I M Perfect lady

 

I didn't fully understand the trauma response, until I witnessed the opposite of it.  

When I was a mother of young children, I didn't even have this language or the awareness that what I was doing had a name. And more, that it was possible to course correct.

 

Actually I didn't even know I was traumatized by having been sexually abused – and this crippled me to responding in healthy ways.

When a child of mine was out of control – I would rise higher. Speak louder – okay yell. 

I fought to gain control by becoming bigger, louder, more violent than the out of control child. Fighting fire with a larger fire.

 

This wasn't unusual behavior – I had witnessed my mother's rages – or her stone cold silences – both trauma responses.

Mothering with trauma responding – leaves a child without the loving kindness of a mother.

 

This is where the lack of love and warmness enters into my relationship with my mother.

She wasn't capable of giving loving responses.

 

And I mirrored her.

 

It wasn't until I broke free of my denial and addressed and dealt with my childhood wounds and mothered myself with loving responses – could I then feel and give love to my children.

 

The difference between a loving response and a trauma response is like breathing and not breathing. 

 

One the child feels seen and heard – and safe.  

 

I am not even sure I can correctly articulate the feelings of the opposite – even though I lived it as a child and also handed it out as a mother.

 

You don't know what you don't know.

 

I was unaware that I was unloving.

 

I know this sounds insane.

 

It wasn't until I loved myself – could I love my child – and know what love is.

 

I loved my wounded self.

This alone trumped the trauma response.

 

Or maybe it ended it.

 

Maybe you can't have a trauma response IF you love yourself.

 

I witnessed my daughter respond as a loving mom – not with the trauma response.

It was the opposite way from my old mothering ways.  I recognized her kindness – and how kind it was for her child.

 

This.

This is the legacy I was striving to change.

 

It wasn't easy for her – she is my child – she didn't experience this as a child.  

She was breaking the cycle.

What a great gift she is giving her small child. 

 

My ultimate hope was that I could end the cycle of abuse – by changing my own responses so many years ago.  That if I could do different – then generations after me – would be spared.

 

Choosing love to respond isn't always easy.  Often it is the harder choice.  The one that takes most effort and requires hard work.  

 

Whether trauma responds or love responds – both will have consequences – but only one will have positive influences upon the child.

 

Trauma responses wound a child.

 

I knew that my behaviors, my awareness – and even my denial and trauma responses – critically affected my children.  Once I became aware – and broke free of denial – all my choices were made with them in mind.

 

Once I saw – I couldn't unsee.

 

Each decision I made either would influence my legacy positively or negatively.  The generations behind me would reap what I sowed.

 

Seeing my daughter mother differently – shows the pattern changing.

It both was both exhilarating and sorrowful.

Knowing she had to also change the pattern in her world.

 

Perhaps the pattern I set in place – was that it was possible.

My legacy is that we can change the patterns we were born into.

All my sorrows and pain of being estranged has not all been for naught.

Seeing the generation below me have awareness and mother with love – was my end game.

My heart weeps knowing what was possible for me – is possible for generations after.

There is nothing sweeter than seeing the patterns changing into loving kindness.

The difference for a child – is knowing love.

 

The trauma response will still arise in me – but I now also have the choice of a loving response.  And, it is typically the harder choice to take.

Loving requires doing what honors you and the other – and truth.

 

I am just so grateful we have both choices alive in our family legacy.