I M Perfect lady

Tag: victims

  • In This I trust.

    Some interesting things I learned in my talking to the Law and Dial-Help.

    If you go to the hospital and the Doctor suspects or is told it was domestic violence, hitting etc, the Doctor must report this to the Law of the Land.  If you arrive raped or sexually assaulted, no such requirement is in place.

    I find it strange that they are not treated the same…that sexual abuse is seen as different than domestic violence or perhaps just violence. I wonder if this is the same in all cities of the land?

    Perhaps we need to stop calling it sexual abuse, but sexual violence or I would be okay calling it Domestic Violence, if there then was mandatory reporting. 

    With mandatory reporting the law becomes involved…and it leaves a trail…

    Although, I am not so naive to believe that all sexual violence incidents make it to the hospital, so it still leaves a huge gap in reporting…

    Here is something else.  Even if the Detective finds enough evidence to convict someone, the prosecutor has the final world.  He gets to decide whether it will go to trial.  He is also the one who plays with the pleas and bargains.  I am not certain most people understand the power these lawyers have and how often victims long history of abuse, gets boiled down to the lowest conviction and with each level it is reduced to comes a new sentence guideline.  

    The lower he bargains down the lighter the sentence…As in my father's conviction, he was let go to walk free.  And here's the other thing, Usually, there is 'just' one girl's evidence.  In my father's case, there was 9 of us.  HIGHLY unusual, and still, he walked free.  

    It isn't the quality of the evidence, the composure of the victim, or the work of the detective, it is the quality of the prosecutor that swings the doors open so the criminals walk free.

    Most of my trained knowing self has been taught to focus on getting the perpetrator in jail.  Yet, statistics in our town is that very few cases make it to a jury trial, get even litigated, and an even greater percentage don't even get reported.  So my tendency to lean toward the law and the focus on the pedophile, has to switch.

    Bringing to trial or putting in jail, or making the criminal pay, thinking and mind set, has to be surrendered.

    When the facts and experiences of the victim's cases are clearly showing how pointless the old ways are; we have to find a new path.

    Since we have been beating our heads against a system that is clearly showing us IT does not want to work with us, but against us, we have to play a old game in a new way.

    A part of me doesn't want to give up the idea of 'letting' the criminals go, even if that is clearly reality, part of me fights this.  Resists surrendering and letting them win…letting them walk freely.

    It seems so callous to allow pedophiles to roam free….and yet this IS reality.

    They are roaming for a myriad of reasons, one of which is harder to swallow…the law sets them free.

    Somehow my thinking was to get these names with the Laws of the Land, to get these guys off the streets, when the focus in the Courts is to reduce it to nothing and set them free.

    At one point you have to adjust your sails accordingly and admit that you are on the wrong course, you are heading into a worthless direction.

    So, by bypassing the laws and not expecting or caring if pedophiles walk the street, you can then focus on the needs of the victims.

    And ironically the Dial-Help lady and the Detective are already here.

    They don't expect your truth to follow the path to the court house steps.  They are more interested in your wellness and healing, in what you the victim wants. Certainly, if you feel you want to pursue the laws of the land, they will be your advocate.  But, if you just want to sit and share your horrors, they will lend a listening ear.

    My expectations, my trained way of thinking was focused on getting the bad taken care of…and it had me missing this great piece of being open to anything the victim wants.

    Perhaps the latest rash of reduced sentences was for me to see the flimsy structure of the law, so it would no longer be my secure safe place to rely upon.

    I believed in the law of the land.  I believed if they seen the monster of my childhood, they would lock him up.  I believed and felt secure in knowing that they stood firmly and securely on the side of the victim, that they would be my safe zone…that if you got there, all would be well.  It just isn't so.

    I had thought that my father's case was different, due to the fact that there was a FALC prosecutor, but he is the norm.

    For me, I am a slow learner…I have been watching the social experiment of catching and release and not seeing the system as broken.  It is like sport fishing…

    And the fish keep getting put back into society to create yet another victim.  

    Knowing that there is no one to take the bad guys out, leaves you looking at this from a whole new angle.

    Victims are left on their own.  No one is coming to save you…

    Teaching and empowering victims and potential victims has to be the way forward.  

    This is actually what I had to do. For all systems failed me, leaving me with no recourse but to take care of myself.

    In doing for self, no rules are left standing, no expectations or agendas are expected…outside of you.

    Without there being a no fail system in place, you become the no fail system.  You don't fail you.

    You become the law onto your self…they can't keep the bad man away, you stay away from the bad man.  You do yourself justice.

    Just as I had to surrender to the fact that my father walked free, I too have to surrender to the fact that there are and will be now and for always, negative people in the world…we have to live around that.

    We have to live our lives not allowing their influence to influence us.

    I could have gotten left mourning the fact that he got no jail time and without him in prison, I could still be left there wishing it was so.

    I believe I can get used to the free range criminals, for they have always been there.  I guess we kid ourselves into believing All bad men are in prison, and that the 'few' on the street are making their way there, it is only a matter of time.  I believe I will readjust my thinking and live accordingly.

    Live with the fact that there are pedophiles roaming free…and new victims are being born minute by minute.  We will lose the battle for sure if we focus on the open back door of the system and not see the piles of victims and their needs.

    They truly don't need the bad man to be put away…for it is but a fantasy.  And we don't need another fantasy to believe upon, we need something real and dependable.

    What was real and dependable for me was me.

    I had to learn to rely upon me…

    I turned my focus from outside to inside.

    In turning into me, I found that I was connected to a real no fail system, the Universal laws of mankind. 

    The more I began learning about me, the more I seen the connection and how I was the common denominator in all my experiences, that in changing me, my life changed.  

    And that there is an unseen powerful field we are all dancing in…and you can't escape its balancing sheet…there is no open back door to slip through.

    My justice system is the Universe…and it treats us all equally.  

    What you put out will come back to you in kind.

    When I focused on the small dot, I lost the bigger picture.

    Each of the players in the Law of the Land…are feeding a system of just returns…

    In the bigger picture nothing gets lost…

    Our only care and focus has to be very very personal, it can't matter what anyone else is doing, what you do comes back to you.

    You are literally sending messages to the universe with each beat of your heart…each action, belief and thought will find its way back to you…trust in this.

    No mistakes happen in the realm of the Universe…in This I trust.

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  • It came True for me.

    In a room today were three forces, joined over a common cause; healing victims, empowering victims, reversing the affects of trauma, abuse and being victimized…finding a way to weave together many sources and journeys…Victims helping Victims using the support of all connecting agencies.

    Coming together were three pathways…The law of the land, the victims advocate and me.

    All of us cared about the healing of the victims, knowing the affects that linger long after the trial, no matter the outcome…win or lose, the victim still has wounds and scars that the justice system can't touch.

    We all recognized the healing that begins with the truth being spoken, no matter if a trial is forthcoming, just finding a person to hear your story raises you from the level of shame to acceptance.

    Acceptance carries you to courage and courage allows for your truth to be spoken…and what you need is a very open ear.

    In the room were open ears, willing spirits, like minds, and a dream.

    A dream that one day the shame of being a victim will lessen, where we can all meet and openly share.  For victims to leave their solitary journeys of silence and speak.  

    To stop suffering alone, ashamed…to be able to know that what they feel or not feel is normal.  That they are perfectly perfect living the affects of abuse.  Being confused and lost is the cost of abuse.

    This seems to be the last closet where humanity is hiding, where souls are suffering in silence, and shame the lock on the door.

    All three of us are equally as frustrated and perplexed as to what will open the door of abuse.

    What can we do to offer a path of empowerment and healing that overcomes the cloak of shame?

    How do you get such deeply hurting souls to expose secrets that their very survival depended on to keep silent?  How do we ask them to reveal to us who hurt them, when who hurt them is who they love and call family?

    Inside of family homes lives the monster that they have always called dad or uncle or brother or mother etc..how do we unhook them or ask them to open that door?  When that most likely will lead to them becoming estranged…How to heal…when healing means losing all that you have?

    It seems they are sitting on the bottom and we are asking to pull even that away…leaving them in a free fall…to where?

    I know this journey…I know what we are asking…And I know the cost, but I also know the reward.

    For four hours we talked and learned from each other and a dream was planted.

    Ironically or not, it is Martin Luther King Day….and it came to me after leaving the Dial-Help office…"I have a Dream."

    I have a dream to demolish the closets of shame that surround victims.  To empower each victim to tear down the walls…and to live free.

    Free and unashamed.

    Free and not guilty.

    Free in the truth of their lives.

    Learning not only about abuse, but how to unscramble its affects…learning to find the self they lost and hid away, in shame because of being abused.  

    I have a dream that all abused kids will return to their natural states of innocence…I believe in this dream, for it came true for me.

     

     

  • What we sow, we Reap

    As the Justice System continues to fail, we are asked or challenged not to fail reality. 

    The Justice System takes an action and reduces it, like it is a magic maker, like it can take something that was done and undo it a little or a lot, to go easy on the 'first' time offender.  When we can't know that.  It may be the First Time Caught Offender.

    The Justice System we believe is for the victim, that the victim will see her perpetrators 'pay' for what they did, and in the end, nothing happens.  

    We have been told to leave it in the hands of Justice, when the hands of justice are incapable of seeing the crime and staying the course, in fact people have jobs that are based on reducing actions to aggravated assault, in changing a rape to be sentenced like a punch.

    They literally get paid to see that the crime isn't accounted for.

    The Court of the Land is set up to support the offenders, it has them 'innocent' until proven guilty, but does its best to NOT see reality, by reducing and plea bargaining down…in the end it proves them more innocent than guilty.  And while they do this, we the victims remain more guilty and less innocent. We are still damaged no matter what.

    Wouldn't it be nice if the victim could have plea bargained down the crime, to reduce the rape to just a slap on the face?  Wouldn't a slap from a 'friend' hurt just as bad?  We were not given the option then or now.

    I know the parents of the girl and even the parents of one boy, and I am not an objective bystander, for I have great sympathies for the girl…for the one who couldn't reduce her pain to a lesser degree, IT was forced upon her.

    Reality always stands strong in her world.

    What I have learned from walking the walk of Un-Reality that the Justice System guides you on, is that it isn't the final word on these boys or families; the Universe or God balances all slates.

    While the court of the land and those who get paid to turn rape into slaps, feel that they have the power, they have only a surface level power, a false sense of balancing the sheets.

    The Universe pays no never mind to what the court of the land is doing, what the 'Blessings' of the church is doing, the Universe knows the score and can't help but give back to them what they sow.

    We are not responsible for their punishment, it is not our job.

    Each boy has to live with what he did and if he didn't catch the lesson, another one is headed his way.  He may not learn this time, but no worries, his life will teach him in a million ways about what he has done.

    While the father feels rage and wanting to balance the scales, all it would do is add more evil to an already evil situation.  

    What makes more sense to me is to see them for who they are and tell the world.  Act like they are rapists, even if the law wants us to see only aggragated assault, see the rape.  Know that they have energies inside of them that hurts girls.

    We are challenged not to change our minds as the law did.

    We are challenged not to delete away their actions.

    We are challenged to walk in reality and stand with the girl's truth.

    Unlike animals we Force ourselves to not see and not respond to the evil we experienced, to reduce it to a lesser degree and continue on as if nothing has happened.

    What messes most with the psyche and minds of victims IS that life continues on unchanged, when their whole world fell apart.

    We see the law of the land reduce and change and return the boys to a 'normal' life, while clearly their actions are screaming something is wrong with me.

    And there is something wrong with us if we too don't get their message. We too are held responsible for our responses. Are we treating them like hurt people?  Like someone who needs to be removed from society?  Or, will you 'forgive' and see them as normal.

    What another great example of why evil continues on with so many knowing.  There is no one connected to this case that doesn't understand and know that multiple rapes occurred, and yet with money and pleas, and a "No Contest" decree all that happens is 30 days in jail, but AFTER Christmas.

    Did you all know, that "No Contest" means guilty? But there are other added bonus attached…some may be that the Injured Party can't sue for damages etc.

    It is all a word game and exchange of words and sadly the meanings don't follow.  For no matter what you call the action, the action stands unchanged.  You simply can't reduce an action after it already happened.

    Reducing reality is only done in the minds of those who believe it can happen, but it changes nothing in reality. 

    Insanity is believing you can.

    What is so tragic is that the girl gets left with an insane reaction to a real crime.  

    When the law of the land responds this way, what recourse are you left with?

    At some point we will catch on that changing reality with words doesn't work…it isn't supporting the victims, but it works really slick on the offenders.  

    Why do they get a second chance and a clean slate, when she doesn't?  

    She only gets one reality….One Verse of what happened, she isn't allowed to change it.  Nor can we.

    We only can think it different than it was.

    We can each tell a story, but reality moves on unchanged.

    Reality is supported by the power of Universe, never underestimate its balancing sheet, it is impeccable….it is the all seeing and the all knowing.

    All we have to focus on is our own slate…what we sow, we reap.

     

  • Here in Support Of…

    http://thestory.org/archive/the_story_111611_full_show.mp3/view

     

    The link above was given to me on Facebook by Carol Cline. Thanks so much Carol for sharing this with me.  I highly recommend you all taking the time to listen to the podcast.  If you can't get there from this link, go to thestory.org and look for Sheldon Kennedy's story, "Why I didn't Tell".

    What he speaks of is so right on, and that the perpetrator doesn't groom, control and manipulate, JUST the child, but all who come in contact with him.  He is the master manilpulator.  And the child senses that no one will believe him, for all believe the master manipulator, the community buys his 'coaching'….the parents trust him, etc.  All are under the spell of his lurid game.

    What else caught my attention is when he speaks of The Bystander, of those who know and say nothing…how we need to educate the bystanders.

    Getting others to believe is educating the bystander. To try and get them to hear that the stories Jim, Josh, Carl and I are writing about is US trying to educate you, the bystander.

    The Bystander who is standing by and believing in the tales and reputation HE is spinning.  

    I can honestly say, I get the web that is spun around all the folks as well as the children, it is thick and powerful and incredibly hard to penetrate.

    You all are living in the web of lies and deceit that is spun IN order for his nest of sexual abuse to continue on.  He has EVERYTHING to lose, so he spins and spins and spins….lies and a false life.

    While he has control of our heads, your beliefs, your faith and trust, he can operate underneath and in the dark molesting children.  The molested child sees you believing in his tale, and can feel like I, how we can't make you believe differently.

    Perhaps what needs to happen the most is for you to at least ask the questions, dare to face this monster and see his reaction.  Dare to be bold and questioning, dare to not just be a passive believer, ask for more proof.  Look around.  Dig deep into His life and accept for now, the child's word.

    Just as Josh and Jim stepped forth to educate you ByStanders, they are doing so knowing you all will most likely NOT believe them.  Most likely you will look instead at the intricate web that was spun to keep you from seeing beneath.

    A minister is a grand role to use as a cover.

    All stand in a bit of awe just in the presence of "a Minister".

    Behind the 'role' of minister is a man.  A man that two generations have come forth and said what he did to them.  

    Is that enough to break the spell, to tear the web?

    As a person standing by….what do you do?

    Will you help fill in the tear?  Will you be the one who works deligently to help 'repair' this rip in his reputation….and allow the abused adult child go on not being believed?

    What will it take….A third Generation?

    Just know that we all are trying to educate the ByStanders.

    We are here in support of the Victims.

    Who are you here in support of…

     

  • Returns to being good.

    What a multifaceted catch 22 it is when society is asking that the children of abuse be the ones to stop it. To be the ones to name their perpetrator, to come out of their cages of captivity and walk freely with courage seems insurmountable.

    What it fails to realize is the condition of the conditioned mind and how it has programmed the child or the adult child to bow down to authority, to keep silent and suffer in silence.

    We have been taught by experiences to go it alone and to keep to ourselves our selves, to not expose or share the feelings part of us, but instead walk around with a veneer finish that covers our truths.

    We have lived mostly as the veneer and have not allowed the real self to peep through and now in order to stop the abuse we have to completely reverse this.

    The veneer has to fade to the back and what comes forth is all we have tried to keep hidden. We have to now present to the world the very thing that terrorized us.

    Imagine? We are the ones who stop the monster, we whose power they took, now have to come forward fearlessly.

    And yet, as odd as this seems, as backwards and as upside down, the very step in sharing your wounds is the very thing you need to begin building your strength and courage, it will help define who you are from the base of truth.

    To speak your truth of who you are and what happened to you, who you fear and why, are truthful utterances of your journey in life, your biography and pathology, what has made you you. You then are able to see and feel that IT isn’t you that is bad, but them. You are not the problem, they are.

    And, by having a veneer, also shows the lack of support and caring you had. It literally shows how untreated you are.

    If, you had to ‘hide’ your abuse, it shows that you lived in an abusive home. For if you lived in a loving caring home, the abuse would have been treated, you would have been lovingly cared for and nurtured and the Bad Man/Woman would have been put away as so not to harm another.

    When the bad man/woman is not put away, we are left to feel bad and actually are told to put away our wounds.

    What an odd show and tell it now requires in order to stop more generations, we have to show who the monster is and then our wounded self returns to being good.

  • Help you be you.

    A letter of apology to my daughters, for I have taught you wrong, all my selfish pleadings to do well for me, as created within you a program, that is better to give than receive.

    To give up your attention on self and in return receive accolades of a job well done.

    To wear proudly the tag of people pleaser, to lower your boundaries bit by bit to take on more and more, until you are swimming in a life that is minus of you.

    I taught you to please me.
    I taught you to do for me.
    I taught you to think like me, dance for me, talk for me, and become a victim JUST like me.

    To let go of your own needs, to be the need pleaser of many, to be in a vacuum of Other inside of you.

    Where your first and only concern is Other.

    Helping other, feeling other, healing other, dealing other, pleasing other, loving other, seeing other, with only a teeny tiny smidgen of space, a speck that is truly just for you.

    By the time adult friendship and relationships are due to arrive, you have your role all mapped out, you will be drawn and have feelings for the deepest hurt, the most messiest, and jump in and begin to save, rescue and recreate a better life for them.

    I taught you to love the messiest, I taught you to love me. So, love for you is to find the lowest among us, the most selfish and the most wounded, and you will allow them to abuse you as I did.

    I didn’t let you be you, I needed you to help hold up me. For inside of me was nothing of self. You had to be my self.

    I never let your self be born, to let it flourish, prosper, life in its full light, instead I used you to also.

    I used you making you a victim to me.

    Unknowingly I needed you to fix me.

    The past six years I have spent fixing me, what I failed to notice is that the fixing I am doing, may not be enough to overflow on to you.

    You may have to fix yourself.

    To rescue a speck of self and slowly nurture it to bloom as you.

    I covered up that little bright self, each time I hollered in fear, when I needed you to look a certain way, act a certain way for you had to make me a better me.

    It was your job. I assigned it to you as a baby.

    All your accomplishments were to make me better.
    To shield the fact that within me lay nothing but a wounded victim, not a whole mom.

    I wasn’t a mom, I didn’t know how to be.
    I was victim posing as a mom.

    I used your little lives and little bodies to cover-up my deficiencies.

    And now, I fear that this is the only role you know.

    That you are destined to a life of serving Other and neglecting you.

    You all have served me well, and I am sickened by this and feel to the depth of my being, that the legacy that I was born in has its tentacles in you.

    And there is nothing now that I can do to make you shine bright inside of you. No amount of praise, love and attention will melt away the program set as a child.

    It will be up to each of you to reset your inside, to find the Spirit of self, to set up boundaries, to find a value of self, and I am setting you to this task with very little self.

    It can be done, and it has been done.

    I found a me inside of me buried deep waiting.

    She is who you now have as a mother, a reformed victimizer, and sadly she now has to sit and watch the affects of years spent being abused by me, play it self out.

    The legacy is hard to get out from beneath, and harder still to watch in real life continuing on slurping up another life.

    My greatest plea as I lay in tears on my yoga mat, was if this is my lesson, I got it. I got it, and please let my children get it too.

    The saddest day of my life is to see too much, to feel to much, to know the intricacies of the legacy, of living a soulless life, to see what I created.

    It is like I wanted puppets to please me, but the puppets are only set to please messy people, selfish people, mentally unbalanced people, and I can’t reset them to be puppets to self.

    To turn all those wonderful attributes and let them serve you.

    Love you.

    Feel you.

    Please you.

    All the love and attention I needed from you, I now need you to turn that back to you.

    Be the most wonderful caring loving trusting self to your self.

    I am sorry.

    I love you.

    Words mean nothing, actions speak loudly.
    You have witnessed myself in the past six years taking care of my self.

    I am here to help you be you.

    I pray it is not too late…can I be stronger than the legacy I planted?

  • Movement Against Fear Is Empowering

    I awoke from another profound dream and realized that my subconsciousness is healing.

     

    In the dream I am watching/babysitting an elderly couple, both are in bed, but not the same one, each are bickering to each other, clearly at odds.

     

    I am then sitting in a living room that has a glass wall where I can still see them, and I am reading, when suddenly the man is upon me, groping me, with no longer feeble hands, but very strong.  The woman remains sleeping, unaware.

     

    I am able to get free from his grasp and dial 9-1-1 on my phone, while he continues to pursue, and is now very angry with me for calling for help, and seems desperate to get me before ‘help’ arrives.  He also has picked up an object with which to hurt me.

     

    I put objects in his pathway as I am leaving the house, scrambling and telling 9-1-1 the house number of where he is, which angers him more. 

     

    Then I am in my car and the car is slow to start, but does and he is almost to the door handle… and I take off, leaving him grasping at air instead of the door handle of the car.

     

    I escape, successfully and have informed authorities, dream over. 

     

    I awake with a great understanding of what Peter Levine was talking about. 

     

    In the past this I have had a multitude of cat and mouse scenarios played out in my dreams and the dream always ended with me being caught, the end.

     

    Caught and frozen, just the dream ending and me waking up thankful IT being a dream so ‘nothing’ happened and I were saved. 

     

    Saved only because it was a dream, a scary dream or nightmare and I awoke.

     

    In my dream last night, it was the first time I was able to get away and to take the correct moves to do so, instead of freezing.

     

    Freezing and escaping from the scene by going into a dreamland in my mind, “disassociate” or waking up and it is a dream was all I had in the past.

     

    I had no way to escape in reality…until now.

     

    Boundaries, barriers, putting up a fight, standing up are all things a little child doesn’t have.

     

    It is those very items I am reclaiming and my subconscious mind is showing me in a dream I am succeeding.

     

    I awoke from that dream feeling as a heroine and not a victim.

     

    Moveable and not frozen, clearly seeing the cycle of caught and getting free, being restricted and getting away, instead of just knowing one side, frozen.  Frozen in fear.

     

    The freedom to move makes all the difference in the world.

     

    Movement against fear is empowering.

  • What Fills Me Up.

    Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor wrote about energy takers in her book, “My Stroke of Insight”.

     

    And if you watch how your body responds to different situations, you can find this out yourself.

     

    I know that when I am in the presence of people who talk about life negatively, I leave totally drained.

     

    Some talk in a victim mode where life is out to get you, and there is nothing you can do to change it.  They are not looking for an answer, but rather seem to delight in sharing more and more of how victimized they are and who the next big threat will be and how to guard against it. 

     

    Living on the defensive side of life!

     

    They are fighting with life and feeling they are being assaulted by life at every turn. 

     

    From this mode there is very little in life that brings them happiness, mostly life brings them bad news.

     

    Their radar is positioned to spot the next attack.

     

    Very interesting to watch the way the conversations flowed and how my energy level disappeared.

     

    It doesn’t matter which topic is brought up, they see it from a victim’s point of view and their victim energy gets refilled.

     

    I didn’t realize that victim energy could be draining on one side and refilling on the other.

     

    What fuels the victim mode is feeling more like a victim.

     

    My energy system needs the opposite; I need to be with life giving energies, where change is seen as an opportunity to change.  Where you flow with life, greeting it as it is, and bending in nonresistance, where you look for answers and solutions.

     

    What is greatly interesting to me, it is not the individual bodies I resent, but their modalities of living life.

     

    My view of life is so completely different now. I no longer feel a victim to life, but instead a partner with my life.

     

    As I walk hand in hand with my life, I feel so grateful to be free of the life draining energies that engulfed me in my past and I now know what brings me energy or what steals it away.

     

    Living life from the inside out, I feel the differences between energy coming in and my energies leaving, how I feel with someone or how I feel when I leave.

     

    I love that I know this about me.

    I love knowing what is draining me and what fills me up.

     

    As a good body keeper it is my job to watch for energy drains and for what fills me up.

     

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