I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • "You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great"           Maya Angelou.

    I began reading Brene Brown's new book "Braving the Wilderness.

    I love this part.

    "Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

     

    "This definition has withstood the test of time as well as the emergence of new data, but it is incomplete. There's much more to true belonging. Being ourselves means sometimes having to find courage to stand alone, totally alone. Even as I wrote this, I still thought of belonging as requiring something external to us – something we secured by, yes showing up in a real way, but needing an experience that always involved others. So as I dug deeper into true belonging, it became clear that it's not something we achieve or accomplish with others; it's something we carry in our heart. Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours."

    "Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone – to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism. And with the world feeling like a political and ideological combat zone, this is remarkably tough. We seem to have forgotten that even when we're utterly alone, we're connected to one another by something greater than group membership, politics, and ideology – that we're connected by love and human spirit. No matter how separate we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story."

    DEFINING TRUE BELONGING

    "I'm a qualitative grounded theory researcher. The goal of grounded theory is to develop theories based on people's lived experiences rather than proving or disproving existing theories. In grounded theory, researchers try to understand what we call "the main concern" of study participants. When it comes to belong, I asked: What are people trying to achieve? What are they worried about?"

    "The answer was surprisingly complex. They want to be a part of something – to experience real connection with others – but not at the cost of their authenticity, freedom, or power. Participants further reported feeling surrounded by "us verses them" cultures that create feelings of spiritual disconnection. When I dug deeper into what they meant by "spiritually disconnected," the research participants described a diminishing sense of shared humanity. Over and over, participants talked about their concern that the only thing that binds us together now is shared fear and disdain, not common humanity, shared trust, respect or love. They reported feeling more afraid to disagree or debate with friends, colleagues, and family because of the lack of civility and tolerance."

    "Reluctant to choose between being loyal to a group and being loyal to themselves, but lacking that deeper spiritual connection to shared humanity, they were far more aware of the pressure to "fit in" and conform. Connection to a larger humanity gives people more freedom to express their individuality without fear of jeopardizing belonging. This is the spirit, which now seems missing, of saying, "Yes, we are different in many ways, but under it all we're deeply connected."

    "As I was defining the main concern related to belonging, I went back to The Gifts of Imperfection to look up the definition of spirituality that had emerged from my 2010 data:

    "Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion."

    "I kept reading the words "inextricably connected" over and over. We've broken that link.  And in the next chapter, I'm going to show you how and why we broke it. The rest of the book is about fixing it – finding our way back to one another."  Brene Brown.

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    This part really struck me, for I have often stood alone in the past 12 or so years.  

    And, while I have been alone, more often than not, I did truly feel that I  truly belonged to Me. 

    "Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours."

    This is so true in my experience.

    And, I also believe that the main part of my estrangement IS the lack of spirituality – a deeper sense beneath beliefs and ideology of family – there seemed to be a lack of humanity.

    In many dialogues, as we tried to make sense of the world of dysfunction, abuse, cults etc, we would often wonder about the humanity part.

    How could humanity treat other humans this way.

    So, there are two main components to my aloneness.

    One being I wasn't willing to join a group and give up on my authenticity…and then, the lack of being able to connect on a human level. There just didn't seem to be 'something' beneath their beliefs.

    It was as if nothing lived deeper within them.

    Where I found, and connected to a little girl or a lady who was just waking up to who she was, others lacked this.

    Or, perhaps never showed it to me.

    Their agenda to save the family, stand by the parent etc, may have disallowed them to show me what lie beneath. Did their authenticity disagree with the group they were wanting to be part of?

    It is as if the 'love' that the family defined was the only level there was. I couldn't tap into a deeper more individual self who belonged only to themselves. 

    Mostly, it appeared, that their inner world belonged to the larger group called family and/or religion.

    A woman, who was from the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, I will never forget. There was nothing deeper than what she had been taught. There wasn't an individual who could speak or move outside of what her church had taught her.

    Unless and until you are free and belong only to yourself; you will not be able to see the level of humanity lacking.

    Unless you believe in their religion, there simply isn't nothing to relate to.

    There is no humanity beneath.

    Just as I felt in my family of origin. IF, I didn't agree with the family pattern, there was no land for us to relate to each other on. 

    I could only see and feel the family agenda.

    I can't wait to read how Brene writes in how we lost humanity and how we can get it back.

    I also agree with her sentence "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

    What I have felt and experienced most is the low levels of self-acceptance. How this one place leaves you with very little to connect to.

    How can we connect with each other, IF one of us has no real love and acceptance of who they are??

    This just resonates deep within me. 

    Imagine, "our belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."  I know, that my full acceptance of all me, the abused, the confused, the mental, the denial, etc, helped me connect deeply and belong fully to me.

    There was no part of me, that I didn't bring back to me.

    I belong!

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  • Behaviors will change.

    In listening to a podcast, I heard a new way to look at changing behaviors that are not good for us.

    The idea is, that we are triggered, we behave and then we reap the reward.

    What was different this time, was the content of the reward – "Feeling Bad".

    If you sit with that awhile, you will see how your behaviors often leave you feeling bad; compared to feeling healthy, excited, accomplished etc.

    When I overeat on sweets, my reward isn't that I feel great.

    Not like I do when I ride my bike for an hour, or hike in the woods, or kayak etc.

    Somehow, I strive or seek to feel bad.

    Was, or is, this my neutral state?

    Is this where I like to settle back into?

    Is it my home state?

    My triggers to eat are often boredom, or even the need to give myself a sweet treat; which really is a dose of feeling bad.

    While we may think, our minds are the ones who are controlling our habits, it may be more our feelings.

    We long to feel a certain way.

    I wonder how much of other behaviors leave me feeling poorly?

    In the podcast, they suggested to eat with awareness, not control.  To eat cupcakes until you feel the feeling of feeling bad.  Our minds may need the experience to stop the behavior.

    The distance I often feel between the taste of sweets and the sluggish feelings, leaves me not believing that the thing I ate a half hour or so ago, IS the cause of me feeling lazy.

    This is one area that needs my attention. I am getting better at moving and I enjoy it.  I enjoy it while doing it and after.

    With Sweets, I enjoy the eating part, but not the after.

    As, I am sure it is with any addiction.

    While consuming it feels fine; but the end results are not.

    My goal will be to find ways that I can feel good during the whole process.

    Perhaps controlling our feelings will change the way we behave.

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    When we focus on the triggers or the behaviors, we neglect our feelings.  

    I even wonder if I had eaten poorly to mask the underlying feelings?

    And, that just became a habit.

    Now I need to focus on how I feel, and from there my behaviors will change.

     

  • The Landscape Within

    From "A Mind At Home With Itself"

    Question asked of Byron Katie; and her response.

    "Mind is everything; mind is good," you say. Are you talking about awareness? Why do you use the word mind here? Why don't you ever use words like soul or spirit?"

    "What is there to be aware of other than mind? So mind aware of itself is awareness. And when mind is aware of itself, it realizes that not only is it not personal, it doesn't even exist; its an illusion. Prior to "I" there was nothing.  The "I" comes second, out of the nameless first. The apparent mind that questions itself begins to understand where it comes from, which is pure love, or lack for a better word. So if it's not the song of love it's a distortion of the nature it was born out of."

    As for words like soul or spirit, I don't use them because I don't know what they mean."

     

    Her comment that she didn't know what spirit and soul meant, brought me up short. 

    What do they mean?

    What is my experience of them?

    Where are they found?

    What do they look like?

    Feel like?

    Compared to the engagement we have with our minds; how often are we in conversation with our souls? Can we do that?  What I have called my innocence – was that the soul?

    Is the spirit equal to the awareness – are they interchangeable?

    Is the soul who we were prior to obtaining a body and is that where we return?

    Are Spirit and Soul words from religion?  Do we use them outside of what we call a spiritual experience?

    Can we dialogue with them like we can with the mind.

    If awareness can question the mind, can awareness question the soul?

    This is all very intriguing to me.

     

    She was also asked, "You say that the mind can never be controlled. But sometimes you say that mind is everything. Is the first mind the ego and the second mind awareness?"

    "Yes, "Awareness" is a way of saying that the ego is perfectly understood. Awareness is never tricked by what the ego thinks. It always knows the difference between what is and what isn't."

    I love that awareness is never tricked by what the ego thinks.  I agree.  In my experience, my greatest resting spot has been with awareness. I feel completely trusting in it. It is what I have called truth or reality. Awareness is.

     

    And, this question.

    "If someone asked you Subhuti's question – "How should people control their minds? – what would you say?"

    "First, I would invite them to be aware of their stressful feelings.  A feeling is like the mate to a thought appearing.  They're like the left and the right. If you have a thought, there's a simultaneous feeling.  And an uncomfortable feeling is like an alarm clock that says, "You're caught in the dream." It's time to inquire, that's all. But if we don't honor the alarm clock, then we try and alter and manipulate the feeling by reaching into an apparent external world. We're usually aware of the feeling first. That's why I say it's an alarm clock that lets you know you're stuck in a thought you may want to investigate.  If it's causing you any kind of discomfort, you might want to inquire and do The Work."

     

    There is a direct correlation between our feelings and our thoughts.  Oddly, we often think we can just think differently, without actually doing the investigation of whether a thought is true or not.

    It is very interesting that our untrue thoughts can prompt feelings.

    What I have noticed in my own life, is that I don't like the way stressful thoughts feel in my body.

    I have learned how to reduce and eliminate stress by questioning the thoughts and not trying to subdue them or override them with a different thought.

    There is integrity of a thought that has to be explored.

    Is it it true for Me?

    What I had found in questioning stressful thoughts, is that it is most often a struggle between what I want and what others are free to do.

    Mostly, I would say, we want to control others, more than our thoughts.

    When you literally give others their freedom, you actually gain peace.

    This book and her experiences may be very confusing and challenge many beliefs and thoughts we have been taught about our self, life and our minds. Yet, what she says rings true. 

    When I first read her books, I was relieved and anxious at the same time. It felt like I was cheating on my beliefs and thoughts I had about being in the world. 

    She, however, was the first one who brought great relief to me, when my world tipped upside down. She agreed with what I had to accept. She didn't try to change it or me.

    She was the awareness I needed to see what was.

    She says, that inquiry arose in her.

    The ability to question our thoughts.

    It awoke in me too.

    I don't recall prior to 46 years old ever being able to fully see the mind.

    A mind without awareness is scary to me. She says, that only a confused mind hurts others.  I agree. 

    The first book I read from her was, "Loving What Is."

    As I sit here pondering how my life has been changed by awareness; I can't say the same for soul and spirit.  I just might have to agree; that I don't know what they mean.

    My experience of them has been thoughts.

    Whereas awareness has felt like a presence, a wisdom or knowing.

    How interesting to ponder the landscape within.

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  • Who you are

    "Every no I say is a yes to myself. It feels right to me. People don't have to guess what I want or don't want, and I don't need to pretend. When you're honest about our yeses and noes, it's easy to live a kind life. People come and go in my life when I tell the truth, and they would come and go if I didn't tell the truth. I have nothing to gain one way, and everything to gain the other way. I don't leave myself guessing or guilty."

    "If a man wants to have sex with me, for example, I don't have to decide about my answer. I'm married and monogamous; my "No" pops out with a smile. I'm actually giving the man the greatest gift I can give: my truth. You can see that as a boundary, but if a boundary is a limitation, a contradiction, that's not how it feels to me. I see it as integrity. It's not something I establish; it's something that has already been established for me. Saying no isn't an act of selfishness; it's an act of generosity, both to myself and to the apparent other."

    Byron Katie – from her new book "A Mind At Home With Itself

     

    One of the greatest pieces of wisdom I heard from Byron Katie was that my No to you is a Yes to me.  

    It feels so kind to me.

    I love that I have the ability to say No.

    It hasn't always been in my vocabulary.

     

    The reason it wasn't in my vocabulary, was because I wasn't in my life.

    Or, more true, the truth wasn't part of my life.

     

    My ability to say yes OR no, is my greatest gift I have given myself.

    I do not pretend.

    For it would be a pretend Me.

    I don't like how that feels inside of me.

    Dishonest to me.

    I can say yes to the hardest things and in doing so have created a self of integrity and it feels so good. For sure not limiting; but endlessly expanding.

    What some see as boundaries are really self honoring or self defining moments.

    I have said, and I still believe, that the opposite of being a victim or being abused etc, is the ability to say NO…to have the choice.

    When we are in a relationship, where you can't say No, it isn't a healthy relationship.

    The greatest gift we can give another is their ability to be authentic.

    I love when my granddaughter says, "I don't want it".

    It is her truth.

    I honor it.

    I don't try and change her mind. 

    She is defining who she is.

    The boundaries some see against them, are actually the defining boundaries of who we are.

    Who you are is made clear by what you say yes to or perhaps your inability to say no.

    My noes didn't create a contracting life; but they opened up the infinite possibilities of being me. I love my noes as much as I love my yeses. For they are all yes to me!

    My noes are much more self-defining and feel extremely self-loving.

    And, free.

    I am able to freely express myself as myself.

    The noes do create the outline of who you are.

     

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  • Self Wisdom

    "Curiosity and Complaining are two fundamentally different postures."

    "The problem with complaining, is complaining is energy spent, that you could have spent asking questions.

    The problem with blaming other people and blaming them two months later, and two years later, is that Blaming takes energy. Blaming takes energy and its energy that you could spend asking questions.

    What did I Learn? What will I do differently. How will I recognize it the next time it comes around?

    Needy, draining people, rarely have questions.  Because if you have questions and you're curious, then you have entered into the accumulation of wisdom, and you probably won't be as needy and draining as you used to be." Rob Bell

     

    What I love about this idea, is that it truly flips around your focus from the outside back to you.

    And, it is so empowering.

    I know, that when I was able to ask myself, for example – "Why am I waiting on a call from someone who doesn't call?" It freed me to no longer wait.  I wasn't complaining about why they didn't call, I was more looking at why I was waiting.

    Asking questions of yourself is so liberating and you get to know who you are and why you do what you do.

    It leaves others doing their own business and you are too busy asking questions to complain.

    I have found, that most often complaining is wishing others would do something. Being curious about our relationships is so enthralling. It brings you to the present of how the relationship is. Which, I guess is why most don't ask. They truly don't want to know if and when a relationship is over.

    For most often, when you stop complaining and start asking questions, the relationship ends. But, it was most likely over a long time ago.  You are just now catching on.

    Curiosity doesn't try and make things how you would like them; but rather how it is.  You may lose family and friends when you become curious.

    Curiosity is looking for what is.

    It is a reality seeker.

    Or, perhaps curiosity only works if you are interested in seeking the truth, authenticity and reality. 

    Otherwise, complaining keeps you engage in something that is no longer working.

    You are connected, but complaining about it.

    I have very little to complain about. If anything.

    If there is a complaint, that means I have to research what I am doing and why?

    In moments where complaints seem appropriate, most often, there is an imbalance. 

    Some imbalances are okay short term.  But, if they go on too long, 'something' needs to change.

    Either the way you think about it or literally doing something different.

    Complainers really are energy suckers.  And, they appear unwilling to change their life situations and feel that complaining is doing something – I guess.

    Complaining is a waste of time – it doesn't spark the creative energies of change.

    It doesn't change you and it certainly doesn't change someone else.

    You can ask for what you need. You might get it.

    But, I am more curious as to why you don't move, change, begin, etc.

    I see complainers as standing in one place "hoping" things will change.

    Life passes you by as you complain in hope.

    There truly is wisdom when you begin to question. Often that wisdom is not welcome.

    We don't want to know know know, that our sister doesn't care.

    Nor do we want to know how we settle for so little.

    A crumb; now and again.

    More often, we don't know who to create a relationship that has mutual respect and the pendulum swings from giving and receiving.

    Question asking brings awareness.

    This awareness often feels sad and hopeless.

    But, it is only the state of the relationship you may have with yourself.

    You are not asking for more.

    I didn't get more from my family of origin.

    I got more from myself.

    With that, came boundaries and expectations for me.

    I began creating an authentic relationship with myself.

    The freedom I have to be me, say what I need to say, do what I need to do, and allows others to do the same.

    I no longer wait for a phone call that didn't want to be made.

    Nor, do I wait for a caring mother.

    I mothered Me.

    If you haven't questioned yourself or are curious as to why you do what you do, I highly suggest trying.

    Curiosity truly is the entrance to self wisdom.

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  • Filled.

    I heard a common phrase for the first time.

    "Empty words". 

    What struck me was how true the phrase was.

    Words are not always full.

    Of meaning, truth and actions.

    Sometimes they are just letters arranged a certain way. 

    Words without meaning, are meaningless. Empty.

    I used to be a person that didn't look deeply or stare intently at anything.

    Contents didn't matter. 

    Surface did.

    I used to even live a surface life.

    What mattered most, was what people saw.  The outward appearances defined me.

    The facade of life.

    I was an empty word.

    Inside the word woman was a place without meaning.

    I was a composite of the church's beliefs. Sins of what not to do, caged me.

    I think you could almost see the strings that bound me.

    The word woman, as it pertained to me, was void of anything of value, color, desire, truthfulness, authenticity, empowerment, freedom, love, peace and joy.

    I was a very controlled limited surface woman.

    No deep diving into the word was necessary.

    I was defined by my religion – first and for most.

    And, the dysfunctional part, due to abuse, held me tight control.  Others, may lose control completely, but mine was displayed by the lack of freedom to be…Me.

    Perhaps the empty word woman, was more filled with the abused affects.

    I was a woman, but I didn't control me.

    I was, a dutiful daughter, a submissive wife, a friend to everyone – disloyal to me.

    Once I fully inhabited the word woman, I became to inhabit other words as well.

    Or, I guess, I brought my lady to all aspects of my life.

    She was no longer eager to be controlled, or abiding or dutiful. She was free.

    And, she used her free will.

    She set up boundaries and began to form herself.

    The difference between the woman I was, and the woman I have become is like a black and white drawing and one of many colors.  A picture in the lines and one who dares go beyond the behaviors of conformity.

    I believe, that if you are a woman of depth and substance, you will bring her to all your other identifying words.  Just as an empty woman brings that.

    Nothing of her.

    I recall, shortly after breaking free of denial, I looked around my house and knew it wasn't me who had decorated it.  I was nowhere to be seen.

    In the beginning it was terrifying to see me nowhere and then equally exhilarating to begin adding me into my life.

    I had woke up from denying me.

    The empty woman was filling up.

    And, I feel that I have come a long way, but each new experience, new boundary I place I am creating and adding to the woman Me.

    The fuller I am, the less I worry about how others see me.

    There truly is freedom, beyond the good opinion of others.

    What they think of me IS THEIR business, not mine.

    When you are a codependent woman, others matter. For you are not free. You are entangled in their worlds to get your meaning and to feel complete.

    I unplugged everyone a long time ago.

    I am solely responsible for my happiness, my love, my joy and Peace.

    I dove deeply into my tangled mess of abuse and have create a space within now that is full of what I feel rings true for me.  

    My content is full of Me.

    Empty now of religion and its droning.

    Silent of my dysfunctional family's shame and guilt.

    I can see why the spiritual teachers use the analogy of a cocoon and butterfly.

    For that truly is how it feels.

    From the dark confines of controlled fear into the wide open spaces of being free.

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    Each choice we make, each step we take, will either empty the word woman out or fill her up. 

    I have been ridiculed, shunned and turned away from, as I walked a completely different walk after denial. And, there is nothing I would trade for my journey now.

    I am who I am, because of all who turned away.

    Each added a new brilliant defining aspect of Me.

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    My Lady in my Art depicts, strong, free, adventurous, determined, daring, empowered, delightful, serene, peaceful, loving – the word woman- Filled.

     

  • IMG_8626

    I woke up to a faint blush in the sky and decided to go out and be with the sunrise.

    It was so peaceful, quiet, and beautiful.  Only a few dog walkers and I were witness to this display.

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    Each time I turned, another artful view I captured.

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    And, our day continued with more to see, experience and enjoy.

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    As we were on the Ferry, heading to Madeline Island, my husband said, "It is hard to believe that part of the world is having a hurricane, while we have this.

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    I agreed and told him I had thought the very same thing during my sunrise experience.

    While pondering that thought, it came to me, that we often make our self sad by imagining the hurricane, while being in the opposite. When we are in a place of pure beauty and with someone we love, in complete harmony.  

    We interrupt our peace and go into the thoughts of imagining the storms.

    I then, thought, it was our responsibility to enjoy the peace in our present. To be joy in this moment of time.  It would not lessen the storm for me to be sad; but instead insult the beauty I was surrounded with.

    I was going to be joy. 

    Be peace and feel love on so many levels.

    In the balance of storms of life, I was representing the joy side. And, I was doing it well.

    I soaked up art and nature with someone I love.

    We explored an island and sought out things I loved.

    I stopped and took the picture.  Got out of the Jeep and got up close to things that excited me.  I visited with gallery and studio owners and artists.  My eyes were filled with so much that I loved!

    Sometimes in life, we are in a storm.  Our worlds and emotions are fraught with anxiety and angst.  We learn there.  About ourselves and others. We are often made to choose things to let go of and what to hang on to.  In the moments of storms we grow.

    And, when the storm passes, we are more aware of the beauty that surrounds us. Our emotions are raw and in tune with what is.

    I know the storm.  And, it has made me more aware of the joys of life.

    As Byron Katie says, "It is not my time to suffer."

    Yesterday wasn't my time to suffer.

    It was my time to be the joy in the world.

    The energy I added was infused with love, art, beauty, joy, gratitude and awe!

    It would not have served anyone for me to have been sad on my glorious day.

    I know, that those in the storm, will be different people when they exit it, compared to the ones who walked into it.  It is my hope that they too will be more aware, in tune with emotions and beholders of beauty.

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  • Listening to the mind.

    Life is broken down into our perception and reality.  One doesn't depend upon the other.

    Yet, our lives are dictated by our perceptions much more than they are by reality.

    More often, we can disregard reality and live a life a few feet from what is.

     

    I am wondering if stress and anxiety arise much more from our perceptions than from what is actually going on.

    That in our minds we create a whole world that doesn't exist.

    I have been almost void of anxiety and stress since I left my mind.

    And, when my body feels anxious and stressful, I am usually going into a pretend world.

    Where my thoughts make stuff up.

    Things that could happen, or should have happened or what might occur. Rarely am I stressed about what is.

    If I am, I am fighting with it.

    I have learned the hard way, it is better to live in love with reality.

    To stay here now.

    No matter what is arising, it will be less stressful than wishing it wasn't happening.

    You can't do anything within the walls of your thoughts.

    It is an endless loop where no action can happen.

    The only place you can make a move is in the present.

    You can't unchange the past – nor make creative steps in the future.

    There are no relationship movements in the past or in the future or outside of reality.

    The mind believes it has a world and choices outside of reality

    It does.

    But, it is fruitless to live there.

    It is a space that is like dreamland.

    Where nothing real exists there.

    What I wasn't aware of, until I left there, was that it wasn't real or really living.

    In that space, in your mind, you are not you.

    You are a thought of you.

    The real you is sitting in the chair, while your mind takes control of your awareness and makes you believe in something that isn't real.

    Something that hasn't happened or cannot happen - because the past can't be changed.

    I believe the greatest efforts of control we can have, IS on being here now.

    Just not succumbing to the cries of our minds.

    To not believe it.

    I would never have thought, that the mind was nothing but a over-talker for reality.

    That it's job was to keep me away from Me and reality.

    "Talk to yourself, instead of listening to yourself," was a line I heard on a podcast.

    That one slight change will change your life.

    I used to, have zero space between what my thoughts said to me. I was all thought.

    Once I was shown in a very dramatic way, that who I thought my life was, and what it really was all about, I went out of my mind.

    And, into reality.

    I then had to keep working to remain here.

    My thoughts often wanted to lure me away, with just one thought. "I wish", or "What if," "He should" "She should" etc.

    The difference between my old way of living and believing, is between my mind and reality.

    The old way, I lived completely in my mind and under the control of a variety of beliefs.

    My new way, is to be in breath of reality.

    To be where my breath is.

    To bring my mind here and have it see reality.

    Instead of having my mind create a overlay upon reality.

    My first brush with reality was horrifying for it showed me all that my mind had covered up.

    I had years to uncover and get right with, and now I am not inclined to look away from reality – ever.

    I feel uncomfortable when my mind tries to lead me away.

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    Reality is where the action is.

    You cannot move in your head – you only think you can.

    I am not sure I can articulate accurately the vast distance between mind and reality and the absence of life being under control of a belief.

    Religions are mostly made up of thoughts.

    Controlled thoughts.

    That can overtake your whole mind and critical thinking and leave you floating above reality in another world.

    Mothers, will mother from a belief – and their natural instincts are null and void.

    A child who doesn't capitulate into the religion, will not be seen, except that they need to come back.  A blind eye is looking at their 'new' life and belief.

    Anything outside of the belief is dark and unreadable.

    I know this, because I came from a dark narrow hallway of a cult like religion. My whole world view was seen through the lens I was born into.  Once the lens broke, I was free.

    It broke when I went out of my mind.

    Reality is. 

    Religion has to be taught.

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    Nature echoes reality or visa versa.

    In yoga, the practice is to bring your mind back to the body.  Our bodies are always in reality no matter where the mind runs to.  

    If you and your mind are with the body, you are in the present.

    I am not sure you can teach bringing the mind back to the body. It is an inside job and the willpower or strength will be – between you and your mind.

    Try talking to you, instead of listening to the mind.

  • Rising within you.

     

    How do we listen? 

    And, what changes within us as we hear words?

    Is there a change?

    Does it depend upon the subject OR how open we are to hear?

    Can you change someone's opinion or beliefs by what you say?

    In my experience of exchanging words with folks from my old church, is not so much what they can hear; but what I say and then my expectations.

    I think, I thought, that depending upon what I said, it would sway them.

    I am wrong.

    Completely.

    I have changed; but not by the outside, but rather my inside. "Something" within me is different. 

    It allows me to hear differently and see things I was unable to see before.

    That "Something" can be called soul, truth, awareness, consciousness or Me.

    Prior to the "Something" – I wasn't aware that I had a choice, or a voice.

    I was part of something; but not separate.

    I thought as part of a group.

    Moved as part of a group.

    Spoke from their position on things.

    I wasn't free to step outside and be different.

    Afraid to, even.

    But unaware that I was unaware.

    I didn't know I wasn't free.

    I thought I had freely chosen to be part of the group.

    Yet, I was born into captivity.

    Back to listening. I listened, then to what matched my thoughts and beliefs and disregarded the rest as mumbo jumbo.

    Not interested.

    At all.

    I recall, reading authors and having doubts about the group I was in, and feeling anxious that someone would find out.  Know that I was 'cheating' on my religion.  

    When I did something different than my mother, she would belittle my choice, chiding "You think you are better than Me." Mostly in child rearing decisions.

    She didn't know I was moving away from the church and family legacies.

    "Something" within me was no longer a solid member.

    I was beginning to get restless.

    When the truth fell, that my father was a pedophile, the separation happened quickly, where I was now outside of what I had previously stood for.

    The drastic change in direction from being outside of the circle – was completely mind blowing.

    I changed sides.

    It wasn't listening to the outside words, so much as listening to my restless self. Giving credence to my doubts and fears, that had softened me up to be able to easily transition to outside the circle.

    It wasn't easy to be this new me, but the transition was fast and complete for me.

    Being this new me, had me now listening differently. I listened from inside of me and honored and respected Me, where before it was all about the support of the group/family.

    What I am now noting, is that we change from the inside out.

    No matter how many words I can creatively articulate, I will not change someone's life into a new direction. Gratefully so, they will move from within.

    It isn't up to me to change anyone.

    Change occurs when the people are ready and not a moment before.

    I used to think, that what I wrote, would/could/should change how someone thought of things. Again, thankfully that isn't my job.  For so far, I am a complete failure on this.

    IF, I could have changed folks, my family of origin, would have been my first changes.

    Just as I don't want others to have the power to change me, I don't want to change them.

    Back to why we listen.

    I am not certain anymore.

    It won't change folks.

    And, more often than not, it wastes our time.

    I do think, there are folks who can get others under their mind control. Just as I was once under the control of a religion.  It was fear based and I was born into this belief system and taught the ropes of what it believed.  

    To me now, I see my early years of being schooled by religion as a journey away from me.

    I have seen others become aware and then go back to their old comfortable unconsciousness.

    I can't know their journey and/or lessons.

    I can write to explain me to me and perhaps for others to see themselves in me. But, I am so grateful my journey isn't one where I change direction for others.

    It would be for me to get in front of their souls.

    I have too much respect for the spiritual journey to get involved in what is good for their soul.

    So, I am not sure what now to write or say to the old members of the church who want to be 'kind' and listen to me. 

    To what end?

    It will not change me; or them.

    Which is equally true for what is going on in the world.

    Mostly, what we can do is be ourselves and the best version of that.

    Grow and widen our own beliefs and challenge what we have been taught to believe.

    The more free we are to make choices, the more we allow others to make theirs.

    The more we love ourselves, the more we can accept others.

    Listen to your own actions and feelings.

    Follow what you yearn for.

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    Accept our difference as being unique and individual expressions of you.

    Listen to what is rising within you.

     

    Only fear marches a protest to change someone else.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Match Reality

    When a breech in a relationship happens, we are often left with wondering what happened. 

    In one long time relationship I had, we lost the same perception.

    In thinking about this, I had to look up the definition of perception.

    "the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses."

    and, "the state of being or process of becoming aware of something through the senses."

    What I didn't know about perception that it used our bodies/senses.

    There is also this "a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression."

    Perception is a very personal thing, that may or may not have anything to do with reality.

    In the last conversation I had with my mother, she proclaimed that we each had a different perception of my father.

    She was correct.

    But, were there 2 different men?

    How her body sensed him and how mine did, was totally different.

     

    Most of our disagreements come from mismatched perceptions.

    How then, can we work to make them match?

    What is the practice, or art of relating, that can edge each of us closer to having a perception that meets reality?

    What I didn't know, was that the body is as much involved with perception as the mental awareness.

    Perception is a body and mind understanding of reality.

    And, when you have been abused, and your signals are all messed up, it changes the way each of us perceive our worlds.

    This is why it is so hard, at times, to understand, how someone can't see the evil right in front of them.  It isn't that there is no evil; but rather their perception is off.

    I had to work really hard to see things.

    It wasn't a natural act for me.  

    My unnatural abused mind and body read signals incorrectly.  

    I had to find reality by almost disregarding my body and mind.  Yet also listening to my body's feelings deep within.

    I had to explore deeply into my mind, body and soul to find the perception that matched reality.

    Going against my self to find my real sense of reality.

    One of the greatest survival tools we use when abused as children is to leave our realities and create a place that is kinder. We literally change the perception of what is.

    It doesn't change reality.  

    It fakes us out, until we feel safe enough to see the truth of who abused us.

    This ability to 'fake us out' is to believe in a perception that isn't true.

    And, in doing so, places us in a state of denial.

    I know, that it has to be harder to change your perception of someone when that person didn't harm you; but harmed someone you love/know etc. 

    It is to be one stepped removed and our senses are not involved.

    I guess, you have to be able to sense your child's senses.

    As a mother, whose child was abused, she would have to have enough empathy to be able to feel the child's pain, in order to change her perception of her abusive husband.

    If not, like my mother, she will hold on to her original perception of her husband; and not see the pain of her child.

    Perceptions can change and in doing so, change relationships; when our perceptions don't match.

    Seeing eye to eye, is more about sensing life in the same way.  When our senses don't match, we don't relate to reality the same way.

    It isn't that there are multiple realities; or I guess there are.  Each of us sees the world with our own senses, and responds in kind.

    This so explains the unexplainable behaviors.  

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    We focus on what we sense; and not so much on what there is to see.

    Which is why, your perception of me, has nothing to do with me.  You are in charge of your perception and how it matches up with the reality of what is.

    I love this.  

    For it explains the many different responses to one reality.

    Perception is fickle and unreliable; for it truly lives in the eye of the beholder or in your ability to be aware, through your senses.

    What you see or sense about me, has nothing to do with me.  

    There are as many different versions of me as their are peoples perceptions.

    And, none of them matter, as much as how I perceive myself.

    Am I honest with me, and what I feel, and authentic with my actions?

    All that truly matters at the end of the day, is am I true to me?

    The greatest strength to have is to be able to stand by your perceptions, especially when they don't match others; BUT match reality.