I M Perfect lady

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul"  Brigitte Nicole

I was stunned when I discovered that it appears that I am stuck, since I have written about sexual abuse for 10 years, that I have not moved on.  I have flopped around and wallowed or waded into the very center of being sexually abused by my father.  I have felt and prodded myself deeper and into each and every crevice of darkness and feelings of utter terror.  I have been excavating my wound for unexpressed emotions…and sought out thoughts that insulted my soul.  

I have bent and twisted myself while learning new ways to respond to life.  I have said words to family members that broke my heart, in order to change the inbred patterns of abuse.

I have lost family and friends to stand against abuse.

I have dissected my childhood religion and its practices and separated from that.

I died as one person and grieved her…as I struggled to find a new pathway that honored my soul…simultaneously.

The breath and depth of my accomplishments blow my mind and thrill my soul.

I walked away from family.

Just sit with that awhile, please!

I have disengaged from their lives in order to honor a truth I felt deep inside. I made a vow to myself to stand with my wounded child; and have never left her side.

EVEN when it meant I would be shunned and ridiculed and demeaned…when distanced and left alone with my pain.  Or worse when family added to it.

Try doing this…even once.

Perhaps this is my third deep wound.  And, I suppose I could drop "Perhaps".

My father abused me.

I told my mother and nothing happened.

I spoke the truth to my family and they turned away.

1, 2, 3….

My words, my feelings, my endless exploring and re-visiting the consequences of being abused…didn't interest them.  They 'moved on'.

Moved where?

They are still doing that which they were doing when the news hit…but, perhaps more of it.

Nothing changed. 

They still turn a blind eye and deaf ear to abuse.

Abuse that is Me.

Not abused, but abuse.

It is as if I am responsible for the abuse.

I can't think of another tragedy that would turn family against you.

This is where the deepest hurts live.

Where you are asked to let go of what hurts your heart and soul….and it is your heart and soul; family.

Leave them behind in order to save yourself.

And while you are trying to save yourself, the family will rip you apart.

I know, they say I am cold, bitter, and unforgiving. That I have wallowed in the past, refusing to let go.

Really?

Who let go?

Have you walked away from our parents….or have you stood by their side and spoken for them…even upon their death, what have you done?

How can being with them, be letting go and moving on.  No, you haven't budged…but have drawn closer.  

Oh, I guess you have let go.

You let go of me.

I felt it.

I felt each and every eye that turned away.

Every hand that let go.

Every voice that is silent.

My little girl inside has felt it all.  She has withstood the volume and depth of what she lost.  Those she cared for…in her time of need….were standing next to the ones who hurt her.  And, in turn that hurt….again.

I get it.

I also get…why you can't let go.

I used to be there too. Holding on to what, I then thought, was love.

Also, about forgiving and forgetting.

It has been hard.  I have forgiven, in the sense of accepting that the past can be no different….accepting that each of you can't be different.  Accepting that I had to let go….or die.

The little girl inside of me….was barely there, when the truth arrived.  A small weak, unsure, unsteady voice…"It is true….dad abused me too."

That one belief….expressed out loud, changed my world.

Regardless of your support or the lack thereof….my little girl grew with me by her side. 

Yes, I let go.  I let go of your needs and your wishes and grabbed on to mine.

I know many have seen me as selfish and self serving and trying to lap up attention by being so outspoken….etc.  

What they can't see is me loving me.

Me finding me broken and accepting her as she was.

Me walking with her in stilted and unsure ways.

Me daring to speak out loud in public about my wounds and saying how I left those who hurt me.  How I lived in denial for 46 years and the things I did there.  I have shared all of me….

And I am finding folks who don't turn away…

or turn a blind eye

or deaf ear

They see me, my wounds and all.

Some may think I left the family for the 'spotlight'.

No, the family left me…when I shown the light.

As I shine the light…family moves away.  Away from Me.

This is the true marker of an abusive family.

Ignoring the wounded child.

As the saying goes. "Hurt people, hurt people".

The only way you can end abuse, is to move away from folks who hurt your heart and soul.

 

"Forgive them, they know not what they do…"