I M Perfect lady

Tag: within

  • Christmas Is Always Within Me

    I have been sitting and looking or feeling Christmas this year and in a much different place.  In the past Christmas came in and swept me up and carried me off…filling me with huge expectations of me and wildly false expectations of others. It seemed the magic of Christmas was about changing my life.

    It was suppose to ease my burdens and replace resentments with love…it was I guess suppose to act like magic.  Where all I had to do was 'wish' and my wishes would be granted.

    If I believed.  And I wanted to believe that magically miracles would happen, and all I had to do was wish them so. That perhaps the right present would bring in happiness…that would stay the whole year through.

    Today, Christmas seems overly garnished on an already peaceful life, that none of the 'stuff' will make my life better…that the purpose of Christmas lost its purpose.

    Tis the season of love…seems odd, when love is always in season.

    My remembering of Jesus and how he lived is not set aside for certain days, but lived, always. 

    His birth represents to me, awareness that we all come from one God, we each are but a wave in the ocean of humanity…created by one God.  We are all equal…no one is more special than the other.

    In the past, when I felt less than, Christmas mattered more.  When I felt that it was Jesus or God's job to save me, make me happy etc, I was left in the place of always wanting. Waiting for the right gift, the right person, the right action, and then like magic, my life would change.

    Now that I realize, that what is bound on earth is bound in Heaven; when I consciously am aware that I am co-creating with God, that nothing happens without my active participation, that I am the center of my Universe, that He can only give back to me what which I send out…I am left without the magic of Christmas on this one special day…for I feel the Christmas magic in me always.

    My love isn't found underneath the tree, it is within me.

    My peace isn't when the right circumstances come together, peace is within me.

    Joy is knowing the meaning of Christmas is always within me.

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  • Disguised as kindness.

    The word compliment and its twisting definition is trying to find true meaning in my head, for I feel that compliments are an outside expression we are trying to own, like hand-me-down self worth and self esteem.

     

    When I looked up the definition I found this.

     

    “Something that fills up, completes, or makes perfect.”  

     

    Or

     

    “An expression of praise, admiration, or congratulation. An expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration; especially: an admiring remark b: formal and respectful recognition.

     

    The first meaning seems odd, that ‘something is going to make us complete or perfect and fill us up. I know that this isn’t possible, that we can’t fill up another person or complete them in any way. 

     

    And yet compliments are noted as being kind.  Really???  How is it kind to pretend to fill up another?

     

    If I give you a compliment how do you wear it?  How do you then bring it inside and own it as your own meaning.  Isn’t it second hand?

     

    I then thought that the truthfulness or the authenticity of the compliments lay within the receiver not the giver.

     

    The state and condition of the receiver makes all the difference in the world.  If your self worth and self-esteem are wanting and you are not whole and healthy, than compliments are desired to make you so. And this leads to the compliments being more powerful than you.

     

    Compliments come from other people and they usually come after we have done something, so then this makes us work to gain our self worth, we have to do something to feel good.

     

    I used to work hard to gain pieces of my self worth, to be perfect, for I had very little sense of self inside, I needed their opinions and expressions to show me who I was, in their silence I disappeared.

     

    As I dropped the folks who used to give me their expressions and praise, I also dropped my need or desire for what they felt about me.  I then was able to feel first hand about my self.

     

    Isn’t there a ‘backhanded compliment’?  What is does that mean?  Is that an unkind compliment or one with an agenda?  Is it a compliment that has a hidden meaning?

     

    To me, if compliments are meant to make you feel better then they are dangerous, for you have to first feel great in order to receive them and then you don’t need them for you are full already.

     

    They seem like ego mist to me…something the ego feels is good for us and that it lies within others and not within ourselves…something we can’t ourselves grasp or hold on to, yet others seem to carry for us.

     

    Another co-dependent chain disguised as kindness.

     

     

  • Perfections of Me.

    I think trying to define love is like trying to define our unique personalities; we all have a love definition, which we formed through our experiences in life.

     

    Love for me is on the inside and is more about me, where before it was an outside need and all about you.

     

    There has been a total switch in my definition of love.

     

    Before I felt love by what others brought me, I was empty of love unless and until another showed me some love. 

     

    I was empty and I would do almost anything to get some love.  I was a people pleaser to fill my container called love. 

     

    Now I feel love from the inside out.

    I am full of love inside.

     

    Love of me and all the different layers, stages and ages that make up me.

     

    I sit with great compassion and empathy of my journey to love me.

     

    It has taken many years to look at me, all the nooks and crannies, the dark side and the light, to see all the facets of myself and to become friendly with them or at least meet them with understanding, little by little trusting and loving me.

     

    I am sure there are still parts of myself I haven’t explored, even sections of my past that lay buried, yet with each new lesson returns another aspect of my self that was long ago sacrificed.

     

    Sacrificed for another’s love, another’s happiness, another’s dream.

     

    Each sacrifice took away a part of me.

    Until there was nothing left for me to love.

     

    I will no longer sacrifice my feelings for you, my happiness for yours, or my truths for yours.

     

    Love without sacrifice means loving myself enough to move away…

     

    To steer clear of things that hurt me then and now, to speak my truths, to be honest with my feelings, to protect my happiness and my dreams.

     

    Love is the freedom to be myself.

    Love loves my imperfections until they become my perfections of me.