I M Perfect lady

It's been 10 years since I began blogging, but I had written in journals for 4 years prior to that.  

Writing out my life's questions and troubling thoughts has been so life changing for me. It has allowed me to see me in a way I wouldn't otherwise.  

I found it is pretty hard to lie to yourself, and blog.

When I began writing about my life in journals, it was to find the truth.  I had lived my whole life previous, a few steps away from it.

Denial isn't so much about denying reality, but rather denying your feelings.

In the writing, I connected with my thoughts and feelings.

Julia Cameron was my first introduction to writing. She suggests "Morning Pages", where you write 3 pages each morning. You write to just get your thoughts on paper.

I had just begun her book "The Artist Way" when I discovered my own sexual abuse.

The paper was my lifeline to truth.

I went nowhere without pencils and a notebook.

The conversations become real in writing. Often by the third page, the answer would appear; an affirmation, a knowing or an otherwise unknown idea.

My writing was for me, first and foremost. It was my guide, which seems quite insane, for it is me holding the pencil.

Writing and the blank white page became my best friend. It was always there, always willing to hear anything. Non-Judgmental or impatient.

When something bothers me, running around in my head and disrupting my peaceful space, I write.

I talk to it, explore why it is upsetting me. What it is trying to tell me about me.

For, anytime I am upset, there is something in me that believes a lie.

They are not earth shattering lies, but little ones that pile up that create a stressful life.

I try and catch them as they land.

They are simple, and often none of my business.

Lies that I am in control of another's choice.

Lies that takes me out of my business and places me in the middle of someone else's life, where I wasn't even invited.

Life is fairly simple if you stay in your own lane.

And it is a full time job to do your own business.

There is more than enough to keep your attention if you are aware.

Your emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, wishes, intentions, goals, desires, and how you yourself connect with them and the world around you.

Mostly, I am delighted to know that I am not responsible for anyone. For so many years, I believed I was. It was a heavy burden to bear, especially when they never seemed to do what I thought was right for them, or better or kinder or loving.

Now, I can just do what is right and loving for me.

The wide expanse inside of me feels the space they left open just for me.

A whole field to breathe in.

I know living a full life will mean pain and sorrow. I have felt the deepest dark and the most life sucking darkness.  I have also felt the extreme delights in the simplest places.

Life and all its glory is open to be fully felt. 

I love my body, my mind and my life.

The sheer beauty of its unique nature.

How brilliant it is within the truth of what is.

Just like in art, the dark and the light make it beautiful. I would give nothing for my journey today.

There is no part I could have skipped. Each part made me who I am today.