I M Perfect lady

From my Brother Carl's Facebook page…And this quote Dr. Brene Brown say's in this piece is for you:

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

This quote means more to me today, than it did even one short week ago…while I awaited the photojournalist to appear with all his gear to set the stage for my voice to echo beyond my blog and local town.

I am daring greatly.  I am in the arena trying to articulate the cause and affects of what we call mental illness in regards to the sexually abused.

Some will shout TMI; too much information.

And I say, the only reason I am on camera is for the lack of information that has been presented and discussed and acted on from my childhood up to today.  There is a lack of information for those who are abused.

What is the churches message and where do folks like me go…where is their information?  

Same goes for family.

IF I am displaying family secrets, that means this information has been lacking.  I didn't have too much information as a child of sexual abuse, but rather the total lack of information of who is who and who is doing what to whom.

I am daring to show the totality of what has been lacking.  

It isn't what I knew that had me out of sorts with reality; but what I did not know.

I am hoping that by sharing my story, others will know.

This is the arena of knowledge; of what is.  I am attempting to show the landscape as I experienced it and how it appears today. 

Can there really be Too Much Information in regards to sexual abuse of children?  And, who wants this kept silent? Who doesn't want me to speak out loud?

I am once again pushed back by the silence of many, as I entered into this arena.  

Those who know, but who do not cheer.  

Do they hear my words? Will they see my images? What stops them from even virtually joining me with a "Like" on facebook.

I wonder why?

Is it me?

Is it the topic?

What keeps them silent again…another generation, new friends…not applauding the adult/child of abuse.  Who would they cheer for and which arena will they sit in?

I appreciate those cheering me on,immensly!  It almost appears you have to be brave in order to be with me.  This seems so odd…like why is it bad to stand by me?

This experience has given me a rapid review of how a child who is abused IS treated.

We know who you are by how you respond.

I know who hears me.

I know who is silent.

I know a child feels this too.

It makes those who are in this arena with me mean more. Thank you for not making me stand alone…soul bared…truth showing.

Vulnerable…is when you hide nothing, knowing some will turn away.

What is odd.  Years ago when the story broke, they were silent then, and some appologized years later.  We formed a tenuous loose friendship.  

It isn't that they didn't know.  It is that they are unable to stand by me.

This is the stigma…that we somehow are made to carry.  We are treated like a disgrace; so we internalize it.

I wish I could make it about me…this time.

But, this time I am handing the disgrace back to you.