Another Part of Me!

In recovering from Sexual Abuse, we go back to our past to heal, feel, and to understand what we didn't see or record…We don't go back to "Fix" or "Change the Past".  It is a journey to reclaim our power and right our abused mind.

It is not wallowing in the past, in a wishful state or lamenting about things and wanting them different.  It is the complete opposite of what you may believe.

It is to go and revisit our past childhood wounds, but with an adult mind.

To feel the emotions that were beyond what a child could express.

Bringing words and wisdom…as well as eyes that now have the courage to see.

We are stripping our layers of denial and subterfuge…willing to walk naked in the truth, in order to reclaim our birthright; peace, love and joy!

It is messy and soul wrenching.

Tragically beautiful.

I do not know a more beautiful journey than to going back in time to restore my wounded child.

To hold her hand and open my heart to all her sorrow.

In denial I was a woman who did not have access to all the wild beats of my heart, nor was I connected to my authentic self.

The journey of time….the past 10 years and counting, have been the most beautiful and sorrowful, magical and synchronistic,  heartbreaking and heart healing, an incredible birthing of Me.

Words can't describe it adequately.

It is the complete opposite of what those who haven't journeyed here believe.

I am not sitting with the wounded one, "in hopes of a different childhood" or for that matter a different life.

I am sitting with her learn to be a different me.

The wounded self was a survival child, she and her body did what it had to do to survive an incestuous home.

Who we have become is a woman who will no longer set aside her truth for the comfort of others.

We, my child and I, walk together in search of aspects of myself that I gave away.

Bits and pieces of me that for a multitude of reasons…we weren't truthful about.

Not truthful to me….and not truthful with others.

Each reclaiming part has created a stronger more empowered self.

Ten years and counting to re-build and re-claim what was damaged.

I am willing to do another 10, if that's what it takes.

I am unwilling to leave any part of me behind.

I want to be fully myself.

The journey inward isn't all for naught.

It isn't to change things….it is to un-change.

It is to undo denial.

Undo the self that didn't see.

Undo the self that didn't hear.

Undo the self that didn't feel.

Undo the self that didn't express.

Undo the self that didn't speak.

It is to unlock and engage the child, who gets stuck and frozen with abuse…and slowly get her to say and do and feel and express…Her truth.

To take a child too afraid to talk about her abuse….and get her to share.

To take a child too afraid to feel the depths of sorrow….and let her feel.

It's a sacred journey of the soul.

It wasn't to change or fix the PAST, it is to change and fix Me.

I can feel.

I can see.

I can hear….all the truths of me.

I can feel the emotions of joy and sorrow, of terror and love, and I am willing to be with all of me.  I don't push away the dark emotions, for they are signals in my life. 

Without going back to my past…I would not have recovered Me.

I would still be that adult child too afraid to talk and share and feel All of Me.

By going back I unlocked myself to be myself.

I am free to be me.

To make different choices and have a new voice.

I went back to have a different future and to leave a different legacy.

My limb on the family tree appears different.

How grateful am I!

I am not airing the dirty laundry of the past…I am airing out the Art of Me.

Here I am…

On full display….the dark and the light.

There is no part of me, I am not willing to see.

Or feel 

or hear.

I am now and forever, willing to go back to my past to reclaim another part of me.