I M Perfect lady

Category: Art & Quilts

  • Still Creating.

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    Another Beach Bum…with a Jeep.  

    I was trying to change the perspective by having the lady close and the palm tree and jeep in the distance.  I am not sure if I pulled it off, I have to sit with it awhile.

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    I plopped down the pink sun…and loved it.  It is the surprise color…the unexpected bit that just seems to be needed.

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    It is always a good Sunday, when I can play with my Art.  With only one day off, I feel that I have to do something I love to do…to play instead of doing all work.  

    I began my day playing with her and ended it by doing some machine quilting.

    We are back in the basement, but still creating!

  • I believe

                                "Believe, that I believe."  Cheryl Richardson

    My Lady quilts are back in the basement, their debut over, my coming out out.  

    It almost feels like the past two days, was about me going over the finish line, the ending of a birth…or even a return to just living.  For it seems like I have been on a dual journey, healing and living at once…with the emphasis on healing… and living was secondary.  It is like a huge job or task has come to an end.  

    Like I was in labor for 7 years and have just given birth.

    It is like I have been in mourning and creating a baby at the same time….and the quilts have equal emotions of sorrow and joy.

    A close friend and I were talking, and she shared with me how moved she became when trying to tell others about my journey, she couldn't get past the lump in her throat after a few quilts.  The emotion and feelings I had while creating them, are still there, lodged in the fibers, like my pain was removed from me and is now residing there, along with hope, confusion, lost self, etc.  They seem to connect with the subconscious places within…

    I hadn't counted on them being "moving" or that it would require others to feel so intensely.  I was amazed that friends who have been on this journey with me, who have witnessed huge portions of it, are still taken a back.  

    It was so unexpected…I was chuckling in the profundity of it all.

    Marveling at temerity of The Lady.

    I was laughing with my friend, but about The Lady… not her lack of composure.  

    It seemed absurd, that My Lady seemed to pull endless amounts of emotional energy, always deeply moving, no matter how familiar they are with me.  She still reaches deep.

    She never fails to elicite a reaction of the spirit.

    I am in awe of her power as well, it is way beyond me.

    I now feel like she is a complete set, that my work on getting her to her full power is done. 

    I created her and she created me, and we are both in a place now, where the deep excavating is over, we dug deep and rebuilt well.

    It was like my job was to create her and in doing so would heal me.  If at any time I would have stopped, we both would have been left incomplete.  I had this feeling of not being able to stop, that I was driven to create her.  It wasn't an option.

    Just as it wasn't an option to make a different choice, each time I was presented with following my truth or denying.  Truth was the only answer.  Just as working on ladies wasn't an option.  Nothing and I mean nothing else would raise my inner joy as she would.

    As I worked on My Lady; I was working on fixing my wounded self.  

    I see the story line quilts almost like x-rays of my wound being healed.

    While she filled my vessel with gallons of joy; she also carried away tubs of sorrow.

    Her and I are one.

    I can talk about myself in the third person when I have My Lady…she allows me to show my scars in an artful way.  She isn't scary like an abused child is, when you have no way of 'fixing' her.

    I know, to the depth of my being, to the first stitches of My Lady, that we are meant to be used to offer hope, to explain the affects of abuse and to display the journey out of the darkness, to show that it is possible to make it all the way out.

    We will never be able to erase a part, nor do we want to.  If we took out one quilt the story would be broken.  

    The beauty of My Lady, is that she began at zero, a nothing, worthless and faceless, she was born after her life of lies about destroyed her.  All she had was the love of quilting art…everything else about her was a lie.

    I had to create me again.

    My Lady walked with me, held my hand, kept joy when I was swimming in sorrow.

    Certainly, there were times when my life wasn't a life, but her life was filled with great mystery and excitement.

    Now my life and her life seem equal.

    We are both standing at the edge wondering what is next.

    When creating My Lady quilts, I would be intrigued in seeing if I could get her to sit down, to ride in a kayak, or dance and do yoga…now she will be seeing what she can make me do.

    Already, we have a book.

    We were featured in a quilt show.

    We have a second engagement scheduled for August 9th.

    We are gaining fans.

    I feel, and have always felt, she had magic, that she was of the Universe…that we were destined to be.

    It was for me to experience my life exactly as it has happened.

    That I have met the right people at the right time, all of them are handing me off to the next group, raising me higher and higher.  

    There is wind beneath My Lady and I that I am not in charge of.  Its course is already in the stars.

    What a ride, what a horrifying joyful ride…and I believe that the real work is about to begin, that My Lady and I are now ready to do what we were created to do, our life's purpose.

    As Cheryl Richard's quote says, "Believe, that I believe."  I have believed in My lady, always.  I have put my faith and my hope and my dreams and my life in her.

    I am her, I believe.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri


  • To Be Heard, Believed and Loved.

    Yesterday afternoon, I went to see my display with a girlfriend, one who has heard hours and hours of my life story, who is very close to knowing and understanding me, and yet…when she stood in front of my quilts, she began to see me more clearly…and was blown away by the story unfolding in my quilts.

    By the fifth quilt, she was in tears.

    I had her twin girls and we browsed the rest of the show to let her read, see and feel the display.

    It is like a magical story line, an incredible unbelievable 7 year art project, created in the darkness and sometimes out of order.  Yet when it all together it reads like a novel, but is actually non-fiction and raw at its core. And even I, who created it, feel the incredulousness of it all.

    How is it possible to show how it is when you don't know how it is.  

    To know how insignificant you are, while not knowing it, yet create that image.

    And to chronicle the journey unbeknownst to yourself.  It is like writing your memoir without writing it.

    As we stood there, other women happened by.  I talked to a women, who listened and gave me a hug before we parted. She took a slip of the WIND info.

    I have heard from the quilt ladies, that women want to buy the book, ask about what patterns I used…are talking how truthful and out there I am…  My Lady is causing ripples of conversations.

    My friend didn't want to leave the display, she wanted to tell the new comers about the story, about the Lady and I.

    It was good for me to go and to witness the reactions of women as they were stopped by My Lady.  I love that she demands your attention, she is hard to walk by. Even her beginnings are striking…with no woman present.

    As I strolled through the rest of the show, I saw wonderful fabrics and patterns intricately pieced together with mountains of patience and time…and behind each piece stood a woman or man, trying to execute perfectly their vision.  I call these quilts normal quilts.  I never could do this.  It is very hard for me to follow a pattern, I get agitated and stressed trying to follow an exact way.  It doesn't feel good for me. I feel immediate rebellion.

    What is so odd or not, is that following a pattern feels like a prison to me.

    I am sure, coming from where I came, (cult like religion full of rules and regulations of what you can do and what is absolutely forbidden) I need a place to escape, and I choose quilting for my free expression.

    And when my life fell apart and I wasn't able to express how I felt to those who I wanted to listen, I spoke in my quilts…my feelings were being expressed, I felt heard.

    Abuse wants our silence, so this was another way to be outspoken.

    I needed an avenue to be heard.

    Now I am taking it to main street.

    I love that my Lady has an audience.

    I love that people stop and listen.

    What all abused children need is an ear to hear, and eye to see and a hand to hold.

    My Lady is holding court…her feelings are flowing forth, and she is getting a loving reaction.  No one can silence and ignore her now.

    This is the wish of every abused child….to be heard, believed and loved.





  • What Spiritual Empowerment Looks Like.

    "Spiritual Empowerment is evidence in our lives by our willingness to tell ourselves the truth, to listen to the truth when it's told to us, and to dispense the truth as lovingly as possible, when we feel compelled to talk from the heart."  Christina Baldwin

    Spiritual empowerment is our willingness to be with the truth…and yet I felt like I was in the act of pure betrayal when I hung my quilts, that somehow I was doing something wrong, I had stepped over the bounds by displaying my truth.

    This is a deep seeded belief.  

    A core belief handed to us in sexual abuse; to bare the pain in silence, gathering our shame…never letting it see the light of day.  To go on acting normal after such a abnormal activity.

    Hanging my quilts was very empowering for my soul, and yet, a part of me is waiting to be punished.  That somehow I have broken the rule of humanity…by publicly displaying my own truths.

    It's weird to have feelings of wrong doing or getting caught, for telling the truth.  It seems these feelings would match lying instead.

    Underneath our family structure had to be this overwhelming sentiment, that we don't EVER, not EVER speak the truth about abuse.  It is the key to keeping our family together; our mutal silences.

    Even though I haven't been part of my family of origin for 7 years, I still feel their disapproval and non-support of how I am displaying my truth.  

    If, Spiritual Empowerment is to be with the truth, than to disempower the spirit would be to live among lies.

    It is funny in a sad way, that the very thing we need to do to empower our spirits is the very thing that leads us away from our families.  

    It would appear that I am the one to lose, since I am outside of my family, but all I really lost was the burden of being silent about my life experiences.  What I have gained is an empowered Spirit.

    So once again, my Spirit gains, and I am stepping further away from my family.

    It can't be helped.  There is no way you can remain in a family whose structure is built upon not living the truth and live a life that is empowering to your soul.

    What I also know, based on my experience, while I lived a life that didn't support my soul, I didn't even know it was missing.  My whole life was lived to please and placate others.  I wasn't present while being present.  There was no me there.

    The biggest lies for 46 years were the lies I told myself.

    The lies about my feelings.

    The lies about my emotions.

    The lies of saying yes when I felt no.

    The lies…all the small and insignificant lies that continued to create a me that wasn't really me.  

    All those lies dis-empowered my soul.

    Now, in order to get my power back, I must always reflect my truth.

    My Lady quilts show my journey in fabric…of being a lost soul; the affects of sexual abuse.

    Perhaps many don't want to know this fact, that they would feel better knowing you can still pull off a life that appears normal….but underneath you have the rotting of your soul.

    While many are unable to articulate this, I feel that my quilts depict this remarkably, how small and powerless I was inside.

    And, they also show the growth that happens when you walk in your truth.

    The quilt display will move some to walk stronger and with more courage towards their truth, it shows the possibilities.

    What Spiritual Empowerment looks like.




  • Into the World!

    Burning the midnight oil on Independence Day, trying to finish up all the last minute details; tomorrow I hang my Story Line Quilts for the Strawberry Festival.

    It is a nice coincidence that it happens to be Independence Day, a day of freedom. 

    I am a bit nervous as I will be exposing my Self and my journey and opening myself up to the eyes of many.  A part of me feels excited that the quilts are leaving the basement and heading out on a journey…it feels right, it is time.

    Many scenarios run through my mind and my stomach flips and then I remember I can't know how it all will go…this is our maiden voyage.

    I have done my part…I have quilted each one by feelings and without worrying about where they would go or what they would do…and they all found each other in a line; my story line.

    It feels like a completion and a new beginning…a milestone, a different direction.

     My Lady and I are about to begin a new adventure; out of the basement and into the world!  

    Happy Fourth of July, 2012!

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     Beach Bum 


  • What excites us.

    My Art seems to be creating an energy flow that I am following or running behind.  It is appearing in many new venues this summer and I am trying to absorb one, before the prep for the next one…and a new one appears on the horizon.  

    It seems to be taking on a life of its own, separate from me, yet completely attached.  

    My book was shipped and is on its way, new quilts added to a Ziyad & Co., in Calumet, and the Strawberry Festival is next week, where I am featured, or my quilts are, the Women In New Directions want to use me and my Art in various upcoming events….etc. 

    As I rode my lawn mower, I recalled a winter day many years ago, where in the first few months of my breakdown, I was walking along our road, having turned and was making my way home, and how I had a vision of my quilts being displayed as a group.  How they would be a collection…with a story to tell.  

    And now it seems to be coming into reality.

    I didn't know and still don't really know the path my Art will take, but it seems the Universe does.  My job is to create quilts and be open to trying new things, to do what I am passionate about, and the road up ahead opens up.

    It is exciting, thrilling and a bit scary.  On August 9th, I will be speaking before a 100 people, me and my Art.  It is a community event, a fund raiser…another item added to the to do list for my Art.

    My dream or vision had been to use my quilts and my story, to knit them together to help inspire others…it feels like I have been working to get to this point, although I never knew when it would happen.  I just felt it would.  I never thought to stop making Lady Quilts.

    Looking backwards, it is like I am being led, that the next thing to happen happens and I say yes.  I meet the right person who hands me off to the next.  The orchestration is beyond what I could design…

    My Art… My Lady is leading the way….as usual.  I love that My Lady is included, for I feel a very strong bond with her.  That together we are quite a pair.  I know without her I would not have gotten to this point and oddly without me, she wouldn't have been born.  She is within me and I am in her.

    My Lady and I…the road ahead is unknown, a mystery.  Just like Art unfolding, we can't know what the final picture will look like, we just keep doing what we feel is right, what excites us.

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  • Shaped by Abuse.

    I listened to a re-run about conflict and how it creates who you are, IF you face it and let it change you.  

    Donald Miller and Ed Bacon were having a discussion about how your life would look if they made a documentary about it?  

    When you were faced with a personal dilemma, did it change you and help you grow, or did you walk away from being uncomfortable and not wanting to face your fears?

    I found this very interesting and from a different perspective than last time I heard them talking…this time I could see how the Universe actually sets up conflicts in your way, for you to chose.  It is your decision on how you respond that defines you, not the amount of conflicts in your life.

    From my own experience, I am very grateful that I had a huge life conflict, one with many parts that needed me to respond…and all the struggles with fear and pain all created who I am today.  

    I thought as I drove along the route today, I can't even imagine me unchanged.  That how incredibly lucky I was to have the opportunity to have been delivered a huge life changing moment. To find out my father was a pedophile, allowed many structures that supported who I was, to fall.  When it all fell, I was able to then begin building up my life.

    My life story shows me facing conflicts….not avoiding them.

    The devastating truth actually was a brilliant gift that would change me and my life completely. Had this not happened, I would never have gotten to know me.

    I would have been in a life, but not one that was reflective of my soul…I would have lived a life, but remained unchanged.

    We are taught to work very hard to Not have changes in our lives, when changes are actually growth spurts, creative moments that enhance who we are.  

    What I mostly got out of today's listening is that without conflict, we would stay the same.  And that fighting to stay the same, is actually stunting your growth.

    Next time conflict comes knocking, when drama is delivered, when life takes a turn that is asking it seems too much of me, I will know that it is for me to expand as a person.

    The more conflict and life transitions we sucessfully navigate, the more our life will become a very interesting and unique documentary. 

    We document our life by how we live.  When we die, what will they see?  A person who was unaffected by life or one who was transformed by life?

    It broke me out of the trance of following.  What kind of a documentary would it be to watch a woman follow along compliantly?  To be just one of the sheep…and not a black sheep that decided to do something different…to change directions and go her own way.

    It is hard to even recollect the trance I lived as…now that I am wide awake and seeing, feeling and moving freely.

    What really sticks with me, is the strength it takes to put a child under the trance, to steal their free movement and make them follow.

    Abuse adds another twist, not only are you in a trance, but you are also living in a home with abusers…being abused, but not able to move.

    What I also know, is that it will take efforts of herculean strength to gain back your movement, to get out of the cyclone affect of our mind's trance.  What appears to work is to literally go against the flow of what you have become comfortable with, to do things unlike you. 

    To say no, instead of yes. To stay home instead of going, to speak up instead of remaining silent; to do the opposite.

    I didn't know I was stuck until the machinery that kept my father's truth hidden, broke.  I was set free when all I believed upon became a lie.

    Free from the trance of lies and pretend…a 'reality' in your mind only.

    My mind broke…and I fell out of the trance.  I didn't know a free Beth, but I was willing to go and find out.  It took awhile to find her stride, to become used to her new ways; to even become used to being a single, instead of being one of a group.

    Ed Bacon suggested, that our life's mission on earth is to face our conflicts, that they are served to us so we have something to push upon to form who we were meant to be.

    I know that as odd as it seems, I was meant to live the exact life I did for 46 years and then to completely transform myself. To change and be in the same reality, but no longer a victim but a person who was shaped by abuse.


  • My Lady and I, and WIND.

    I spent a few hours with a group of women who are working to organize a Women's Mentoring Group.  Our vision is to form a community of women in the community, that will support each other as we move in new directions…hence our name, "Women In New Directions"  WIND

    I see WIND as challenging you to move forward, encouraging new growth and adding life skills…offering classes and outings to strengthen your true self, encouraging your spirit and passions. The push we all sometimes need to try something new.

    We will have a call out to women in the community with something to learn or something to teach. 

    This is the natural evolution of my Lady, taking her from fabric to real life.  

    Nearly 12 years ago, I was on a plane with a new friend at the time. We were traveling for work, putting on conferences around the country.  We each thought it would be fun to organize fun things for women to do…WIND is the answer to that long ago wish.

    There are no limits to WIND.  Our target age begins at 12…and will be as high as our oldest member…you are never too old to join or be part of WIND.

    My Lady has a part in this group…she will be the entry point of bringing awareness to sexual abuse, but in an artful manner. She will be used to be a symbol of WIND, she will be part of the group, like I am.  Her and I, will represent the victim side, the side that needs a hand along the way….wisdom and hope.

    I love that she is accepted in the WIND group…along with me.

    Who knows where we will go, My Lady and I, and WIND.

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  • A Very Full Sunday.

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    A full drive way…all the kids were here for dinner.   A beautiful Sunday of family.  My son made dinner and I strawberry shortcake.  Played a few games…and enjoyed each others company.


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    My husband spotted this truck, for the Western Plow it was attached to.  He bought the truck to rescue the plow, and my son rescued the truck.  Added new tires, is painting the rims and with a few odd parts from the junk yard, this truck is taking shape.  He is his father's son.  Soon it will be road worthy.  Once the plow is restored, it will be for sale…the truck looks like it found the right boy.

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    Our tomato plants just getting in the ground.  The gentleman who started these plants, said to plant them, by laying them down and burying the first six inches of the stem, and that by morning or in a day or so, they will be standing upright, and the root system will be bigger and stronger.

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    You can tell by this picture, that the plants are good size, until we bury half of them.  We are late, but I am hopeful that we will get enough  for Salsa come fall. 


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    This spot was grass the year before, or actually a piece of ground we didn't mow, for it was forgotten and overgrown….now it is cleared and will act as a salsa growing spot.  The very thing we don't need is more grass to cut, but it sure looks nice.  We have to put up cages to protect the plants from deer. We also planted Green Peppers.  

    And I even squeezed in time to play with fabric.  This is for a challenge, we had to use a specific fabric, but we could do what ever design.  Of course, the easiest for me is to use it with the Lady.

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    I wish you could see the metalic thread I used in the background behind the Lady….I broke three needles, for I am sure, you are suppose to use a special needle, that I didn't have.  I love the affect when it is in the light, it shimmers, just a bit.

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    A day full of what I love.  Family, nature and quilting…a very Full Sunday!

  • My Journey So Far

    It was my intention to complete a book that had the evolution of my Lady, which is the star of my quilts.  And I did.  It was very interesting to not only look at each individual quilt, but to tell what it meant to me and my journey. I once again realize how fortunate I am to have this visual trail leading backwards…and forward; to see the process colorfully displayed in fabric and design.

    At times, when looking at them, it is hard to recollect the me that created them, and at other times, I feel it is the same artist.  And perhaps it is the same talent, but a new inspiration behind the hands.

    This book, I did by myself, and had two of my daughters do a glance over to see if the pictures and words were properly placed.  Each did a few tweaks, but all in all, I did it.

    Now, it seems…the journey isn't over, but it continues on. I wonder what my art will show as I venture forward. I wonder what turns my life will take, what hills I have yet to climb, and what surprises still lay ahead.

    I feel now that I am still drawn to create Art Quilts, but the need of therapy has been reduce. There is more air, space and relaxation in and around my quilts.

    Guess I could say this book is my journey so far…

    http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3344484