Author: bjukuri

I felt the release from expectations this morning; that today could just be today.  It arrived as a blank slate and wasn't expecting anything from me.  The expectations of Christmas that held me prisoner were dropped.

I just don't believe Christmas ever intended to hold us hostage; but we have been taught to do certain things on Christmas.

The very expectations of christmas can ruin christmas.

What are these expectations and who designed them?

The reason I may have noticed this yesterday, was we had a non-traditional Christmas, due to family members not making it here or working.  It left the day partially used up by Christmas and the rest wide open.

Now what?

For the past many years, Sundays are without expectations too. I can be and do what I want all day on Sunday.  Expectation less Sundays!

Our different Christmas had me unprepared for the wide open spaces.  I didn't really know what to do with them.

So, I went out on my snowshoes. 

Then it felt like a regular day.

Too regular?

Am I not supposed to do Christmas things?

What are Christmas things, when the family exchange and sharing of food has passed?

Today, I thought, I should have treated it like my usual Sundays.

Do what I love.

Isn't that the spirit of Christmas?

Love?

If so, I have Christmas all year long.

It was good to experience the feelings of expectations and how they steal your freedom.

IF I hadn't known it was Christmas, I would have filled my day doing things I wanted to do.  Non-Christmas like things.  Things that others don't typically do on Christmas.

Maybe the biggest gift I received was the freedom from expectations.

Knowing I was the one who gave it power.  

Expectations are thoughts in our heads.

Not real, 

not love,

not free to be me.

The spirit of christmas is giving.

I am giving me the freedom from expectations on holidays.

Taking my power back.

To be non-traditional.

Releasing Christmas from the expectations that don't fit the present moment.

Stop trying to conform to an idea or image…a thought.

Letting me do what inspires me in the moment.

The Art of Celebrating what IS.

Children don't try and fit into Christmas; they just naturally fit.

I will too.  Doing what I love to do!

You simply can't have holidays without family and thinking about family.  Which I believe is why the holidays are so stressful.  It makes you look at what you have or don't have.

There is a joining of two forces; those who are no longer here and those that are.

Clashing inside are the opposing emotions.

Torn by their insistence to be heard.

My mind can easily get drawn into the twisted mess of estrangement; eclipsing the calm beauty of my children and our world.

The christmas carols bring with them ghosts from the past.  The wishes of things being different.  And, I have to keep my focus on the reality at hand. Grateful that I can celebrate the songs; truly.

I do have the silent night, holy night.  

and, peace and love in my relationships.

What I have found is the more rested I am the easier it is to not succumb to the negative slides backwards.   I can breathe in this moment of time.

My lights.

The gifts I will be giving.

My heartfelt wishes of goodwill to men…and women. To have the courage to say and be You!

Merry in your soul!

I created a quilt yesterday, of ladies in a circle – a women's group.  Which has led me to wonder about why we gather in clumps?

Synonyms to the word group are "category, class, classification, grouping, set, lot, bunch, bracket, type, sort, variety, kind, species, genus, breed."

And, the old adage, "birds of a feather flock together" also comes to mind.

As I dialogued with a sister of long ago, there seemed to be two distinct sides or I guess groups. 

One set has boundaries and the other does not.

Conditions within relationships and then unconditional.

Both believe in their love.

I then wondered about the energies of groups and what groups offer the individual?

And, further, what kinds of groups I am now included in, and what sorts I have left, because my inner rules (boundaries) have changed.

I am very suspect of individuals who have not changed groups in their lifetime.  Can you grow and evolve and learn clumped in the same groups you were born into?

I wonder if there are two kinds of groups; one where the individual IS made to outgrow its boundaries and the other that holds to contain them?

Are there groups that grow and evolve together and then groups that need nothing to change?

Can there be a group of individuals whose strength is their diversity?

I have been part of groups where the sameness was its strength, where blindness was needed, groups where my self and different opinion wasn't welcomed.

Coming from two very dysfunctional groups; family and religion, I am discerning who I am lumped together with. Who I join and for what reasons.

My old self needed like minded people who didn't have a gauge on themselves and reality.  It fit my denial.

The new me, feels the best with people who see not only themselves but the facts in their lives.  Who strive for authenticity and being themselves.  

We gather in circles for all types of reasons.

My class of ladies are badasses.  Rebels with courage.  Who dare to do what's right even when it isn't popular.  They let love go when it turns to abuse. Those who love themselves enough to stand alone.  Who have boundaries full of respect and self-kindness. Those who have felt deep darkness, pain, loss and who have decide to go on.

A circle of semi-colon ladies!

Ladies who have decide, that no matter what life has thrown at them, they deal, heal and gather their new found strengths and walk on.

To love harder, deeper and with more courage.

Being free, spirited, with grace.

Women who take responsibility for their choices and vow to chose differently the next time around.  Who learn the tough lessons by living from the inside out.

Badass women who are strong of self, and gather to cheer each other on as each faces a new life challenge.  

Each of us showing courage, strength when we stumble; we make it part of the dance!

A circle of badass women!

Doing what we do!

We chose not the easy path but the one that grows our soul!

I had to look up "Badass".

"a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person."

Hmmm, I guess when it comes to defending our self, respect, love and empowerment.

I can be that.

Thats a woman I can cheer!

Badass Circle.

What is the cost of Fear?  What really happens in your life when you are in the fear thinking mode? Or, when you allow fear to have its way with you?  Do you know the cost in your life of fear.  What do you fear and why?

I had never thought of fear taking things.

I had thought of fear preventing things or keeping someone safe and comfortable; but I had never thought of the literal cost of fear.

What it steals from you.

Time. 

How much time has been wasted on fear?

How many adventures have you said no to?

Imagine your life without listening to the voices of fear.

What would happen in your life if you leaned in closer to the voice of courage.

Bravery,

Curiosity,

Inspiration,

Creativity,

Challenges,

New ideas,

New ways,

Different ways or choices,

What would happen to fear if you left it alone?

Fear is actually a waste of time.

Fear uses your time up.

Fear sits in place if you allow it.

Fear isn't really real.

It is imaginations. And, as I read some where, it is a poor way to use your imagination.

My word for next year is Dare.

I am thinking it is the opposite of fear.

Dare – I looked up the definition. "Having the courage to do something."

Perhaps having the courage to live my life as fully as possible.

Without fear isn't what fearless is.  It is to be in fear and do it anyway.

To dare to be you, no matter the cost.

Fear will steal your life away, minute by minute, adventure lost by adventure lost.

Today, have the courage to say No to fear!

Time is happening now.

Life is happening in this moment of time.

What are you allowing to take up your time?

Go in a new direction; away from fear!

We all have dates we remember, dates that can be celebratory and dates that can bring sorrow with reflection. Dates, marks of time, moments where our lives held significant changes.  

We give these days power…or try to control ourselves as they approach.

Today is December 4th.  The day I heard truth spoken about secrets; dark secrets.

A day I was able to bring in all of reality- denial was broke.

It calculates the amount of time that has passed.

The start perhaps of a trail of sorrow.

Or, the journey of learning.

I can look upon it with eyes of what I have lost.

And do at times.

Mostly, I am grateful for what I have gained.

My inner transformation has created a person whom I am very comfortable being.

As the space expands into another year, the distance between my old self and new grows larger.  As does, who I was, compared to who I am.

I look at the passage of time and it does seem incredible that I am no longer part of my family and haven't been for roughly 12 years. That is insane.

On NPR, a conversation was about a soldier and how he was able to tell stories of his time at war.  Whether he would tell the real truth or a proxy story.  To make others more comfortable, he would tell a proxy story instead of what really happened.

This struck me.

How often do we live by proxy…to make others more comfortable so not lose a friendship or face the consequences of the truth?

Imagine a world where truth is celebrated heard and accepted, no matter its content.

I believe, that so many suffer due to not being able to be their truths.

In the past 12 years, I have had to allow all truths to enter into my space; not just the easy ones or the ones that reflected well upon me.  Nothing was off limits.  My denial recovery depends on my ability and desire to be present with what is.

My true self comes naturally with plus and minuses.

Ups and downs.

Highs and lows.

Sorrows and joys.

There is no part that has to be kept hidden and separated.

As the season of family is in full throttle, I could get depressed and overwhelmed with my losses.  In the past, this time was the hardest.  Now, I am used to being separated.

Being different then the rest.

Removed from the family exchanges.

The distance and time has made them dimmer.

Their lives have gone on…and changed.  

I have lost touch. 

The loss is of something I don't know now.

It is no longer a new loss.

It is a fading memory.

Time does heal by gathering more now times in its place.

I am a ghost in their worlds.

And, they in mine.

Time passes, people change, distance steps in, hearts heal, lives grow and expand with new experiences. 

The estranged create a new world where the loss grows smaller with time.

Unlike death. We don't strive to include remembrances. 

We seek to fill the holes.

Changing the patterns of abuse into new self loving ways.

I feel successful as a past victim of abuse.

I have left the legacy of abuse behind and all its trimmings.

I may be standing alone, but I am not passing on the torch of denial, which is the key component to abuse.

Celebrating 12 years denial free!