I M Perfect lady

Social Niceties

"The winter solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the sun and is believed to hold a powerful energy for regeneration, renewal and self-reflection."  According to Forever Conscious

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It is the time of year for powerful energy of self-reflection and renew and regeneration.

I looked up "Renewal" and found – "the replacing or repair of something that is worn out, run-down, or broken."

And, I am wondering what in my life is worn out, run down or even broken?  What needs to be replaced with something that works?

So, I then looked up "Regeneration" – "is the process of renewal, restoration, and growth that makes genomes, cells, organisms, and ecosystems resilient to natural fluctuations or events that cause disturbance or damage. Every species is capable of regeneration, from bacteria to humans."

Regeneration happens; naturally.

To be fair, I looked up "Self- Reflection" – "Meditation or serious thought about one's character, actions and motives."

Which leaves us to ponder what needs renewal  - which parts of our character, actions and motives reflect our truths, and then which ones can we let go of.

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December is always a month where it seems my family of origin come in.  Typically in a friendly fashion, breaking the silence – perhaps a birthday wish, or christmas card etc.
 
This always seems odd to me.
 
For our relationship is estranged, severed, and pretty non-existent.  And in pops a normal seeming exchange.
 
I was feeling anxious about it.  And, I pondered the root cause or why this felt so threatening, while it appears so benign.
 
What I learned about conflict in my childhood home, was that something would happen, someone's feelings were hurt, and instead of talking about it, silence would ensue.  The silence often stretched longer, if the hurt was deeper, until enough space passed, and then life returned to 'normal'.
 
A wound was left in the middle of the relationship. A hurt that was never acknowledged on either side. Silence, and not talking took the place of resolving issues. 
 
My mother left me many times, abruptly on a weekend, to 'run away' – leaving me in charge of the house and however many kids were still home.  And, on Monday Morning, she would not tell me where she went or why, but appeared all chipper "Rise and Shine everybody" would echo up the stairway.  
 
Her respite from her life was successful, at the cost of my weekend plans.
 
The pattern of no discussion and hurtful feelings going unnoticed etc, and then time passing and all is back to normal, without any type of sorting things out, leaves me cautious of family that now pops in.
 
I no longer will leave the wound undiscussed. 
 
The estrangement wasn't easily navigated.
 
So, as this Solstice of self-reflection arises, I am sitting with some family entering into my life and what this means.
 
It feels disingenuous to me to let our wound and estrangement not be spoken about. To just begin again, from here. 
 
The potholes of my childhood wounds that went undiscussed, left me handicapped and stunted.  I didn't just move on complete; but was filled with emotional scars and psychological deficits.  
 
I am sitting with my inability to let bygones be bygones without discussing and reconnecting, as part of who I am now.  
 
I am trying to discern within me, what is just letting 'social niceties' happen, and when it feels like the patterns of old?
 
It appears that their casual interjections into my world are just that, casual.  
 
Yet it feels more passive aggressive to me in the face of the years of silence.
 
Mostly I have to sit with what do I do with casual social niceties.
 
What is the cost or toll, to my world, and who I am?
 
 
I get confused, when an estranged relationship has social niceties.
 
Which is my whole childhood. Things not appearing as they were.
 
Where a dad is an abuser.
 
It feels like the messy relationships are appearing nice.
 
I can't imagine living in a world like this as a child. Where things appear one way, but are really another way.  The shifting landscape of dysfunction, not knowing what is truth and what is fiction.
 
Happy 2019 Solstice.  
 
My self-reflection includes my estrangement.  My renewal looks at where I am today and how, or if I would, change my actions/choices.  And, what is my response with family's social niceties.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

Published by

bjukuri

Responses

  1. Judy Avatar
    Judy

    I think you handle it all as well as one possibly could when you have people who refuse to acknowledge and ask forgiveness for the abuse and neglect – yes neglect. There was emotional neglect in ignoring the hurt and not providing safety for the children … emotional neglect causes a depth of pain and suffering that most are unaware of . For people to go on and expect you to ignore that and pretend all is well – is unreasonable- even neglectful in itself. They are still doing the same thing!!!! I hope you can embrace the expanding and beautiful immediate family you have- where you and Paul have built a firm foundation— the adorable grands- the honesty and sincerity of a family that cherishes truth, honesty, care for one another… the multitude of loyal friends who admire and adore you…. and the new traditions that are real… true… honest … and overflow with joy this Christmas and always. God bless you and yours…

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  2. Ann Avatar
    Ann

    So well said, Judy. Beth, you are correct to back away from niceties that bounce you back to times and places where neglect and abuse surrounded you. No resolution–just time wearing the original offense away—I so understand that experience.
    Your reactions to December contacts from your family are understandable. You are still waiting for some discussion related to fact and resolution based on those discussions. In the process of your waiting, you are painted as unreasonable and rigid—a woman who dwells on the negatives of the past while tossing aside the possibilities of renewed family connections for the future. You are further painted as judgemental and unforgiving by those who were responsible for the neglect and looked away at the abuse.
    Focus on who you are now and the rough path you followed to get here. Relish each wonderful experience with the family you and Paul have and your family of chosen sisters. Live life in that place where the sun comes and goes but you always make the most of it when it appears!

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  3. I M Perfect Avatar
    I M Perfect

    Thanks Judy. It helps to write it out, to see it on the white page. How it does appear to be the same pattern. And, when more and more time goes by, it does often seem that I am being foolish and pigheaded, that I can’t just pick up and begin again.
    I am very grateful that 99.9% of the time, I am left alone and have a good life, great family and friends I spend time with. May you to have an overflowing Joy this Christmas.
    Thanks for being you,

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  4. I M Perfect Avatar
    I M Perfect

    Ann, as I said to Judy, I had to write it out and to find out that the pattern appears to be there still. And, that I am right in feeling the guarded to their kindness now. And, I am very grateful that I have a wonderful life 99.9% of the time. And, writing helps me sort out reality. I feel less anxious knowing what is what.
    thanks for being you,

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