I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Choose to learn

    In the past few days, a whole new view or understanding has occurred to me. It was helped along by this article online.

    http://jimmyhinton.org/why-sexual-abuse-goes-unnoticed/

    I guess, I really shouldn't say new; but I can see it differently. Or, I can step back and see the overarching dance of pedophiles, a child and the onlooking adults.

    It is like there are two completely different realities going on at one time. Depending upon which mind you are looking at it from.

    I am not even sure I can articulate the two existing realities in a way you can clearly understand, how sexual abuse appears to be unseen; like a magic act.

    Where a father is a dad and a monster at once.

    Where a church is a place of God and a cover up for the devil.

    Where a child (adult child) who sees both is seen as mental.

    Early on, very early on, when we discovered my father was a pedophile; when the veil was dropped, I told family they would have to pick one version of my father and stick with it, otherwise you would go nuts.

    I talked about there being two different views.

    A father and a monster.

    And, my mother's last conversation with me, suggested that we each had two different perceptions of my father.

    I am going back and look at perception's definition.

    "the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses."

    That is amazing.

    What is your ability to see, hear and become aware? 

    How many magicians are in your circle AND are you aware of them?

    How many realities are going on that you are not aware of?

    What I also know, is that the ability to not see depends upon the beliefs you have or your needs.

    I didn't know that the degrees of perception depends upon your ability to see, hear, and become aware, of something with your senses.  

    How in tune are you with your senses?

    Your reality is only as strong as your senses.

    What was so exciting and terrifying to me, was that this article articulates how abuse goes unseen.

    That just because I can see, and others can't, that it doesn't mean it is not going on.

    The sick magic show continues; with both sides in on the act. 

    And the victims being messed up, due to no clarity of truth being lived out.

    My father lived two lives.

    But, so did my mother.

    Caught between both of their pretend worlds, there was no place to be real.

    The experiences I lived, what my mind knew, I wasn't allowed to live.

    In order to survive, I had to pretend to pretend to pretend I was okay.

    Pretending.

    Here is what it means.

    "speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."

    Yes, my life was built upon pretend. 

    And, when I stopped pretending, I was no longer able to be part of my family.

    The result of living a life of pretend for 46 years, was when the bubble broke, I am no longer able to pretend.  

    In fact I seek to be with reality.

    Always.

    My lack of pretending, is seen as unkind, unloving, even abusive.

    I know the cost of pretending. Many little girls followed me; while we all pretended to be a family.

    Who truly needs you to pretend?

    To me, the only ones who need you to pretend are the ones pretending a reality that has no ground of truth.

    Truth needs nothing.

    Truth stands alone.

    What is so tragic to me, is that so many children are abused and unseen because of the unreal realities that others need to be held up.

    Wounded children are overseen for a heaven someday, a marriage, a husband, a dream.

    In the latest sexual abuse case with Gymnastics, the University needed its reputation. The USA Gymnastics and Olympics, their wins and gold rings. They all overlooked and looked around the accusations of the 'good' doctor.  They all pretended to pretend it wasn't so.

    The women (girls) truths were not allowed in.

    The truth would 'wreck' their pretend worlds.

    Powerful pretend worlds up against the young girls.

    I LOVE that they have banded together, to break down the pretend worlds and to show the world who they are and just what happened.

    Breaking their silence ends the pretend worlds within those organizations.

    It is brilliantly tragic to see this played out on a large stage.

    Empowered women who stand by their truths are changing lives; bringing reality overflowing with truths that are so hard to see, hear and become aware of.

    They are igniting their ability to be with their senses; no long denying their body, truths and experiences.  

    They are exposing how abuse works. 

    Larry Nassar didn't act alone.  He had a stage full of supporting actors. They are teaching us all- if we choose to learn.

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  • A child has to matter more.

    You cannot change anything, if you don't change!

     

    What I am most inspired by with the woman and young girls speaking up in the Gymnastic world, is that they are not just looking at the perpetrator; but looking into why the system itself supported HIM over the young child.

    I have heard others speak of teaching children to speak up.  Like it is the child who will lend the power to end this.  Really?

    Teaching children good touch bad touch, without the support of the system they live, work, play, learn, and pray in…does nothing.

    What are we expecting from wives of child abusers?

    From the support staff of coaches?

    From the church boards who know and do nothing?

    From the preachers who forgive and forget?

    Can we teach them?

    Can we teach them what is the right way to handle a child's truth?

    What is the right way to interact with a man who has been accused?

    Can we teach them to put aside their love, their faith, their team, their organization for a child's welfare?

    Child sexual abuse is one of the easiest things to do; for the perpetrators  know the child matters the least.

    The faith comes before the child.

    Sport, money and fame, before the child.

    Love and security before the child.

    Children are last.

    Child sexual abuse will not end, until the child matters more.

    I have spoken to countless 'concerned' parents who are still within the church, asking me about how to protect their child.  They will tell me they know this uncle, or the father-in-law, or family 'friend' who they suspect of abuse; but they don't know how to stop going to family functions and will not leave their faith and church behind.

    Imagine?

    So, what this tells me, is that their place within the family matters more.

    Their faith, matters more.

    It is quite simple, and yet standing against child abuse will cost you more than your heart can hold.

    To protect a child you have to remove yourself from the circles where predators move.

    I have heard mothers say, "They will be vigilant and watch their children", while they continue to move in the same circles of the abusers.

    What the child sees is your acceptance of these abusers.  You will not be a safe person to tell or to keep them safe.

    Adults have to be taught what the affects of abuse looks like, how children change and how their behaviors are signposts.

    The adults in my world knew, and it truly is to be abused again, when the so called non-abusing adults do nothing.

    Supporting a child, even an adult child, means standing up against family, systems and organizations, and breaking rules and proper etiquette in the chain of power.

    It means saying No, and not going or doing what you have always done.

    It will be life changing.

    You will be giving up your beliefs in certain characters and institutions.

    It will blow your mind how the systems are truly working for abusers and not the safety and care of children.

    Which is the reason most will not stand with the child.

    They don't want their life to change, they can change their minds and beliefs about a system, organization, family member, church, preacher, friend.

    You will be called mental and unstable, unloving and unkind.  You will be the subject of ridicule and rejection.  You will find out that you truly didn't matter. That the idea of family and faith mattered more.

    The whole fiber on which you have been taught will seem upside down and backwards AND it is.

    I was raised in an environment where children mattered less.

    And, this is the perfect place for pedophiles to operate. They too know this.  Revel in the ideas that the adults watching will care less.

    When I decided to stand by the victims of my father, I didn't know I was going to be a changeling within our family.

    I didn't know that what I was doing was so different, that I would be seen as backwards and mentally unstable.  

    I began to live my life as the child within me mattered and all the children I had influence over; mattered!

    You can tell the value of a family, an organization or religious circle, by how much they value children; their lives, their voices, their hearts and souls.

    You can tell by who they support and believe. 

    What they rush to protect and defend.

    In my experience, it is never the child.

    A child has to matter more.

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  • #I have a Name. I have a Voice. I Matter. Me Too

    I just watched this. The first woman to come forth in the Larry Nassar sexual abuse case.

    She is a hero among heroes and I feel a sisterhood with her.

    Please watch it all.

     

    Her story is a bit unique, but not really.

    She shows how pedphiles do not work alone.

    How the adults and who they stand by, impact a child, who looks to them for guidance.

    She eloquently and artfully speaks of how sexual abuse happens and the reasons why so many little children are silenced.

    Not because they do not speak; but because they are not believed.

    I feel a kinship with her as she too lost so much to speak.

    And, in doing so wasn't received kindly by all.

    Also, our greatest hopes and fears are for the little girls (boys too) who follow in our footsteps because WE are not Believed.

    The person who abused me has passed.

    I am not sure if I can sue the church.

    It seems that I have not done enough to use my voice.

    Who and what organization helped my father abuse so many?

    Are they still operating the same as they did over 50 years ago?

    She begs to ask, "Is this the right way to handle sexual abuse?"

    I ask that too, of others who read my blog and hear my story, "Is this the right way for you to respond?"

    I am hopeful that this case, which was video and is on YouTube, will be what it looks like when you don't listen to the child.

    It has been my biggest nightmare, to know, It wasn't just my father and my family. But, that we are but the tip of the iceberg within that church. 

    What can I do?

    What more will be helpful.

    Oh, to have a line for little girls and boys to come forth and speak of their abuse.

    Rachael, I applaud you for all you lost in order for so many voices to be heard!

    Your courage and eloquence is empowering and powerful! 

    I can't imagine anyone not believing her and standing with her.  Yet, sadly I know from experience, how many will not.

    I love the judge and her recommendations to add a few lines to the #Me Too.

    "#I have a name.  I have a voice. I matter. Me too."

     

     

  • Empowerment.

    Another great tsunami of hope arises with the women who have come forth, speaking of their abuse- there is power in numbers.

    I am posting this video, so I have it achieved.

     

    The letter is from one girl.

    And, the courtroom allowed them all.  

    I believe, their numbers were over 150.

    Imagine.

    This brings hope.

    Speaking up matters.

    This case contains elements that make it big – it has Institutions that had impeccable reputations and, are now vulnerable to criminal behaviors – professional who wasn't professional…and vulnerable girls left vulnerable.

    It shows that what we see and believe IS NOT always so.

    We now have to change our minds and beliefs about these institutions.

    Larry Nassar did not act alone.

    The institutions he worked for and under, are accomplices for their lack of rules and discernment.  They allowed him to be alone with young girls.

    Certainly, many will ONLY want to blame him. To let the Olympic Gymnastic Teams and University keep their unscarred reputations. That he and he alone is the monster.

    What I know, from experience, is there is a climate that allows predators to flourish.

    He was in the perfect environment to have unlimited access to vulnerable little girls whose dreams were tied up with him.

    This case should broaden our focus when it comes to sexual predators, to look at the environments where they seem to live, work and commit crimes.

    Who is allowing this?

    Whose rules leave huge gaps for him to enter; unrestricted.

    And, I love the strength in numbers.

    While I have spoken up publicly, I needed more children to be open and seen – Adult Children to come forth.

    This case also brings to mind, my father's case.

    I had called the Prosecuting Attorney to ask if I could assist his case and was told I was too old. That my case didn't matter or would have an impact on the present (2004) case.

    What I love about this courtroom and judge IS that she ALLOWED all victims voices to be heard. She brought them all together and gave them the opportunity to be heard.

    What power!

    How healing for them all to be given the platform and the respect to have their voices mean something!

    They certainly now will not feel alone – and perhaps can work on healing together.

    Thank you Judge Aquilina! Thank you!

     

    While this whole case saddened me for all the young girls whose lives were changed, due to this man's criminal behaviors; it also has given me much hope.

    Hope that the tides are turning, and that women's strength will overcome fear!

    That we can make changes, and that institutions can be challenged, and our voices can win.

    Our reputations will be returned to innocence, and the Institutions and predators and their accomplices will now carry the burden of abuse.

    This case shows the depth of fear and aloneness of abuse and the powerlessness and then, how it can change dramatically when the silence breaks.

    It shows the scars and the triumphs.

    They renew my energy and my knowingness that our voices matter.

    And, again that no matter what the reputation of family and institution or man, they are not too big to fall…and be felled.

    This trial also shows the magnitude of one man's inability to claim his crimes.

    And, even the institutions ability to stand with the victims wholeheartedly from the stance of humanity.  They will when it appears that society 'needs' them to.

    It has affirmed my experiences with the First Apostolic Church, its members and my family.

    What I needed was a 150 voices echoing my experience.

    A judge and prosecutor that wanted to hear ALL victims.

    I think, now looking back, that my case being too old, made it appear that I mattered less.

    And, I brought that inside, as a fact.

    When a courtroom allows all victims to be heard, each of our experiences then matter.

    This case has the power and ripple affect to impact many and bring forth much change.

    What I love the most, is that after being heard, these young women will feel so empowered, that their voices matter, that their pain was witnessed, and their innocence proclaimed.

    They can then embrace and love their wounded little girl, mother her into a strong loving woman. It takes time, and to be surrounded by people who truly love you.

    I applaud the women of this case.

    Women rising into their empowerment!

     

  • I finished listening to "I'll Push You" by Patrick Gray and Justin Skeesuck.  

    I purchased the book because the backdrop is The Way; The Camino Santiago.  A 500 mile hike in Spain.  I am drawn to this experience and love to read about it.

    Their journey is different for one friend is in a wheelchair. But that isn't what makes it so different; it is their friendship. 

     

    I love how the journey of 500 miles connects all those who hike the trail. 

    What I am most drawn to is how honest and authentic this path makes most.  It strips away the facade and busyness of life, as each persons is traveling in the same direction.

    Each are carrying their own weights and difficulties, and each is working to lighten the load; both inner and outer.

    The travelers are on their own journey while walking the same path. 

    The path is the same, the travelers unique.

    A life changing journey while walking.

    I would love to experience this when I retire. How awesome to be able to do this with a friend. I am not sure I would be brave enough to go it alone; unless I was part of a group.

    Knowing this may be on the horizon, I need to move more and continue growing strong muscles.

    Pre-Camino growing.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • What Powerful Looks Like.

    I met her first on a podcast, and then ordered her book,"A Beautiful Work in Progress"  Mirna Valerio.  She is my new role model of what is possible; no matter the type of body you have. While she is on the high end of the spectrum, she makes it possible for the rest of us to be placed somewhere on the line.

    Below is a great introduction to her!

     

    What I believe stops so many of us, is that we don't look like we should be biker, hiker, runner, ultra etc. And, think we have to look the part before we can do it.

    I LOVE that she is shattering the image that too many of us have and replacing it with her bold, unapologizing, badass, powerful self.

    We all need to adjust our image of what powerful, badass and athletic looks like.

    While I plodded along during the Great Bear Chase or while pedaling during the Copperman, I felt totally out of place amidst the strong, "in shape" athletes, and at the same time, that I was representing those of us who love to move; but don't look the part.

    To be out there even though societally we are not supposed to be. 

    She is out there breaking down barriers on a way Ultra scale going far beyond the expectations of many.

    She is giving those of us who don't look the part, permission to be there TOO.

    In her book, she wrote about taking Selfies when you go out and move.  I totally agree! I do this almost always.  It is to continually post that we can.

    We can move.

    We can also press our own boundaries.

    We can bike a little farther, we can hiker longer, snowshoe further, etc.

    And, bit by bit, we become stronger, empowered and included in the fun activities our bodies are capable of doing.

    She has raised the ceiling to infinity of what we can do – IF we erase the old image of what athletic looks like.

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    And, we can change the images, by posting each time we are out there moving, enjoying, pushing, and challenging ourselves.

    Let's change what powerful looks like!

     

  • "You cannot set a boundary you do not have"

     

    More from "The Awakened Family" -by Dr. Shafali Tsabary 

     

    Chapter 21 "From Discipline to Enlightened Boundaries.

    "Once you have learned to check in and attune to yourself and your children, the next important task of parenting is almost as sacred as connection. This is the art and discipline of creating boundaries. Notice I said the "discipline of creating boundaries" as opposed to the "art of disciplining." Whereas the latter focusing on changing our children through discipline, the former focuses on disciplining ourselves to change. My book "Out of Control" emphasizes how disciplinary strategies are just a means of control and manipulation. It's our lack of understanding to how to create appropriate boundaries that result in what we call a "disciplinary issue," as a if it were the child's fault."

    "This is the most important lesson in this chapter: All disciplinary issues with children occurs because of a lack of discipline within the parent. It's really the indiscipline of parents that we need to create interventions for, not the child!"

    "I believe that establishing limits and creating appropriate boundaries are some of the most difficult aspects of parenting. When we attempt them, we tend to be either too rigid  or too lax, unaware of how to create the right conditions for our children to thrive." Shefali

    I loved seeing how the old ways of parenting (at least how I was raised) was a form of manipulation and control.  

    And, I have parented this way. It is exhausting and it leaves the child to blame for all the strife in the house.

    Her approach is completely new and life changing; for the parent!

     

    Further on she writes;

    "You cannot set a boundary you do not have."

    "When you hear the word "boundary" you probably assume I'm talking about giving our children boundaries. However, I always start with the parent. I'm less concerned with our children's understanding and more concerned with our own internal boundaries. Whenever our children get out of line, it's not so much they who are out of line as ourselves."

    "If you are wondering what this looks like in practice, it means that our own relationship to our limits is wishy-washy. The line between what we deem appropriate or inappropriate isn't clearly drawn in our mind and heart. Our inability to set a clear limit is the reason our children keep violating our boundaries. As with all aspects of conscious parenting, the misalignment begins with us." Shefali

    I LOVE, you cannot set a boundary you do not have.

    This isn't just for our children; it is for everyone who we spend time with.

    Finding our own boundaries and standing firm within them, will define us and allow us to navigate the world with clarity.

    Do you know your own boundaries AND, do you know how you got them?

    I used to have boundaries that were given to me, or ones I created out of fear.

    Most were senseless and without substance.

    Lots were based upon the 'guidelines' of religion.

    Many were beliefs and 'sins' to steer away from.

    There are still a huge volume of people who live their lives by the old frame work of discipline, control and manipulation.

    This is very tiresome; because you are controlling others, instead of yourself.

    Yet, how can you control yourself, IF you don't know yourself?

    What you stand for, and why?

    What you resist, and why?

    And, more importantly, what are you for? 

    Are your clearly defined by your standards, values and inner knowings?

    My old controlling self was created by dysfunction and religion- a very constricted, dark place to grow.  It didn't allow for self-love, self-expression or individuality – freedom to be.

    Leaving behind my old ways, I learned to find new boundaries based on self-love.

    What honored and respected Me.

    It was completely scary and extremely liberating and freeing!

    I cast aside the old beliefs for ones that echoed from within me.

    I read somewhere awhile ago, that religion was created to control people.

    I can't know if this is true, but it feels true.

    So, many feel that if you don't have a religion; you are out of control.

    Free to do number of sins.

    Yet, oddly enough.  When I gave up my religion, I became kinder. 

    I mothered – by getting myself right first.

    A complete turn-a-round for my kids.

    They were no longer the problem, I was.

    I had to first find out what my boundaries were in order for them to see me.

    Mostly, when I became free to be myself and govern me, they were left with just being themselves. 

    When I honored and respected Me, I did the same to them.

    Without this book, I changed myself and became a better mother.

    The reason, I feel it is completely hard for parents to parent this way, IS that they don't know who they are, and what their own boundaries are.  

    You cannot set a boundary, you do not have.

    You cannot present a self you do not know.

    An amazing book!

    The best parents know who they are where their boundaries lie.

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  • What if, instead of changing, we did more becoming? Stop trying to 'improve' or change who we are; but instead we allowed.

    Allowed all of who we are to appear.

    To let our feelings have value and expression.

    Give respect to emotions, especially when they appear difficult to honor.

    Allow ourselves to be ourselves, without explanation.

    Spend time watching for what we don't allow.

    "I can't say that." 

    "I am not allowed to say No."

    "I have to go…"

    To explore what boundaries you have in place that keeps you from becoming You.

    We often read and hear about setting boundaries; and we seldom hear about allowing.

    Allowing yourself to be different, to not match, to not go along to get along, to speak up, to disrupt the flow, to burst forth in your truth.

    Allow for actions to match your feelings; especially if they are different from what we have always done.

    Allow yourself to grow and become from within, even if it opposes what you are comfortable with.

    Letting the you inside of you become, is completely enthralling and magical and horrifying when you have lived away from yourself for a long while.

    We choose to live lies, because we had to in order to survive; to be one with the group, to be approved of, to be liked, to fit in.

    There also comes a time, we have to stop lying in order to live.

    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

    I have lived in a tight bud, my inner self and expression of me hidden from view. And, I have lived fully exposed and open.  I prefer the blossom to the bud.

    It is like breathing and not breathing.

    Maybe it is comes with age, where it is harder to pretend; or we feel the passing of time and that we have less to live than what we have used up.  But, if not now, when?

    There is no part of me that wants to return to the bud.

    When I followed the truth of what I felt, I began to unfold and expand and unfurl.

    Allowing yourself to expose You, can be very terrifying, while extremely empowering and exciting.  It is to watch the birth of you.

    When I first began this process, there was just a small bud of me. A terrified bud. One who understood one thing.  I was abused. And, the rest of my world didn't make sense.

    Yet this one wounded bud, was enough to allow the rest of me to come forth. I didn't bloom in one day. It has taken years.  Each year a bit more unfolds. In each choice, a petal is revealed.

    Imagine the world if all of us could allow ourselves to become who we were born to be?

    To fully express our inner beauty and originality!

    What I know to be true, is that the blossom of you, will be fully supported.

    And loved.

    by you.

    I am fairly certain that I am the most in awe of who I have become.

    While the outside may appear bleak, that I have lost so much, my inner view, of the garden within, is quite lush. 

    I love myself much more as a full blooming flower.

    Who knew what the bud would look like, when I allowed it to be Me.

    Fear certainly kept me in a tight bud; fear of disappointing, being disproved of, disliked, unloved, unpopular.

    Fears that were spot on.

    They did come to fruition.

    There truly does come a time, where the risk to remain tight in a bud is more painful than the risk to blossom.

    I did lose.

    But oh, did I gain.

    Again, the blossom is so much more easier to be; than the bud.

    As the blossoming flower, I can confidently express my nature.

    Perhaps all those who are looking for change, are just looking for a petal to unfurl!

    I hope so.

    Allowing the petals to unfurl would bring such beauty to this world.

     

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  • Workout This Year!

    Another full year awaits us, wide open and a clean slate.

    What will your intention be for you this year?

    Will you make promises you can't keep?

    We approach a year as if the year has more power than the voice inside of us.

    Who is making the promises and to whom?

    Last year my word for the year was Dare. 

    In situations where I was torn, the word would push me into a decisions. Often a decision that I would not have made, if it were not for the promise to myself to dare more this year.

    So, as I sit here today, I am pondering my new word.

    I want it to be playful and silly, nonsensical.

    NONSENSICAL is my word!

    I LOVE this.  

    For way too many years I have been so serious, so methodical and reasonable, so responsible to be nonsensical. 

    I was afraid to be too silly and playful.

    What I believe, but can't prove, is that I was caught and abused while playing, so I became very serious and aware. Didn't dare let my guard down to throw caution to the winds and just be a kid and play.

    I have said my sense of being responsible has been a heavy burden and weight upon me.

    I felt too responsible; even for things that were not mine to carry.

    The happiness of others, to carry more than my share, to put my needs aside for everyone….oh the list is long.  A sensible list of being the oldest girl of 14.

    Now, I will try and release the nonsensical energies within me.

    Letting go of being so serious will allow my soul to run free – childlike.

    My actions don't need to make sense.

    Impractical and ridiculous will be fun things to do!

    Imagine the ludicrous, and the preposterous – that will be Me.

    2018 will be the year I let go of being so responsible and sensible.

    I looked up the antonyms to nonsensical and there I was – realistic and reasonable!

     

     

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    And, for some reason, this photo will not post upside right.  I guess this is my start to being nonsensical!

    I am excited for a year of full of finding moments to be nonsensical – to let my inner crazy silly girl run free!

    Good-bye Daring, what a wonderful adventurous year you gave me.

    Out with the old and in with the new!

    My soul is excited contemplating the year ahead!

    I LOVE letting go of being responsible and reasonable! 

    Yes!!! Nonsensical we will have so much fun this year!!

    I wonder in which ways nonsensical will grow me?

    How will releasing nonsensical, change my world?

    It feels light and free.

    I want this for me; very much!

    I love having words that will change how I answer when choices appear.

    My nonsensical muscle will get a workout this year!

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  • Merry is what we are!

    When past ghosts of dysfunctional behavior arrives by the way of my old pleasing ways; it can swiftly lower my energy to a point of "being all glum over there in the corner". 

    What I am always surprised by is the sneakiness, or how it is hidden in 'kindness'.

    I can now see more clearly how pleasing steals your joy, how doing to make others happy, can have the reverse response IF there are too many pleases at one time.

    Being aware, like hyper-vigilant about what you are doing especially during busy holiday times is very key for those of us who are recovering people pleasers and co-dependents.

    I got lost in what everyone else needed and forgot about me, until I felt backed in the corner and overwhelmed. Everyone was happy; but me. 

    Goal made.

    My old ways accomplished.

    When you please everyone and forget about your own needs, you will be glum in the corner.

    It has been a long while, since I lost sight of my needs.

    Or, my ability to say no and let others be less happy.

    What I also learned was that when you deplete your energy, it doesn't come back easily or with the intention of "It's Christmas Eve, Be happy now."

    My inner energy balance was drained.

    Not by one too many batches of cookies, but the combination of many things.

    I got caught up in doing it all.  

    Like I had done so much in the past.

    I used way way overextend myself, to serve those who I thought needed a brighter christmas. 

    Like I was Christmas Joy.

    Only to end up joyless.

    Empty.

    Energy spent.

    It wasn't one request or one thing, I thought needed to be done, it was the combination of it all.

    What was most surprising to me, was me.

    My feeling, the feelings in the state of being empty.

    This hasn't happened to me in a long long while; like years a decade or more.

    I got to revisit the scene of christmas, family, lights, presents and not have that fill you up.

    Meaning, if you arrive empty, you will leave empty.

    I have known, and felt for years now, Christmas can't replace the inner joy of being.

    It's not its job.

    Each of us are responsible for the energy we bring into the room, as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says; but, we are also responsible for keeping our energy high, and not draining it to fill others.

    For some reason, this christmas I lost my ability to monitor my own energy, until it was all sucked out.

    Too late.

    And, I had to watch how it felt to be so empty of energy.

    I sat and noticed, noting how our inner world is solely ours to repair. 

    Nothing from the outside can refill me.

    I have to do it.

    I can truly see how our mental health – inner feelings- are so important.

    In the past many years, I have not felt this drained feeling, or the come down after christmas. I could never articulate what that was.  Now, I can see it be empty of self.

    Where you give far beyond, forgetting to keep a reserve. And, even giving to those who you can't fill. Please the un-pleaseable.

    The glumness of being empty overshadow all on Christmas Eve Eve.

    What an incredible gift to re-visit my old self.

    What joy to know, this is no longer my usual me.

    The weight of what some may call depression or feelings of blue, is hard to live with inside.

    Our personal inner landscape has to be tended to with care.

    We are the ones we are waiting for.

    It is up to us to keep our insides happy.

    We can't deliver happy, joy or love.

    You can't receive happy, joy or love.

    We have to be happy, in joy and in love from the inside out.

    Doing whatever it takes to keep our inner light shining bright.

    And, giving others the ability to do the same.

    I appreciate the ghosts of christmas pasts that came to visit.

    The gift I had to see my past self.

    I know where I lose my energy and what it takes to keep my love, peace and joy.

    When, you have joy inside, the christmas is icing on the cake.

    When you don't have joy, Christmas can't deliver it, no matter what gifts you get or don't get, who is there or isn't there.

    Christmas is a feeling you have inside.

    Merry is what we are!

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