I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • There But Not There

    I heard about Ambiguous Loss and Ambiguous Grief today and even the myth of closure, when it comes to death in its various forms. (Pauline Boss)

    The death that I am referring to is the death of a relationship. 

    When it comes to estrangement, ambiguity is its energy completely.

    She spoke about holding two different beliefs at the same time.

    For me it is folks are here and yet gone.

    They are living but our relationship is dead.

    I can't hold just one side.

    I have to carry two.

    Gone and Here.

    Nothing is certain or inexactness.

    And, I think this is for both sides. I don't think it matters who left the relationship just that we both are now no longer in one…yet we are all here.  Alive and, perhaps some of us, grieving its loss.

    We are on Facebook and some will "like" and message, EVEN if in real life we have no contact.  So, there is very weird contact.

    There are more uncertain things, than certain, when it comes to estrangement. 

    Often, the estrangement is over truth. One side wants to embrace it and the other wants to continue to live in the imaginary world.  Pete Rollins speaks of the "Ideal Image" on a podcast with Rob Bell.  (I am Totally enjoying these podcasts)

    Each of us have an idealized image of themselves and the rest of us either support or break that image, often with the truth.  Even how we curate our Facebook pages show an airbrushed version of our lives and who we are.  

    In my estranged relationship, I feel that one side is an airbrushed image of family, while I sit on the untouched up version.  And, I also believe that some feel with time, my untouched version will start to be airbrushed to match theirs. That over time, I will mellow and capitulate my unvarnished truths.

    With the ambiguity of estrangement, how do we live with the gone now showing up in various forms.

    I have had the experience in the past few weeks of comments on Facebook, to Likes, and messages.  I have had a near miss encounter on a beach where my sisters, a brother and mother were on the same day and time as I was.  I didn't see them; but one saw me. I have received a postcard; again….from my mother.

    What is the message of the Universe that they seem to be circling closer to my peace?

    Are they testing the waters to see if my truth has changed – like it can?

    Am I to take stock yet again?

    I feel powerless and violated by their intrusions, even if they were by accident.

    To be seen but not know it.

    For them to feel it is their right, which I guess it is, to tap into my world from time to time.

    To drop notes on postcards, you can't "Returned to Sender" and the words are read before you can even blink.

    I truly don't get why it seems they brush against me from time to time.

    Even my father's victims are often shopping when I am.  In the Dentist and diners. 

    Am I the one who expects finality and a complete exit when it is impossible?

    That has to be right. I want finite when ambiguity is what it is.

    I have to become accepting and obliging to the ambiguity of the gone appearing.

    Of the silent speaking.

    The author Pauline speaks of how hard it is to grieve ambiguity, for it isn't even gone gone.  It is gone and then there.  Or gone for now… but maybe will appear later, one day.

    And closure, forget about it. It will not happen ever.  For you would have to forget you ever had a relationship and that can't be.  You had one.  You parted ways.  It was either your image that was being threatened or you were the truth bearer. How can you close a relationship that was open?  It is open.  Just for some of us, it is a gone and then here, kind of on and off again, see and not seen relationship.

    Here is what I am just now seeing as I write this.  

    Ambiguity IS estrangement with alive people.  

    You will have near misses.

    And perhaps moments where you do feel the need to reach out and do.  

    It is the total flavor of ambiguity.  

    Somehow, I am sure, I believed that my resolute stance on the truth would be equalled on their side.  

    Oh, I understand, they may be ambiguous about where they are or even who.

    While I am certain of a few things.

    I am certain that I was in denial and now I am not.

    I am learning daily who I am and willing to explore deeper and wider to understand different facets of estrangement…as well as myself and life.

    I am even willing to be unknowing of who I am or who I will become – for I am unfolding daily.

    It seems to me, that they are very sure of family and love and their image.  Regardless if it misses a few integral sections of life.

    My estrangement with them, is more about who we are as individuals and what our content is and how much we are willing to leave in its raw form…or how much some  want to cover up the unsightly blemishes.

    I see them as a painter painting over reality to keep an image they need.

    I know, for me, when I stopped painting reality revealed itself.

    It was and often is messy – but it is life at its rawest.

    Ambiguity is what I need to embrace and learn to love and find peace with and give up any idea of closure – even if it was a subconscious desire.

    It is right and normal for this to pop up at my work

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    flinging me backwards into crux of my estrangement with my mother.

    I still wonder what she forgives me for.

    I wonder if she knows what she is asking me to forgive her for – it is so generic.

    And I love you always forever.  She too believes in finite.

    I wonder if love itself is ambiguous?

    Can there be a forever type of love?

    Or, an always?

    Do we as humans feel better in the finite and certain linear ideals?

    What does it mean when her love for me never changes?  

    Was that the same kind of love she had for my father?

    I wonder what I love without ambiguity?

    Perhaps the truth or reality.

    What I love most about this post is that I am no longer feeling like "it shouldn't be happening" or that I must make them do this or that.  

    I was only violated by my belief that estrangement would not be ambiguous.

    My experience of estrangement is that it is totally full of ambiguity.

    The Universe choreographed the perfect weeks for me to see and understand the tone of estrangement and to set them all free to contact me or not.

    Estrangement was never mine to control in the first place.

    All I have ever done is follow where my truth led.

    And they all make moves based on where they are and what they need and what image they need to hold.

    They are and have always been free to move on their own free will.

    It is mine to respond or allow it to be.

    I don't have the power to wipe away my mother's faults.

    I am not withholding.

    Her faults are hers to deal with.

    All I can manage and course correct, are my own.

    Rob Bell talked about forgiveness too.

    And, from his example, I believe that I have forgiven my mother.

    I do not hold anger for her.

    What I know and see and have experienced, is that her faith speaks to me before a mother.  Do you hear that?

    In the post card, her Faith is speaking to me first…and it is much more important than our relationship of mother/daughter.  

    Who I would be dialoguing with is her Faith – not my mother.

    My mother is hiding far behind the Faith Wall.

    I can forgive my mother for she is blinded with faith, like I used to be.

    And, I refuse to reconnect with a Faith.

    Especially that Faith.

    And, I am eternally grateful that my faith wall fell to the ground. And, that I stood naked and in shock that there was actually a Being there.

    A Me, who I had never met.

    How can I begin to begin to explain this to her as she(her faith) ask me to forgive.

    The woman I cannot reach is behind the wall.

    Another ambiguity.

    There but not there.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • I Live My Life in Widening Circles!

    "I live my life in widening circles
    that reach out across the world.
    I may not complete this last one
    but I give myself to it."  

    Rainer Marie Rilke

     

    I heard this on a podcast with Joanna Macy.  What I love most are the first 7 words.  I can envision these on a fun quilt!

    I live my life in widening circles! 

    The changes in my life has broaden the girth of my circles; encompassing new experiences I would never have imagined!

    I love that my circles are still growing wider!  Oh, what will they include next?

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    Last night I rode on my first group ride. I liked it. It was silent. I liked that too.

    The solemness of so many whirling tires and the low sounds of gears shifting while we all pedaled on…in quiet communion, to ride with those who have died or been injured, was peaceful. 

    My circles grew last night.

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    A comment was made "I don't know if I have the courage to ride that ride…"  And, I said, you don't come with courage, you get courage AFTER the ride.  Look at our "after the race" faces, each of us added a bit of courage to our lives!  We did it!

    When you think of trying something new, think of how your life circle will grow, what it will now include and where it will bring you, who you will meet and how you will learn.

    I love this idea so much.

     

    I want my circle to be flexible and stretchy!

    When I think of the difference between "I live my life in widening circles" compared to the teachings of the church it is the opposite.

    We were taught to believe in a very small circle of beliefs and thoughts. And, very few people could fit into that circle.  In fact, more were excluded than included.

    No wonder I love, and even live, this new widening circle life!

    I come from the deeply rutted circle of a strict religion and dysfunctional family. Both are very closed small circles where there is no wiggle room to widen your choices.  

    And, each exclude different thoughts, beliefs and ways of life.

    Which is why I am no longer a member of religion nor a family member.

    I expanded and changed beyond what their circles could hold.

    My new motto "I live my life in widening circles"!

     

     

  • Peace Inside!

    More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant.

    "When you don't trust yourself, you become a victim of circumstances and time. You will miss the learning for mental, emotional, and spiritual growth and the details of your personal and unique healing process.  Without self-trust you will underutilize your personal power to make choices and facilitate change. When you don't trust yourself, life will become a treadmill of problems, difficulties, and challenges that you don't understand, fail to recognize, and become exhausted trying to manage or avoid. When you don't trust yourself, you will deny, diminish or dismiss your own voice.  This makes it highly unlikely that others will hear you when you try to speak up for yourself. When you don't trust yourself, you will become your own worst enemy, fighting against yourself and blaming everyone else for your perceived lack of power, choice and capacity to create or re-create your own reality."

    "When you don't trust yourself, you are prone to giving too much, accepting way less than you desire or deserve, and repeating that experience over and over until the lack of trust becomes the loss of disrespect. When you don't trust yourself, you issue an energetic invitation for others to walk over you, to run amuck in your life, and actually to do to you the very thing you are unwilling to admit that you're doing to yourself."  Iyanla

    I love this, because we often speak of loving ourselves and wonder just how do we do that. 

    How about trust?

    Do you trust yourself?

    And, if you don't trust yourself, who or what do you trust?

    It almost is more clear in how to trust yourself when she speaks of NOT trusting yourself.

    Here is another small piece I highlighted.

    "There is, however, a caveat when it comes to trusting others. You must make a distinction between an unwillingness to trust and the wisdom NOT to trust under certain circumstances. You must also make a distinction between not trusting people without a reason and not trusting people because they have demonstrated that they are untrustworthy."  Iyanla

    Bring your awareness, and experience, and believe it.  Don't let others define what you already know.

    There is a huge cost when we don't trust ourselves.  

    The cost is being you.

    Trust that what you feel is real.

    Your body never lies.

    Trust that your life will respond to your authentic nature.

    We have been taught to appease others while disappointing ourselves…and that is kindness.

    It is not.

    There cannot be self-love without first trusting You.

    It is in all the small ways we have been schooled on being nice.

    What they really were teaching was to disregard yourself in order to keep outward peace.

    It is time to make peace inside!

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  • The Way Out

    In listening to the book, "Ghost Boy" by Martin Pistorius, I had so many moments of incredulousness. 

    First, after not being able to communicate, when he finally did, he didn't know that others could choose not to listen.  

    He had thought, IF I could only speak, others would hear.

    Words spoken have nothing to do with the listening ear.

    The listening person has a set perspective they may not be able to change.

    While I have a voice, and a body that moves, my words often useless.

    Like gibberish flowing forth.

    What I also envisioned were so many whose lives looked like Martin's body.

    Stuck; unmoving. 

    Even perhaps how they would like to move and change, but remain frozen in their life station.

    Whether it be stuck in a strict religion or in a life where they feel unable to do as they wish.

    How many of us are really free – body, mind and soul?

    How many of us authentically live and speak?

    While he had physical limitations and for many years unable to communicate, we are in essence free; but just as stuck as he was.

    While he was thought to be a vegetable, others did horrible things to him, in front of him and at him.  He was aware; but unmovable.

    He couldn't get himself out of harms way.

    And, yet we have words and mobility and often remain locked in a wall-less prison.

    It is incredible what the mind can do and what fear or affects of abuse is capable of rendering useless in our worlds.

    The fear and sorrow I see when others are unable to be truthfully free…leaves me breathless.

    How it appears to be easier to remain stuck, than it is to walk through the fear in the mind…to a life of free choice.

    While he literally was frozen in body and NOT mind.  I know that the world is made up of people who are the exact opposite. Their minds will not allow their  bodies to move in new circles. 

    Even with voices, they are not able to voice new choices.

    To say "No" to someone or to say "Yes" to something new.

    In reading this book, I can see how many take for granted the ability of free will, free speech and freedom to move.  To express, to feel and engage in life with the unique signature of your very own soul.

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    I love this sign.  "Do Not Anchor".

    Many of us never leave the harbor of our childhood – its religion and circle of family.  Our soul is captured at birth and never released.

    Being free of mind, body and soul is our birthright.

    It is our journey to set our self free.

    I see my first 46 years of being trapped alive in denial

    yet, unaware that I was.

    Now that I know, I can't ever go back to allowing others to be the leader or director in my life.  Or to have fear stand in the way.

    Breaking the frozen paralyzing immobility isn't easy.

    You will be stiff and uncomfortable and rusty.

    It will be hard to pull back your life from others.

    However, when you can dance freely in words and actions; there is nothing to compare it to. To pull up anchor and sail away…

    It is like breathing or not breathing.

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    We are the ones who move our shadows.

    Do not allow them to be locked in the prison of our fears!

    Dare to speak, even when your legs shake or your voice is weak with fear.

    It is the way out!

  • WIND

    What has WIND brought to me, and what have I brought to WIND?  This is the question we were asked.

    It is incredible to think, that WIND has been around now for 4 years.  It was on August 10, 2012 that Dial Help held their Annual Gala and I was the Keynote Speaker…and my art was beautifully displayed.

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    It was the beginning of WIND and another level of personal growth for me.  I was sharing my story publicly; using my voice for the first time.  A New Direction for sure!

    WIND has been the hum behind me. The women and their untold stories my energy.  My intentions were to speak and open the space for others to follow.

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    And, others did.

    WIND for me has been to give others what was given to me. Art, to offer opportunities for creative choices and to learn to express yourself without fear.

    And, to have others teach what they love…

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    A full circle moment.

    WIND has offered me new experiences, I would not have explored on my own. 

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    Getting outside and enjoying nature and finding out how strong my body is.

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    And, meeting new friends. 

    Spending time with women who are younger and see the world differently.  I love how diverse life is.

    WIND has been part of my life for 4 years…with 5 years just a month away.  It has changed me by doing.

    WIND has to be practiced.  You have to show up. 

    WIND is a movement of personal growth that is only possible to see in hindsight. To see how far you have come.

    The roads travels and the wonderful women along the way.

    Here is to another fun year of adventures and creative fun!

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    WIND – Women In New Directions – If you dare to explore and be you!!!

  • Without Permission.

    It wasn't until the end of the last blog, that I realized the significance of me returning to the little church on Pine Street.  To walk into a place that altered how I viewed myself and the world around me.

    Like the stained glass windows, its preachings colored the way I believed, thought, acted and lived.

    The little child who entered that space didn't have a chance against its teachings.

    I can look back at the young child me, and see how she blindly trusted the things she was told.  It was where she was taught to love and fear God.  Where she discovered she had a sinful body.  Where she lost her sense of self.  

    Imagine, a church that steals innocence!

    She walked in through those doors with nothing to compare their words to. She had no experience, nor the freedom to doubt. For, to doubt their words and preachings, was a sin….too.

    It is no wonder, I was brainwashed, I was too little and had no choice but to follow along.  

    The significance of shutting out TV and the "world" and its contrasting words, was the only way to keep us in the dark.  I also heard today, of how fear is a way to control people.  

    I see my young self too afraid not to follow along.

    Fear of dying in sin and going to hell.

    Fear replaced my sense of curiosity and open-mindedness.

    My world shrank to fit in that narrow minded religion.

    And, I didn't venture out until my world fell apart.

    It is hard to comprehend the magnitude of these strict religions.

    And, not so hard to see, how unmoving they all now are when anything speaks outside of that religion. Words, actions and deeds are not recognized unless they are sanctioned by the church.

    They literally will not move unless told to do so.

    OR, until they too suffer a mind-altering event, where truth shatters this mind controlling religion.  When truth shines so brightly, even the mind can't help but see beyond programmed words.

    I didn't set out to un-program my mind.

    But once I saw the colored glass of its deception, I no longer could pretend to pretend to believe.

    I am not sure I ended up with an open mind, but one that has now experienced being programmed and told what to think and how to act and who to be.

    Given that experience, I am now able to choose to be free.

    Whereas, prior to knowing I was programmed, I was too programmed to know I was programmed. If that makes sense?

    A person unaware doesn't have awareness to see themselves unaware.

    What I felt going back to the little church on Pine Street was MY BRIGHT AWARENESS.  So bright and free and open that there isn't anyone in that little church who could take it away.

    How delightful would it be if churches held each child's innocence and open mind as a thing to protect at all costs, instead of stealing both.

    I can't even be sure most churches are aware of the costs of their religions…

    What made me even more sad today, was that my little girl had nowhere to go that held her innocence as priceless.  In fact, that religion that was preached in that little church on Pine Street, equaled the actions of a dysfunctional home.

    It is no wonder to me, that they match OR that so many homes whose beginnings are formed in this church are steeped in abuse.

    Abuse is what is normal.

    No self.

    No innocence.

    No curiosity and open-mindedness.

    The feelings we were given within that little church of being sinful, unworthy and with a body full of sin, is the same way we are treated as victim of abuse.

    It is our fault.

    We somehow carry forward the shame and guilt.

    Just as the church had us feeling guilt and shame for being sinful.

    I saw that little church and how it worked hand and hand with my incest to keep me miles from myself and seeing my inherent worth.

    Both, to me, hold equal parts of my demise.

    Which is how they fell down almost simultaneously.

    It is my belief, that if you are standing tall with your natural born innocence and intrinsic value you will be repelled from religion.

     

    The circle moment, was for me to enter back into that church under my full power. Nothing could be added to make me more of who I am.  I am complete.

    It was to be complete…to go into 40 years of darkness and to find my way back to the Light.  

    As I stand outside of this cult-like religion – it is I, who is the devil's own, not the church.

    Just as I stand outside of my dysfunctional family as the evil one.

    And, I am a threat to both.

    Free spirit, love of self, sense of worth, open-mindedness, awareness, voice, choice are all threats to keeping their members in the dark and in fear and under control.

    In order for both to work and be seen as value and moral, I must be wrong.

    My experiences of my Self-Worth in both is the true witness.

    Here is my old Art which shows My Lady in her early stages…

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    I loved both of these pieces, and thought how free and flowing they were…

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    And, now my latest work in progress…

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    This says it all.  

     

     

  • I walked into my old church yesterday.  The little one on Pine Street in Hancock.  It felt surreal walking in the small lobby and entering into the little sanctuary.  Seeing the door on the right side of the pulpit where we used to have Sunday School class.  

    All had changed; but remained the same.

    It seemed so very very small.  Just as I was, when I was brought to church.

    My mind was open and aware this time and, without fear.

    I wasn't there to go to church; but to talk.

    With a few ladies.

    A polite conversation about abuse and church people.

    I entered without the bible.

    No phrases or words or sentences did I lean upon.

    Nor, was I a spokesperson for a certain religion and its policies.

    I was just me…without a religious filter ahead of me.

    An old member of this church…and a victim of its teachings and sexual abuse.

    This innocent building with pretty windows and polished floors.

    It was the people who use to own this church who had filled my head.

    My young mind.

    Believing.

    In fear.

    A faith about forgiveness of sins and the fire of Hell if I didn't.  The lies of unworthiness and sin filled body…unsaved sinner.

    Now other people own this church and are teaching others words and sentences.

     I find it peculiar that within confined walls we teach.

    Not out in the wide world of life.

    But words, thoughts and beliefs, papers and books, and authors of eons ago.

    Parts of the conversation was limiting when the bible was expected to fit in.

    Like an exclamation point after a non-religious exclamation point.

    It almost felt like reality wasn't complete with out the good book.

    Old old words to add meaning to today's reality.

    Words from long ago before we were even born or today's troubles even known.

    A voice from legends long ago trying to be "in the know" now.

    A very very long distance generation gap. One that my mind couldn't wrap itself around.

    When you have to use the big book as your reference point can you truly be present?

    I could see a woman who stood behind the bible…faithfully and respectfully…secondary.

    Each time the biblical words tried to make sense of the nowadays, it just seemed out of place to me. 

    The flow of conversation would seem to have bible hiccups…and then we would go on.

    They didn't happen often. 

    I am not sure what I contributed in this church environment, for my experiences were void of biblical content.

    I didn't hand over my sins to Jesus, nor do I feel unworthy and in need of saving.  

    I was complete as I entered and at peace.

    No more God's Peace could be added.

    I wasn't seeking.

    There is a committee and a few of its members are traveling to different church locations, speaking of abuse.  Recognizing that abuse does happen within religions, their parishioners and even within churches…to teach them the signs, and offer solutions.

    They are doing their best to raise awareness and break the silence.

    It is a start.  

    I can't know the way to enter into churches and speak. Nor can I know what the people in the pews need, expect or want when the topic of abuse comes up.

    This isn't an easy when you have to dance around the formalities of their religion.

    What you say and offer, has to fit within the guidelines of church.

    And, I am not sure this will dovetail successfully.

    As a person sitting listening, I was confused.

    There seemed to be a message of the church and then the experiences of the women.

    Not always did they match or even enlighten each other.

    I am just not certain you can religiously heal abuse.

    Or religiously speak of it.

    There almost seems to be an abused person and a religious person wrapped into one.

    And, each of their needs don't meld.

    In fact, I think they are in direct opposition.

    Which makes their job impossible.

    Now that I see this.  I can also see where there were two distinct voices speaking.

    Who do you talk to and how do you silence one while speaking to the other when both occupy one body?

    An incredible feat to be sure.

    My mind is a whirlwind trying to sort this all out.

    It is like there is a religious voice, an abused voice, and an innocent voice all wanting to be seen, heard and acknowledged. Which one is the one who is the one to lead them out?

    Perhaps the little girl who first walked in.

    I know, that at one time, I entered this church completely whole and innocent.  

    And was taught differently…in that little room on the left of the pulpit.

    Just as abused changed me at home. Religion changed me at church.

    It was a full circle moment to go back with my awareness and strong sense of self. My little girl fully grown and whole.

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  • Be Heard.

    "Silent Witnesses".  What a powerful statement.  We are witnesses of many things and often don't see the correlation between the action and the witnessing of it.

    I have been asked to have a conversation with a few people who are working with victims of abuse underneath the umbrella of a very strict religion.  

    What can we possibly say or advise to?

    These victims are very complex and multi-layered in their thought patterns and level of self-awareness as well, as even being open to sounds outside of their said religion.

    Can we really wiggle into their programmed minds in a way that can unhinge years of fear based teaching and give them hope to hang onto?

    Over the past decade, I have seen the affects of not only religious abuse upon them; but the added slap of sexual and physical abuse on individuals and its horrific cost.

    Adult children who are too afraid to live differently than they were raised. Who can't even imagine the freedom of a body let alone their minds.  

    Where do you begin to begin to unravel whole lives lived in such tiny quarters; where they have been unable to make even simple choices that are outside of their church's approval?

    I try and think back to the old me…or even the newly awoken me and wonder what I would have needed.

    What words of wisdom would have helped me back then?

    What would their biggest pain be?

    What is causing them the most suffering…and what was mine?

    Mostly, I recall the fear of the unknown and letting go of all that I had ever known, even about me.

    The fear of the devil and hell, for walking away.  

    And even, the fear of not liking or being okay with the new me and way of life.

    More still, the knowing you can't go back and unknow what you now know.

    Fear of retribution and hostile words for speaking out and standing up.

    Fear of being alone.

    Lots of fears.

    Yet, I was greatly comforted by what I did know and the freedom I was giving myself and the empowering ways I was growing.  For all that I lost, I was always gaining.

    Most of my grief was of what I would no longer be part of with my family.

    My life with them was over.

    But, I was re-birthing Me.

    Undoing and unwinding all the programs I had been taught and much that were woven with the affects of abuse.  My binds were breaking.

    I was different.

    I would be different.

    Or, I would be the silent witness so many were bound on being.

    To be with family. To spare their "Faith".

    The content of a silent witness when abuse is present is to be silent and knowing, to preserve the status quo.

    Again, so what do victims of abuse need?

    A silent witness or one who has stood up and broke the silence

    one who has lost it all to gain herself back.

    To me, life appears to have two paths.  

    One where you are supporting the 'peace' of society…. to go along to get along.

    And the second path is one of self empowering.

    If you look broadly at these two paths only one will be for the happiness and peace of the individual.  The other will be for group mentality.

    Each choice I made reflected what would be good for me OR what would look better for the group at large?

    As I sat with the new found freedom to decide between what I wanted and say what the church wanted, I was amazed how much of myself I had given up to be its member.

    Same goes for family.

    When I was newly set free, it was extremely scary and wildly exhilarating.

    Not knowing who you are or who you will become or even if you can literally survive the unprogramming of the mind and its costs to all your relationships.  I lost more than I would ever imagine and gained equally.

    All I can offer them is my experience of going from total programmed mind and obedient daughter to a free agent.

    One is to be chained and the other unshackled.

    Can you understand freedom IF you never had it?

    Will it not be far more fearful than never knowing freedom?

    You can't miss or pine for what you never tasted.

    I am looking forward to the dialogue and hoping I can shed some light upon this brave adventure to literally talk about abuse within religion.  

    May our conversations be heard!

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  • Your List.

    When it comes to doing things just for your Self or for keeping your word, I believe that women are by far worse at leaving themselves, to take care of others.  It doesn't even matter the date they promised themselves and its value, what seems to matter is that they will go, UNLESS otherwise needed.

    I asked my husband how often his friends have made plans and then cancelled. He said, he couldn't remember a time.

    Women and Men are different in the way they were raised or taught to think about themselves.  As caregivers, women rarely put themselves on the list and will easily fall off the list when 'someone' needs them.

    Most often, women don't feel they have the right to being higher on the list than say children and or grandchildren.  There is a value system and others always are higher.

    What does this do to the inner joy of women?

    Subconsciously there has to be a price we pay for not being in a secure high spot.

    Is there a balance where harmony for all is achievable and what does it look like?

    Can we stake out time and days that are not subject to others needs?

    What do we feel towards women who are not willing to drop everything, each time another's needs arise?

    I have seen 'caregivers' completely drained and lifeless.  Is that love?  Are we meant to love and care until we have no life left?

    My world now includes me.  My dates are very important ones.  Ones I will not change lightly or unless it is an emergency.   I am important to me. My time doing what I love fills me up with life force energy.  

    I am thinking we need to re-define caregiving and what it means to be self-loving.

    I can love you; but it doesn't mean I will leave my life behind to care for you.

    My caring is to show you how to do self care well.

    To ask for what you need.

    Speak up to make your life easier.

    To say no to others in order to say yes to you.

    And, to be worthy of being on the top of your list.

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  • Be You!

     

     

    I think I figured out the reason Cancellation is such a trigger for me.  In the old days when I was separated from me due to religion and abuse, I didn't know how to stand firm for me. The way free from abuse is to have the freedom to choose and to stick to your guns, if you will.  AND, to even spot a Self worthy of freedom, of choice, and a voice.

    Most often, I see the cancellation be for the need of other.  Or, even as some shared, for the mental mind.  It is rarely good for the soul.

    I see freedom of choice and the power to stick to your passions, loves and desires…as embracing the soul of who you are.  The deeper nature of you grows each time you declare this is my moment in time and this is what I choose to do.

    I see the split between what you should do, are expected to do and then what makes your soul sing.  Often cancellations puts your soul on hold.

    I lived separated from mine for 46 years.

    And, the past decade has been spent defining me.

    Does this makes sense to anyone?

    Following your soul or even more importantly, finding who your soul is, means to pay close attention to your actions and words and how you follow through or when and who your veer off course for.

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    Be inspired to be YOU!