I M Perfect lady

Tag: unconscious

  • Days to Slip By

    My brother's Excel class had him calculating out the number of days he has lived so far, and I did the same.  Today is number 19,365 for me!

    That is how many mornings I woke up and seen a new day.

    Yet for the first many thousands, I woke up living my life frozen in a pattern that was preset and one that seemed my destiny.

    I even recall feeling the panic feelings of not being able to stop the way I was living, that there were so many people attached to the movement of my life. That me changing would be too disruptive, but that at some point, they will need me less and then there will be an opportunity to be free.

    The more I explored how stuck I was, the more I wanted to live differently, but I had no idea how to suddenly change my life.  

    And then, Life seemed to suddenly change…and I followed it. But this time, I did it completely different.  I hadn't realized at the time that I was going to transform my whole life.   All I was doing was following my body and my feelings.

    I just hadn't realized realized realized, that I hadn't been living my life from the inside out.  I didn't really know how much of my life was lived for others, Until it came to me to follow my body and feelings.

    The huge amounts of changes that ensued showed me how much of me and my life had been lived for others…and by me being fake.

    I wouldn't have called it living fake, I would have said, "I am putting aside my feelings and my life unselfishly to make another happy." Believing that this is a kind and loving thing to do.

    I lived 16, 775 days (yep I did the math 😉 pushing aside my feelings in order to make another happy.  I lived disconnected from my body, disassociated from my emotions, and very focused on others…for thousands of days.

    I would awaken each day carrying many lives upon my shoulders…worrying, wondering, thinking, and pondering their lives, giving very little thoughts to me and my life.  My life was their life.

    I had me pushed so far back, there wasn't but a teeny bit of me showing. 

    It seems impossible now.  It seems scary to me to live a life with so little of me showing. To live without access to my feelings and emotions, to live stoically and remotely.  To shut down and close off my life in order for another to be happy and at peace.  

    You can't go and get those days back, they have been breathed, lived and passed by.  How much I missed, I can't even begin to imagine, how many emotions I pushed down and away for the sake of anothers is unreal.  How they fit all stuffed within my body is remarkable…

    For all that I stuffed down and away…never left.  They just rode along waiting for me to one day focus on me.

    The day I realized the truth of my life, the fact that my body has kept secure all my emotions, that none slipped by and away, was the day I began to live each day as me.  

    I began to feel…and feel and feel. Emotions washed over me, the terror, the helplessness, the empty trust, the negative feelings I had not looked at all came rushing in.  Thirsty for me to feel.  And I did.

    My days were filled with past emotions and it felt like living on steroids.  Eventually, the dam of emotions fell to a trickle…and I was able to live this day.

    This day as it arrived, this emotion as it came, this moment in time…fully present.

    I have lived without emotions or my feelings and it is a careless way to live. It leaves you caring less about your self.  

    Living days without a self isn't living…it is going through the motions without feelings…it is like living without a body or awareness.  

    Guess it is called unconscious being.

    Trauma woke me up and actually trauma put me asleep…

    I have lived life both ways, and there is no contest; being able to feel and allow each emotion to see the light of day is the only way to live.

    Otherwise you are just breathing, unaware…counting years and allowing days to slip by.

     

  • Where I stopped caring for me.

    As I read back a few days in my blog, I saw where the trimmings had a hold of me and almost ruined Christmas, and then the actions and expectations did the job the trimmings had started.

    It is like negative energy travels from item to person to thing, to any place in my world to latch on, and if I am not aware where my power is, it slips in and takes over.

    What I believe happens as well, as the busier you are the more unaware you become, so busy doing you forget to be.

    My Christmases of past were very busy doings, they wore me out to the last drop of energy, it was what I thought was needed to make a great Christmas to do over and beyond what you normally do.

    To put your self into trimming the house, oodles of gifts, baking, card sending, wrapping your self up into a dozen places until there is no you left.

    Exhausted and depleted.

    A manic Christmas cheer.

    Taking the season of giving into a manic state of doing and overdoing and then doing yet more.

    This holiday season is a playground for those of us who have ‘responsibility addictions’ who feel we carry the power to make others happy. It is like a drugstore of places for us to get our hits.

    There should be a warning label on Christmas.

    “Be careful not to give your self away.”

    I had a very odd dream on Christmas Eve, well actually very early Christmas morning, as I awoke from it, it left me knowing its content was a metaphor for how I lived my life.

    It isn’t a nice dream, but I will state it here anyway.

    I became aware I was in the back of a station wagon, face down, naked from the waist down, I was a young girl and I was watching a man approaching the side of the car, the windows are open and I hear him say my maiden name. In the middle seats are young kids, and the feeling I have is that I will offer my body to him to spare them. He climbs on my back and does his thing. I don’t feel anything, except that I am making him happy.

    When I awoke from this dream it seemed like a complete metaphor for my life.

    How I will be a whore for another and I will do so to spare another pain, I will abuse my body for the sake of others.

    It stayed with me this ugly dream on Christmas day.

    Its contents a visual of how I navigated life in co-dependency, how I will use my body in two ways for the pleasure of others and to spare pain for the innocent, to protect them I will abuse to my body.

    How others use my body was clearly displayed with my approval and willingness.

    Perhaps I needed that shocking dream to wake me up to how I get lost in another’s life.

    And what was so telling was the age of this young girl, as I caught sight of her in the rearview mirror, very blonde hair and young body, her flat chest, being strong beyond her years, willing to suffer for another.

    Courageously selflessly boldly the sacrificial lamb.

    Perhaps I don’t have images of my child abuse, but this is as close as it gets.

    And what I feel was that I truly didn’t focus on his deed and my pain, but his happiness and who I spared.

    What began at the moment of abuse was the fragmentation of living life for self.

    It is there my responsibility gene was developed and pruned, where I became the pleaser and the saver.

    Where I stopped caring for me.