I M Perfect lady

"Art is both therapy and tragedy. Somewhere in the mix lies hope for humanity. That is the foundation of our work … the intangible hope that pulls us toward some horizon we spend every day trying to explain, knowing that the landscape will change when we wake. Everything else occupies the space of comfortable distractions. We hope to never be comfortable."

~LoLa Visuals and 5th Estate Films

I found this on David Cowardin's business page….Lola Visuals.  No wonder he is the one to take my story.

Being uncomfortable is something hard to get used to.  Putting myself in new situations; like being filmed.

Well, being filmed would not be bad… it is discerning. 

Most worry about what they look like…hair, size and overall physical presentation.

Instead my concern is how I sound.  

Not my voices tone, but its content.

And it isn't the value of the message or its worth, but how it will be received.

I know I have a unique story; my art stems from therapy in tragedy.

It has been the balm that re-balances my life.

Soothing my rattled nerves.

I only had about a 3 day window from being asked to be part of this project "Call Me Mental", to sitting in a chair…facing the camera, and sharing Me.

My body has been clanging inside…the mixture of wild exhilaration of sharing my story, my art and my hope…only to be bracing for the onslought of redicule from my family of origin.

I am out of my comfort zone again.

The zone where you don't make waves.

When I am asked to be part of something that will help others, I say yes. 

My Lady leads the way; I follow.

I follow knowing the cost to my personal life and its affect upon my body.

Inside of me are two extreme opposite energies or emotions.  Love and Fear.

Love of sharing hope and encouragement in breaking the silence and to stand in the truth of who you are…and the fear of doing so.

I feel such great kindness and care, honor and respect from David as we film.

I feel a mixture of trepidation and excitement to see my story and art on film.

And I am bracing for the haters…while excited to see if my story can help others.

I have to withstand the negative in order to help even one person feel less alone, less mental and more hopeful.

My family has not supported any of what I have done; for in order to share my message, the family's secrets are laid bare.

I get it.

I just don't know how we can break the stigma of being sexual abused and to flip the role of the victim carrying the responsibility, unless one of us stands up.

I stand up in front of the camera, knowing I will be blasted from behind.

While I am seen by strangers and new friends, as a hero, someone who "kicks ass"…"an incredible woman"…I am also seen as one who wrecks our family.

Who 'enjoys' the trashing the family in public.

One who doesn't care about family…for I willingly throw ours under the bus.

I willingly offer our dysfunction to be dissected by the public.

Is there any other way to break the silence without breaking the silence?

I also will second my brother's invite, "Speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Challenge me.

Correct me where I am wrong.

Step forth and show the public how mental I am!

Sit where I have sat and bear your soul.

Share what you have to teach, your message of hope and healing…your experience of being a child of a pedophile; the mic is open.

It is Open Mic on "Call Me Mental".