I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Feel the Same

    "Not the ones speaking the same language, but the ones sharing the same feeling understand each other."  Rumi

     

    This is a huge clue to the silences I have in my world – we don't share the same feelings.

    I knew it was beyond saying the correct words.

    Or, finding the perfect way to say it.

    And, even the right words with a nice tone and at the right and perfect time.

    It is all about how we feel.

    Feelings are the connectors, not only to our Self; but with others.

    Can you truly understand someone if you don't feel the same way about crucial things?

    The breach grows from feeling differently.

    I looked up Breach just to make sure I understand what it means.

    "an act of breaking or failing to observe a law, agreement, or code of conduct."

    It is the lack of feeling similar about an event or failing to observe it the same way, that puts us at odds with understanding.

    I truly haven't felt violent about our silences; but rather misunderstood.

    Or, the breach may be with my act of breaking the silence, the code or law of family.  I broke with tradition and no longer treated the family as family.  I saw my father as a criminal who perpetrated many acts of violence towards little girls. I saw my mother as an adult who knew and did nothing.  This breach is not accepted by my family.

    Our feelings towards our parents and abuse, is where we parted ways.

    Silence grew from our differences.

    We don't feel the same way, so we don't understand each other.

    In the past there were many behaviors and character traits that I didn't see or feel or concern myself with.  I was lost in denial and detached from my feelings. Anything and everything was okay. Or, could be justified and overlooked. 

    I also had very little self-esteem or self-worth, so my gauge was way off.

    I literally believed to the depth of my being that my mother was a woman of high morals and values. That my old church carried the same.  And, that even I too was one who walked the same path.  Only to find out, that my denial had me unaware of many obscene  behaviors that were buried under the cloak of 'family' and the blessing of sins.

    The more we bless away, the further from the truth we land.

    I think, "Estrangement" would be best defined is the breach of understanding.

    And, when we make a "breach" in the wall of denial about abuse, we are exiting the family and its unwritten rule.

    Perhaps silence is the kindest way to be.

    Today my family of origin celebrate a wedding.

    I will keep away.

    I honor our misunderstandings.

    My feelings, my inner world would not be at peace with them.  My peace is found where I am understood.

    I just love knowing that it is the lack of feeling the same about things, that has us at odds. I truly don't feel a personal violent punishing act of silence towards them.  But that I am very much misunderstood.

    And, that is out of my realm of control or influence.

    I am a peace with myself and with my feelings. And each of them are doing what brings them peace. 

    And, I am sure they too feel misunderstood…by me.

    But, as long as we understand ourselves and are at peace there, nothing else matters.

    We can peacefully get on with our lives; doing what we love and what brings us joy.

    Our silences just show us where we no longer feel the same.

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  • Violent Silence

    Is there a nobel silent space to be; a place where our silence honors us both and it is not a punishing silence?  Is the broken communication a peaceful spot?  What causes the breaks in conversations?  Is it the breach of truth or the fear of truth?

    I am silent with many.

    I have used my words trying to clear up muddy waters, until mud is flung my way.

    If I feel I am being attacked, if our conversation is not gaining ground, if we both are holding rigid to our ends; I end it.  For it is seems like it isn't fruitful or peaceful to engage in the heated exchange.

    Two polar opposites refusing to slide toward the center.

    In fear perhaps.

    Of losing our grip on reality.

    Or self.

    In the past, I have used the punishing silence.  It was my go to tool for anger.

    I don't however feel that in my estrangement with my family it is punishing silence; but rather our mutual agreement that we don't agree.

    That we view the world differently.

    Abuse is handled in different ways.

    We just don't agree.

    The language and actions don't match.

    Our common place is no more.

    I wonder about the meaning of punishing.

    "Physically and Mentally Demanding"

    Wow.

    "Arduous" was another word used.

    It is the demanding part that I feel I am no longer doing.

    Or trying to control anyone.

    My silence, to me, doesn't feel like punishment.  However, I can't know what it feels like to them.

    I do however, know what it is like to be silenced.

    To have someone ask for space from me.

    It does feel like I am being punished.

    So, perhaps my family feels the same from me.

    In my case, I am fairly certain I know why.

    It is my words.

    My views.

    And, my willingness to share how I feel.

    Was I demanding in my conversation?

    Did my truth feel demanding?

    Is that what an argument is…two people demanding that their point be the one we agree upon?

    And, if we can't agree – than silence.

    Punishing Silence – an act of violence.

    Within me, I don't feel violent with my silence.

    I would feel violent IF I broke the space when silence was asked for.

    For, oddly enough, I have asked for space too AND it wasn't honored.

    My boundary of space was trampled on.

    I felt violently attacked by it.

    This is all very interesting for me to ponder.

    Honorable space or violent silence.

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  • Punishing Silence?

    "Steps for Developing Self-Trust" in Iyanla Vanzant's book "Trust".

    Lesson #1: Standing in your truth. You must learn that you can stand in the face of judgment, criticism, correction or rejection without falling apart. Learning to trust yourself means that (a) You will make a mistake, and (b) When you do or even when you do not make a mistake, everyone is not going to agree with how you do what you do; and you will be okay.

    Lesson #2: Speaking your truth.  Speaking from your heart means telling the whole truth about everything, to everyone, about the experience that you have in the moment. Speaking your truth does not mean that someone else's truth must be negated if it is different. This is a good place to consider a "what if." What if you feel the other person is totally and completely off base? What is what she has said or experienced has absolutely nothing to do with you? It matters not!  When you are learning to trust you, it is imperative that in the face of challenge, you default to the belief that what someone is offering is the truth as she knows it or feels it in that moment – even when it makes no sense to you.  Why? Because this is exactly what you are doing, sharing your truth.

    Lesson #3: Being courageously vulnerable.  Speaking from your heart means being willing to be vulnerable.  We have already covered the importance of vulnerability on the journey toward developing self-trust. While the challenge to your speaking, actions or intentions may make you feel vulnerable and bad, you can feel bad and recover if and when you tell the truth. If your desire is really to trust who you are when you are interacting with others, you simply must learn how to be vulnerable and be courageous enough to stand in your vulnerability.

     

    SPEAK YOUR FEELINGS WITHOUT ATTACK

    Very often when people share their experience of us, they do so in a way that feels cold, distant, or just plain old mean. It would be wonderful if we all knew how to share what we need to say layered with compassion and understanding. Often, however, this is not the case. Instead, when it comes to conveying what could be perceived as a negative message, most people will do one of two things: (1) They will not say anything out loud but will instead demonstrate through their behavior that you have somehow caused them displeasure, upset, or anger, or (2) they will blurt out their retribution for your perceived transgression in a way that pierces your heart.

    The first example , "punishing silence," is actually an act of violence. It is violent to withhold information that is required to keep peace in any given situation. In response and in an attempt to restore peace, you will either question your friend, only to get no response, or you will overcompensate with new behaviors and dishonor yourself in the process. In the second scenario, when the information she is blurting out hits your energy field, you will feel you must defend yourself against her attack. This means you will respond to her attack with a counterattack such as name calling, swearing, or digging into your history book and pulling out facts about her tarnished past, whether or not they relate to the issue at hand.  Again, this is all bad behavior.

    In both of the scenarios above, you have a divine opportunity to build your self-trust muscle by sharing compassionately how you feel about what your friend is or is not doing and saying or not saying. The lesson here is to do so without expectations that she will change a single thing! This is your journey.  You are learning to trust yourself, and it has nothing to do with how someone else chooses to respond or not respond.  If you expect her to hear you and shift on a dime, you will fall headfirst into the belief that you were wrong to share what you were feeling.  Sharing your feelings without attacking someone who is behaving badly requires that you take a deep breath and share information. That's it.      Iyanla

     

    This book has been so life affirming to me.  It has given me words that I have tried to articulate in my own journey of trusting me.  While traveling on my truthful journey I have lost many who engaged with me in attack mode.

    I have felt the punishing silence and literally felt attacked. 

    And, in the past, I would have adjusted my behavior or words to ward off the attack.

    On the journey of self-truth and self-trust, it literally would have been dishonoring of me to not speak my truth…regardless of the ridicule and violent acts of silence.

    It is rare to find someone who is willing to dialogue through to a peaceful resolution.  To allow each of you the space to be self-honoring. Where each are allowed their own version of the truth, without the expectations of anyone changing. 

    Here is another section I highlighted further on.

    "When I began the life-transforming work required to heal and learn and grow – to reestablish my value, worth and esteem – I had to teach myself the process of honesty. I learned that being honest was not the same as knowing and telling the truth. I had to learn the Creator's definition of honesty, and I had to teach myself the spiritual imperative of being honest with others and myself at all times, in all circumstances, under all circumstances."

    "Truth is a universal principle. It is based on your awareness that universal principles exist. Universal truth is ever present and consistent through the universe of life; however, you may not be, or in most cases cannot be, fully aware of the totality of all that is true.  What you can do is share the truth as you know it to be: as a function of your awareness, belief, knowledge, and experience in any given moment. This does not alter the universal truth. What it does is it keeps you in alignment with what you know. Now here's the kicker: You can know the truth and still be dishonest."

    "Honesty is determined by your values, by what really matters to you, and by your willingness to stand for those values when no one is looking. Being honest about what you know, need, or feel does not mean you negate what is true to others. They have had a different experience. They may have developed different survival skills than you developed. Honesty is a different animal.  Honesty is about your values and worth, and esteem.  It unfolds in response to your level of awareness, your willingness to honor that which you believe yourself to be, moment by moment. The great thing about honesty is that when you stand in it, you other permission to do the same in your presence."

    "If you are going to trust yourself, you must be honest and honorable at all times, in all situations, under all circumstances.  No matter where you travel on the road of life, trust and truth are what you must learn.  Trust and truth are what you must practice. Trust and truth are what you must do."  Iyanla

    I believe that our awareness of reality, of life, and even of ourselves will dictate how truthful we are.  And, our ability to speak our truth will come, the more we use this muscle.

    My truthful muscle is very strong.

    It was grown equally as my self-trust, worth and esteem have grown.

    As hard as it may be to understand, we need to honor our true feelings and share our experiences of others, IN order to be stronger.  It feels like we may be attacked for doing so…and we may.  But, it is better to be attacked from the outside than from within

    To annihilate yourself to please others.

    Iyanla writes…

    "I have always said that a major portion of my life took place when I was not "at home".  Although I was in my body, I was not present with my thoughts, my feelings, or the places within my consciousness that were in shambles."

    To me, this is so true. When I wasn't speaking my truth I wasn't home in my body.

    I was making choices to please others, to ward of attacks.

    Now, it is imperative that I stay home for me.

    That I don't leave my truth; for no one.

    Regardless of the violent silence that will ensue.

    I am at peace in the home of being Me!

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    My last thought.  I wonder how "asking for space" is different than punishing silence?

     

     

     

  • I am listening to "A Mother's Reckoning – Living In the Aftermath of Tragedy" by Sue Klebold.  The foreword is by Andrew Solomon.

    It is not the book I thought it would be.  It is a book of acceptance and one that challenges us all to consider just how much we know each other.  How much do we hide from others and why even?

    We only think we know someone; but most of us hide our deepest feelings and even experiences that are shameful.  We typically only present the life we think others think we live.

    She is a very brave writer.

    And, an even braver mother.

    She is willing to face more hatred and ridicule for doing what she calls her "moral duty" to share her failings to help another mother and child.

    Many would rather believe that her son came from a terrible home in order to do such horrific things. But, what if he came from a loving home?  This makes any one of us susceptible to this tragedy.

    What happens if there were small signs that his parents didn't see.

    What if a child is capable of hiding a whole other life?

    What if anyone is equally able to only show you what you want to see and not what is truly going on?

    How would we all feel if we were unable to discern the mental breakdown in someone?

    Is it possible that someone can cover up their tracks of deep depression and we not know it?

    Just as it is possible that a huge number of people cover up their abuse and their wounds; can we really really know someone?

    Can we know what pain lies beneath the pretend life of normal?

    What this book is mostly showing me is just how much the folks with mental illnesses, depression, abuse, bullying etc can hide.  And, even more, how those of us who should see don't.

    Who can look back with 20/20 vision and see what wasn't clear back then.

    Even as she struggled with the reality of what her son did, her mind didn't allow it all in.

    How much of our minds are really seeing what is and how much of our minds protect us from what we don't want to know, or are too afraid to know?

    What I failed to appreciate was the great actors and actresses the wounded are.  And, how inept we are at spotting changes, subtle changes that arise after abuse or bullying.

    This is so multilayered, it fascinates me.

    Just as in the abusive homes, there is someone hiding their real darkness and others not wanting to see the signs.

    Who is more the actor?

    What I know, is that showing your true colors and being real isn't the norm.

    The norm is hiding your truths behind a pretend life.

    It isn't any wonder that many can literally hide whole lives in plain view.

    We all do.

    It is just that some are volcanos waiting to explode.

    I ordered the book, because there were so many things I would have loved to highlight while listening to her.  Small phrases that capture the insanity of tragedy and its aftermath, the levels of suffering and how others treat you.  And, how grief is compounded when it is a shameful event.  

    The proper protocol is set aside and you are left trying to find a way forward.

    I love how she is willing to bare it all in order to help us all be spared her pain.  And, even more important, for us to sit with the fact, that it just as easily could be me.

    We all are creatures who tend to hide what hurts and to not see the small nuances of change…for we what we want most is for life to remain unchanged.

    We don't want to know know that our children are in pain, or are suffering.  In a letter that she received another child wrote about protecting her parents. For her parents thought only good things about her.  She didn't want to disappoint them or bring shame into their nice world.

    We are all guilty of this. Of setting the bar too high, that real life can't slip under.

    That we are too afraid to share our darkness to ruin a good relationship.

    I believe everyone should read this book, especially parents.

    Just to remind us just how much we don't know about others.  

    I believe that the more we share, the more real we are, the less we hide ourselves, the more we give permission for others to do the same.  Most don't even know that they hide themselves, that they are keeping a separate self.  But, if you are not open, you are.

    In my experience, many live two lives.

    It is my goal after living in denial to only live one life.

    One that all can see.

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  • On my path!

    Three and a half years ago WIND began. Well actually it happened when I met An-gel.  I was introduced to her by Tom Rosemurgy.  

    The three of us met a few times and shared ideas between the victim, the courts and the helping organizations. I spoke and they listened.  I was affirmed and supported.  I was given the space to grow and to be me without direction.

    In a few short months of meeting them, I was honored at the Dial Help Gala.  This was in August of 2012.   Our first WIND (Women In New Directions) meeting was held in September of that same year.

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    The space they provided is one that WIND uses.  

    Their model became mine. 

    It is hard to articulate the absence of judgment.  Or, the space without strings or direction.  Nothing was expected of me; so I gave them my all.  Mostly they accepted me as Me.  They didn't try to change or fix or correct me. I was perfect – even abused.  I was all right.

    This space isn't natural for many.

    It is hard not to try to sort and fix and change others.  Harder still to see the beauty and not the abuse.

    I was valued, and from that space I was able to step out in public with my head high. I had support.

    Together An-gel and I co-created WIND.

    Women In New Directions.

    She gave me the courage to do for others what had been so healing for me.

    Using Art as a therapy. Creativity as a place to work on choices and to try new things and to learn new techniques.  A space where there are no mistakes or judgments.  A support group disguised as fun!

    An-gel is moving on to another adventure. Her time in our town has passed.  But, not without leaving her mark…WIND.

    She taught me non-judgment.

    Openness.

    To look wider and further.

    We were the complete opposites in so many ways and yet we worked together…the middle must be where we stood.

    Perhaps WIND worked for us too, changing our directions.

    Thank you An-gel.

    Thank you Tom.

    You have no idea what you started when you believed in me.

    WIND continues on.

    Changing.

    Growing.

    The open space where others come…

    To be accepted; just as they are.

    Perfect always.

    Just as you taught me.

    We are not what happened to us. 

    We are the Light beyond.

    We are the inspiration in our art.

    The courage in each new adventure.

    We truly are Women In New Directions; because someone believed we could.

    How lucky am I, that you were on my path!

     

     

     

     

  • Potential of who I am.

    In "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant, there is a segment on "Owning Yourself".

    Just the idea, that we don't own ourselves seems odd.

    If we don't own ourselves, who does?

    Iyanla writes,

    "Once we understand that the voices in our heads have a significant impact on our ability to trust ourselves, it is important to set up a positive voice as your personal default. this means you must develop the habit of speaking kindly to yourself about yourself. We all know someone who consistently, perhaps even unconsciously, puts herself down. You can recognize these people as those speaking with a disclaimer.  Phrases like: "I know I'm going to say this wrong, but…." or, "I know you probably won't believe me, but…: then there's the classic: "I don't really know how to explain myself, but…" When a person begins her communication by making a disclaimer about who she is or what she is about to say, that's a pretty clear sign that self-trust is an issue for her. Disowning yourself is learned or unconscious habit that must be changed if you are to develop a healthy sense of self-trust."

    "Most of the things we do that remind us that we should not, cannot, and do not trust ourselves are unconscious habits. They grow from hidden unhealed feelings and unconscious thoughts. They may also mimic some form of what has been said to us or about us by someone we trusted. A major step toward developing self-trust is to become vigilant and conscious about whether or not the things you think and say about yourself are really accurate rather than simply what you have heard about yourself."

    "If you are a person with the habit of offering a disclaimer, a put-down, or a criticism before you speak, it is important to ask yourself, "Whose voice was that?" Identifying from whom you first hear it can be a major step toward forgiving and releasing the experience, the person, and the voice. When you cannot connect what you say about yourself to an earlier experience, you can still cancel the words as soon as you recognize them by saying, either quietly to yourself or out loud, "Delete. Delete." This releases the energy of the thoughts and the spoken words. It is also a good idea to follow up on the deleted words by replacing them with a positive spoken affirmation that will eventually override the negative programming." Iyanla

    There are many occasions that I do offer up a disclaimer.  Mostly when doing something I am not good at yet.  Instead of saying I am a beginner hiker and biker girl, I say negative things.   

    It is good to have this knowledge; for when you know better you do better.

    I understand that the voices in my head, the ones who are not speaking kindly of me came from what I experienced as a child and even in Sunday School in church, where we were taught that we were intrinsically evil beings; sinful and unworthy.

    How can you possibly have a positive dialogue running in your head when you were taught the opposite as a child?  

    In the correcting of so many untruthful sentiments about humankind and most importantly Me, I have become ostracized by many.

    For the common denominator in both the dysfunctional family and the cult-like strict religion is unworthiness and lack of owning ourselves.

    When you start to change the dialogue in your head and your actions follow; you will no longer be a part of groups whose general theme is unworthiness.

    "Feelings Matter"

    "When you grow up in an atmosphere of negligence, constant criticism, or aggressive correction, it's possible that we'll learn to fear being happy and feeling good about ourselves. Such experiences are unfamiliar. As a result, when we start to feel the energy of joy or happiness we can't trust it or allow ourselves to feel it fully. This is sometimes evident with people who cannot accept compliments for who disaffirm compliments by point out something negative to deflate the offering. Good feelings give us a sense of safety and security that can and do inspire us when we make choices and decisions. When we do not trust our good feelings, we cannot trust ourselves."  Iyanla

    Imagine.  If we do not trust our good feelings, WE CANNOT TRUST OURSELVES!

    I do believe, that it took me until I was a few years beyond 46 to find this to be true.

    I didn't know how to accept the good feelings….for I had not accepted the bad. I was bad and unconsciously expressed that.  I didn't have access to feelings of joy about myself.

    And, "good feelings give us the sense of safety and security…".  So it is no wonder that we don't feel safe and secure in dysfunctional families and/or religions that don't celebrate the pureness and wholeness of human beings.

    Imagine the voice in the church as voices in your head?  If they repeatedly speak of your unworthiness and sinfulness…there is no way it can be good for your wellbeing.

    She goes on to write.

    "Not only do our feelings matter, they are at the core of whatever we believe is the matter with us. Feelings are a fundamental means of communication that arise from our internal landscape. Feelings cannot be faked.  They are critical landmarks on your journey toward building self-confidence and self-trust. Thought patterns, emotional responses, and habitual behaviors all have their roots buried in a feeling, whether from the past or present. It is, therefore, up to us to identify and ferret out the feelings that fuel the negative ego and keep us stuck in vicious cycle of feeling victimized by life and other people."

    What struck me while reading about our feelings.  Even the feeling of 'not being good enough', is that at some point, we believed this to be true.  So true in fact, that we work really hard to become good, in someone's eyes.

    I know, for me, I was a people pleaser and I believed my worthiness came from what I did for others.  I would lose value if I wasn't doing for others.  

    I also had to work hard or tow the line to stay in the good graces of my mother.  My value rose and fell depending upon what I did and what I said.

    The only way this dance continued was if I believed she held the key to my worth.

    When, I became a sovereign nation, if you will, our relationship changed…drastically.

    I was solely owned by me.

    No religion held a part of me.

    My family no longer had strings that I would dance to.

    I was free and self owned.

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    My potential is limitless. 

    Each experience lays new ground for positive voices…and my disclaimers will change to the positive!

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    I trust that I am just tapping into the vast potential of who I am!

     

  • I am Now!

    Life's journey is quite remarkable if you stay with the flow of what is; it is ever changing and oh, the places you will go…and new friends will you meet. 

    There were 6 in our group who Hiked over Brockway Mountain to help raise money, and hopefully awareness, to our local Women's Shelter Home. 

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    It was another place to test my strength.  To walk with stronger women to keep stretching me forward.

    The conversations were incredible; we are more alike than we are different.

    In each new adventure we gain a part of ourselves, we didn't even know was missing.

    The badass part.

    the wonder

    and open nature of being.

    Getting out and about under the power of your own body is very challenging on many levels.

    You are daring to try.

    Willing to start weaker and grow strong.

    As I walked in the rugged forest of the Estivant Pines today, I pondered the metaphor of footfalls.

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    Where you place your feet and how, and even the quickness of step, all matter.

    How we hike, I bet is similar to how live our lives.

    I know that where I place my next step matters to the whole hike.  I can't keep my focus other than where my feet will land. 

    Do we take such caution in our everyday lives?

    Does it matter where you step next?

    I could feel the signature of each hiker.

    Mine was slower; my pace deliberate…and dictated by the condition of my body.

    I wonder if our lives are paced by our minds?

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    I feel my slower gait slowed down the hike.

    Pausing for me to catch up…sights were seen, a breath was taken.IMG_9554_2, 

    Am I the pacesetter or the drag?

    There seems to be the natural inclination to race.

    To see how quickly we can cover the ground.

    Slowness isn't favored.

    or maybe savored.

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    Is this how life is too.

    We move quickly to get to the next task, next place, next …next and next.

    I hike slow and steady.

    When I get worried about the distance between me and the second to last hiker, I get sloppy finding footfalls.

    I am new at hiking and hiking with others.

    I am new at not racing.

    My signature hiker pace has to accommodate my stiffening hip and inflamed heel…my age, my wind and my curiosity for artful displays in nature.  My drifting attention to the call of a bird, trickle of water, the rhythm of my steps.

    I am trying to find my beat of this new drum I am banging.

    I am unsure of my endurance and strength.

    An unfamiliar hiker girl to me.

    I think in life we tend to take the easy paths, the ones uncluttered with steep inclines or deep drops, and preferably, the ones that don't require much from us. Where we can mindless move without effort. Taking no risks, we can feel safe and comfortable.

    I wasn't uncomfortable; but I was aware of my newness to hiking.

    I bumped into a person who I hadn't talked to in years.  He didn't recognize me in active wear…for I wasn't a hiker, back then….but, I am now.

    This became the weekends mantra.

    "I am now".

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    I also had a parade of my father's victims literally file by as I sat in a bar/restaurant.  Unsettling to say the least.  Their glances linger but a second and quickly adverted to anything but me.

    Yet we are the same and so very much different.

    They are on the well beaten track of silence.

    I, on the loud and jagged course speaking out.

    I wonder what it feels like to them to see me?

    I see them as a reminder of how far I have come.

    I was with women who are in new directions; and they continue in old ones.

    I used to be them.  

    Now my consciously chosen footfalls have led me far away from who I once was.

    I didn't used to speak up…about abuse, 

    I am now.

    I didn't use to hike,

    I am now.

    I didn't use to bike,

    I am now.

    I wasn't open to new friends,

    I am now.

    I wasn't comfortable among women who shared themselves,

    I am now.

    I wasn't open,

    I am now.

    I wasn't self-loving, self-aware, self-empowered, and free to be me; loud and out there and unapologetically Me,

    I am Now!

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  • Changing My Legacy

    Today I overheard a very derisive chuckle, a snide jeering about a 'pervert'.  And, it wasn't so much the messenger; but the personal affront I felt.  It wasn't about my father; but it could have been.

    As I stood there, I felt ashamed and defenseless. 

     I can't explain how it pierced my little girl inside of me.

    Like I was being mocked.

    And, I had no leg to stand upon.

    It was true.

    I was being made fun of…in a round about way.

    How do respond when the truth of your heritage is the brunt of ridicule?

    Today the story in my jeep was "Where the Light Gets In" by Kimberly Williams Paisley.

    It is a story about a mother who is suffering from dementia and how it affects the family as she spins out of control.

    While it is a devastating life altering event, it doesn't compare to the behaviors of pedophiles.  

    The love and caring that is involved in her story, compared to mine, had me in tears.

    What her mother does that is embarrassing is so mild, again compared to mine.

    I felt cheated.

    Her mother had a reason, a valid reason, for her behavior.

    I had none.

    I don't believe that I have felt the realness of what it means to be a daughter of a pedophile.  To feel how he is laughed about in a sick way.  And, not to feel somehow dipped in the same can paint.

    How often am I jeered at and derisive comments sent my way?

    What do I have to contradict them?

    What can I use to state my case.

    Instead it feels like I have to be the tough one, to let the scoffing roll off my back…stand straighter, and walk on.  Walk with the ugly truth in all its glory.  Trying not to hold its hand, but having no choice. He is part of my DNA.

    It is a wonder that I do public speak, that I do stand in the spot light and share my story…a lone voice…against the jeers. 

    I know they were not directed at me; but my father.

    Yet, he is where I come from.

     I am separated physically, but my heritage cannot be change.

    "Bloom where you are planted"…is hard at times, coming from whence you came.

    Just another little bump in the journey of being me.

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

    Words hurt.

    And, the truth often pisses you off; before it sets you free.

    I wasn't angry, I was hurt.

    Perhaps the grieving process is accepting the truth and finding peace from there.

    It is a tough pill to swallow and continue to feel empowered.

    The jeers I can use as motivation to rise above their mockery.

    Maybe he wasn't someone to stand and defend; but I am.

    I am my father's daughter; but I'm working on changing my legacy.

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  • Quality of Life

    "The Mind will determine the quality of life" author unknown.

    This simple statement is extremely profound.  

    We often assume that there are outside sources that dictate the value of our lives; but having a healthy free open mind is the core to a life of quality.

    In the book "Out There" by David Clark, he spoke about seeing your sickness amid the people who are equally as sick as you.  Same goes for a dysfunctional mind and a mind that is hanging out with the members of the same brainwashed system.  How can it know it is brainwashed? Who among the other brainwashed will be able to see and then point it out?  

    What has been most clearly seen to me, now that I am no longer under the strain of being brain washed, is a mind that is completely controlled by a 'higher' power.  Where the individual is no longer in control of their lives.  

    There are some quite disturbed minds who are running the show.  Mostly they keep the individual locked away from reality and finding their own happiness.   

    A person completely under control of their minds are shocking to watch.

    A woman who is breathless and frozen while she tries to manage another's happiness is lost to this day's beauty.

    What I find so utterly intriguing is how their minds have them believing that they are the source for someone else's happiness, peace, love and joy.  This thought leaves them waiting for someone else then to come along and deliver the same to them.

    Co-dependency at its best.

    I am completely grateful for finding my way free of the co-dependency system as well as the cult-like religion; both who messed completely with my head.

    There are a million sad situations I could have been left in.

    When I now bump into people whose lives have zero reason for their stress and anxiety, where the mind has completely taken over their peace, I am unsure of what I can offer them in ways of getting out.

    How do you convince someone whose mind has them convinced?

    "A mind convinced against its will, is of the same opinion still."

    They are locked in their heads.  

    The mind itself is blocking their exit.

    Seeing the world and believing in their powerlessness.

    I see vestiges of me, my former self, drifting in reality unseeing and unmoving.  It is surreal at best. 

    Mostly, they are signposts to keep moving…being and to celebrate my healthy mind.

    The mind truly does determine our quality of life.  

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  • Born to be!

     

    I want to celebrate the mothers who do the right thing; not the easy thing.  I want to honor those whose mothering roles has been very costly; in pain, in courage and pure strength to go on.

    Mothers who forego their comfort in order to change the patterns of abuse.

    Mothers who take their children out of dysfunctional homes.

    Mothers who have to bury their child and live another day; and another.

    Mothers who set up boundaries in order to protect their children. Who lose relationships with their siblings and families of origin…and childhood friends etc.

    Mothers who walk away from religions that turn a blind eye.

    Mothers who learn to walk a new pattern without a pattern to follow.

    Mothers who have to wrestle with their own demons while trying to create a loving home; again without knowing how.

    Mothers who have to find ways to love themselves in order to love their children.  And, they start with a seed so small.  Yet they cling tightly to this sprout of love.

    Mothers who walk as strangers among old friends in order to show their child boundaries.

    Mothers who dare to speak their silence.

    Mothers who stand up boldly.  Loudly.  In fear; but fearlessly hold their grounds.

    Mothers who are called mental, different, cold, bitter, and all kinds of things, as they put up boundaries and learn self-respect, self-love and regain their self-esteem.

    Mothers who are badasses!

    Heroines in their own story.

    Who will one day give their children something to be proud of.  

    Be someone of value and self-worth.  

    Be a woman who stands and protects their child at a million personal costs – that actually end up to be gains of unseen and unimaginable gifts!

    To one day,  be a mom our mothers couldn't be.

    As I sit here today on Mother's Day – I could look back at all my mother wasn't, or I could feel the angst and shame society places on those of us who are estranged.  Instead I want to stand empowered by those of us who are daring to change dysfunction into function.

    Those young girls who I have had the pleasure of talking to; who are walking with me.

    We are women who are not waiting for change. We are literally being the change we want to see in the world.

    Women who love themselves enough to say, no to abuse.

    I cheer each of you as you make your way.

    Happy Mother's Day to the women who are literally changing the world by being the mother they didn't have.  

    By mothering their inner child they are learning about boundaries, courage, strength, emotions, feelings, choices, voices, love, respect, esteem, empowerment, joy, peace, art, adventure, life, the unknown, soul, character….

    They are learning how brilliantly exciting it is to be a free spirit and to be a perfectly imperfect woman!  Breaking the mold we were born into…and becoming who we were born to be!

    "I M Perfect; and it is impossible not to be…"

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