I M Perfect lady

Tag: well

  • A darkened well.

    One of the gifts of disassociation in the moment of trauma is that you are kept unaware.  And being unaware, you don't know.  It puts the event in very very very slow motion. Where the body takes the physical injury, but the mind doesn't record it for 40 years, in my case.

    The total event doesn't happen until the mind and body are in perfect harmony with the truth.

    So, it was like I was being raped again, when the mind became aware of it…I was a 46 year-old feeling the trauma of a seven year old being abused.

    I was reverted back to being a very little girl, but had the words to articulate and to put up boundaries.  A very unique position to be in, a 46 year-old child being abused.

    It was as if I was able to witness how a child goes through the motions of abuse and the reactions within the circle of her life.

    I was able to see first hand the reaction of family and friends in how they treat and engage with the victim…and see how it is set up to embrace a wounded child.

    Mostly, I am still waiting for the support team to arrive.

    It is deeply appalling to me and vastly disturbing to know how little there is for an abused child to hold on to.

    Who is there who will listen and to see the child?

    Many will say they are open to hear anything the child has to say….but try speaking against a family and church and see how far you get…see how open that thick wall of resistance is.

    I guess I have been trying to get them to hear a child, to see how hard it is to change their preconceived ideas, and thus far it has failed.

    Mostly this blog has been to use my voice and words to articulate how it is being an abused child within a family that is wrapped in the beliefs of the FALC and dysfunction.

    And mostly, it is like talking to a wall.  This is what a child feels.

    There is no one hearing their cries.

    Just about every spirited comment has been in the defense of the church or family.

    Where is the outrage and injustice towards the abused children, the fear of there being pedophiles still running free inside of the church? 

    Who is out there taking up the cries of the child and doing something?

    I see the abused children sitting in a cold dark well of silence, while above is the singing of voices praising the ones who hurt them.

    Above the well of silence echo words to ward off the truth the children are saying.  They are singing so loudly our cries can't be heard.

    I would not have guessed in a million years the reactions I would be getting.  The level or thickness of the wall of resistance is pretty much impenetrable.  There is simply not a crack a child can wiggle into to be seen.

    There isn't any word you can say that will penetrate the closed mind.

    Walking the walk of an abused child, but in an adult body with a mind that is much more at an advantage than that of a child, has shown me clearly what a dark pathway it is for a child.

    I had thought, that perhaps fancy words, articulation, siting books and authors I would glean some attention, that I could send in an arrow that would peirce the dark, but it hasn't been so.

    Writing and talking for seven years…and the sing song voices continue to sing…and the cries continue to cry.

    The detective asked me, "What would it have taken for you to wake up, prior to the truth that your father was a pedophile?"  And I had no answer. 

    I don't know what would have woke me up any earlier than I did.

    What one thing that will split the darkness wide open.

    That is the answer I am seeking.  

    That is the ball I want to lob at the wall of denial.

    It is the magic word that needs to be spoken from deep within the well.  

    Only a day or two after hearing that my father was a pedophile, I recounted the feelings of being in a well.  And I actually felt like I had crawled to the surface and was left standing out there, muddy and dirty, but free. 

    Perhaps the freedom the children in the well need is to believe their own truth. The truth shall set you free.   The voices above are there to keep you from hooking onto them, and are challenging you to rise on your own…by following your truth, always.

    The only one who truly needs to believe you is you.

    When you are separated from your truth, you live deep within a darkened well.

    IMG_2894
    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri 

     

  • Confines of a Well

    There seems to be two perceptions.

    The Perceptions with choices and the perception of no choices or the perceptions of freedom or the perceptions of limited and no choice.

    And depending upon which land you occupy you will have a life that reflects that.

    I lived in both places. The first being the dark narrow hole of perception that I was frozen in, where I had to do what others wanted of me, where my life was led by the wishes of others, I had no free will of my own.

    We can call it a victim hole, and its perception is very one way, or co-dependent, where the quality of my life depended upon another.

    The perception in that land was very limited and the quality of life was at the mercy of another’s good will.

    It was from that darkness I fell out of onto the land of wide open expanse and freedom, where my strings to others were untied, where I was able to walk freely and express myself freely, where the victim chains that held me in place fell free.

    It was equal to walking out of Plato’s cave or the story in Sogyal Rinpoche’s book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, about the frog who climbed out of the well to see the ocean.

    It is like your constraints and perceptions shatter into a million fragments, where you now have access to an unlimited choice.

    There is no common ground between the two worlds.

    I feel that I lived in a place where my boxes of choices were not available to me.
    It seems incredible to me now that I didn’t have access to my own box of choices that I waited for someone to tell me what to do.

    Imagine the difference of perceptions to having access to your own choices or not.
    Living, as a prisoner in your own life is pure hell, its living in a dark well and not knowing what freedom exists outside.

    So while I agree perceptions are a choice, it is way hard to phantom that inside the well.

    If you disagree that perceptions are a choice perhaps you best look around where you are living and see who holds your box of choices.

    You will either find the freedom of the ocean or the confines of a well.