Author: bjukuri

  • The Land of Pretend.

    “Notice When Your Thoughts Argue With Reality”

                Byron Katie

     

    I know as I approach working full time, my head has to be on board; my thoughts have to agree with where I am.

     

    If I am riding around in the mail car, ‘wishing’ I were at home, it will be hellish working. My attitude at work will be affected by how I am thinking, and my demeanor will reflect my thoughts.

     

    Tossing mail will not make me suffer, but the thought that I should not be tossing mail while I am tossing mail, will.

     

    It is amazing it is never where you are that makes you suffer, but ‘thinking’ you shouldn’t be there that does.

     

    Accepting where you are at all times seems like a no brainer, but Notice When Your Thoughts Argue With Reality.

     

    Notice how many times a day you say, ‘I should be…, this shouldn’t be, I wish it didn’t, I don’t want….

     

    Those little phrases are the doorway to hell or illusion.

     

    Each time something happens and your first thought is, ‘it shouldn’t be, you are attaching to a thought that is arguing with reality.

     

    It shouldn’t be is a thought…it is a ticket out of what is.  It is hailing you to come on board, to leave the scene of what is, to walk away, to escape into the land of pretend.

     

  • Search Out the Lie!

    “You don’t experience anxiety unless you’ve attached to a thought that isn’t true for you.  It’s that simple.  You don’t ever feel anxiety until you believe that a thought is true- and it’s not.”

                    Byron Katie

     

    Attached to a thought that isn’t true for you or believing a thought is true and it’s not.

     

    I didn’t know that the anxiety was from lies, from believing in something that isn’t true.

     

    What I guess we fail to notice is that there are false thoughts; untrue thoughts that we attach to and ride while anxiously holding on.

     

    Which is why Byron Katie’s first question is, “Is that true, can you positively know that it’s true?”  Then she asks,  “Who would you be without that thought?”

     

    What is the most amazing thing is that by believing or not believing our thoughts we can turn from suffering to not suffering, from anxious into peaceful.

     

    Changing what we believe is all we can do, reality is as it is, it flows and moves and changes, it is in our minds all within our heads that we suffer the most.

     

    Watch which thoughts you become attached to and how they make you feel?

     

    When you are feeling anxious, search out the lie!

     

  • What you can reach!

    I love women who inspire me, who show me how to reach beyond your normal reach and succeed where you are unsure of succeeding.

     

    The same week my boss turned 50, she completed her first Copper Man Triathlon, swimming ½ mile, biking 23 miles and then running 5, and she completed it under 3 hours, her goal!

     

    During her training period she discovered that she loves to swim, that it isn’t that scary to run on the ski trails in the woods, alone and that if you do the work, you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. 

     

    The sense of achievement, sense of self-pride and excitement still glows within her a week and a half later!  “I did it,” she said, “I really did it!”

     

    I love that she showed us how to stretch, reach and then grab on to something you think is out of your reach.

     

    Stretch and you will be surprised what you can reach!

  • Loving What Is…

    We would rather be ruined than changed;
    We would rather die in our dread
    Than climb the cross of the moment
    And let our illusions die.
    ~W.H. Auden

     

    What is so unreal is that we believe we can stop change that it is up to us to keep things the same, and it is viewed worthy if we remain unchanged.

     

    Not only unchanged, but that if you change it is somehow seen as bad, wrong or that you succumbed to a new circumstance, instead of standing hard against change.

     

    I have come to see that change happens often and mostly for my benefit, and the more I get used to letting go of rigid beliefs about my life and how it is supposed to flow, I am much more relaxed and willing to bend with the next thing that changes.

     

    Our bodies change, the days change, the seasons change, our roles change, our attitudes change, our energies change, our feelings change, our world simply doesn’t stop changing.

     

    I think we can accept change as long as it goes according to our vision of our futures, but as soon as it changes and creates a kink in our plans, we then stand strong against that change.

     

    Standing against change feels stronger, yet it is actually a weakened state.  The strongest is to surrender and accept with grace whatever is happening, for it is happening.

     

    Accepting what is, as Byron Katie says…is really loving what is, and if you are not accepting it, you are fighting with reality and you only lose, but 100% of the time.

     

    I think we think we are good at navigating the changes in our lives, until the unthinkable happens, when we are forced to look upon something that certainly goes against our dreams, or our plans, and then see how you accept change?

     

    I have found that it is in accepting the most difficult things that we truly see ourselves; see where we truly are, how we are and how we are really living.

     

    Are we living in reality or in a dream about reality?

    Are we flowing with the Universe and living in a love hate relationship with it?

     

    Loving the Universe when our plans are going according to plan, and despising that same God, when things fall through?

     

    It has taken lots of disappointments, lots of changes, and lots of moments of utter disbelief to finally see the gifts in all the changes that have happened in my life.

     

    I was forced to look for gifts among the piles of changes and in doing so always found the thread that lead me to understanding the change.

     

    In seeing a bigger picture or seeing that which I failed to acknowledge, it was my perspective of change that was needed.

     

    Instead of sitting in the land of ‘expecting no change’, I now live knowing all life changes…I am comfortable with change, and if not, I know that it is my mind that has to be changed, not reality.

     

    Reality changes whether we agree or disagree…it is up to you how long it takes.

     

    I have found the quicker I change my mind, the more peaceful I am.

     

    Byron Katie says there are three little words that cause suffering…should, could and would.

     

    And there are three words that bring peace, Loving what is…

     

  • Take Care Of You!

    “If you had to take care of yourself, as you take care of others, what would you do for yourself?”  This question was asked on Oprah’s Soul Series on Sirius Radio as she spoke with Geneen Roth.

     

    The woman they were talking to had no idea what she could do to spoil herself, what would make her feel good, what one thing would make her happy, it had been so long since she took the time for self.

     

    Time for self doesn’t have to be long or expensive, but it has to be something that excites your insides, makes your belly smile, bring a tickle to your being.

     

    After 50 years of taking care of others, while my inner tank ran dry, I am learning that in order to give to others, I have to give to myself first.

     

    Doing yoga each day is a way to serve my body and soul, reconnecting me to the Universe and to my breath.  It feels so good to do this for myself, for no one benefits more than I in yoga.

     

    Taking the time and spending more on whole foods, real food, and learning how to eat better, again…no one benefits more than I when I eat better.

     

    The more conscious I am in how I treat myself, the more ways I find treat me!

     

    What I love the most is that deep within me I feel deserving of serving myself, of treating myself, of loving myself of taking the time to love myself enough!

     

    There was a small book, called “When I love myself enough”…and in it had ways in which you can do this.

     

    I would love to hear how you love yourself enough?

     

    What is so sad is that the many who don’t take the time, need it the most, it is a cycle that needs to be broken by you. 

     

    Do one thing each day to take care of you!

  • Serves Me!

    In Waking, by Matthew Sanford, he writes again about his experience with yoga.

     

    “Maha mudra is a strange pose.  In yogic lore, if a yogi practices it enough, he or she can eat anything, even something poisonous. Regardless, it has a magical feel to it.  Seated on the floor, one leg is straight in front of you.  The other leg is bent at the knee, with the sole of the foot pressed against your inner thigh of the opposite leg.  One reaches down, hooks the big toe of outstretched leg with the thumbs and forefingers of both hands, lowers the chin toward the chest, inhales, and tightens the abdomen, pulling it back toward the spine and up toward the diaphragm.”

     

    “As I move into this pose, something clicks or snaps into place or becomes manifest. I experience a new ding.  I suddenly feel a tangible sense of my whole body – inside and out, paralyzed and unparalyzed.  I am stunned.”

     

    “Jo, this feels different, something is different.  I can feel where the pose goes, the unity between the actions.  I can feel it actually moving.” I gasp. “The abdomen hits back and up, and the straight leg thigh pushes into the floor…right?”

     

    “Yes.” She says, breaking a smile.

    “Then the…energy” – I struggle for words – “moves out through the heel.”

     

    “Well actually, the physical actions is to hit down with the thigh and stretch out through the heel,” she says, her tone informative. “….as the spine and chest life in opposition.” I chirp in.  My mind is racing.  How am I feeling this?  How is this possible?  I am perplexed, but the moment is mine.  My entire body is working in concert.  It has been a long time – some thirteen years.  My lost body and my potential body have joined in this pose.  My past, my present and my future are touching.  Although I am choking with grief, I am also an excitable boy.  I have worked so hard to make it back to this moment.”

     

    Jo and I do not say much.  It is too big, too fresh, and not to be spoiled.  Silence – the lamp’s light, the darkness outside the window, our reflections in the class, my creaking house.  My world has changed its shape tonight.  A new level of me is coming alive.  I am overwhelmed with the feeling that my body has been waiting for me to stop neglecting it, waiting for me to quiet down and listen.  My heart is breaking. I feel grateful.” 

                        Matthew

     

    My heart is breaking and I am grateful is exactly the correct sentiment.  To sit in awe of all the neglect and how the body still worked to serve me, given what I have fed it and how I moved it.

     

    I have done lots of yoga this year, working to help my body process all the stressful situations it has endured, and giving it flexibility and strength to move easier.

     

    My mind, my body and my soul are all being greatly helped in yoga each day.

     

    What a great vehicle we get to ride around in!

     

    I too am heartbroken and grateful, many times a day as I witness how it lives and breathes and serves me!

     

     

     

     

  • As I Yoga Along

    “A monk sits cross-legged in the middle of the road, meditating on existence.  A powerful insight consumes him: He and the Universe are One.  He intuits further that the Universe, being One, would never harm him itself.  And as long as he stays connected, he too will never come to harm.  During this timeless thought, he feels the ground shaking.  He looks up and sees an elephant walking down the very same road on which he sits.  He smiles inwardly and continues to meditate.  As the animal draws closer, he opens his eyes again.  A man is standing on the back of the elephant, waving his arms and yelling, “Get out of the road! Get out of the road!”  Completely confident in his realization, he returns to his meditation.  The elephant squashes him.  As he lies there hemorrhaging to death, he calls out, “How did this happen? I don’t understand.”  His Zen master comes out of the ditch, walks over to him, and says, “Didn’t you hear IT tell you to get out of the road?”

                    Zen parable

     

    More from the book Waking, by Matthew Sanford.

     

    “I was about to commit to the study of yoga and do so with a paralyzed body. The truth that my body possessed memory, that it was also conscious, was as undeniable as the man yelling from the back of the elephant.  But I had no idea what this meant for my practice of yoga.  How do you interact with a body that you cannot feel directly but is conscious nonetheless?”

     

    “This story of the monk’s mistake was reassuring to me.  I did not need to know anything in advance.  I just needed to stay open to my experience, to what was obvious.  My yoga practice would talk to me like the man on the back of the elephant.  I just needed to listen and not prejudge what I was being told.”

     

    “This story also made me feel less alone.  The Universe would talk to me when and if it was needed.  My task was simple:  I only had to listen.  If I did, the Universe’s guidance would be obvious, not hidden.  I would feel connected, not disconnected.  The phrase “back of the elephant” became my reminder to listen to the experience of my life and not deny it.”

     

    “My lifelong commitment to yoga, my practical journey through mind-body integration, begins slowly after surgery.  Not only am I sore, but this is also new territory for both Jo and me.  During our first meeting postsurgery, I am still unable to do any poses.  I just need to tell her about the tunnel I have been in- the hospital, the body memories, the grief.  This intimacy is a testament to the strength of our relationship. Although there is already a deep connection between us, we do not know each other that well.”

     

    “We are on the dojo floor – two willing students have helped me down – and Jo is sitting directly in front of me, spine erect, with the soles of her feet pressing against each other.  The pose is called baddha konosana, and she sits in it almost the entire time we visit. Teaching without teaching.”

     

    “She listens to my story, says little, and absorbs much.  She intuitively knows that I have much to let go of. She knows firsthand the way memory can uncoil from a body. As I tell her about my time in the hospital, I expect vacant eyes of polite disbelief.  But instead, she nods, looks down and whispers, “I know.”  Jo and I have met each other at the perfect time.  My need is obvious.  But Jo, too, is in transition.  She is in the very early stages of starting what will become the San Diego Yoga Studio. She is ready to strike out on her own and is gaining confidence.  She is also ready to take her fourteen years of yogic experience and consciously combine it with her uncanny ability to empathize with and project into another person’s body.  In order to teach me, she will have to intuitively connect with what it’s like to be paralyzed.  She will have to imagine how yoga might manifest through such a body.  Luckily for me, Jo has this rare ability in spades.”

     

    “So begins one of the relationships in my life of which I am most proud.  There was no model for us to follow, no example from which to learn.  Jo teaches Iyengar Yoga, a highly refined system developed by yoga master Sri B.K.S. Ivengar.  After meeting me the first time Jo had called two senior teachers in the Ivengar method for advice.  Their recommendations of one or two seated poses and some shoulder and arm stretches were of little help. She had already exhausted their ideas in our first session.  She was left to her own devices, to her own creativity, to an uncommon openness that would guide our work together.  She didn’t have to be an expert. She knew Iyengar yoga – that was clear.  I was her student – that was also clear. But we explored the possibilities of yoga and paralysis together.  She made me a partner in a great experiment – the mark of a fabulous teacher.”

     

    “Jo had the patience and the foresight not to force the Iyengar system of yoga onto my body. For instance, she did not worry that I could not do standing poses – the poses that are considered to be the building blocks of the entire system.  Instead, Jo had faith in the system’s underlying principles.  Iyengar yoga distinguishes itself from the other styles of yoga by its heightened empasis on alignment and precision.  I believe the reason for this is profound.  When anatomical structures – bones, muscles, ligaments, tendons, skin, and so on – are brought into greater alignment, the mind connects with the body more fluidly and with less effort.”

     

    “This phenomenon is easily experienced. Sit in a chair, slump your shoulders, and let your neck and head jut forward away from the torso. We all know this position – we call it bad posture. Now, sit up straight, life the chest, broaden across the collarbones, and extend out through the top of the head.  Notice how presence activates in the inner thighs and down through our feet, especially through your heels.  The mind moves without intent, without volition. As the chest lifts and the spine extends, the mind follows the more efficient distribution of gravity and naturally increases its presence in the lower extremities.  Iyengar yoga, by emphasizing alignment and precision, maximizes the effortless form of mind-body integration.  It is the beginning of realizing an energetic connection between the mind and body.”

     

    “Of course, this realization did not come to me all at once.  I had been practicing consistently for about six months. Each morning I would get up, drink some water, and then sit in my blue velvet chair.  I would take a few minutes to feel my whole body, to activate a sense of presence through my base by focusing on the weight distribution between my sits bones and imagining a connection between my chest, tailbone and my feet.”

    “My actual practice was limited to four poses.  I would get down on my blue exercise mat and do each pose three times.  Dandasana: legs straight in front, palms pressed into the floor beside the hips, lift the chest.  Upavista Konasana (“wide-legs”): Legs far apart as possible, hands grab the legs just below the knees, lift the chest.  Baddha konosana: Soles of the feet pressing evenly into each other, interlock the fingers, grab underneath the feet, hold them firmly, lift the chest, and stretch torso up. Siddhasana: one leg bent at the knee, with the foot pressing against the opposite thigh; the other leg bent at the knee and the foot set upon the ankle of the first foot; join the thumbs and forefingers to rest the back of each hand upon each knee palms facing upward. With such a limited repertoire of poses, I was forced to learn from subtle differences between them.  I was made to look more deeply into what could easily have become ordinary.”

     

    “Just doing four poses was exciting enough.  My body, paralyzed though it was, was taking the shapes of real, bona fide yoga poses.  I would sit on the floor, use my arms to move my legs, bring the soles of my feet together, grab underneath them, and lift my chest.  The outward result was pleasing.  If a snapshot of my version of baddha konasana were held up next to a snapshot of another beginning student’s pose, they would have looked roughly the same.  I could do it.”

                    Matthew

     

    As he shared his experiences, he affirmed mine yet again.

     

    My experience with yoga has merged me with my body, where before I lived a few feet from it.  Also, it has given me wonderful insights as I yoga along.

     

     

  • Affirmed by His Experiences

    Maha Mudra, a chapter from Waking by Matthew Sanford.

     

    “When I return home from the hospital, everything seems the same – my blue velvet chair, the sounds of my fridge, the creaking of my wood floors.  Everything except for the feeling that I have recently chatted with aliens.  That’s how my body memories strike me.  How could my body have memories?  Bodies don’t have memories, minds do.  Not only did I believe this growing up, but my philosophical studies reinforced it.  Now, in the span of a few days in the hospital, my sense of who I am, where I begin, and where I end once again has broken wide open.  My body interacts with the world and records it regardless of whether my mind is having any experience.”  Matthew

     

    This is so reassuring to someone like me who has no memories of the actual molestation, the rape that my friend witnessed, and yet my body has given me the feelings of it, the paralyzing terror.

     

    While Matthew couldn’t recall the accident where he was paralyzed, his body was aware of the whole ride and recorded it and stored the information in feelings.

     

    It is the storage that I find remarkable.  It is stored until we are strong enough or willing to seek deep inside of us and explore the feelings that seem to be there at odd times, or feelings that don’t match our thoughts in reality.

     

    When my body responded physically to the news that my father was a pedophile, there wasn’t any thing I could do but follow its lead.  I knew by the second day that I too was a victim; I just didn’t know how I knew, for my mind was still as blank as ever.

     

    Yet deep within my cells, I felt the truth of it all.

     

    I knew that he molested me, I knew that all the times I feared him were justified and I felt this to be true, with emotions and feelings that were beyond an intellectual thought.

     

    Matthew continues.

     

    “ This seems simple enough.  For example, at any given time, the back of my head is visible to the world during every instant that I am awake.  My body is also present in every second that I am alive, even while I am sleeping.  Both of these thoughts are easy to grasp intellectually, but to feel them – that is different altogether.  I felt those body memories in three dimensions.  They went beyond the two-dimensional mental experiences and instead expressed themselves through the three dimensional experience of my body. That my body could be a possessor of memory made me confront something that was undeniable.  My body – not just my mind was also conscious.  How does one truly open to something like that?”

     

    “The act of “opening” consciousness makes us feel both uncertainty and the onrush of silence that comes with it.  This is one of the reasons that becoming aware is often painful.  There are many stunning things about the Grand Canyon.  One of them is the eerie silence that accompanies its vast expanse.  It is both awesome and unsettling – one knows not to stand too close to the edge.  The feeling of openness and a confrontation with silence are deeply related.”

     

    “Opening to the fact that my body was conscious caused me intense grief.  I took advantage of my thirteen-year-old body so many years ago. It was subjected to profound violence and I abandoned it in the process.  Did I really need to?  Was it really my only option?  The existence of these body memories made me confront the silence and uncertainty of recognizing my own mistakes.”  Matthew

     

    I know the grief that follows this awareness of consciousness within the body, the neglect we feel for not knowing it was alive and filled with feelings and how it awaits for our cue.  I am humbled by this body and I am now trying to release it from any other feelings that are lodged within. 

     

    Yoga seems to be a vehicle for doing this.  Matthew also speaks of his experiences with yoga…

     

    I will write more on that tomorrow.

     

    For now, I am affirmed by his experiences. 

     

  • Waking

    In Matthew Sanford’s book, “Waking” he writes in the chapter called “Body Memories”.

     

    “I am in the hospital, but what am I healing?  Is it my back or is it my past?  Whatever it is, I am on fire. What should be only a three- or –four-day stay turns into seven.  I cannot sleep.  Time won’t let me; ghosts won’t let me; past trauma won’t let me. Each time I drift off toward sleep, there is a fury. Startled, twitching, jumping, screaming – not mind, but body.  I can’t see it coming.  Blindsided, hammered, bouncing, thudding, breaking.  Then I wake to quiet, to stillness, only for it to repeat when I doze again.  I am exhausted, but it won’t let me sleep; whatever has me in its clutches won’t let me sleep.  I am overwhelmed.”

     

    “I am besieged by a past that I can no longer see.  I try drugs.  All these years later, they now give a patient control of the IV morphine drip.  I press a button and bingo.  I am trying to eliminate the transition into sleep; my aim is to move straight into passed out.  It doesn’t work; nothing works.  Something deep within me has uncorked.  I am coming apart. That thirteen-year-old boy is calling me back.  I am being pulled back into what I left behind.”

     

    “Over time, it dawns on me- I am having flashbacks.  Almost all of my physical trauma has occurred between the states of wakefulness and sleep.  I was dozing in the car when we slid down the embankment.  I was in a coma during those first few gruesome days.  I was on Valium when the screws went into my head, when they broke my wrist, and on and on.  So often my trauma had come when my guard was down, when I was trusting the world, when I was taking a nap.  Whether it is being in the hospital again or having my spine manipulated, my body is making me relive my past.  It is gaining voice because I am finally strong enough to let it.  My body has been terrified, and I am grief-stricken that it has suffered silently for so long.  I can’t stop crying.”

     

    “This goes on for nearly three days. Barfing body memories is what I am doing.  It feels completely out of my control.  But the memories are helping me regain a semblance of continuity. For example, I have mentioned before that I have no memory of the day of the accident. That’s not exactly true.  I have no mental memory. But I am learning that my body has retained the memory; it has been holding pieces of my history until I was ready.”

     

    “The experience of my body memory is hard to describe.  I now know the feeling in my body when our car shot hard left as our tires hit dry pavement.  I can feel the car tumble from left front corner to end over end.  More than anything, I can feel the terror of traumatic time, the pause, the hanging, just before impact. (This feeling is still triggered when I am landing in an airplane and the brakes engage.)  I now know that the blow to my upper thorax came from the right side at a downward angle, sweeping through my torso, from right-side ribs to left hip.  I also know- from the ‘inside’ – my shallowness of breath, my struggle for air, and my drift into shock at the accident scene.  Still, twenty-five years later, if my spine moves too much or too quickly during yoga, I go into a mild version of past shock.  My spine is still letting go of echoes of trauma.”

     

    “These memories are not visual. They are not thoughts.  They are experienced, something like the inward feeling of falling into a dream, only to wake up just before rolling off the bed.  They are pauses of fright and held in the silence before breath.  They are my body bearing witness to what my mind could not.”

     

    “As I lie in that hospital bed, I am temporarily living in more than one dimension at a time.  I did not expect this level of healing.  I thought I that losing the metal in my back would be enough, that this would neatly end a twelve-year chapter of disintegration.  Healing, however, is not instantaneous.  It is earned. There is no way to step around my body’s past experience.  I am terrified.  My body has much to say, and it needs acknowledgement.  More importantly, I need to feel grateful.”

     

    “As I wake up to the horror of traumatically induced body memories, I am forced to feel death – not the end of my life, but the death of my life as a walking person.  I absorb death as I watched that young boy having screws twisted into his skull. The silence within which I found refuge was a level of dying.”

     

    “In principal, my experience is not that uncommon, only more extreme.  We all experience levels of dying throughout our lives – the process of living guarantees it. As each day passes especially in our later years, we become increasingly aware of our own mortality.  If we can see death as more than black and white, as more than on and off, there are many versions of realized death short of physically dying. The death of a loved one sets so much in motion: grief, a sense of loss, tears, anger, transcendent sense of love, an appreciation of the present moment, a desire to die, and on and on…”

     

    “What happened to me was simply more dramatic.  I absorbed an unusual dose of death at an age when I still had much living to do. Then I made it worse by working to overcome my paralyzed body.  I used my will to step over it, to step over the perceived death of two-thirds of my body.  My actions unknowingly injured me.  Now, I can’t stop crying because in this hospital I am experiencing the convulsing body of a suffering, but I am doing so as an adult…”

     

    “During the previous twelve years, I have borrowed against my body.  I have unwittingly relied upon the resounding beauty of its discipline against death.  When I “left” my body during my traumatic experiences, it was my body that kept tracking toward living.  It was my body that kept moving blood both to and from my heart.  Often, as we age and can no longer do what we once could, we say that our bodies are failing us. That is misguided.  In fact our bodies continue to carry out the processes of life and unwavering devotion.  They will always move toward living for as long as they possibly can.  My body did not as for the rupture that it experienced, but it somehow survived it.”

     

    “I am still returning to my body and will do so for the rest of my life.  I will leave this hospital with the crushing realization of my body’s commitment to my living.  I did not mean to take it for granted.”

                    Matthew Sanford

     

  • Both and And…

    ‎"To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path."

    Pema Chodron

     

    The path to enlightenment isn’t a slide of joy, love and bliss, perhaps once you have untangled all the crossed wires and unhooked all the addictive tendencies, connected love of self, but until then…when you feel that it is hopeless, when it seems so upside down and backwards, head in.

     

    Head directly in what is giving you stress and angst, and look about inside and outside, see it all as an experiment in humankind.

     

    I used to look at others and see all the places they were backwards, where they made actions blindly and sat befuddled in the outcome, now I look at how I affect the world around me.

     

    I am not excited or feeling blissful as I delve deeply into how my all or none actions are affecting me, my mothering skills, and how this all affects my children’s sense self, but in the moments when I feel so out of control, I usually am.

     

    I usually have taken a learned behavior and never questioned its application.  Not only on me, but those around me.

     

    It leaves you breathless to see how your words and actions can literally change the way another feels about themselves.

     

    One of the biggest challenges in all of this is to be the changeling mom, to be the one to undo and correct generations of useless tools.

     

    I am never certain what will work, but I am always certain that if I don’t change, the legacy will continue on, a legacy of all or none living.

     

    The perspective alone from all or none, to both-and leaves everyone with multiple options and the gates open wide in allowing different opinions to enter, for new ideas to be born, a change of the landscape as well as the people who live upon it.

     

    It leaves me hopeful, always.

    Hopeful that the damage I have inflicted can be turned around, that when I finally learn a new way, they will instantly feel the affects.

     

    The affects of being accepted, of allowing their true selves to shine forth, their voices to be heard, a life to be noticed, hopeful they will be in a reality of Both and And.