I M Perfect lady

Today I was once again, or I was STILL reviewing the two events on Saturday; one a beautiful wedding and the other the collision of estrangement..my family of origin and I…many I hadn't seen face to face in almost 9 years.  

The two events couldn't be further apart in sentiment and energy and yet they were being played out in real time one on top of the other.

These two events were mostly being felt by my estranged family and I.  The rest of the guests came only to one party…or so I think.

I wonder, if all weddings and funerals and other life celebrations have this double gathering?

On one hand social niceties would be expected…and the other cool detachment of estrangement…some expecting a forced nice.

I also suspect the same double life exists in many families….where abuse is hidden behind the normal activities of life.  

Where you are supposed to put aside your differences and party on.

It seems so inauthentic and a loss of ground or being encroached upon.

This also feels like my first 46 years of life, whereas you would just ignore and play friendly with folks who you had negative feelings towards.  Put your feelings aside and please people…in order to keep the party or normal life going.

Perhaps the wedding with estranged guests mirrors exactly a dysfunctional life.

Where the 'negatives' come to the party, but we all mingle and pretend all is well with thee.

My post traumtic feelings, or high anxiety and repugnent feelings are to be put back into that same energy field.

What I also felt helpless about, and I know this has to be true for most children of abuse, IS that I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO RUIN THE WEDDING. 

Like it was Me who invited them….or me who ignited the hostile feelings…etc.  Me who wouldn't pretend is the party pooper.

We dont' have to wonder about why it is so tough for a child to stand up against abuse…for it is pretty tough to be the lone ranger and be made to feel it is your fault for the turmoil.  If I would only 'let it go' and 'forgive and move on' we would all be one big happy family. 

Where there didn't have to be separate parties.

Where all would feel free to come and go.

The reason most dysfunctional families continue to flourish, is that very few will stop attending functions or life celebrations…they 'bury the hatchet' and get back in the social graces…and before you know it life returns to 'normal' and the abuse is like it never existed.

But it did.

It not only did, but it is continuing on.  Just because you have buried your memories or the feelings and rage, or forgiven it, it doesn't mean it has disappeared.  It will come back.  

The legacy of abuse is that when you return to family as usual, when things are back as they were before, it means, the little ones are once again in harms way.  You have not taken the steps to eliminate the threat of abuse.

I know they believe that since my father is dead, abuse has died…that the children are now safe.

It is not.  

Our family had abuse coming in from all angles….inside the house, inside the relatives and inside of the neighborhood.  Abuse flourished in our relationship for over 40 years…due to the exact behaviors I see now.

Abuse knows which families to visit and which ones will be harder to penetrate.

I see the deck stacked with folks who are so unaware of what evil even is….and who allow anyone near their children…I see my mother in many of them. 

As they think I am the biggest enemy or the one to keep away from….abuse sneaks in closer, becoming friendly…accepted by the adults. And adults unaware.

It isn't IF abuse will strike again, but when and from where?

It is like watching a train wreck about to happen…while the adults are busy being sisters….being family by overlooking the very thing that is feeding upon the little ones.

And, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

They keep seeing me as the problem, when I am trying to be the impetus for change….to stop the legacy of abuse.

Abuse/perpetrators love that they are looking at me as the problem for it leaves no eyes on them.

My family of origin had abuse coming from all angles, because the level of people my parents were attracted to were of the same kind…if you overlook and excuse abuse, abuse will follow you…and be your friend.  It only stays where it is wanted.

"The highest treason a crab can commit is to make a leap for the rim of the bucket." Steven Pressfield