Chronically Response Able.

Yesterday, I heard the word "Chronic" being used for actions instead of how we generally use it meaning illnesses that are long lasting.  

I had to look up the definition. "Persisting for a long time or constantly recurring."

They said, "He was chronically abusive."  I had never even thought that abuse or hurtful behaviors as being a chronic condition.

Although I have known abuse is handed down from generation to generation, I hadn't thought that at a point, you become a chronic abuser, it isn't an isolated incident.

What I had also heard was that by spanking a child or using physical force to get them to behave, you are sending the message that I love you so I must hurt you…I must hurt you in order for you to behave.

Which if you really look at it, it is insanity.  Hurting to show love.

The theme of the discussion, between Dr. Phil, Dr. Robin Smith and Oprah was on Love Doesn't Hurt.

Another point I heard Dr. Robin say to a young girl who said the reason she stayed with her boyfriend, was that she loved him so much, to which Dr. Robin said, "but he didn't love you so much because he could hurt you."

What is so hard for children who grow up in abuse, who are born onto a chronic abuser is that our 'love' is mixed up with painful experiences, and we then believe that love has hurtful places.

My old way of loving was very painful, it was a chronic condition that felt awful on both sides.  I was challenged to find a way to mother without pain.  Without resorting to my old habits of rage and anger, and instead give them consequences for their actions.  Making them in charge of their lives and not me.

And actually getting me in control of my own life.

My chronic verbal abuse was what I had to work on.  I had to get control of my mouth and the fuel of anger behind it, I had to become reasonable in an unreasonable mind.

What is so awful it is like being an anorexia but in loving.  You think you are loving, but you are abusing, in realities mirror you can't see the pain you are causing or know that you are the cause.

Or know there must be a better way, but you can't seem to do it.

It wasn't until I seen that my children were not the cause of their bad behavior that I was.  Imagine, I was the cause of their bad behaviors.  I had taught them to behave this way.  I taught them by my lack of consequences, lack of steady strength inside of me.  

When I fixed me, I fixed my children's behavior.

When I stopped being a chronic hollering mother, one who never had boundaries, whose word didn't mean diddly squat, and became instead a woman who was fighting for control of herself, our whole house changed.  For when I made myself responsible for me, it made my children responsible for themselves.

Now I am chronically response able.