I M Perfect lady

I can see there is a niche market for cards; cards that fit the imperfect situation.

It has been interesting to be the subject that is hard to deal with, yet again.

Being a child of a known pedophile isn't an easy road to hoe….and it doesn't get easier when he dies.  Now, folks don't have a clue what to do, again.

I will speak from my point of view, which is the tone of this whole blog.  It may or may not be the same for my siblings.  In fact, I am pretty sure I will step on toes and crinkle or bend them.

What I have used as my own meter to know what people were up to, was to watch for actions. Words became meaningless, when words were the camouflage my mother drapped over abuse in our home.  

I looked up the word "Camouflage".

"Hide or disguise the presence of (a person, animal, or object) by means of camouflage."

And if you just looked at actions minus the words what would you see in the way people are acting?

What is their story on mute?

A few have given me their words to ride along with actions, and feel the words MUST be with the Action OR the Action will be misread.

Really?

I sat with this.  I wondered how much of my actions need words?  How much of my life could be mis-represented and that you need an explanation for it?  Even if I said not a word on this blog, my actions are clear, loud and present.

Is it not the same for them?

What is a residual affect from waking up in an abusive home…after years of blindness, is that you want to see actions that you have previously missed.

What I am finding discerning is that my mother's tool is being used on me…meaning words are given that don't match the action and yet I am 'suppose' to believe.

That is the awkward family part…where words are to be more valuable than actions.

And then there is this other awkward place, where friends don't know what to do…normal sympathy cards seem inappropriate and they are left not even wanting to bring it up.  Silence is the action choosen.

Silence on my end feels equally as awkward as a sympathy card.

My father did die.  I am once again an awkward moment.  I am finding that his death is just like when we first heard of his pedophilia, awkward not knowing what to say, so silence is chosen.

Silence to me feels extremely empty.  Even the sympathy cards show movement and caring.

I can see how there needs to be an imperfect card selection for folks like me…and a book on what would be helpful in these situations.  I do understand, for the general society rules don't apply.

What I want you to know how it feels on this side of silence…and on this side of watching actions.  I feel like I now see the world like a child, how their candor and simple mindedness of seeing and feeling…of how explanations fall on deaf ears….

Just as children do not believe what you say, but they believe what you do.

Isn't there that old saying "do as I say not as I do"….

Actions speak Louder than Words…