I M Perfect lady

Category: Art & Quilts

  • The Unofficial First Member

    I am part of a group of women who are in the incubation stages of forming a place where women can meet and share their journeys.  While its focus or its intentions is to help women travel their personal journey after abuse, it truly can be for any women who has something to share or needs a hearing ear and a helping hand.

    Sometimes groups tend to be 'victim' groups, but I know that while I was part of a quilter's group, I found it helpful to see role models that encouraged me to find a voice and to utilize a wider variety of choices.

    I see this women's group as being a two way street, where all are welcome…the abused and those who mentor us out of the darkness, we will teach each other the contrasts of life's journey.

    I am in the group as a free spirit, not connected or affiliated with a group or agency, perhaps, unbeknownst to me….the first official member.  For, behind my name is the experience of being abused, of living 40 years in denial…being without access to my personal voice, feelings or choices in my own life.  A victim without knowing it.

    I want to walk with others who are walking behind me.  I hope my experiences will offer hope.  

    The other women in the group are different than, and yet they too are traveling their own personal journey as well as being in the profession of victim services.  They have a wider view than I, and are seeing the victims from the outside.  My view is inside out.

    Together the combinations so far, are very different and extremely helpful, like many points of light…a lighthouse for women; we can see each situation from muliple views.

    All women are welcome, for we need good role models and mentors as well as creative artful women, and those in need.  We need victims in various stages on the journey of abuse, who can utilize and grow in our midst.  A community of ladies, each bringing their unique journey to teach us about their path.

    I want this group to be a place where all truths are honored.  

    Where it is a must to just be you.

    We accept only originals.

    I am excited that the seeds are planted….the beginning as begun.  I do love that I am the first member…or at least I see me as such.  For now, "The unoffical first member."

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    Ladies on a Journey!                                               photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • My Body and Mind are with Me.

    I have been working on a book that has photographs of my quilts along with some writings and it feels like it is a completion to my Art Therapy. Sitting with each quilt and writing about what wisdom it imparted to me; a journey in fabric.

    I now can see why folks write books, for it takes all the loose ends and ties them together, completing a section of your journey.  I am seriously thinking now, of doing a reading book…one that will encapsulate how it feels to wake up in abuse and walk with truth in order to be free.

    It finally feels like I have picked apart and investigated many aspects of abuse and that I can leave it behind with full understanding…knowing it, will allow me to sidestep the same potholes in my future.

    The greatest part of my journey wasn't the act of abuse, but how I developed and grew from there.  How my mind was completely changed to make me believe in an alternate reality, one where I lived for 40 years.

    In my experience, healing from abuse is to work your way back to reality…where the truth fits in.

    It feels like I am entering into a new phase, one that isn't so littered with fragments of an unexplored life.  The mountain of abuse has to be climbed, it isn't good enough to just glance its way and walk on.  I had to become intimate with abuse in order to rescue my self from it.

    Abuse had infested each aspect of my life, for I was the common denominator and my mind was present in each of my life experiences, even when the truth was kept out. A confused mind recorded my history, "weaving the most plausible story"…as Dr. Jill Bolte writes.

    Wrestling my life back from my mind and correcting its errors has been a thrilling terrifying ride.  

    Martha Beck describes it this way. "I recall its horror and beauty, the enormity of all the things I have lost and the incalculable preciousness of the things I have gained.  I wouldn't give up the journey – not a moment of it.  On the other hand I have no desire to live it again."  

    I agree with her 100%.  I have no desire to restart this process of rewiring my mind connecting it to reality…nor would I want to again go through the disconnection of so many relationships.

    It truly is like killing one life and birthing another. Harder than death, for in death, you are just gone.  Now, I am gone from their lives, but alive.

    I felt the death of my old life. I grieved for me…while resurrecting a me.

    All that really died were lies….and what was born was truth.

    But, the lies I had come to love.

    And now I had to learn to love the truth…it took awhile for me to love the truth, for the first tastes of truth were seasoned with abuse.

    Now, I am comfortable here.  

    I love truth, and feel uncomfortable with lies and skirting around issues and pretend…or silence about the things that matter.

    I even believe that my mind is happier, more at peace, relaxed and content…for it no longer has to manufacture an overlay to hide what I didn't want to know.

    My body and mind are at ease, they agree.

    My Spirit feels safe to be me…for it no longer has a conflicted perception of the world in front of it.

    Where I am, my body and mind are with Me.

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  • Ladies Day in Marquette.

    Our Ladies Day Trip, to see the quilts hanging at the Sweet Water Cafe.

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    "Inner Joy" welcomed us as we entered…

    My girlfriend had suggested we go and see the quilts, and I am glad we did.  It was fun and almost surreal to eat in a cafe with your artwork gracing the walls. 

     "Inner Joy" is sold….as Well as "Beach House Days"….

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    The picture is a bit blurry, but this is the wall it was on at the Cafe.

    Ursula also has a sheet of paper where you can leave comments to the Artist.  I had two… It was fun to read what others think about my art.

    My friend and I then shopped, had a treat at Starbucks and shopped some more. We ate at Latitudes down by the water front.

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    Truly enjoyed the company and meal!  It was a perfect place for our dinner.

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    It was a special day for both of us…spending time, and ourselves, with each other. It was not a coincidence we met…for each have always felt it was our destiny.

    I call her my sister friend…for we have trusted each other to share our deepest pains…as well as our successes and joys of life.  

     Thanks Kirsten for spending the day with me…taking the time to honor my accomplishment, I appreciate it.

    My quilts will be there until June 19th at 3pm.



  • By Feelings.

    I always knew that my quilting was Art Therapy, I just never knew how…it just was. 

    I never sat down and dissected the parts or even looked closely at the process, but rather was focused on the fabric, quilts and design, but not at what was happening behind the scenes if you will or what the overall technique was doing.

    I was processing my pain…while the mind was focused on the quilt, my unconscious was leaking out in the overall picture.

    It was like there were two selves down there quilting.

    The conscious quilter and the unconscious pain.

    My quilts were a barometer of my unconscious pain, my fears and sense of self; as my sense of self worth grew, the Lady in my quilt became more alive and animated. And at times answers to fears were shown to be unfounded.

    What I find so odd is that I felt I was escaping myself by quilting, and yet it was there that I was most prolific.  I wasn't running from me, but towards me.

    My feelings would dictate the scene in the Art and the fabric and design.  I knew I quilted by feelings, I just never looked at what I was feeling or why I chose what fabric I did and why I felt drawn to create a lady engaged in a certain feeling.

    And there were times I would start out with one feeling and then take sudden turn and a completely different quilt would emerge.

    All of this is very amazing looking back at my quilted journey of feelings.

    What I recall most, is the times I felt so out of sorts in real life, so lost in the now and old relationships, and how at home the Lady felt on the quilt…and how she seemed to foretell my feelings, ahead of me being aware I felt that way…perhaps ahead of my mind.

    Guess that is what Art is more about, getting out of your mind and playing with feelings.

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

    A clothesline full of feelings as a woman processes her pain, her life and seeks to find hope for her future.  I was completely turned inside out and quilted from there as well.  These are my insides; my feelings and emotions.  Contrasts, convergences, waves of energy…processing who I wasn't and processing who I was…finding my way by feelings.

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  • Quilted into My Art

    Last week at Dial Help, I was given a thumb nail sketch of a few different disorders or what I guess we call Mental Conditions or ways in dealing with pain and abuse.

    One of the things we talked about was Cutting.  

    What I learned about self harming, is that it is a process. Yes, it is about feeling something (pain), but it is also about watching the scar etc appear…and about the special tools used to cut.  

    As our trainer talked about Cutters, it came to me, that I used quilting the same way.

    I was very drawn to the whole process.  It was my private space to hide in and to concentrate on the process so not to feel the pain of abuse.  And I was able to Feel, to make myself feel, except that the feelings I chose happened to be good feelings, excitement, but I was controlling how I felt.

    So, when my life would get especially confusing or out of control, I headed to the basement, where I could control what I felt, but in a totally different direction…and the process of quilting was very detailed.

    Choosing the fabric, playing with designs and watching the process of Art take place, the evolution from thought to completed quilt.

    A process of controlling my feelings.  

    I just didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I had to do this.  Imagine, how grateful I am….to have my Process (Art) on display, while cutters live in shame, hiding their scars.

    My scars…are all quilted into my Art.  

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    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri  


  • Arrived at a New Place

    Well, the day finally arrived. With some trepidation or perhaps curosity in how it would all go, I walked into the Sweet Water Cafe, with a carpet roll of quilts.

    A group of Weavers, were in the process of taking their work down. It reminded me of setting up a craft show.  You arrive with your things, and are given a space and you just work with what you got. 

    The owner of the cafe was so excited with my art, which immediately set me at ease.  

    She was very decisive and knew her space and where she wanted each piece. And she knew her hanging system, which isn't the best, but works. She said that a few folks over her 19 years of having revolving art shows, have made comments to improve her system. Her response, "With great Art, you don't notice," and she said to me, "All they will see is your art."

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    Here is a space near the cash register – Before

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    And with my art.  Her favorite was the Lady in the Hammock.  She said, "I want to be her, I want to be there."  

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    This is overlooking the back, as you walk in the door and that is Ursula. Sorry for my lighting, but you get the idea.  On the left near the windows, three more will hang.

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     This is also near the cash register…my colors seemed to work with her space.

    She had a meeting, and so I left before it was totally done.  In fact, only 6 pieces were up. So who knows how the finished Cafe looked when it was all said and done. But, I took pictures of the before….you can see what the space looks like empty.

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    This wall can hold very large pieces…and I would have my own dowel on them when I dropped them off.  It would speed up the hanging process.  She picked three Lady quilts that will hang on this wall.  And the opposite side, near the windows, will have more…Just hanging them on the backs of the booths, brightened up the place.

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     I was happy to get the "before" shots, and it is best that I wasn't able to get the final After, for that you have to stop in at the Sweet Water Cafe.

    As I was leaving, I reached out my hand in thanks…Ursula says, "I feel I need to give you a hug, for you are leaving part of your self here." And so we did.  I felt good leaving my Lady there. (And she gave me a loaf of their bread…it is delicious)

    It was a very positive experience.  And I love that my Art is now out of the dark basement and being appreciated by others…creating a welcoming atmosphere while they dine.  

    My Art and I…what a journey.  We both have arrived at a new place.

  • All Her Stages!

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    I found the black,white, red border fabric and was very drawn to it.  I then picked a few more that would accent it nicely…and added a few from my stash.  When I completed the stripes, I brought it upstairs and some of the whites were "off whites" and so I set it aside.  

    Then yesterday morning I thought, I will finish it, so what if there are two shades of white…man, my past has many shades…I can use it as if I planned to have different shades.  I then went and added the thin stripes and the flowered border.  I loved it, when I felt it wasn't supposed to match perfectly.

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    As I was working to complete the background, yellow came to me…I knew I had to add yellow, and so I did.  I had it completed this far, when I stepped away from it to do the pricing on the other quilts.

    When I seen the stages of my lady…I knew what I wanted on this quilt….all of them.

    And so I created them this afternoon.  With a few tweaks to the original 3 dresses, and an addition of a few more….here is the completed design.  I still have to machine quilt in the borders, but the composition is done, which is my favorite part. Once the ladies are quilted and complete….My real fun is over.  Then it is just doing the finishing touches.

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    I was pleased with the way it all flowed.  It amazes me how a spark, a thought, a span of time passes, a new slant comes in….and voila, a new Lady quilt is born.

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     I loved the red polkadot fabric.  This was the start…the awakening, the seed of the Lady!

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    And a closer view of the rest…

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    The progression….and the flung back attitude of confidence, strength and knowing. Love her…in all her stages!

  • My Journey in Fabric.

    I had to go and hang up the Storyline quilts….and with a cursory glance to get them in order, I was totally amazed…and this is without their personal one on one time with me.  Wow.  (I know it sounds odd that I, the girl who made them, is a bit late to the game of understanding them…the message goes beyond the workmanship, the colors and the designs.)

    Here are a few highlights.

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    The first quilt is what I created to depict, "dropping the ego" and how you would rise when this happened.  The second quilt was about meditation and it just so happened that the background has a butterfly, a sign of transformation.

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    This third one is titled, "Soul Lost" and standing back, it appears to be a large hand taking or pulling the soul ( moon slice, out of the quagmire…..This I have never seen in the quilt before, it was just a mish mash mess and the halfmoon cresent of gold.

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    The pink one shows one ball untangled from the mess and is floating free…and ironically or not, a person appears on a floating ball in the second. (The second one, I just pulled from going to Marquette this morning.)

    What blows my mind is that these were all made 'randomly' and separately, a confused lady playing in fabric…quilting to find peace away from her upside down world and mental mind.

    Unbelievable, and it is me who chose the fabric, played with color and design…to see the connection and progression these have.  

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    And the little quilt shows the lady arising out the energy….like the whole background is the content of the ball of energy she rode out on.  

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    And to see these two side by each, you can see the size difference as well as her movement and overall energy.

    It will be an amazing process to get these in a book, to find a blog post, or perhaps write from scratch.  There are over twenty at least that will be included.  


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    There are more, but these seemed to be the main line….This collection will be on display at the Strawberry Festival Quilt show in July….the Saturday after the 4th.

    I can't wait to begin to work with this whole line and see my journey in fabric.

  • My Art Shows my Inner Changes.

    I had put off pricing my quilts, for the task seemed overwhelming. Today I asked a special friend of mine to give me hand, to see if we could find a respectable price that our local market would hold, yet honor the energy and Art of each piece. 

    The pile of twenty was quickly moved into smaller categories of size and composition.  From that point, we appraised its energy, story and fabric content (hand-dyed vs store bought) and found a price. 

    Once the prices were in range, I then went to work on giving each a name and brief description.

    These quilts had been set aside as quilts I could sell, for they didn't seem to have what I called my story line or were part of my healing Art Therapy, or had a bit of me in them. Yet when I began to give them titles and sit and stare at each one, all are part of my journey and in fact they hold energies of joy, feelings of sorrow, weight of tangled confusion, brilliant wisdom, subtle nuances and wistful growth, sisterhood, sister friends, soul sisters, etc…all carry a part of my healing, the past and the future.

    I could also see how my lady started.

    She was small. 

    She lacked movement and energy.

    She was drowned out by the color and design upon which she stood.

    As the years went on, she grew animated with movement, even her sorrow was pronounced…and her self worth blatantly evident in her size.,

    What I didn't expect from this collection of quilts is to see so much of me…and to feel the small almost unrecognizable me and the how the background energy moved into the Lady.

    Below are some from what I call my personal story line, that will show you how I saw myself back in 2005.

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    She is one of the first ladies to emerge…Her size in comparison to the background really hit me.  How small I saw myself…insignificant almost. 

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    Actually this one came before the previous one, for she doesn't even have hair… The writing in the quilting says, "Freedom to be free".  At the time it was a dream, a thought…a someday desire.  An unknown feeling. And the freedom seemed to be around me and I was trying to catch it.

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    What struck me about these dancing ladies is the empty head…first I thought how sad, and then I thought, how delightful, to be empty of beliefs and thoughts, to be wide open. A clean slate…a new me. (this one was one of the first lady quilts to sell)

    In looking below at one of the latest quilts, one I pulled out of the pile going to Marquette, (I wasn't ready to let her go and she seems to be truly apart of my storyline) you can see how the lady and the background are equally as bright and infused with energy.  A balance…I am no longer smaller than my surroundings.

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    So, no matter which quilt I have done, there you will find me…a snippet of my journey, a bit of inner wisdom and knowing…without words, you see me in the shape, color and design.  Wow, Art really is revealing.

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    The description I wrote for this quilt, titled, "Comfortable Wisdom"…is, 

      "She rests easy in knowing who she is, where she has been…no regrets.  She  fully accepts the past and is at peace with the present…a lover of reality."  

    You simply can't hide in Art…it sneaks into every aspect of what you create.  

    As odd as it sounds, the more time I spend with my art, the more I understand it and the more in awe I become.  While playing with the fabrics and designs I am blind to the subtle blaring messages that are screaming at me in silence.  Just amazing to not see yourself…it is a slow progression.  I changed as my art changed…or my art shows my inner changes.


  • The Story of Becoming Me

    In reading the comments on the Extoots Blog, I marvel at the secrecy and how they hide their identities…while commenting freely about their religion; either why they stay or why they left.

    It is like they are talking about a government that will harm them IF they are found to be in noncompliance…or plotting to leave is punishable.  

    How is this a free religion when fear is so instilled in grown adults…where they are able to vote, drive and drink…but God forbid they speak up about a religion, so they leave their names out.

    It continues to shock me….but not surprise me. 

    Fear is what keeps them hiding their true identity….like criminals almost.  Or folks on TV, who, out of fear, distort their images and voices.  

    Isn't it odd that fear is the overlying sentiment and not enthusiasm for finding a new pathway, a truer life for themselves…or being so happy within their religion.

    I can respect their wishes, but if they only knew how self defeating it is to hide their truths.  

    By standing up and saying their names and standing with the truth of why they left or why they remain inside is very powerful.  

    It isn't about the religion itself, but the power of being proud of who you are.

    I don't know if it is like this when you leave all churches, but it sure seems that there are many people who are not willing to openly admit that they are no longer members of the FALC church and why….let alone speak it using their real names.

    However, I recall knowing I no longer matched the religion and wondered how I would tell my mother, how I would leave and what it would mean to my children to stop going. Funny, but sad…the reasons had nothing to do about me, but more to do about the folks around me.

    Once the investigation about my father happened, the door swung open easily…I didn't stay for others, I left for me.

    I didn't hesitate.  I didn't hide.  I left with the fullest of understanding, what I was leaving…even if I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up.  It didn't matter what others thought or said.  I followed my inner voice, my guts, my feelings and never, not once, have ever looked back with regret.

    How can I regret being Me?  

    How can I regret my truth?

    What I know for sure, is that you can't know what freedom is, until you have experienced being controlled.

    You could say, that religion brought me to freedom. 

    Just as living in a dysfunctional family brought me to know what love and wholeness was…I had to first learn what it was not.  

    Loving that I don't have to live anonymously!  I love that I get to live fully exposed as Me!  There is no part of me I want to hide…

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    Part of My Story Line Quilts….the story of becoming Me!