I M Perfect lady

My head is fairly quiet, the loud voices have all but been silenced.  They didn't suddenly all shut up, but I found, that the more my life aligned with my feelings, the less noisy my head became.

I wonder about the conception of the voices, where did they arise from?

Are they us questioning ourselves, or are they an echo from someone in our lives.

In the past my mother's voice was the loudest, deafening out my own quiet knowing.

The beliefs and words of the church scrambled to be heard as well.

My fears were loud and unreasonable.

And, the wishes and hopes for things to be different often grabbed the microphone.

All of them shouting and clamoring for attention, in my mind.

Each time a situation happened, a crowd of voices began shouting.

It was as if I had no vote in the matter.  

I only was able to choose who I listened to.

Whose direction would I follow.

I was a puppet, with many puppet masters.

And, it is no wonder that I felt like a chameleon. I changed depending upon whose voice I was following. I never could hold a steady course for me.

However, once I began making choices based on my feelings, and not the voices in my head, I began to slowly redefine me. Or actually define me.  It was the Me for the first time.

I wasn't listening or pleasing the outside. I was acting from what I felt inside.

I believe, when the voices were being neglected, they grew silent. They knew I no longer believed them wholeheartedly.

Often, I literally would have to write down what the voices wanted, against what I wanted to do.  And, I would go into detail and how it would make me feel to do what they wanted compared to what I wanted.  I then could make a choice based on my feelings.

If it brought me peace, love or joy – that is the way I headed.

What is so shocking, but not, is how often the voices were dead wrong.

It was what the outside wanted me to do, but it wasn't healthy or peaceful for me.

There was a cost to me to follow the voice.

Perhaps it would be pleasing to the outside, my mother, or sister or friend. But the voice that echoed their needs, often left me not honoring my true feelings.

It was a simple process and it resembled guilt.

The voice would say, "YOU should go, do, be….etc. And, the discussion began.

I challenged each should of, would of, could of.

No matter who I would disappoint, I was willing to, in order to rescue my life from the voices in my head.

To become peaceful inside.

It was quite shocking how little control I had of my life, and my body.

Each time a stressful thought spoke up, I immediately was alert and aware. And, I challenged it with great respect and honor. I truly wanted to know the truth.

Many of the voices were even subconscious.

A belief buried deep.

They would be found, when I couldn't take an action, but didn't know why.

Or, I felt out of control, but I didn't know why.

Each time, I would put pencil to paper and write until I discovered the truth.

And, each time I uncovered the source of why I was out of control, I could see how I grew to be this way, and often, I then could respond differently.

Now, my head is quiet.

I wrote for at least 4 years into notebooks, and then I began this blog.  I wrote to find me, what I felt, and often, when something outside wanted me to be different.

I wrote to find my reality.

I am only at peace there.

If I am uneasy and unsure, I can know I have left the here and now, and slipped into believing the voices in my head.

Worry is a voice.

Anxiety is a voice.

Fear is a voice.

Rarely do we have positive cheerleaders in our minds.

My cheerleaders only cheered AFTER I successfully overran a voice.

Only after I decided, and then acted on my own.

And, I believe the cheerleaders voice come from the heart.

From the inner sanctuary of you.

The voice of the little girl, is what I heard first.

My little girl self, that needed to be listened to.

Her voice was little and timid at first and her cheers felt deeply.

Eventually she grew stronger, louder and more defined, as I began making more and more choices that reflected her needs.

My needs were grounded, as I said in reality. They needed, truth, integrity, actions, and whose outcome gave love to my self.

Some, still may say this is the recipe for being selfish.

But, it it literally is a loving relationship with self.

You cannot love yourself if you hurt yourself by pleasing another.

And just so you know, rarely as I changed, were there cheers from those I was placing boundaries. Instead, it was as if they grew stronger, to make sure my boundary was tough, secure and steady.

Testing to see where the line was drawn.

Most often the voice I now here is me.  A dream of an adventure, the nudge to try something new, curiosity and eagerness to explore more of life. Free from the prison of voices.