I M Perfect lady

I did nothing.

I used to have a weird goal, to get to a place of nothing. To get everything done, so I could then do nothing. Doing nothing seemed to be a heaven of sorts, an idea of just being. Not in the spiritual sense of Being – but rather in a place of nothing nothing.

In the land of nothing – there would be no demands, nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be with with. Just doing nothing.

This place or idea feels almost addictive.

There is an un-natural thirst for doing nothing.

What a waste of time in this space.

What a waste of life.

And, of course nothing happens there.

No new experiences, or connections or growth.

A place of sitting in time.

I am not sure if others have this pull or idea.

And, I am not sure where mine came from.

A busy life in childhood.

Perhaps too much responsibility.

Or is nothing an escape from participating in life.

Getting to a place and doing nothing, seems like a very un-living life kinda place.

I am feeling like I arrived at this place of nothing, exhausted.

What seems so counter intuitive to life, is to do nothing with the life you have.

I wonder if mostly the exhaustion was not being able to say no. Not being able to live my own life, that I wanted life to just stop and be nothing. A land where I wasn't expected to do anything.

I just feel that I wasted many hours and days of my life in this place of nothing.

Hours that could have been used to do what I love.

However, many years ago – there were not parts of my life I used for me.

And, I would not have been able to tell you what I loved to do.

I just was living on a programmed setting – with very little of life for me.

Now, when space opens up, I have so much to choose from.

I don't feel like I have to fill up the hours; but rather what do I get to do with them?

How do I want to spend this time?

What joy or happiness do I want to experience.

How do I want to be in nature – on a bike, a hike or in a kayak – with friends or alone?

I just feel that it was a false sense of heaven to want to get to "Do Nothing".

Another thing that has happened, is that the more I do for the love of it, the less I want to do of mundane chores that won't matter in the end. House cleaning has dropped significantly as the love of being outdoors has increased.

I used to care – way too much – about how my house looked.

It used to regulate how I felt – whether I was at peace or calm. And to be honest I felt I judged myself by how it looked – or didn't look. I do care; but just not that much.

I guess, in a perfect world, I would have time to clean and play.

But working full time – 6 days a week, there are just so many hours in a day.

And, when the decision arises of what I want to do with this block of time – I lean way more on doing something fun outside.

Doing nothing – used to feel like I was cheating life. Like I would steal time to just do nothing. When in all actuality it was stealing my life – hours at a time.

So, as I type – I could clean or I could go for a bike ride and 'clean later' which has been my summer mantra.

What I will not do is- nothing.

Even scrolling on the internet – leans too close to nothing.

I need to limit my time more stringently on it.

I believe, if we live long enough, we may get to the space, where nothing is the only choice.

Until then – I will choose wisely how I spend my time.

I want to look back on my life and see all the fun, interesting, exciting, delightful, delicious, learning experiences I have had – and with so many different fun people. I don't want look back and see spaces of space where I did nothing.

Examples of an Imperfect woman

Published by

bjukuri

Responses

Judy

September 1, 2020 at 4:55 pm

I , also , wasted way too much time trying to be” perfect. “ I cleaned obsessively, always had fresh bakery , demanded too much of myself, our kids , everyone -and ran and ran and ran… Isn’t it wonderful to realize that imperfect… is fine and wonderful and joyful. It is so…. freeing! I think we who grew up in chaos… strived the hardest for complete order- this exhausted us … because there is no such thing as perfection in joy, in art, in life. Beth, we are free to do well… but also to embrace the joy in the imperfections , the joy in the simplistic, the joy in just being.

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Amy in Calumet

September 1, 2020 at 6:40 pm

It’s an interesting thought – “doing nothing.” I say this a lot too.
However, what I really mean is that I want unstructured time. My life is very structured and organized (by choice and temperament, I’m an INTJ on the Myers-Briggs scale) but when I overdo it I just want time that is not structured in which I can do whatever pleases me: if it’s time outside, or time reading, or time sitting out at the lake just staring into space and thinking.
Judy, I so relate to your comment about growing up in chaos and needing control!
I’m a recovering perfectionist, glad to have found your blog!

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I M Perfect

September 2, 2020 at 5:28 am

Thanks Judy, I do agree we strived for complete order – when chaos was much of what we had. And, then I guess we felt we would have order if everything was IN order.
I appreciate your thoughts.

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I M Perfect

September 2, 2020 at 5:33 am

Thanks Amy for your thoughts. I can see how unstructured time is a good thing. Yet you are filling it. Not just wanting to do nothing; but something with free time. Good for you.
And good for letting go of perfection. I believe that idea has stolen way too many enjoyable lives.
And, stopped many from trying new things or enjoying doing something “because it wasn’t good enough’.

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Ann

September 2, 2020 at 10:17 am

Such a great insight, Beth. Yes, when I was a kid, I longed to “do nothing.” But, now, I realize what I really longed for was the luxury of doing what I wanted to do —not what was demanded of me. There is a huge difference in these things but I did not see it at the time. Anytime I sat down with a book, my mother was quick to say, “If you have time to read, I can find something (a task) for you to do.” I grew to see time to read and do other relaxing things as something not acceptable in the light of day—I would sneak off to read. So odd not being pleased and proud of an activity which gave me so much pleasure. Then, as I got older, the concept of not doing anything fun or relaxing until “everything else was done” came into play. Now, I play first. Kind of like the eat dessert first concept!!!!!!!!

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Joanie

September 3, 2020 at 8:21 am

Such a simple concept, but not so easy to incorporate…wasting time, down time, whatever we call it. It does seem to stem from our childhood indoctrination. My mom’s overwhelming tasks every single day was apparent…8 children to care for, feed, laundry, etc. As Ann stated in her post, reading was an escape that I enjoyed, too and spent time in my bedroom even during the summer, hiding away from my real life. The illusion and expectation to do anything new correctly or with ease…that was a prohibitive force in my life….therefore, just don’t try something new so you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable or fail, instead of just exploring a new adventure or to just satisfy my curiosity as children should be encouraged to do. What I learned instead was a distaste and fear of the unknown in front others and to accept discouragement instead of the acceptance of trial and error. I, too, wasted a lot of time that could have been spent on positive exploration and understanding what was in line with me rather than other’s approval. So
good to share these thoughts and feelings with others. Joanie

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I M Perfect

September 14, 2020 at 4:56 pm

Ann, I hear you. This is how we began to separate ourselves from what we love to do – and we had no choice, we were kids – following the rules. And, in a large family there was plenty to always do.
I love the idea of doing what we love – first – and then doing what sorta needs to be done.
I am getting much better at playing first.
Good for us!

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I M Perfect

September 14, 2020 at 4:59 pm

Wow, that is so true too Joan, where we were set up to fear the new experiences and to embrace being a beginner – and being okay to start not knowing – but willing to learn.
This is another huge part of us not living life – fully and finding joy in new things.
I hope you try something new this year!

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