choice.
If she continues to only view her self as “his daughter” than she will continue to wear daughter shoes.
In her letter, she writes, “What accountability do you take as a daughter?”
In her world daughters have roles, daughters have rules, daughter comes before self.
What I know to be true is that to the depth of her being, she feels that she must act and do as she is doing, that is what a good daughter would do.
I lived in that locked up space, in the tight unmovable spot, I too used to believe that it was up to me to keep that family together, against all odds.
Yet in the end, it wasn’t me who did.
In the end, I tossed away my daughter shoes.
I tossed away the shoes I wore to keep that family together, to keep it whole and loving. Those shoes didn’t work.
They were not magic shoes; they could not erase reality and build in its place a loving family.
The shoes I wore were all for naught.
I M Perfect lady 