I M Perfect lady

Sometimes you don't know what you miss until you get that which you are missing. 

I didn't know that it mattered if my mother approved of my actions, when in fact I was blatantly out here doing the opposite of her approval, yet underneath buried deep was the longing for approval.

I then sought it in others.

Others are supposed to give to me that which was lacking from my mother.

Feeling the complete void where her approval should be, is the space where others are filling in.

Not that I openly sought it, but underneath each new encounter was this fear of not getting their approval.

I approved of me, and yet there still was a piece of me that was waiting and it came alive in the presence of others…to be fed.

There is a weird play going on…I am doing that which I know is not going to get approval from my mother, yet waiting for it.  It was the feelings of not being able to share my upcoming speaking event with family members, to have their support. Instead I step out and do exactly that which they don't approve of…but, a false belief system craves their approval.

I guess her approval would mean that I am loved and accepted.

So, even if the world accepts me, the little girl, the wounded one, still wishes for a mother's approval. When, the only way she can get it is to disregard her truths.

This juxtaposition is the agonizing choice we make.

Our truth or her approval…which really means 'love' and acceptance.

The abused child absolutely cannot have both.

Pick one.

As I sit only days away from going more public with my truth, I feel the expanse between us widening, the valley floor moving.  

I didn't realize I needed her to be proud of me, until another woman was.

I am doing the opposite of what used to bring me love and approval…I now am doing this for me.

I approve.

I love the woman I am. 

I will go up there and speak without their approval.