I M Perfect lady

Tag: yourself

  • One Verse of Me.

    I had an overwhelming feeling of being lost, of searching for myself, but not knowing who I was or how I would find me.

    What I was describing very accurately is my innocent me.

    That was who I set off to find…how I had gotten so far off the path of me…and who would I be, minus all the stuff?

    Letting go of the old me, and turning my back on all of the folks who created her, was very scary…for I had nothing of myself when I left.

    I was a stranger to myself going out to find a self, who I didn't know at all.

    I didn't know how this journey would end, what would I find as I resurrected my truth…

    I stood horrified of the lies I had built myself upon…and couldn't pretend to pretend to pretend I was her…and a new self wasn't born, so I was left in a space a vacuum of time…nothing to hold myself in.

    A stranger to the truth…and a nonbeliever of the lies.

    Where I used to be strong and confident in the false life, I now lay weak in disbelief.

    I don't know where the courage came to even wiggle a finger, let alone set out and dig up my past and re-contextualize each thing to set it up within the frame work of truth.  And to do so while living life.

    Living life as a nobody.  Just a truth correction lady.  Letting my self definition go, while I fixed all my wrong beliefs and thoughts.

    It was like my life to this point was written in fiction and I had to go back and make it nonfiction.  I was the main character and the author…re-writing my past while living in my present…changing the essence of the main character, me.

    Here I am writing my life story, while living it out; changing the main character from dysfunctional to functional…from false and fiction to truth and reality…

    What an intriguing position.  Writing how I found me, while researching how I lost me…while lost to who I really am.

    Unaware, to aware…but lost….to knowing how I got lost.

    I found myself where I got lost.

    Innocent.  

    When I left my innocence, I lost me…I walked away, or ran in fear and terror…or was exploited.

    While I can burst with gratitude for finding myself and my innocence, I too have to feel the agony of the sheer magnitude that conspired to lead me from me.

    The forces that pulled me away…and I felt the literal forces working to drag me back as worked on going back to me.

    My cells and DNA screamed as I worked to return to my natural state of being, they were addicted to the false lies and false adoration and attention…I had to turn on myself, turn on my family, turn away from all I knew, in order to recalibrate myself.

    Going from Falsehood to Truth. 

    Innocence is being at one with the truth….one verse of me.

    IMG_1406
    This photo was taken of me and my sister friend, Kirsten in the summer of 2008.  I love the joy, the love and peace….me on my journey back to me…I have found wonderful souls to walk with me and cheer me on.  I love that you held me up when I had nothing inside of me.  Thanks seems so small for such a huge task, but thank you to all who walked with me as I sought to find myself while lost.

     

     

  • Window in Self Love

    Sitting here this morning with a visual of a scorecard and its shocking totals are prompting me to shut a door, close a window, and separate myself from those racking up the score.

    It wouldn’t be so bad if the game was close to a tie but the numbers in the Perpetrator column are 100 and the Little Girls Zero.

    This game started with my parents and continues on to the second generation, they have taken over the scorecard and adding their marks.

    Each of us carries our own scorecard and then a collective one for those we travel with, and we write upon who we are by where our hash marks go.

    Our actions are our hash marks, no words are needed, its an actions only game of life.

    I had 40 years of filling the column up with support for the Perp and his wife, I worked, lifted, carried, toiled, struggled, adding to their columns.

    They had my full undying support, my confidence, my faith, and what I called love back then…they had all of me, and I had zero.

    Zero was all I felt and all I was worth.

    My only worth came from filling up another’s column.

    It was up to me to build them up, cheer them up, help them up, make them up, hold them up, Anything to keep them from falling down.

    I was worth something If I could keep them from falling down. Like a juggler of bad behaviors, I kept trying harder the more they fell down.

    Sadly all the beefing up of their columns couldn’t make them into what I needed them to be, and in the end they fell exactly as they were, nothing changed.

    We just can’t know that we are not our brother’s keeper, we can’t make or break their lives by our actions, our actions and our scorecard is our life.

    Each of us accumulates scores by what we do.

    My actions have drastically changed, I no longer lift a finger to add anything or take away anything from another’s scorecard, I only make marks on my own.

    Don’t worry folks, I know what you feel about me, I know the sharp edges of self righteous labels you are sticking on me, the tags of uncaring, cold, heartless, mental, unstable, distant, sickening, all the names float towards me when we communicate, I get it, I receive fully your intentions and your feelings, and this is why I am shutting the window, closing the door, for I am not willing to take it anymore.

    You won, the game is over.
    I quit.

    You can’t keep racking up the scores against me If I am no longer in the game…

    My wellness, healing, happiness, peace, love and joy falter as each time I feel these energies coming towards me, it is self-abuse to keep the window open.

    I shut the window in self love.