I M Perfect lady

The dialogue continues with my sister and I.  That alone is surprising.  What she continues to show me is how she seen him and experienced the hurt.  What she fails to see is a way out of the hurt.

I will repeat myself, that it doesn’t make it better to have your abuser be a your father, a man you trusted, loved and who fed and clothed you, IT MAKES IT WORSE.

Wrapped up in and twisted around in is love and abuse. You can’t seem to tell where fear begins and love ends, or visa versa.

Then let’s add the expectations of others as to how a daughter should act, and even expectations of your self!  Who are you if you can’t love and honor the father?

I am certain this is where the rubber meets the road, the separation or division between my family and me.

Perhaps they did see who he was, but they didn’t know how to stop being the role they had for many long years.

Isn’t it funny it isn’t about him or who he is, but rather about who you are.

Who are you in your relationships, what do you allow or not allow?  What would cause a daughter to give up her role, is there a line that has to be crossed, what is the line?

My sister bravely stood in front of him, stated her fears and revulsion of him, yet couldn’t stop being a daughter.

I know that in the past, I have heard of others who stand staunchly in their places amidst great forces, and I used to think how strong and how brave.

But when I see a child who has been abused by a parent continue to be with or feel obligated to them, I see the breakdown of free choice.

There seems to be a binding that takes place at a very young age, a bonding of sorts, one that will hold strong over the greatest evils, blood indeed is thicker than water.

To break away, to stop being in a relationship takes more strength than staying.  And staying has to be very very hard.

Maybe it is the opposite, for to stay would have killed me.

How interesting it will be if we can continue to dialogue out why she stayed and why I left.

Two abused girls with different reactions. 

I will not judge them why they stayed, for I know the pain of leaving.  I know the cost of losing all, yet I also know the glory of finding a free self.

I am free and strong, I now have a voice and a choice.

I love that, “a voice and a choice” that is what all humans should have.

He is allowed to be the man he is and I am allowed to walk away.  My mother is allowed to be the woman she is, and I am allowed to walk away.  I am not staying in a place that doesn’t suit my new found truths; I am not staying for their good and my detriment.

I walked away from them, but straight into being me!

At last I was present in my world, I had a voice and a choice!