I M Perfect lady

"REST IN PEACE" is for the living…

is a phrase I read somewhere…and I agree.  

My father passed away.  Most often I call him Ray. The father part, for me, died about 8 years ago.  My sorrow was then, my pain and grief all were felt in great depths, back then. Today, it feels like trying to resurrect those feelings…and nothing comes up.

There is no sorrow today of his passing.

It was indicated to me, that I would now find joy with his passing…but I have had joy for many many years. I did not need him to die to find joy.  I did not need him to die to find peace.  I have had both for again, many many years.

His impact upon my life ended a long time ago.

His life and how he lived it, and if he lived, bore no reflection upon my life.  He and I were detached, estranged, separated…our lives have not been joined together in years.

What is awkward is how people respond to me.  They are unsure of how to address the daughter whose relationship ended years ago.  "I am sorry…" doesn't fit.  I get it. It is an expression that would have fit more appropriately back then in the throes of me becoming estranged and filled with grief….now what words work?

I do appreciate folks who can recognize my position of having a father die 8 years after the relationship died…for typically, the death of the body and the relationship happen at the same time…what happens when the body out lives the relationship?

It does feel strange to not have grief upon his death…to not have acute feelings of any kind…neither high or low.  But a sorta normal day…just wondering how it will all be for others who had relationships with him or for those who had broken relationships, as well as those who had been abused by him feel.  

I don't know how the family is presenting this….if there will be a funeral or how they will walk this out.  I was notified by my daughter.  I have heard 'his wishes' are to be cremated and he would like his ashes spread in the woods of our area.  

Perhaps there is a finality, a completion now that the body is no longer breathing…that his life is now complete.  His legacy is all that remains…and for each of us, it looks different.

Mine…what I got from him and from my mother is something I have been working for many years to re-pattern.  To live differently, to make different choices etc.  So for me his legacy has even died…I am striving to change the legacy within my own limb of the family tree.

I never spoke to him after finding out he was a pedophile. Some feel I should have spoken my piece…to give him a piece of my mind.  My piece, my side would not have changed a thing…

I am, and have been, completely at peace about the death of our relationship for many many years.  I have no regrets.  No words I wished I uttered.  

The oddest part of being abused by your father, is that many feel that the relationship should be upheld, "NO MATTER WHAT".

No matter what, the blood and family ties are forever.  Nothing should sever the tie.

That to me is the mindset that keeps abuse flourishing…for no matter what he is your dad…is the belief that keeps a child tied to her/his abuser.

Really?

Really…..I have no choice but to ride along due to this iron clad belief.  "That no matter what, Family is Family."

I dissolved this iron clad rule of "NO MATTER WHAT" and put in place a thing called "freedom of choice".

It does matter what you do and It doesn't matter if your family or not.  I am allowed to choose my response to your actions.  

I broke "No Matter What"…and was set free.  My peace, my joy and my love all were tied up in the "no matter what".  I was chained to the ill behavior of many due to this rule of 'family'.

My struggles, grief and pain all was due to me wrestling my life away from the "No Matter What" rule.

Now, that I am free…I am misread, for I don't abide by NO Matter What.

Of course actions of "No Matter What"….and "It does Matter"….will not match.

In my father's death some will hold this rule high and close to their hearts, for no matter what he did, he is and will always be, their dad.