I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • I was Missing?

    One theme of fear that has nagged at me in the past six years is; I don’t belong.

    I don’t match, I don’t fit in, I am different, I am at odds with those around me. I stand out; I walked away, leaving behind many.

    I see them fitting together and me fitting out.

    I see a flock of people being in life in harmony and then me, singing off tune.

    The feeling inside was one of separation, loneliness, not belonging, forever standing on the fringe.

    What I failed to do was take one more step back and see the completed picture.

    My focus has been on the group, not on me, my view is from this odd angle of group mentality.

    Understandably so, for I was raised to be a group member, but not an individual and I excelled at this.

    I was a superior group member, outstanding in blending in, merging my life into the group, that I simply disappeared.

    Each time I felt the separation I felt lonely and not whole and grew smaller and smaller.

    I seemed to disappear from their life while my own life seemed to loom larger and larger.

    If you could see me from both views, you would see me growing fainter in their light but if you stood on my side you could see me growing bigger and brighter.

    My success or failure depends on where you are standing.

    If you are expecting me to return and become a group member, you will see me fading, growing weaker and farther away.

    And if you jump over to the side of individual your view will totally change.

    You will see a person standing up for her own feelings, her own passions and truths, a separated soul finding its own self worth.

    I too fall victim to the group view, to see me in their eyes and each time I do, I feel less.

    However, when I stand inside myself and witnessed my life from the inside out, I feel my uniqueness and my independence of free will.

    A group no longer owns me.

    As a child I was taught to give up my body, my feelings, my life and my individual stakes for a group called family, which was governed by religion and undermined by abuse.

    They took ownership of me piece by piece.

    Or I gave them pieces of me little by little, believing the more I gave the more I would become.

    I gave til I was gone.

    It has taken me a long while to remove the sense of self from the views of a group and see myself within my self, to feel my self as self.

    To weigh and measure myself by my own ruler, to no longer feel my value is defined by the Ruler of the group.

    This separated wholeness I see of me outside the group is to see and feel something I am not familiar with, a self beyond the group.
    My favorite image or saying is, “I am going to go find myself, and I don’t know who I am or even that I am missing…”

    I had no idea who I was separated from a group.

    I had no individual view of self.

    I was nothing out side alone.

    My whole composition of self was defined by their needs of me.

    My fear of being alone was that alone I am nothing.

    I recall being scared spit less to the point of frozen immobility, to be naked without a group.

    The group I had woken up in was filled with filth, untruths, lies and cover-ups, forgiveness of sins, a mess.

    It was me!

    The group looked liked me, talked like me, walked like me, it was a direct reflection, a bird with the same feathers.

    There was no dividing line between it and me.

    I found me, lost, brainwashed, blind, abused, broken, confused, mental…I was upside down and tilted away from reality.

    It’s denial and mine were equal.

    My long walk back to find myself and see myself in reality has not been an easy road, but one that has set me free to stand alone belonging to me.

    Isn’t it funny I found myself exactly as I felt, Lost but not knowing I was missing?

  • Listen…

    The 20 most important questions we should be asking ourselves is the theme of Martha Beck’s column in The O Magazine for February.

    There are many great questions, but I love this one.

    “Is this what I want to be doing?” This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you are doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you’d prefer. Thus begins the revolution.” Martha

    Most often I hear what people don’t want to be doing while they are doing it.

    We call it complaining or whining.

    Yet what we fail to Hear is the actual words.

    Maybe it isn’t so much in asking the question, but listening to your voice or complaints, whether they are spoken out loud or silent behind, as begrudgingly does that which you don’t want to do.

    And I love her first question.

    What questions should I be asking myself? At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn’t. Without this question, you wouldn’t ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently. Martha

    Both of these questions can be life changing if you ask the questions with integrity and listen to your body and how you feel and then be courageous enough to actually follow through.

    Ask a bunch of questions today and listen…

  • My feelings are me.

    In reading, “A Course in Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, it came to me how we are so untruthful with our feelings, so neglectful, so mean, how we run away ducking and hiding, how the planet at large doesn’t like to see sad feelings.

    Feelings of grief or despair, feelings that lower the energies within, a dark foreboding feeling, the feelings that maybe we are not one with reality.

    It seems that at least in my house, we were to skip over reality and that alone was the cause of most dark feelings.

    I am thinking, and I may be wrong, but that when you walk hand in hand with reality, you will be less sad, if you are not wanting things to be different.

    It is the wanting to change what can’t be changed that brings sadness.

    To not be who you are.

    When there is a separation between what is and what you want, that the most suffering happens.

    When you surrender in agreement and sit with what is, although you feel sad to let your dream go, eventually you will see the peace of being in sync with the Universe.

    My greatest sadness was that I didn’t have a dad.
    It wasn’t that I had a pedophile.
    Once I got over the fact that I couldn’t have a dad, when I accepted I was a girl without a man who could be a dad dad, I was much more content and at peace, I was no longer fighting reality.

    To me, when you feel deep sadness I wonder if you are in a place of wishful thinking, mad dreaming, reality changing, if you are struggling hard with acceptance.

    Sadness has a message.
    What is it saying?

    To me I have lots of sorrow escaping in yoga, past sorrows, past dreams and expectations that never came to bear. Even new sadness comes in along with a future dream, which can be no more.

    Some of my sadness that escapes in yoga is the little girl finally telling me where I hadn’t been with her.

    Where she was left alone while I dreamed on.

    Where she was in reality and I escaped.
    Tears flow of rejoining, connecting and being one.

    I stay with my feelings now and find them very enlightening no matter how dark and confusing and restricting, for underneath the tangled mess is a part of me that has been lost and unfelt and needs to be tended to.

    All feelings are signals, which steer you to live authentically as you.

    They are not about the other person, the feelings are specifically made for you, they are your prized possessions, they are what makes you you.

    When you stand with your feelings, you are standing up for you.

    When you cover them up, you are pretending to be someone else.

    My feelings are me.

  • A Course In Weight Loss

    I am browsing through “A Course in Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, some parts I gloss over, and others parts catch my attention.

    This book and Geneen Roth’s “Woman, Food, and God” both are searching beneath the food and looking at the root cause, understanding that the food is a cover-up.

    We all know less food equals weight loss, but it also is removing the cotton between feelings and us.

    We fear feelings.

    We fear feeling feelings.

    Marianne writes,

    “ With any spiritual journey – and the journey to conscious weight loss is a spiritual journey – things often seem to get worse before they get better. Love’s light is being shined on many places heretofore not visible to your conscious mind, revealing toxic feelings that were there already but cleverly hidden.

    It’s all right if this part of your journey is not pleasant. Parts of your repatterning is learning to be with unpleasantness in a healthy way. The mature and sober person knows that on some days things simply feel rotten, and that is okay. You are learning to move through distress by simply being with it, without the need to overeat or to act out in any other way.

    How could it not be unpleasant, having to refeel feelings that you’ve been eating for years? Now having to confront them, deal with them, and ultimately accept them feels like a fever within your soul.

    But a spiritual fever, like a physical fever, actually has a productive function: it burns disease. Think of your pain as a feverish burning up of fear. As you heal physically, extreme fever can lead to delirium. And as you know heal spiritually, your fever can lead to delirium as well – a quiet delirium of the soul. This too shall pass.

    This lesson concerns itself with the human despair and the consistency of the body’s cells. Man has looked beneath the surface of the skin for centuries, probing the internal workings of the human body. During the last century, science has developed the ability to view even the tiniest of cells that make up our physical tissue. Yet science has not yet discovered an explanation for how emotional change produces physical change, and it is particularly blind to the malleability of fat.
    In fact, there are many levels of understanding – even of our physical selves – that science has not yet penetrated. An electron microscope reveals the entire picture of our cellular system, but within the cells themselves, there are storehouses of information not yet understood.

    For instance, there are tears and then there are tears. Some varieties are toxic to the body, while others healing. The distinction between the two is not just an emotional difference but a physical one as well. Even materially, there are aspects to tears – including functions that affect the workings of the brain – that have not yet been scientifically identified.

    Sometimes it’s only through crying tears that need to be shed that we dissolve the unhappiness that caused them. That is why suppressing unhappiness doesn’t tend to end it. How many times have we said that someone ‘needs a good cry.” Indeed. Toxicity is often released through tear ducts as part of the body’s natural genius of flushing itself out. Casual use of antidepressants is unwise for just this reason- feeling the full extent of your sadness is sometimes the only way to heal it. In the absence of the feeling, you miss out on the healing. The body does not make distinctions among physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual stresses. It is equipped with the natural intelligence to address them all.

    You are mistaken if you think that you can fundamentally and permanently change bodily symptoms by physical means alone. Problems must leave through the same door they came in. If mistaken thoughts have created a problem, then righting those thoughts is essential for healing it. And if toxic feelings created a problem, they can only leave through a detox process by which they come up again in order to be released.

    Fat is not just inert cellular tissue. It is a repository of twisted, distorted thoughts and feelings that didn’t have anywhere else to go. If you remove the fat tissue but do not remove the psychic cause, the fat might go but the causal imprint remains. And the imprint, in time, will attract more substance with which to materially express itself.

    It’s not enough to just “lose the weight.” You must lose the emotional weight that lurks behind it. This you have already begun to do. Remember that your food compulsion is a way to cope with painful feelings. As you begin to heal from those feelings –removing their “imprint” from your consciousness – they are necessarily refelt on their way out.

    Problems that seem to have nothing to do with your weight issues might rise up and in particularly challenging forms. You might doubt yourself in ways you have not done before, or have not done for a very long time. But this part of the process is not a bad period; it is actually a good one, for it is necessary. There is no spiritual rehabilitation without this kind of detoxification.

    When any pain, difficulty, frustration, or challenge emerges, try to see it, honor it, bear witness to it and receive it as part of your healing. The situation carries within it important information for you. It is not just randomly happening at this time. It presents the opportunity to examine critically important issues in your life. Looking at your pain, feeling the feelings, learning whatever lessons are being brought up for review – these are ultimately the only ways to get the pain to burn away.

    The Universe will never leave you alone at such a time as this. Angels are all around you, as they gather without fail whenever a soul is seeking its wholeness. This absolutely not the time to isolate; rather despite whatever resistance you feel, allow yourself to join with at least one other human being who might possibly be able to help you. You will learn the serious value of sacred friendship and/or professional counseling.

    Sometimes you just need to make space for sadness. You do not need an excuse for why you feel sad; you do not need to ‘fix’ it; and, most important, you do not need to run from it. What you need is to let it come up and simply be with it.

    Your task with this lesson is to make space in your life, just as you make space in your heart, for any sadness you need to honor. Perhaps take a walk each evening, or a stroll on the beach each morning. Allow yourself to grieve.

    You will learn in time to be with the void, addressing it with a bubble bath rather than with a sandwich, and with prayer time rather than a candy bar. Your task is to inhabit the emptiness, breathe through it, learn its lessons, and hear the message it conveys. There is no hole for you to try and fill with food or anything else; there is only the primal void within every human being when we feel we cannot find God.
    Marianne

  • Activating Inner Compassion.

    “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown

    Activating Inner Compassion

    The Intent to re-establish a loving relationship with our child self activates the procedure of learning how to become our own parent. Connecting with our child self calls us to step onto the pathway of self-nurturing, a pathway that is paved with compassion. This pathway invites us to overcome issues we unconsciously have with our own parents by reaching into a place where only forgiveness can take us. Every effort that we make to re-establish a loving relationship with our child self is rewarded with an every-increasing sense of present moment awareness.

    Many of us in this world appear to be very helpful, but when it comes to the necessary ability of knowing how to nurture ourselves, we discover that we are at a loss. We also realize that we tend to feel a deep sense of guilt whenever we attempt to do anything real and loving for ourselves. This is because it is only our unconscious sense of helplessness and neediness that drives us to sacrifice ourselves in the name of helping others. The behavior of running around and trying to help everyone to our own detriment is always fueled by the reflection we see of our own helpless plight mirrored in the world around us. We cannot give away what we do not have, so only when we learned how to truly nurture and unconditionally love ourselves do we develop the propensity for authentic service. Unless we consciously step into the present moment and own our life, our ability to be truly of assistance in this world will remain shallow and ineffectual. The first step in learning how to nurture and unconditionally love ourselves is to understand which aspect of our being is really suffering and needing our attention.”

    As adults, we experience myriad physical, mental and emotional states of imbalance, and when we do, we usually do everything in our power to numb, or distract ourselves from our plight. Or else we run to someone for attention. When we live in a time-based paradigm, what we are unable to see is that none of our physical, mental, and emotional difficulties stem from what is happening to us right now, even though they are clearly reflected in and by what is happening to us right now.

    During Session Four, we were encouraged to allow ourselves to feel all our pains and discomforts without fear or judgment. By allowing ourselves to have this experience, the realization to which we are opening ourselves is that all our pain and discomforts carry and emotional signature. The identity of this emotional signature will be one of the many emotions that arise from the trinity of fear, anger and grief.”

    Throughout The Presence Process, we call this emotional signature “the emotional charge”. We may identify this emotional charge by a variety of names ranging from fear to rage to grief. This emotional charge is an unpleasant feeling that we will literally do anything not to feel. As we progress through The Presence Process, it will become clearer to us that it is the emotional charge crouched behind our pains and discomforts that fuels our compulsion to metaphorically run from the present moment and into distraction. By reacting to this emotional charge, we lunge free Presence to pretence. We sidestep from authenticity to drama.

    We also know by now where this emotional charge is really anchored. We have already been shown how to track it back in time. To recap: if we look back over our life, and instead of viewing our past experiences as physical circumstances we choose instead to see them as a re-occurrence of emotional signatures, we will see a clear pathway of similar emotional signatures extending all the way back into our childhood. This pathway reveals to us that the imbalances that we feel today, be they physical, mental or emotional, have nothing to do with our present adult life. They are merely reflected in it. This pathway shows us that all our experiences of imbalance were initiated by encounters that we had before we turned seven. And so one of the biggest revelations we can have at this point is:

    It is not our adult experience that requires healing: it is our childhood.

    From the moment we turned our backs on our childhood so that we might become acceptable in the adult world, our child self has been using physical, mental, and emotional states of imbalance to attempt to attract our attention. Our child self has been attempting to attract our attention so that we can consciously and compassionately attend to the unintegrated emotional state in which we left it. Until we consciously attend to the unintegrated experiences of our childhood, our adult experiences will continue to be an unconscious unfolding “effect” of our unintegrated childhood.

    In “time”, our adult experience is an echo of our childhood.

    Until we integrate our childhood, our adult life will continue to be an seemingly chaotic and disconnected experience sewn together with what appears to be randomly occurring physical, mental and emotional imbalance. It is crucial at this point in The Presence Process that we understand that an unbalanced adult experience is “an effect”, not a cause of anything. It is crucial that we understand this because it is futile tampering with an effect of anything, as it is only at the point of cause that any real change can be initiated. The only value our adult symptoms of imbalance is that we can use them as clues to successfully navigate our awareness to their childhood causes. Unless we embark on such a journey, we remain ineffectual.

    The pursuit of happiness, in other words, the drive to control and sedate external circumstances so that we can feel at ease within ourselves, is nothing more that a behavior that stems form attempting to fiddle with an effect to adjust the cause. This is impossible. Such behavior leads us further and further away from our inherent joy that is already available and waiting for us within our child self. The child self is our harbor of innocence, joy and creativity. When we ignore its state of imbalance, we trade our inherent innocence, joy and creativity, and instead invest our energy in attempting to be happy by “making something of ourselves”. And so we are faced with another major revelation:

    Unless we are prepared to reach back through time and space and rescue our child self by bringing it into the safety of the present moment, where we can give it unconditional love and attention it is calling for, we as adults will never experience authentic peace.

    The intention to metaphorically reach back and rescue our own child self can be thought of as a form of time travel. However, this form of time travel is not science fiction. It does not take place “out there”, and its purpose is not to visit other far-off places. It takes place within us, and its Soul purpose is for us to compassionately reconnect with a particular attribute of our own Being from which we have become separated and alienated. This is an inside job that consciously connects our present moment with our past. It invites unconscious behaviors triggered by our past experiences to the surface of our present life so that we can consciously attend to them right now. If approached with commitment, consistency, and sincerity, this inner work releases our child self of its pain and discomfort. The unfolding consequences of rescuing our child self is that our present adult self will gradually be released from the emotional charge that is the source of all our distraction and imbalance. In other words, it is our child self that is the caretaker of our emotional charge. Emotionally it is in charge.
    Michael Brown.

    One more paragraph….

    If we have not done work with our child self prior to this moment, then it is important to realize that our relationship with our child self right now will be similar to that of a parent who has for many years abandoned their own child. At about the age of seven, most urbanized humans begin preparing to enter the adult world. This requires a willingness to turn around and walk away from our childhood. As the years unfold, it is very unlikely that we choose to look back or even consider the state of the child we once were. In most cases, we lay a blanket of forgetfulness over that aspect of our Being and openly admit that we cannot remember much of what happened when we were children. We can no longer see our child self, yet it sees everything. We seemingly no longer feel its pain, yet all our adult pain is a mirror of its unresolved feelings. We may ask, “Why must we now go back and deal with the past? Can we not just leave it alone and carry on with life?”

    Our unfortunate predicament is that the pain and suffering of our unresolved childhood issues follow us as an emotional trail of imbalance that pollutes our adult experiences in an ongoing patter that is as regular and punctual as a time piece. And this timepiece is not neutral, as the mechanical watches we wear on our wrists. The ticking of this childhood timepiece and the effects it has on our present life is what maybe thought of as “emotional time”. Wearing a watch and using it as an instrument to navigate the present moment of our life is different. It is a conscious experience. We can choose to remove the watch at any moment and no longer be exposed to its influence. However, the debris of “emotional time” is constantly invading our present moment and distracting our attention. For years, we can sedate and control the effects of the childhood debris which leak out into our adult experiences, but sooner or later it will rear up like an angry snake and challenge the very fiber of our Being. It is not necessary to get to a crisis point in our life before we begin paying attention to it, but sometimes a crisis is exactly what it takes for our desperate abandoned child self to harness our attention.

    Yet the moment we turn inward and start sincerely attending to our child self with the unconditional love, compassion, and the devotion it deserves, our physical, mental and emotional states of imbalance gradually begin subsiding. This is the real work, and it realizes very real consequences. Once our child self comes to peace, so do we. It is that simple and that powerful. If we are not at peace, it is our child self that is in conflict. There is nowhere else to look, and there is no other solution but to compassionately reach inward and lovingly attend to this precious part of our Being. Only when we begin to accomplish this task, we will be able to truly understand what it is meant by the words:

    “Only when we become as children again, can we enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 18:2-4)

  • Move Accordingly.

    Friendships and relationships are very interesting to me, and me in them.

    I used to put stock in friendships and work really hard to be a good friend, and even take up the slack of the other, and try harder when things became shaky.

    Now I just accept them.

    When the person oversteps or steps upon me without a thought of my feelings, I accept.

    I accept who they are, and I accept myself.

    I accept my feelings.

    My feelings that want to turn away, to put space between us, to let the friendship fade.

    I honor its death or return to social pleasantries.

    The reason we came together is over.

    The lesson is learned, a part of me was returned.

    Most relationships have given back to me a stronger self then I was before I entered.

    In the past, I would spend time and effort to drag an ended relationship along, disrespecting its demise.

    It is my belief, that if we are to remain together, there is nothing we can do to tear us apart; we will be friends for a lifetime, if that is meant to be.

    And if we are not, there is nothing we can do to keep us connected.

    Once the reason is fulfilled, our interests fade, our common ground slips away, and we move on.

    It almost seems that there are people who serve the same purpose for multitudes of folks, that they serve the soul’s lesson in many.

    They give the same part of us back to ourselves, they are angels among us who never change, for we need their exact nature to find our own.

    Their strength is of an unchanging quality that we recognize and honor.

    This wall of unchangeable energy or source of power isn’t within our power to transform; yet we are transformed and changed in its presence.

    Friendships to me are unknown, until they are known.
    The length of time we spend together I can’t know.

    Is it a season, a reason or a lifetime?

    Only my soul knows.

    I listen and move accordingly.

  • Supporting only what exists.

    Yesterday I was left with the line, “believing in something that doesn’t exist,” and it showed me the other person in the lie.

    We tend to blame the liars, but fail to point out the person who is holding it up, who is believing it, and in doing so denying the truth as well.

    I can now see the liar and the lie holder and the lie.

    It takes more than one to lie.

    The lie is a cover-up to a truth that came in that will shatter the relationship.

    Usually the one bringing in the lie is the one that has damaged the relationship.

    The one holding up the lie wants the relationship more than the truth so she will willingly carry what ever needs to be carried in order to save a relationship.

    Isn’t it funny how we become lie carriers, how we carry the lie further for the sake of a relationship.

    She is the disaster team coming in and saving the day. Little does she know all she is saving is the lie.

    All her work from that day forward is to maintain the lie.

    Her main focus is to keep the lie alive, hence believing in something that doesn’t exist.

    I can see how my mother began this game and then eventually include us, how we too learned it was more important to have relationships than seeing truth in behaviors.

    We too believed in something that didn’t exist.

    What is so tragic to me is that we can live a lifetime lost in lies.

    That we will deny our feelings, what our bodies are saying, how we are feeling all to keep a lie alive.

    Six years ago I felt that my pretend to pretend button broke, that I lost the ability to go along with the lies, that something changed, I could not knowingly support lies.

    What is so odd is that when you are born into a family of pretenders, pretending is a way of life, we rarely if ever speak our truth or we have to do so on the side and in hiding.

    Speaking about them behind their backs, saying the truths secretly.

    I am not sure where social niceties begin and lying starts, but the lines get kind of fuzzy.

    I heard Oprah speak to a man on stage stating, “go ahead speak your truth it will open the door for others to do the same.”

    Isn’t it odd that we rarely see someone stand exposing their truths, but rather we live outwardly pretending a life based on lies?

    This double life is what screws with people’s heads and the cause of much disease.

    My body feels so at peace now and when it isn’t I look at what I am lying about.

    What am I pretending?

    Where am I outside of reality?

    Am I the liar or am I believing in a lie.

    Getting my life back from the pretend world hasn’t been easy, I lost a lot of pretend relationships that I loved and supported, but in doing so I began a new relationship with myself.

    Supporting only what exists.

  • I snapped

    I am thinking that the term, “she just snapped” or “she way flipped out” is used when we have a mental breakdown or a loss of control, and is seen as a negative explosion in your world.

    But what is it really?

    What have we been flipped out of or what has snapped within us, or what is breaking down?

    In the middle of a breaking down or when you are flipping out and are in the midst of the agony and turmoil, when all that was normal is now gone, it is hard to see the wonderment of what is actually going on.

    As I stood eyebrow deep in denial, when my illusions snapped and broke open, all hell broke lose, a waterfall of truth fell into my life.

    And I flipped out.

    I literally became undone.

    I am sure I acted, sounded and appeared mentally unstable, and I was.

    It seems to me, the more falsehoods your life holds, and the more things you fail to pay attention to, the bigger the waterfall when truth arrives.

    What is so odd is that we don’t know we are building a tower of untruths, for that is what denial is, ‘a refusal to believe in something’

    What we fail at most is believing in something that doesn’t exist.

    Imagine that?

    I believed in something that didn’t exit.

    I built a whole life upon it, and I react violently when I discover the truth and my whole tower of denial came tumbling down.

    It shook the foundation of who I was and it was from there I had to start fresh.

    Putting me back together one piece at a time, like reconfiguring a puzzle, I had to look at what I failed to see, feel what I didn’t want to feel, and then recreate from there.

    You would think the waterfall would be full of illusion type things, but instead it contained only truths.

    Truths that I had not believed in.

    That I had overlooked, looked around, let slide, turned way from, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to see, didn’t dig into, all of them lay there.

    Each and every thing I thought was behind me was actually within me waiting.

    They washed over me and in a landslide type motion.

    I became inundated with feelings, truths and understanding, seeing all that I had not believed in.

    For me, flipping out was a good thing.

    I flipped, snapped or broke into reality or what was/is.

    For 46 years I had fully supported and lived for something that didn’t exist.

    How grateful am I that I snapped!

  • Pedals of his Life.

    What a great visual for co-dependency to see a person peddling a bike pulling a trailer with someone sharing the seat, but dragging their feet, a third person giving orders as where and when to stop.

    The life of a people pleaser perfectly depicted.

    While I have been working on removing the trailer and kicking off the people, they are finding it difficult to know how to walk or manage their own lives, that life isn’t done by telling someone else to get you there.

    They have a right to be mad when I suddenly decide to ride solo, to unhitch their lives.

    My son has been riding on and off, there are many things he does without my assistance, however, I have also let him ride longer than necessary for simple things.

    They are little things, little boy things that he now as a young man can take over; it is time for him and I to let the little boy go.

    As a mother you have to know when to get rid of the wagon.

    Some worry about the empty nest, I worry about a full wagon.

    Resentment grows when you allow them to ride longer than needed, when you get used to doing for them, and forget to allow them to do for themselves. Resenting my own lack of removing his chores from my life.

    What I am experiencing is his weakness in places I carried him, and how it is hard for him as he learns to take control of his own life, and the consequences in failing to do so.

    It is hard to know when to let them ride and when to kick them off, but I am thinking we under estimate their power.

    And the lightness of my load is hard to explain, it is like coasting down a hill feet off the pedals, at least the pedals of his life!

  • Towing others around.

    Last night I dreamt I was peddling a bike that was pulling a big trailer. On the trailer was my husband a lot of junk. Behind me sharing a seat was an unidentified stranger whose feet kept getting in the way of me peddling, impeding our progress.

    It was sooo frustrating and exacerbating and we stopped and started and started and stopped. The hardest part was getting going again, and I hated stopping.

    I kept my head down watching my peddling feet always alert for those big work boots stopping the pedals.

    It was like that man was unaware of his feet, and I was forever letting him know.

    I am in shock and awe, that I didn’t get off the bike and let the two of them be!

    In another dream a few nights before that I was trying to get my son off the floor, and he was immoveable. The harder I tried the more dead weight he became. And I kept finding him in different places and would try and move him.

    Instead of a rock picker I was forever trying to pick him up and the frustration I felt when I tried to get him to help me, and he cared less! Again, why didn’t I just let him lay?

    The struggles showing up in my dreams seem to carry the energy of me in other’s lives, dragging them around with their un-involvement allowing them to ride my coattails or me totally carrying them.

    It shows me hauling them around, while they sit in a relaxed pose watching the world go by.

    Honest, it was like the two of them were looking for interesting places to stop, and I hated stopping, while I was struggling to keep moving.

    I wonder what this metaphor is all about?

    Am I the big boots getting in the flow?

    Am I dragging others when they could move themselves?

    Am I allowing others to get in my way of doing my life?

    The overview and the feelings of how others can drag you down if you believe you should be dragging them is unreal.

    What an energy zapper!

    And more importantly, how can you live a life of a free spirit while towing others around!