I M Perfect lady

I was left wondering about my family of origin and the way we are spinning as we go through life.

Some are spinning towards their center and some are spinning away.

What is easier, going against the spinning majority and losing their love and attention, or spinning with the majority spinning away from your own center.

One is being pulled by what the majority needs and wants and the other is to spin to the beat of your own drum.  There is a price to be paid for both…neither is a free ride of bliss and ease.

And, from what I have come to know, the destinations are actually more important than the spinning. Where are you spinning to? What will be the outcome?  What will you have and to hold when you get there?  Is there a there?  Who are you as you are spinning?  

I can see the two different ways of spinning.

One is me and the other are most of my siblings.  

I have spun both ways and I know that each has its pain and suffering, but what I didn't fully grasp is how you end up.

Will you spin into madness or will you spin into clarity?

Will you eventually spin completely out of control and lose complete sight of your center and in knowing who you are?  

 Do you spin in rebellion or are you spinning in harmony….and in harmony for peace in the family or harmony for your soul?

Where we end up will matter more than the journey itself.

Who will you be and where will you land?

What is the cost of spinning away from your self?

And is it really possible to leave your self or are you taking your self on a ride and it watches you and knows how you continually make choices against your self in order to make peace 'out there'.  

I know that in the past I made choice after choice mindless or heedless of what its cost was to me, to the self, the essence of me, how each choice that was based for ease today, piled another layer upon me, leaving the real me far far below.

I also know, they know. They know that they are unwilling to ruffle feathers. Unwilling to push a button, unwilling to see what is uncomfortable seeing, to instead say things that are not true to have 'peace' today.  This is the spin.  Just as many journalist put a spin on their stories, so to do we.

We spin them to make it more palpitable for today…we either spin with the truth or spin it to make it sound better.

Spinning with the harmony of reality or spinning away in denial.

We spin for many reasons.

We spin to be liked and to have love and to be not alone.

We spin to be perfect and to appear kind.

We spin to not feel the truth and the pain that follows.

We spin our lives to make us feel better.

But where will it lead?  Does it lead to a better life, a happier home, a loving relationship or does it keep you from feeling real life?

Just interesting to see the lives spinning and wonder what they are weaving.

Spinning out of control or spinning into control.

What I didn't know either, is that there is no difference between spinning out of control with drugs/alcohol etc or spinning into dark oblivion of strict religion or in denial of abuse.  

In all YOU are out of control.  You are not able to make choices for your self.

Just as dysfunctional families do not want anyone wielding free will in their relationships. There is only one way to spin in abusive homes, and it certainly is not for your own good.  You must spin around the abuser…like a tragic merry-go-round.

I have spun now both ways. 

One is spinning out of control and away from the center of me….and the further and longer you spin, it will be harder to gain control and reverse the spin.

The centrifugal motion takes immense amount of strength and courage to stop. 

I had a whole life of 46 years based upon spinning away from my center.  

I had to unwind and undo all that I had spun into an illusion…

It literally felt like I was becoming undone.

And I was.

I was unraveling all that wasn't true.