I M Perfect lady

I just finished Kerry Washington's Memoir "Thicker than Water".  The main theme of the book is honesty – or perhaps the lack of it growing up.

 

In listening to her story, there were moments that helped explain me to – Me.

 

In families, and particularly in the relationships between parent and child – a child feels the space where the lies live.  We may not be able to articulate what is missing – but we more feel – what is not there.

Truth has a solid spaceless feeling.

 

In truth our body relaxes.

 

Lies leave us without anything to hold on to or feel secure with.

 

It explains so much about my lack of connection. It was like I was adrift – before I actually became estranged.

 

I wasn't able to love the space where lies lived.

And I blamed myself for not loving – for not feeling the closeness and warm feelings.

 

She wrote about how her mother, once the truths were spoken, was able to look deeply into her eyes.   

 

This.

 

I remember how hard it was to keep eye contact with my mother.  Both on her end and mine. I am sure this was normal in our home, the not looking looking.

 

Don't they say that eyes are windows into our souls.

 

I am aware of how my denial of my own truths, had effects on my relationships.  And more, how when I allowed myself to be with my truths, how it changed me.

 

The secrets, the abuse and even the denial – all left me in a very untethered unknowing place. Both about the secrets and yet mostly about me.

 

You can't know who you are – without truth.

(I understand these quilts more now.)

 

When I try to go back to who I was back then I don't have a clear picture.  But I was living without knowing the secrets or that even I kept secrets.

 

Oh, and one thing that Kerry talked about is – when her parents kept secrets, it also made her keep secrets.  Like the truth wasn't welcome there.

 

Interesting to be raised learning how to keep your truth quiet.

 

Her mother protected her with lies and she protected her mother with lies.

But lies do not build relationships.

Folks often keep secrets, thinking they will save the relationship, and what they are actually are doing is destroying it or not giving it a chance to grow.

 

I am thinking it isn't even the lies themselves, they are huge – but what matters more is empty space or hole it creates. And the weird way we learn to leave the truth out of relationships.

 

The effect this has on children who try to grow and love among lies – is immeasurable. 

 

When I look at the environment I was raised in and how truth was scarce between myself and my parents, I see its costs.

 

The one two punch of abuse and lies – left me in a very precarious place to grow.

 

Her book also explains to me how truth means so much now.

Why I feel so strongly.

 

It isn't the secrets themselves that are so damaging, which they are. But how it is impossible to have a good relationship while they are hidden.

 

This may not make sense to anyone – but it sure has put in another puzzle piece for me.

In how I was built so awkwardly in the land of secrets.

 

I love when I find another puzzle piece – which helps me understand why I was the way I was – and how I grew that way.

 

We grow like the environment we live in.

 

I could weep for my child self.

And how she tried so hard – how the world was set against her from the very beginning.

There was no way I could have come out normal and natural – from whence I came.

 

Yet, I am so humbled at where we landed.

 

I am okay living with the need for truth and authenticity.  I love folks who hold no secrets.

Those with secrets will feel my distance – and I am okay with that.

 

I love her title, "Thicker than Water" for we all know the common phrase blood is thicker than water.  What I know is that families who harbor secrets are families with watered down relationships.

 

 

The mask we often wear is to keep the secret from being known.