I M Perfect lady

For the past 7 and a half years, I have been working on my inner landscape, trying to sort through files and beliefs that were built to protect and hide the darkness of abuse within the Huhta family.  

I have been doing deep excavating and learning about the unspeakable or perhaps the sins that were blessed an erased away.  Going back into my life into places of discomfort, unease, pain, betrayal, abuse…sorting through piles of ideas that were the brain children of my mother…and not of reality.

Her brain and mine had many of the same patterns…I had to learn how I learned. I had to see why I thought the way I thought.  

My focus has been on exploring abuse and its affects….from a distance and then while being the experiment itself.  

To see affect of abuse first hand as I am in the throes of it…learning while being the subject and the object.

There are parts of me that will remain affected, that no matter how I try, the abuse has claimed certain pieces.  I will become 'unglued' when reality is overlooked or when I am made responsible for something that I am not in control of….each will send me flying back to reacting in a traumatic way.  Post traumatic stress.  

I am getting better at staying in the stress for shorter periods. To find out where I am responsible and then giving back responsibilities that are not mine to carry.  I am learning to manage my post traumatic stress moments…better.

I also felt down deep in my cells I am at peace.  I am free of abuse.  I am in a home that breathes peace. There are no abusive energies that haunt me here.  I am completely at rest in my home and in my relationships. And, My abused mind no longer is misconstruing good and evil.  

With a mind that cannot see clearly, I wasn't able to see clearly…to be with what is.

I was always seeing the opposite…in my mind.

Cultivating peace inside of me and daring to see reality naked, is the key to being at peace now.

Peace to me, is when your mind and reality agree.

I am so grateful to be in a loving peaceful home.  I feel peace…it surrounds me.  My body, mind and soul are at peace.  Peace is no longer fighting reality.