I M Perfect lady

Today I sit with the date December 4th and how 18 years ago I began my journey of leaving my family and church.  

I discovered I was brainwashed and how my perception of reality was gravely affected by abuse and a cult-like religion. 

I marvel at what I survived, and more, who I have become.

Those early years are imprinted upon my soul.

The depth of pain my heart suffered – leaves me breathless.

But what catches my breath even more – is how I was able to walk forward with so much loss and gather into me, love peace and joy.

I don't believe I even dared to dream of the beauty that is my life now.

The pattern I was hoping I was creating – was a design that was unknown to me.

It grew choice by choice – with a shaky weak voice – that grew in volume.

Bold choice gathered bolder ones.

My life has such depth and breadth.

The early years were the hardest – to get the pattern started.

It was foreign and I was a stranger to myself.

Hoping for a better life for the generations who would follow me, I blindly set forth to create something from the ashes of my past.

First though, I had do it for me.

I had to know what love was, how peace felt and to experience joy.

I learned love by mothering the little girl inside of me.

When she was calm – it was my peace.

We learned about joy.

Often these came after making a tough boundary.

I guess I would drop the Often.  

Creating boundaries literally changed my life and set in place a new pattern.

I have been building this pattern now for 18 years and I love the tapestry it has weaved together.  The way the dark moments bought me brilliant clarity. The very things I thought would break me – delivered to me strength and empowerment.

My journey is colorful and heart wrenching beautiful. Today I celebrate the brilliant pattern of complex simplicity of being truthfully me.

I have lived two life patterns.

One I was following the generations who came before me.

In the second, I took the road untraveled.

On the untraveled road I broke trail, I made mistakes, wrong turns and false starts. I felt lost, alone, vulnerable, scared, and often hopeless.  Turning back was never the answer.

I knew who followed me.

I also felt empowered, strong, connected to myself and the universal energy of love.

I grew to trust my instincts and to honor my feelings.

On the new untraveled road I discovered me.

I am very grateful and content to be who I am. I am okay on the untraveled road now.

I am used to being different.

I am okay estranged.

My family wounds are faint upon my heart.

My heart now holds so many new and wonderful experiences, loves and friendships.

I am no longer a stranger in a strange land.

Rather I feel at home on the untraveled road.