I M Perfect lady

When words are said to me, that are intended to hurt, it takes time to assimilate them in and then out, of my space.

The words themselves were not shocking.

The author of them was.

The texting volley was so unlike him or the man I used to know.

It said way more about him, than anything he intended me to feel.

It takes time for me to re-adjust the truth of him.

 

"People show you who they are believe them" Dr. Maya Angelou

 

My greatest teacher is my mother.  

I have challenged myself to be her opposite.

So, it is an easy arrow to sling towards me to say that I am like her in various ways. He wanted me to feel like a failure.

However his words did not feel true to who I am today. 

I am living with the proof of my experience.

I am not standing with my mother.

The list is very long of where her and I differ.

 

What we put out in the world, is what comes back to us.

You simply cannot escape the consequences of what you give.

We are all in charge of the energy we bring.

What goes out, comes back; it is the laws of the Universe.

 

There have been times, when I look back and wished I had just been an asshole, for it seemed my attention and interactions were all for naught. 

I have to remind myself, how they respond to me, isn't mine to control. I am only responsible for what, I too, hand out. 

The years I spent in a close sibling relationship with my brother I wasn't an asshole. I gave to him my authenticity in the kindest way I knew how.

I can't even regret our last conversations where he felt abused. I gave, even then, my authenticity of being me. He and I challenged our truths as we worked together. 

I didn't change the tune of our music together, but something changed.

 

In his last few texts, he seemed a stranger I once knew.

 

I have been challenged, that I don't like to engage when I am in the wrong.

Again, my experience shows this is untrue.

My first 46 years I lived wrong.

I lived appeasing others and silencing my truth, in order to be part of a family.

Me standing on the outside of family, is once again proof of righting my wrongs.

 

"How's that working for you" was another barb that was intended for me.  Suggesting I was again failing at this 'new way of being Me'. 

The last 14 years have been unlike the first 46.  

I have been gifted with insights, truths, awareness, sorrows, heartache, and brilliant understanding of me, my trauma and its effects. I have been given the opportunity of another lifetime. To be a woman, I didn't even know existed.  To not have to become my mother.

All the experiences, disappointments and exiting relationships, and speaking my truth, even if my legs were shaking, of knowing each time it came to the point of speaking or being silent, that I spoke and lost another friend/sibling – all these were creating me into a woman of substance, a character I am proud of.

Becoming me wasn't an easy journey, but one that I would do again, it is working for me, but not so well for those who need me to be silent and away from my integrity.

Once I am on a rant, I will also say, that I was blamed for being one of the first victims of my father and for not speaking out. I was blamed for being silent.  Then, I had a second chance to speak out and I did. I stood this time on the side of the victim. For my silence was for the abuser's peace. I had a second chance to be unlike my first 46 years, and still this isn't accepted with kindness.

What I believe, is that no matter how I lived, I would be a disappointment and seen as a failure.  Can you truly live to satisfy another?

What I am most grateful for is that I was granted the awareness and strong constitution to follow my own inner truth, even if, and especially when, it meant disappointing someone else.

Each time I was building the scaffolding that held me up, until I had a strong enough core to be a free standing Me.

To be the woman I needed my mother to be.

I mothered myself by being a person I could count on.

A person I trusted enough to always follow her truths.

 

At the end of the day, we all lay our heads down, and we lay with our hearts. We live with the consequences of our choices. I am at peace with who I am becoming.