I M Perfect lady

What is love and what is indifference?

For we all know the opposite of love is indifference.

 

Indifference – "lack of interest, concern, or sympathy." 

 

THIS is what rankles me the most about the religions who forgive abusers – is their lack of interest, concern or sympathy towards the victims.  That indifference IS nowhere near love or christian like actions.

 

How can an organization who shows indifference towards children who are abused or are vulnerable to abuse, be a church of god.

God, I thought was about love.

 

The indifference towards victims, their voices and their truths – is so telling of where their priorities lie.  

It isn't with the victims.

I didn't have the right word to aptly describe what I could feel coming from others – it wasn't hate – it is indifference.

 

Total lack of interest, concern or empathy – in fact – you can almost see the shutters go down on their eyes.  Lack of interest  and lack of concern blows my mind – each and every time.

 

What I know to be true is that if you are indifferent to crimes against children – when you show no concern or sympathy towards victims –  you are not acting in love.

In fact, I would wager you don't know love. 

 

The opposite of love is indifference.

 

What I expected to happen within the church – the church I believed had high morals and values – was for there to be an outcry.  For abusers to be banished – and children protected. 

When indifference was all I faced – it baffled me.

 

However, if the church is indifferent – then it all makes sense.  An indifferent church would lack interest and concern.  

 

What my mind has wrangled with for decades is to make sense of the senseless.

I could not understand HOW indifference was the shared energy of so many.

Indifferent enough to not leave the church.

Seriously. 

To be part of an organization who is indifferent to children being abused and be indifferent about it.  No concern, or interest AT ALL. You belong to an organization that is indifferent when it comes to crimes against children. Really?

 

The only energy I ever felt from the church and so many adults and family members is indifference when it came to sexual abuse of children.

 

They were and are indifferent to the risk a child is at – to be in an indifferent environment.

When you lack interest and concern about children's vulnerability within your family and or religion – that is indifference towards children.  

Not love.

But the opposite.

Children are not safe with you.

 

What I know to be true in my experience, when I understood the indifference to my marrow – was they were not safe people.  

It wasn't even they were indifferent to me, worse they were indifferent to what was done to me.  Their lack of concern, interest and sympathy – equates to being unloving.  

That is what I felt from them – unloved.

 

My heart likes to pretend I lost love.

But my mind knows better.

I lost indifference.

 

Living lives of indifference  - compared to living with love.

The vast space between leaves no place to stand on common ground.

 

My heart breaks for those who have felt this indifference with their trauma of abuse.

My heart knows the pain of indifference.

Can you even matter if they are indifferent.

 

I wrote a post once – about every little girl should matter.

It seems overly cruel to be indifferent to a child in pain.

A child who is at risk of sexual abuse.

Often from family or someone they know in church.

 

They are taught that God is love etc in a church of indifference.

It is no wonder that the files in my left brain were all fucked up.

 

Love is an energy.

Indifference is an energy.

 

While words of the church are cheap – and can say anything it wants. What matters most is how they respond.

 

Love is an action.

Indifference is an action – a non-moving action.

 

The detective that sat in my home over 20 years ago said."I can't believe how many knew and did nothing."

Indifference.

That is what he meant. 

 

Being a victim who disassociated and whose memory is small and vague of her childhood, I didn't know.

I didn't know until another victim spoke up.

I made sense.

I was her.

 

I wasn't indifferent to me no more.

 

My life even makes more sense today – when I understand or put words to my feelings of being indifferent.

 

Or more to see them in that light.  

 

Those who are indifferent to child abuse – what do you call them?

Neglecting a child's needs – especially after sexual abuse or when vulnerable to an abuser. 

 

A person who neglects a child is often seen as abusive.

 

The second wound is the indifference of others – after abuse.

What we want is for there to be concern and sympathy.

When faced with indifference – we shrink and pull back. 

 

Another example of what I felt towards my parents. 

Something in me – pushed me back.

I wasn't drawn to either.

 

I, and many have blamed ourselves for not being able to feel deep love and connection.

How could we – when we felt their indifference.

 

This feels like the energy of my childhood home – indifference.

My heart broke knowing no love lived there.

 

But I made more sense – being raised in indifference.

My emotional intelligence was handicapped by the indifference.

My model for love was indifference.

 

When there is no interest, concern or empathy after abuse – you feel it deep in your heart and soul.

 

I asked, "When someone shows indifference…" 

and what came back was "Lack of Emotional Involvement."

Wow.

 

That also defines my childhood.- the lack of emotional involvement – is the only way you can be indifferent.

 

How sad – but it feels true.

 

Emotional involvement – "Being emotionally involved means deeply caring about someone or something, and having a strong connection that affects your feelings and actions. It implies a level of investment where your own well-being is intertwined with the well-being of the person or situation you are involved with. This can manifest as empathy, concern, and a desire to support or protect the object of your emotional involvement. "

 

Twenty years later I am still learning and making sense of how my old world worked.

 

What I do know, is that feels true to me. 

I was raised with indifference and with parents who were not emotionally involved.

 

The shallowness of that – feels right in my body.

It also feels right that my emotions came online with the truth of my past.

When my denial shattered, I began to feel.

 

Many years of unexpressed emotions rose to be heard.

The body truly does keep the score.

 

I believe we are born love.

And we still are love, when others are indifferent to us.

Their indifference has nothing to do with us.

Their indifference shows where their emotions are not.

Love –" is an emotional attachment to person, animal or thing."

Where indifference is the lack of emotional involvement.

Their lack, not mine.

 

I feel for a mother who is not emotionally involved with her child.

And, the child who grew up in indifference, and was taught to call it love.