I M Perfect lady

In writing about Karma I stumbled upon the idea of reflective self image…and narcistic behavior.  I have heard the word before, but I had never truly looked at what it meant.  And, if you are trying to change your reflection you will not change your karmic path.

I just didn't sit smack down in the middle of what it means to only see yourself as a reflection in what people say about you…how other people's opinions matter more than your own, for you see yourself reflected in their eyes.

I didn't get this word narcissistic as that when you saw yourself, it was through how others saw you….one step removed…via an outside window; the eyes of other.

Even though I lived as a narcissistic lady and was devasted when the reflection of who I was shattered and I was left without a me.  There was no inside me without the outside image.

It is like the voices and ideas of you by others is the mirror in which we see ourselves.  

My voices (mirror) was something that I thought was loving and with high values and standards….I had an upstanding mirror and I saw myself as my mirror saw me. And it was all good, until my mirror became one that was warped and distorted…abuse.

I had lived to keep the mirror saying good things about me.

When I stopped dancing for the mirror, the mirror no longer said nice things.

I had begun to dance for me.

For the very faint and tiny self inside of me.

Just the concept of doing for the self inside of me was foriegn…so strange and awkward.  I was very inept at being me.

Little by little my self image shrank on the outside and grew on the inside.

I was losing my narcissistic self.

I am just amazed at how I can now see clearly how I was only a reflection of what others thought of me.

What a scary way to live….for at any time, they can change their minds and then my image would change.  I had no control of my reflection…the mirror had all the power.

Just picture the mirror being the one in charge of changing how you looked.

The difference of knowing and owning and being a self without the need of a reflection compared to being a narcissistic….is so vast it boggles my mind.

Wayne Dyer speaks of "Being beyond the good opinions of others…" and it was a place of great freedom and one that takes an extreme amount of fearlessness to achieve.

It is what I had said early on. "I am going to go and find myself, I don't know who I am or that I was even missing."

I had no self without the good opinions of others. That is why I cared so much what others thought about me.

Now, I don't care how they see me…that is truly their business.

Mine is to keep my inner view of me crystal clear.

I don't do things that will reduce or lower the inner image of myself.

I carry myself and I am the one who raises my value or lowers it, depending upon what I do.

I am the one whose karmic path I have to live with.

The ones who used to be the keepers of my reflection never had to live the karmic debts it cost me to keep dancing for their good words.

Imagine…we do things that we don't like in order to get words that keeps our reflection shining good and then we have to live the consequences of the dance.

In order to appear loving and kind in the reflection, we tolerate bad behaviors from others. All we care about is that the reflections sees us as good people.

I am so grateful that my reflection shattered into a million peices and that I didn't have the strength to dance again.

I then did what I had never done.

I only danced for me.

I only did what I could live with.