I M Perfect lady

While going through my file of correspondence I received from family in the aftermath of my father's arrest, I found the birth and death certificates of my father's parents….and a note, dated 10/18/09

My mother's last line…."You are my beloved daughter I continue to pray you will come to accept me with all my faults and failures….always and forever, Mom."

What she fails to appreciate, she is making this my job, my responsibility to lower my boundaries to accept her 'faults and failures'…of which was to love and protect a pedophile.  She has never, not once asked how her faults and failures affected my life, how I feel or the cost to myself and my children.

Yet, she wants me to accept her as she is….and always has been, and move back into the relationship.  

For what?

Her peace?

In a note that was with my father's history, she writes…

"These are yours to keep or throw away.  My memories are only mine.  No one can take these from me.  My you find acceptance and peace with the pas. What is – is, no amount of screaming shouting crying can change it. I love you, always have and always will…"

She threw them to me.  Tossed them out of her 'collection' of papers and said, "you were always the one interested in relatives…"

She tossed out the paperwork, but is holding on to the memories, like treasured jewels.

These same treasured memories for her are of the man who abused her daughters, granddaughters and neighborhood girls….and the "no one can take these from me" sentiment is what keeps us apart.

I suppose I could talk about abuse, IF I don't use his name or reference him….for she will not have her memories tarnished, nor will she toss them aside.

It is incredible that she will hold on, even with the evidence that spilled all over the top of it.  

Ironic that she sends me his stuff…repulsed is how I first felt, but have always kept all the correspondence as "evidence" of her insanity…or blindness or denial…and how she responded. 

I guess it was proof I felt I needed…to show that I wasn't just making stuff up…. as one said, "make it more interesting for my backers" or something like that.

Who would send papers, birth, marriage and death certificates…photos of grandparents from the man who abused you.  What is/was she thinking.

I have yet to recieve a note, from a mother.  I have seen plenty of proof of her undying love for him….and her words are absent any actions of love towards me.

The difference between us, Is that I am not asking her to accept my faults and failures, I am working like hell to correct and change….

This is the crux of it all. That the victims are to accept the faults and failures and continue on in the relationship; making adjustments for their shortcomings, accepting that they 'can't do no better'….and will not even try or feel they must.

And, my refusal to accept makes me a bad person.

It is my bad.

Not her bad.

Oh the dance of insanity in the beliefs of those who fail to see…

This is how I perceive my mother…..a forrest with a sign "Keep Out" all of your truths.