I M Perfect lady

I have been writing on this blog for 7 years. 

It is hard to believe what has transpired in that time; the changes within me….my feelings and my mind.

A feeling of panic, and blushing shame that would often accompany some postings…when I dared to express my truth.  Mostly for the repercussions of being different.

A grown woman, feeling young and vulnerable, as she explored her inner landscape of dysfunction and abuse….as she attempted to find peace, love and joy….and herself.

The journey of growing up mentally and emotionally while being an adult.

Sharing the ramifications of following my truth and its consequences on relationships where truth isn't accepted when it comes to exposing abuse.

It is quite a remarkable experience to wake up and see what you have denied, and then see how differently you are treated by those who want to remain unmoved in your old denial.

Denial is hard to articulate and comprehend, for it is so obvious to those who have always seen.  Those, who have never had to live outside of their reality. But, it is tragically brilliant to see  the truth for the first time….even though it was always there.

I never understood, or fully appreciated, the strength of the mind and its thoughts and beliefs, until mine all crashed. That it could literally build a world that didn't exist and I lived there.

I just downloaded a book, that my brother's blog (http://messyguru.typepad.com) referred to "Room" by Emma Donoghue…where the concept is equal to denial. To be raised to view the world a certain way.  

When I try and recollect my old mind and the way it saw the world, I can't grasp it; for its basis wasn't anchored in the truth and/or reality in any way.  It was an overlay removed from the harsh realities of abuse.

What often overwhelms me are the volumes of people who are living there.

If truth isn't part of your world…you live in denial.

Denying reality/truth IS denial.

Often I hear of platitudes and wimpy excuses why the truth is better off un-lived. And, more often when will I reconnect or make peace with my family of origin.

What most fail to consider is what they truly want is for me to slip back into denial.

Denying my truth and who I am.

The line of discontent between my family and I, is that we fail to see the world through the same lens. 

"We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

I love this idea…that truth allows us to grow.

It takes great courage to bring truth into your world; but the rewards are limitless.

I believe we get left at the age we were when we had to hide the truth.

If you are abused and can't speak of it, you may grow in body size; but inside we are left emotionally and psychologically a child.

Which is why it creates great fear to dance with the truth…and leave denial.

Looking back over the past 11 years, I am in wonder and awe at who I was, as well as, who I am today.

The two lives could not be more different.

The two of Me, more distant.

The most I can say about the old me, is that she was all about the outside world.  Her actions were to keep the story going…not even knowing it was just a story…and not the truth.  Her connection to herself was seen and felt from the way others looked at her. Their opinion created who she was.

The new me, is all about the inside of me.

My soul.

Who I am without the world's opinion.

Who I am to me.

I will not ever, be untrue to me, for it truly doesn't serve anyone.

I love who I have grown to be and my becoming continues each time I welcome the truth, no matter what the message it brings.

Once you have felt the power of truthful living, you cannot settle for artificial.

I would rather have the honesty of estrangement than a pretend friendship.

An honest estrangement ,makes an honest Me.

"She realized she was the only self she could be—and not being unapologetically true to herself was a disservice to her soul and the world." Elephant Journal article…"She Was Done"