I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Steer clear of the past.

    "And his silence wasn't just a cultural stoicism, it was a misguided idea of victory. I've always thought that by trying to ignore those memories I take away their power, because I feel like such a victim when I think back, and I don't like feeling weak.  So I simply try not to think about them.  Besides, it's as if he wins every time I replay them, or attach any importance to them. But they are important. "This patient, viewed his memories through a prism that emphasized the horror and loss, rather than his personal heroism. I get that too."  An excerpt from "Death's Imperfect Witness" By Pam Leonard

    While this is a work of fiction, the main character is wrestling with how abuse has shaped who she is…and what it means to go back; emotionally.

    The idea that by focusing on your abuse and by going back it will keep you a victim, when instead, I feel, that when you do research on your past and what happened, how the non-abusive parent responded, you will learn valuable things that will help you stop being a victim.

    I am just not certain you can 'stop' being a victim, by not dealing with the abuse. It seems to me that not dealing is to not regain your strength.

    For when you do go back and face what is, you then are stepping back into control. 

    And, I also feel, that if it reduces you to a child or with fears that seem to overwhelm you, it is because it is bringing you back Emotionally to where it is you are stuck.  

    You will be a forever victim, if you don't go back and feel what it felt like back there and then to make new choices.  It is both in the feeling and then choosing again, that you regain the power.

    To never go back and sit down in the memories or feelings of abuse…is to live stuck in that emotional age of when you were abused.

    Which is why it is so hard to have adult relationships, for you are living with the emotional age of a child.  Our emotions get tucked away with the memories of abuse we don't want to feel.

    I know from experience, that the greatest thing I could do was to look closely and to take as long as I needed to sort out what happened in my childhood.  It does appear that I have been 'stuck' in the victim mode, when in actuality, I am regaining my strength.  

    The woman who first caught a glance of being abused and who I am today is completely changed.  My insides don't resemble the old me at all.  My emotional age has grown tremendously.  

    My first glimpse reduced me to a child; overwhelmed with terror. My voice was spoken from a very tight place in my higer neck.  Now I am speaking from deep in my body.  

    Space has opened up inside for me to live and feel life fully.  

    We go back to our abuse, not to be swallowed up by it, but to grab our child self and have them show us around. In doing so, we can see the overview and respond as an adult.  

    The initial brush with these long held down emotions is overwhelming…but eventually, the volume lessens.  The terrorizing scream…is what a child would feel, and we honor it by moving away from what hurt us.  

    My feelings and my body's emotions were reconciled when I went back to see where the fear came from.  I didn't become weaker, but stronger knowing the truth.

    It has never been my experience that the truth weakens you.

    I feel that you will remain a victim as long as you steer clear of the past.

     

  • To grow

    I watched a few documentaries this weekend about breaking the silence and a family  confronting the abuser; a family friend.

    In both, you see how small the actual event of abuse is, compared to the life effects after.  How the family is without clear tools in the years in which the abuse happened and then the different responses to their abuser.

    Below is a family dealing with the "after" the event…and wrestling with the relationships that follow.


    Awful Normal by cine1_freemovie 

    The other you can rent on Amazon for $2.00.  Called ""Stories of Silence"… Recovering from Boyhood Sexual Abuse." by Director Ethan Delevan

    I am not sure there will ever be a clear cut road free of the abuses effects on your life or what is helpful in recovering, but we are learning more and more how devastating it is to living a life with emotional integrity.

    If you take away anything, it is to see the life struggle without a healthy inner peace and sense of self…when you have to leave the truth behind out of fear or the lack of being believed or the failure for the family to distance themselves from the abuser.

    To see and bear witness to the uncomfortable life of carry the truth, alone.

    What I see is the dramatic change that happens when the stories are told. When the individual faces their abuse and how they appear lighter and stronger.

    We are, as one man said, "At the tip of the iceberg".

    It isn't that we want to continue to spout the ugliness and the criminal aspects of abuse…and its images…for they are horrible enough. But to show the lives…whole lives that are ruined.  The struggle that ensues from the moment after abuse. Until the silence breaks, and we can open the event to the air of truth, it blocks living as a whole emotional being.

    I am encouraged as more and more speak up and the way it changes their lives.  

    It changes them back…slowly towards who they were before abuse.  You will never erase the abuse, but you can get back the aspects of yourself that was taken.

    Breaking the silence frees the child and allows her to grow.

  • Sisterhood…

     

    Another quilt in the spotlight, another piece of my healing, another growth spurt for my lady and I.  Thank you David Cowardin and Lola Visuals.

    I loved these ladies dancing together in their own uniqueness, separate but together…the sisterhood of being a woman, striving for her authenticity or to simply know herself.  Dancing with her truth; the darkness and the Light.

    Feelings of being herself and part of some larger group.  Okay to be herself and being accepted for it.

    The emptiness I felt upon learning my past was more lies than truth, was to become a stranger to myself. 

    To then find myself loving myself and being able to be with others as a Me, that is recognizable to me, was profound.

    Just simply remarkable how my lady would show my development and it brought such peace and hope; progress.

     

     

     

  • Beauty of Life

    I don't know what is more unsettling, the fact that I was so affected by having to make do with a car on the mail route OR how quickly I became used to it.

    My first day of delivering mail from the left-hand drive vehicle without four wheel drive, overwhelmed my inner peace.  It makes everything 50% harder than a normal mail day with a right-hand drive jeep.

    From getting in, to sitting strangely, to struggling to reach each mail box, to getting stuck, because one tire was just a bit too deep in the snow….all made up for a day of frustration, reducing me to a two-year old wanting to throw a tantrum.  I resented being put upon…I just wanted my jeep.

    The second day, I was much more at 'home' in the vehicle…and this was equally as odd.  Showing me how quickly we can become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

    The first day I felt the concept of dysfunction and its cost on your inner world as well as the frustrations in the outer world, and how it creates a cloudy environment in which you live.  Just 'making do' is the ingredients that makes turmoil.

    I understood how important it is to have the proper tools for a job.

    I also could see how we can 'make do' in many areas of life…by letting go of what is optimal.

    And worse how we can adjust ourselves to be okay with much less than perfect situations.

    Without the struggle of making do, my work life with the Jeep moves with ease…and there is very little emotional or stress as I go about my route. 

    When I experienced the make do world, I know that there are many folks in the world whose lives are at the pressure point of exploding, due to having to make do.

    It helped me see the mountain of 'make do' my childhood was under…and the weight of it blows my mind.

    I am not sure being raised in a home where there is so much not working, you would be able to discern it being stressful; for it is normal.  Everything is an effort to make it work.  

    In a family of 14, the money was not enough, the space was not enough, the attention not enough…add to that a strict religion and abuse and you have an impossible environment for gentle raising.

    The stress on the parents is one thing, but the cost on the children is more. For we had no choices and were suffering abuse in a hostile environment of making do.

    I used to think it was an admirable trait to be able to complete a task with less than perfect tools or in a situation out of control…to not need the perfect tool, made me stronger/wiser/more proficient. Now I can see its cost upon me.

    Being the second oldest, I was my mother's helper; her right hand.  We struggled against a tide of 'not enough' and then too much.  Not enough tools and way too much work.

    It would be a challenge to run a household of 14 children with money and proper parenting…it is mayhem with the things we were up against. 

    As I thought of the climate in my childhood home and of my childhood, I could see how I internalized the lacks as mine.  How I drew in the stress and how it stole my life.  I survived, but I did not pay attention to me.

    What I wanted. My dreams.  My needs.  All were hidden behind the stress of the loud needs within the house.

    I now feel an almost allergic reaction to anything that resembles 'making do'.  

    Even a temporary detour there puts me into panic, resentment, and feelings of being out of control and knowing I MUST still make it work, somehow.  It reminded me of how I used to live.

    And then, the way it changed how I seen life.  I was unable to enjoy the fun things of life…while struggling to make do.  I came home drained.

    I know this is a thumbnail print of my childhood.

    With so much surviving going on, no room is left for the lighthearted dreaming. And even the kinder feelings never get a chance to bloom.  This I think, makes me the most sad.  To see a child so caught up in the struggle…that our soulful part of ourselves is stunted…severely.

    What I also believe, is that this soulful part is our true selves.

    The true self that gets neglected in order to survive.

    This is the most tragic loss of childhood abuse and neglect. 

    Where life's struggles take up life…neglecting the dreamer, the soul, the Art, the beauty of life.

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  • Successful Path

    "After all there were far more pathways to messing up than there were to success…" is a line in book written by Pam Leonard…."Death's Imperfect Witness".

    What I love about that line, is that this is life…and our choices.  

    Each will lead somewhere, but where? 

    And how true,  there seem to be more pathways to messing things up, compared to the one that will lead to success.

    How can we know which ones NOT to take and without having the experience of success…to gamble on one, that appears unsure.

    Maybe just knowing that there are more pathways to mess things up….it will lead us to be more cautious or questioning of life…or to look wider at our situations; to not react at first glance, but to search for things that don't add up.

    Usually, in my experience, the pathway that appears the easiest, is often the one that leads to the biggest messes.  Or the one which requires no probing or looking deeper than what is seen at first glance.

    Knowing there are more options for messing up than those to success, make the successful paths not only harder to find, but they will require more of you; just to find them, let alone traverse them.  And, from what I have seen, less traveled.

    Most seem to follow the crowd, regardless of where they are being led, not daring to ask questions or risk being foolish with discernment.  

    Some of us can see "something isn't right", but how often do we follow our guts and voice this idea?  

    Who wants to be the one to see what others would rather NOT see? Who wants to create a 'bigger' problem…when there appears to be a 'simple' solution?

    As I view the generational legacy of incest within the framework of pathways….there certainly are more that lead to messes, than away.

    In order to find the path to success, you will have to seek what is failing, what isn't right, to see what is off, to feel and intuit things…to look for problems, not what is working.

    I think most fail to find the path to success for they are not looking for what isn't right.

    Instead they focus on what appears to be fine.

    They refuse the whole package and pick and pull from the positive…ignoring what is failing.

    I know it appears that I am a negative seeker, that I overlook the positive…when in fact, I am taking in the whole image and going where that path leads.

    As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    I see our individual lives as pathways, where we will walk with each other and displaying ourselves by the choices we make.  Showing a blind eye to what is off, doesn't fill me with trust in you.  I see a person who is blind to what is going on.

    The successful path, is one that stays in reality…no matter what presents itself.  And a successful person is one who dares to see what is off…what others want to hide and ignore…

    I am not going to try and make other see.

    But I will always try to see clearly.

    And, when I feel something is off….to seek that.

    This is the tool of the body and mind…which many override.  I neglected the signals of my body for 46 years…now I use it to live life.

    I use my body to find the successful path.

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  • True Being.

    I loved this talk.  He opens us all, inviting us into the complex experiences of those who appear different.  Their challenges are really ours to accept.

    Brilliant and articulate!

    My upbringing within a cult-like religion, who cast aside anyone who was of a different faith, schooled me for sameness.  

    And, how sameness equaled special, saved, better than.

    It made me one of the worst kinds in humanity, where difference was not allowed.

    When I too was cast aside for my abuse or my speaking of it, or for my seeing the churches hand in blessing it; allowed me to live as "different". 

    Being Different has made me accepting.

    While I would not want to re-live the past again, I would give nothing for my journey today.  

    What I know for certain, It isn't the "Different" among us who are creating a negative world, but those who can't see them in their true being. 

     

  • The old you.

    Step Ten – Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families

    "Continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admitted it."

    "Step Ten is where we continue to inventory our behavior and thinking. With this Step we continue to let go of control and expose our denial aobut the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional home.  We learn to take a balanced view of our behavior, avoiding the tendency to take too much responsibility for the actions of others.  At the same time, we also curb our tendency to blame others when we are obviously wrong, yet are too afraid or ashamed to admit it. There is no need for long analyses of our behavior. We know that we come from wounded childhoods and we are addressing that in the Steps."

    "Step Ten is where we can continue to integrate any left over character defects or survival skills into our emerging identity. As we learned in Step Seven, there will be residual defects and survival traits that won't recede easily. This does not mean we have failed in previous Steps.  Step Ten is where we can acknowledge and embrace these lingering but less useful traits. We use humility and consistent effort to integrate these aspects of our personality."

    "Some adult children describe integration as walking into a dark room, closing the door, and talking to each lingering trait. We visualize such traits as people-pleasing, addictive thinking, confusing love with pity, and judging ourselves harshly. In the darkness, we speak to these traits. We thank them and others for their protection in our lives. We ask them to retire or step back. Some we bid farewell, and some we integrate. We make peace with those parts of ourselves that kept us alive as kids but which no longer serve a useful purpose. This exercise is called walking into the darkness to find the light.  Coming out of the dark room, we stand in the light, knowing we have faced our most disturbing traits again and survived. Facing our "shadow" helps us live in the moment and feel hopeful about the future." 

    Step Ten Spiritual Principles:  Honesty and Discernment

    It is wildly fascinating and horrifying to see your survival self and her needs and the way she operated in life in order to feel safe or loved or in control.  

    I had just a quick glance at her the other day.  This shadow self makes an apperance when I am tired, wanting to control or when I don't make a choice based on what I feel.

    In the aftermath, or during the life situation, I see things through her old eyes; very self absorbed.

    It is when I practice self-love and honesty before an event; that I can keep her away.

    What she sounds like is that the world is there to make her happy and how dare they not know this.  How dare they say no or not react now. I forget to remember that they are people too…within their own worlds, with their needs, wants and desires.

    A visual of my old self seeing a situation compared to reality is very hateful, anger rises and resentment fills my veins. My need to control and manipulate is righteous.

    When I refuse to act…she sulks.

    When I give myself space to think and see what is really going on, that it isn't an act of pure apathy or neglect (echoes from an abusive childhood), but rather integrity speaking…even if it isn't matching my needs.  I see through eyes of understanding.

    What I am finding out is I bring anger…when I am self absorbed.

    I bring understanding when I am not in fear.

    It is surreal how quickly my old self wants to rise to my defense and how quickly it changes my viewpoints on those I love…and how negatively it feels inside.

    It is like a cloud descends upon my world…inside and outside.

    I don't know how I survived living this way for 46 years….and the difference between the two are so dramatic inside.

    The warm soft feelings are shoved aside for rigid, sharp, silent, resentful, anger…a defensive wall that blocks out everything, but my pinpoint need IN that moment of time.

    It can eclipse not only reality, but all those who live in there with me.

    This has to be the content of self-absorption.

    People say, "who in their right mind could do such a thing" and I am here to tell you, they are acting from this spot I just had a glimpse of.  Where they get almost tunnel vision…okay, not almost, but tunnel vision; where their need is all they see.

    It is so unreasonable and yet it is so overwhelming, you can't see yourself being so out of sorts.

    For while you have this pinhead view of what you need and your desire to control others to get it, you can't see yourself being so narrow minded.

    My husband has been a great teacher to teach me to release control.

    For he quietly says "no"…and then does nothing when he could be doing what I need him to do. This activates my old self in a heart beat.

    But, in juxtaposition of this nature of doing things in his own time, is a man of patient and kind love.  My mind has a hard time with this.  For the traits of neglect and apathy are nowhere to be found.  I am looking for fuel to ignite my old self and all I get left with is to see me being self absorbed.

    He being love.

    Me being resentful for this one little thing I wanted wasn't done on my timeline….and this equals a "hate"….and the snowball begins to roll.

    In my mind…it wants to destroy who he really is for some imaginary man.

    In my childhood, it was the opposite.  My mind created an imginary kind man/woman  and life…and this mechnism can still function.  I can go from reality to hell in no time at all.  Before I went from Hell to illusion…to survive.

    Now this survival trait would wreck love, peace and joy…and to live in a world that I don't control nor do I want to.

    Sometimes you have to say good bye a few times…to the old you.

     

     

     

     

  • How I serve myself.

    I continue to learn about me.  

    I allow myself to put my self out, and then feel put out…and want to blame someone.

    Anyone but me.

    What I need to learn is not to over 'extend' myself…while 'lessening' other people's loads, I weigh myself down and then act like I have been 'put upon'…when I am the one loading me up. 

    My last example wasn't a huge burden, but enough for a slow boil resentment inside.

    While my mind searched for someone to blame, it didn't come to me, until I was in a conversation with someone who too was selling himself short.

    It is so easy to look at the empty-handed folks with resentment…even when I was the one who orchestrated or emptied their arms.  It amazes me how I want to carry others…without no regard to the cost to myself.  I speak before I ask "how will this make me feel."

    I want to spare the burden of others, while overloading myself…not seeing me cracking under the weight.

    I used to feel like a rescuer, or one to 'save the day' or make the party, or shine in some over achieving way…only to subconsciously expect others to over participate as well.

    Like we all need to give until it hurts.

    What I also noticed it is harder to say no to small things and easier to say no to things of great moral outrage.  But to allow myself to carry just my share seems like I am barely trying…or 'not caring enough'…and even 'not loving enough'.

    I am sure this goes back to the dysfunctional raising, where you are not to look at how certain behavior affects your inner self, but rather act without regard…and make other's happy, no matter what.

    When you put yourself first, as you first make choices…you would be able to shut off the valve of resentment. 

    It is maddening to know that I am the one to be resentful of.

    And, it is very good news.  

    For once again, I have the power to change.

    For when I take on too much, all I serve is resentment…to myself and others.  It isn't serving caring or love.

    Serving me love, will often mean doing less or nothing.

    I will watch more closely how I serve myself.

     

  • Who Programmed it.

    Who knew that the brain is responsible for how we live our lives?  That it isn't what happens to us, or seemingly against us, but rather how our minds process life.

    And how our brains are groomed or structured to respond in certain ways…very set precise ways; eliminating other reasonable options.  And Fear is usually the barbed wire that holds it in place.

    What has become so fascinating to me, is not the human condition of evil, but rather the way most minds cannot see it.  

    I lived for 46 years with a mind of one pathway and did not know of another way.  I wasn't choosing one pathway, I lived in one pathway.  It wasn't like I continued to make the same choice over and over, but rather there was only one choice that my mind recognized.

    I feel that there is a consciousness evolution happening and that those in enough pain will be the first to traverse this road.  

    I was ripe for a breakdown out of denial.  My mind was being worked on unbeknownst to me.  

    My body was showing signs of distress and giving up.

    I was reading the Course of Miracles; which is to change your perception of life.

    Yoga was working on my body, where the mind is manifested.

    And, reality was so bold in front of me, it eclipsed the one 'true' pathway in my mind.

    When it felt like my whole world fell apart, it was actually that my mind had expanded.  I was now able to see and feel things that were kept from me by my mind.

    To be aware of falling out of denial is to die while being born.

    I was able to see the insanity of my mind and how it had eliminated choices for me. 

    This singular pathway now feels like abuse; where there is no choice.

    Where there is no freedom to reason things out.

    An abused mind, is one where there are no options, no way to see above, below and around each problem; but only one singular choice…that leads to the same outcome.

    We see this in the addicted mind.

    In the mind of dysfunctional families.

    Where behaviors are replicated perfectly generation upon generation.

    It isn't behaviors that lead the way, but the trained mind.

    What I feel is beneficial to breaking the patterns of these minds, is what worked on my mind…or against its one pathway. And, that is to open up new pathways…

    This means, Art, yoga, meditation, to name a few. It is to experience the self beyond the mind.

    In Art, if you go out of your mind and create intuitively, you will be strengthening a new part of you to respond to life.  

    In Yoga, it is to bring the Mind back to the Body…which is reality.

    Meditation…I focused on my breathing in yoga.  It was meditative yoga.  And this again puts space between you and your mind.

    The space that will grow new choices.

    I can tell immediately a mind that is without options.  The ones I am most familiar with are religious minds…dysfunctional family minds.  My old, one track mind.

    I think what was worse than finding out my father was a pedophile and that my mother couldn't see that; was my mind.

    How it truly hid reality from me…and in doing so, stole my life.

    I was like the woman who couldn't see herself.

    All I was was a programmed mind.

    It is a miracle to be free of that program.  And it was terrifying to make my own choices; but exhilarating beyond words.

    While we think that the addict loves his drugs or that the perpetrators love to sow evil, it is more about being locked in the program unknowingly.  

    We are programmed as children.

    Most, die as a program.

    But, I believe there is an evolution going on that is recognizing where the real source  of our pain is coming from.  It isn't that we are making bad choices, and we can simply chose again, but rather that our brains have eliminated our choice…period.

    And, I also believe that we are catching on to how to bring our minds into reality…as well as using our other senses.

    To become as Gary Zukav writes "Multi-Sensory" humans.

    For to rely solely on a programmed mind, is to live a life exactly as those who programmed it.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Abused Mind

     

    What I found so interesting about this is how the mind gets stuck and what is needed to change the patterns in the mind and how emotions and the pathways in the brain are connected.  

    This mirrors my experiences of feeling the pain and then having a new perception of my self as well as the people in my life. 

    Abuse doesn't mess up the body, it literally changes the mind and blocks access to emotions.  Emotions that are critical in feeling the reality of life.

    Incredible to see that you can literally change your brain and that will change you.

    My brother helped me understand thee abused mind.