I M Perfect lady

"The conflict between what one is and who one is expected to be touches all of us. And sometimes, rather than reach for what one could be, we choose the comfort of the failed role, preferring to be the victim of circumstance, the person who didn't have a chance."  Merle Shain

I have learned in the past 8, almost 9 years, that I can no longer live my life as others expect, but have no choice anymore but to live as I am.

 I can't pretend to pretend, that I will even endeavor to be what you expect me to be….what you would prefer me to be…I will never even try to please you, before I please me.  Not ever.

I use to live in the comfort of the failed role that was not me…and so many were at peace…while I lived a life of quiet resentment.  

I resented you for expecting anything from me.

I put the rage/anger/resentment on you.

When, the truth was, I didn't know who I was or how to be me AND do this without failing your expectations of Me.

It was the most exhilarating and completely terrifying journey….to disappoint you and please me.  I lost all who expected a different me…and, there are some who still mourn for the old me.  She is dead…

Who stands in her place is me…the me I recovered or uncovered. The me who is completely known to me…but may be unfamiliar to you.

Imagine, I lived for 46 years as someone who failed at being herself.

I lived for your peace.

I lived for your love.

I lived for your joy.

I was going to write, I didn't know what brought me peace, love and joy…..and perhaps I didn't.  But, I did know, that IF I began to question or stop serving others, there would be moments of discomfort…

I guess I did know, deep down what I truly wanted…but was too afraid to do it.  To just say what I needed to say and do what I needed to do…for I knew that so many relationships were based up the expectations of others…and had very little to do about individual needs.

I am sure the crux of dysfunctional families is that we all live to serve the parents. No matter who they are and what they've done. We are taught to live under their expectations.

Daring to live, thrive and flourish outside of what they had expected is so freeing and can often seem like rebellion…

When all it is is to be living the role of Me.

It will be Me who walks among my Art Therapy….quilts.  The ones who represent how the world was so large and me so small, the inner self esteem almost non-existent.  

It is a surreal moment to be the Lady….speaking of the "Lady"….knowing it is Me and Me.  

As I pondered the "Meet the Artist"….I see it as meeting the Divine or the Universe or something other than me. For often I was unaware I what I was creating as I was creating it.

It is like I too want to meet the artist to see the source of these quilts…

I will go tonight, feeling less like an artist, but more like a Fan…knowing this is not of my doing…but that I am the woman who sewed.

"Lady" quilts on display at Copper Country Mental Health – Houghton, MI