I M Perfect lady

"Few situations can be bettered by going berserk." —MELODY BEATTIE 

"It was the philosopher Michael Zimmerman who told the story of being a boy in school when someone passed him a pair of Chinese handcuffs, a seemingly innocent thimblelike casing with an opening at each end. It was passed to him without a word, and, of course, through curiosity, he slipped his left forefinger in one end and then his right in the other. Mysteriously, what made them handcuffs was that the more you tried to pull your fingers out, the tighter they held you. Feeling caught, he panicked and pulled harder. The small cuffs tightened. But suddenly, it occurred to him to try the opposite, and as he leaned his fingers into the problem, the small casing slackened and he could gently and slowly work his fingers free. So many times in life our pulling in panic only handcuffs us more tightly. In this small moment, the philosopher as a boy reveals to us the paradox that underscores all courage: that leaning into what is gripping us will allow us to work our way free."                                Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

This is a hard won lesson for me. My initial instinct where abuse and/or denying the truth is concerned, is to berserk.  To freak out!  Perhaps it is all the years that I did not respond, that I am now over responding to any little hint of there being an imbalance of power.

What I fail to remember, is that it is not about me.  I become powerless when I go berserk.  I lose control in that moment of time.  

And most often the abuse has already happened…the crime has been committed, the event is over, and here I stand acting like the fire has just begun…when it has already turned to coals.

My inner responses are a few years too late…

If an abuser is good, if their grooming and courting is spot on, no one sees the fire blazing.  It remains hidden between the two…the victim and the abuser.  When done correctly, no one notices the soot spots on the victim…for she picks up part of the dance…of silence and sneaking around.  The time to freak is when it is impossible to see the fire.

By the time it becomes aware, the damage is done. The victim has been turned around and upside down and calls abuse by another name.

What then is the best response?  How do you undo the careful crafting of abuse?

And, there are two kinds of grooming or courtship.  One is with false kindness and the other with sheer terror and threats.

How do you intervene into these confused minds?

I can see that my 'efforts' of berserkness is not helpful.  

It takes sheer will to breathe calmly in the aftermath of abuse… A will I have not mastered at all.  

What I go berserk about is that the victim isn't seeing. I guess I believe If I put on a dramatic display they will wake up. Usually though, I just appear scary.

My strong suit is when they see their own confused mind and are asking for clarity.

It is complicated when someone you love is sleeping in a dream that is far away from the truth, and it is draining their power and self esteem…

What I do know, is that I woke up after 46 years and had but a teeny tiny seed of self and was able to grow strong by being aware and seeing the truth.

Tom Rosemurgy asked me, "What could we have done to make you become aware while you lived in denial?"  It is a question that continues to plague me.

However, I do know that it would have been uncomfortable, BUT helpful to have people question me…instead of sit in silent disagreement, but rather voice their concerns…even freaking out. 

What I noticed most, looking back, is the silence of many while knowing abuse lived in our childhood home. What I didn't know then, is that many who were silent had the same type of energy in their own homes.  A fire seeing another fire as normal or at least nothing to get shook up about.

Going berserk may have been helpful in gaining my attention.  IF, the person doing the theatrics was someone I trusted.

When abuse lives in the home you trust, your trust is put in a container that doesn't have your best interest at heart.  

My over responding to abuse most likely is brought on by the apathy of many. What would seem a normal active response to abuse never appears…in its place, silence and blindness arrive. 

The overwhelming insanity is what I see the most. 

A whole church full of people NOT responding.  Their Board Members, Mission Chairperson, Ministers, mothers and fathers….silently blind when abuse is spoken about.

Going berserk seems to be a typical response for me when you put it up against their massive group denial.

As a child, it would have been helpful to have even one person going berserk on my behalf.  One lady standing up and speaking the truth.  One eye to see me in abuse. 

For it is indeed true, "All it takes for evil to continue is for good people to do nothing."

I may go berserk, but in my book it still is better than doing nothing.