I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • The body’s wisdom.

    In Steven Pressfield's book, "What we talk about when we talk about God" he writes;

    "When we say that we had a draining conversation with someone, who knows what kind of exchange was going on at a subatomic level?  That person may actually been draining us. It may not be just a figure of speech."

    "When we talk about how that person took a piece of us, did she really?"

    "When we say that somebody sucked the life out of us, how do we know that he didn't do exactly that?

    "What the modern world did in its fascination with parts and pieces is teach us that we are individual, isolated human units, talking and conversing and interacting but not much more than that. What we intuitively know, however, and what we're learning more and more from current science, is that there's way more going on between us than we first thought."

    "There are different kinds of engagement and drain, and they affect us in much different ways. When a high school student walks out at the end of taking the SATs, her brain is cooked. When you finish a five-mile run or an hour-long weight-lifting session, your muscles ache and you're drenched with sweat. But, when your friend's mother dies and you go to the funeral, that's a different kind of fatigue. It drains not so much your brain or muscles as it drains your spirit. Some events exhaust us at a spirit level, in the same way that some people can crush our spirit if we let them. Learning to be present to our depths means paying attention to all interactions and the toll they exact or the life they bring to that most mysterious, elusive aspect of ourselves we call spirit."

    "Remember Einstein's discovery that matter is locked-up energy, and energy is liberated matter? You exert a gravitational pull on every object around you, including people. And, they're doing the same, at the exact same time."

    "When we encounter someone inspiring, it may be way more than words or actions that she gives us. Likewise, when someone makes something for us and then gives it to us and it means something to us and moves us, we feel like a part of that person is present in the gift. It's not because we are superstitious; it's because a part of him may actually be in the gift."

    "When we talk about the vibes somebody gives off,

    or the not-so-good feeling we're getting from someone,

    or we're sure that somebody is jealous,

    or harboring bitterness,

    or distracted,

    our bodies are doing the job that highly sophisticated radar systems do,

    picking up signals and processing them in real time.

    Deep, as we know, calls to deep."

    "Our body language and facial expressions and changes in posture when we're interacting with each other are so vast and varied that some of them can't be consciously noticed until they're videotaped and played back in slow motion." 

    "When you have that sense that someone has more to tell you but you don't know how you know that, there's a good chance that her body sent your body information faster than your mind could notice it."

    "The brain alone is stunning in its endless ability to process and morph and transform in response to external stimuli. This is called neuroplasticity, and from it we learn that how we focus our attention actually shapes our brain."

    "Joy is contagious,

    and despair brings everybody down,

    and when positive energy is present and flowing,

    we all benefit."

    Steven Pressfield.

    I would say that mostly I am challenged in the way I listen to my body. The way I allow myself to move away from energies that feel bad.  Especially from family members whose energies feel bad in my body.

    In the past, I wasn't aware…no that is a lie.  I was aware of how I felt in the presence of people, but I would not let myself respond in kind.  I would endure the energy exchange….for appreances and to be a 'good' sister or daughter.

    I no longer care about the appearance on the outside, I will no longer subject my body to negative energy in order to be 'liked'.

    Once I became aware of my body's language and its radar and the correctness of it…I listened, trusted and believe its messages.  I simply follow how it feels.

    My body and everyone's body has this wonderful capabilities.  And, I believe, when you discount or override its systems; its dis-ease.

    Your body and soul are not at one.

    Discounting the body leads you far astray from your soul; your passion, your peace, your love, and joy.  

    In sexual abuse, especially from a family member or friend, it takes our natural ability to move away from bad.  It turns our minds against our bodies.

    We no longer trust our bodies.

    We no longer like our bodies.

    We no longer love our bodies.

    We disconnect and live a few feet away from them.

    Now, unable to hear its messages.

    We do this. For the message would be too frightening to a child to know they live with monsters.  Instead, we make the monsters nice and disconnect from the fear and terror that rages in the small body.

    Healing to me, is to re-connect back to the body….to reality and to move with the body's wisdom.


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  • Who we truly are.

    Here is an excerpt from the book, "What we talk about when we talk about God." by Rob Bell

    "I was twenty-five years old, just starting out as a pastor, and one evening after I'd given a sermon, a man named George walked up to me and told me that I needed to go to an AA meeting.  I was totally caught off guard and muttered something about how I wasn't aware that I was an alcoholic.  He said that it didn't matter, that everything I needed to know about being a pastor I would learn if I went, and that when it came to my turn to share in the meeting I should simply say, "Hi, I'm Rob and I pass." 

    "So, I went, and it changed my life."

    "As the people when around the room and told their stories, the gears in my mind turned as fast as they could, trying to figure out and name what it was about the meeting that was so different from any other gathering I'd ever been in."

    "Slowly it dawned on me what it was: I was in a bullshit-free zone."

    "In the first meeting I went to, people were talking about the first of the twelver recovery steps, which deals with admitting your powerlessness."

    "Admitting demands Honesty."

    "Admitting demands a ruthless assessment of your condition."

    "Admitting is what happens when you've hit the wall, 

     when you have no energy left to pretend,

    when you're done playing games, 

    when you no longer care what other people think,

    when you've come to the end of yourself,

    when you're ready to embrace the truth that you need help, and that on your own you're in serious trouble because you've made a mess of things."

    "As I sat there, it was as if I could see, really see, for the first time, just how much time and energy and effort we expend making sure that everybody knows how strong, smart, quick, competent, capable, together, and good we are. (I imagine you could add your own words to the list.)"

    "It's hard to see just how much that posturing consumes us until you're in a room where it's absent – a room where people aren't doing any of that because they are giving their energies to admitting."

    "Our need to control how others see us is like a God we've been bowing down to for so long we don't even realize it  But in an AA meeting, no one has the energy left for that sort of thing. You come face to face with yourself as you truly are."

    "And now here's the twist,

    the mystery,

    the unexpected truth about admitting that takes us back to the counter-intuitive power of gospel: 

    When you come to the end of yourself, you are at that exact moment in the kind of place where you can fully experience the God who is for you."  Steven Pressfield

    I have great respect for the folks who are at the end of themselves, who live their lives in the bullshit-free zone!

    It is rare and brilliant when you see them in all their glory…uncapping their whole lives, leaving nothing out.

    Often it seems like I live in the bullshit-free zone and collide with those who are repelled by it.  It leaves us standing in a weird space. Where they can't believe my story and I can't believe theirs.  Where their bullshit doesn't fit into my world…it just doesn't make sense, doesn't fit the definition, doesn't compute or relate.

    How easy the world would be if we all were to face who we truly are.

     

  • You don’t know who you are.

    "'No' can be a beautiful word, every bit as beautiful as 'yes', "writers John Robbins and Ann Mortifee declare. "Whenever we deny our need to say 'no', our self-respect diminishes," they tell us in In Search of Balance Discoverying Harmony in a Changing World. "It is not only our right at certain times to say 'no'; it is our deepest responsibility. For it is a gift to ourselves when say 'not' to those old habits that dissipate our energy, 'no' to what robs us of our inner joy, 'no' to what distracts us from our purpose. And it is a gift to others to say 'no' when their expectations do not ring true for us, for in doing so we free them to discover more fully the truth of their own path. Saying 'no' can be liberating when it expresses our commitment to take a stand for what we believe we truly need."  (from Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach

    No is one word that has gotten a bad rap, it is covered with negative feelings, when in fact it is the gateway to freedom.

    I love that I can say no.  I love that I can signify no. I love that I use No.

    No is the word that is taken from us in abuse.

    No was also removed in Religion, where choices were sliced away.

    As Byron Katie says, "If you can't say NO, I don't trust your YES."

    I am not sure if you can maintain your own boundaries without the use of the word No. In fact, I would say it is impossible.  

    By removing a child's ability to say No, we are setting them up to live without boundaries. The greatest gift we can give our children is the ability to say no, especially to us.  Relationships without No, are not healthy.

    I honor the word No much more than the word Yes. Yes is typically used for something you like and is joyful and easy.

    No is a word that may come out shaky and filled with anxiety…as we begin to reclaim our lives and our choices.

    No is a word that signifies a choice.

    It means 'no thank you'…I pass.

    I will sit this one out.

    No is a word of power of empowerment…a vote for what you believe in, what you stand for or stand against.

    Without No, a Yes isn't so positive, but just a way to keep from kicking up dust or making a fuss.  Yes is easy it requires no self control or power.  It goes along to get along. It is to stay with the crowd and not stand out.  It is the weakest of the two words…and the path most traveled.

    Once No is an option…you are able to discern your preference.

    Without a preference you are held prisoner to another's wishes/dreams or commands.

    Imagine No is a way out of old habits…cults, abuse, bad relationships, etc.

    The ability to say yes OR no, is freedom.

    And, if you don't have the power to use No, you will not understand those who can and will feel their No affects you.

    Once you use No liberally, you will allow others to do so as well.  It separates and unhooks you from others.  You become a free unit.

    No has been my greatest gift to me.

    I do not trust anyone who can't say No.

    A person without the capabilities to say no, appear foggy to me; unclear.

    Definition is decided with No…and Yes….but not with just yes.

    Always saying yes, means you don't know who you are.

     


  • Believing in the Impossible.

    The following is the transcript from Diane Benscoter's talk at TED…"How Cults Rewire the Brain."

    My journey to coming here today started in 1974. That's me with the funny gloves. I was 17 and going on a peace walk. What I didn't know though, was most of those people, standing there with me, were Moonies. (Laughter) And within a week I had come to believe that the second coming of Christ had occurred, that it was Sun Myung Moon, and that I had been specially chosen and prepared by God to be his disciple.

    Now as cool as that sounds, my family was not that thrilled with this. (Laughter) And they tried everything they could to get me out of there. There was an underground railroad of sorts that was going on during those years. Maybe some of you remember it. They were called deprogrammers. And after about five long years my family had me deprogrammed. And I then became a deprogrammer. I started going out on cases. And after about five years of doing this, I was arrested for kidnapping. Most of the cases I went out on were called involuntary. What happened was that the family had to get their loved ones some safe place somehow. And so they took them to some safe place. And we would come in and talk to them, usually for about a week. And so after this happened, I decided it was a good time to turn my back on this work.


    And about 20 years went by. There was a burning question though that would not leave me. And that was, "How did this happen to me?" And in fact, what did happen to my brain? Because something did. And so I decided to write a book, a memoir, about this decade of my life.

    And toward the end of writing that book there was a documentary that came out. It was on Jonestown. And it had a chilling effect on me. These are the dead in Jonestown. About 900 people died that day, most of them taking their own lives. Women gave poison to their babies, and watched foam come from their mouths as they died.

    The top picture is a group of Moonies that have been blessed by their messiah. Their mates were chosen for them. The bottom picture is Hitler youth. This is the leg of a suicide bomber. The thing I had to admit to myself, with great repulsion, was that I get it. I understand how this could happen. I understand how someone's brain, how someone's mind can come to the place where it makes sense — in fact it would be wrong, when your brain is working like that — not to try to save the world through genocide.

    And so what is this? How does this work? And how I've come to view what happened to me is a viral, memetic infection. For those of you who aren't familiar with memetics, a meme has been defined as an idea that replicates in the human brain and moves from brain to brain like a virus, much like a virus. The way a virus works is — it can infect and do the most damage to someone who has a compromised immune system.

    In 1974, I was young, I was naive, and I was pretty lost in my world. I was really idealistic. These easy ideas to complex questions are very appealing when you are emotionally vulnerable. What happens is that circular logic takes over. "Moon is one with God. God is going to fix all the problems in the world. All I have to do is humbly follow. Because God is going to stop war and hunger — all these things I wanted to do — all I have to do is humbly follow. Because after all, God is [working through] the messiah. He's going to fix all this." It becomes impenetrable. And the most dangerous part of this is that is creates "us" and "them," "right" and "wrong," "good" and "evil." And it makes anything possible, makes anything rationalizable.

    And the thing is, though, if you looked at my brain during those years in the Moonies — neuroscience is expanding exponentially, as Ray Kurzweil said yesterday. Science is expanding. We're beginning to look inside the brain. And so if you looked at my brain, or any brain that's infected with a viral memetic infection like this, and compared it to anyone in this room, or anyone who uses critical thinking on a regular basis, I am convinced it would look very, very different.
    And that, strange as it may sound, gives me hope.

    And the reason that gives me hope is that the first thing is to admit that we have a problem. But it's a human problem. It's a scientific problem, if you will. It happens in the human brain. There is no evil force out there to get us. And so this is something that, through research and education, I believe that we can solve. And so the first step is to realize that we can do this together, and that there is no "us" and "them." Thank you very much (Diane)

    What I understand the most is the circular brain and the memic virus in how it doesn't allow for a rational thought to come in.  It is the answer to how my family of origin can keep thinking and believing in something that is so insidious…as there is love where abuse lives.  And how the FALC and dysfunctional families are able to flourish with such insane beliefs.  A memic infection.  

    It is beyond reason…their circular thinking won't allow for critical thinking.

    My experience is that their brains will not allow another viewpoint.

    And, it would literally take someone to deprogram them.

    I totally get the brain that has been infected by a memic ideal and/or belief.

    And this paragraph alone explains their thinking…..

    It becomes impenetrable. And the most dangerous part of this is that is creates "us" and "them," "right" and "wrong," "good" and "evil." And it makes anything possible, makes anything rationalizable.

    In making anything rationalizable….is perhaps the most damaging part.  For it removes the critical discernment between where reality lies and fictional or improbable outcomes.  Leaving them believing in the impossible.


  • Try and Make Nice.

    "The Artist committing himself to his calling has volunteered for hell, whether he knows it or not. He will be dining for the duration on a diet of isolation, rejection, self-doubt, despair, ridicule, contempt, and humiliation."  Steven Pressfield

    This is a true statement…in my experience as I attempt to follow what I see is my calling, in speaking up as a victim of sexual abuse…and using my Art Therapy Quilts as a way to raise awareness, to foster courage and allow others who find themselves in opposition with their families due to abuse.

    It truly never was a dream of mine to be a thorn in the side of many or to live unveiled and without secrets, or to experience in life contempt, disdain, rejection isolation from family…whose eventual outcome was estrangement.

     I had never been one to make waves within the family and would have done most anything so as not to be ridiculed or seen with sheer contempt….and yet, now I am literally and consciously doing things that bring out the worst in my family.  I do so, not to anger them, but to do what I feel is my soul's work.

    In order to live what I believe, I will knowingly upset them…more than I already have.

    I even contemplated my own actions or non-actions and wondered just where am I…when my body and intuition or spirit refuses to even behave in a way as one person put it, human.

    And then I swing back to the reasons I am doing this new calling gig that was chosen for me.  Now there is non-human behavior…when a father abuses his child.

     Last night I had asked in desperation, just what is my intentions, am I acting inhumane?  Have I lost it?  What is the landscape and where do I stand? Is this agitator lifestyle my lot in life now?  Am I unable to be kind or nice or social when it comes to my family of origin?  Is this forever?  The new unliked me among them?

    I had dreams last night…two of them.  Both were of adults acting in inappropriate ways, with children present and the adults unconcerned in the least.  As I tried to reason with them, they wouldn't take me serious…

    I awoke with a feeling that it isn't I who is acting unusual…

    I understand that I was dreaming. I also understand, that my dreams are a place where I find answers, when I ask in desperation…showing me clearly by the feelings of the dreams.

    And then this morning continued to read Steven Pressfield's book, "The War of Art".

    "Remember, the part of us that we imagine needs healing is not the part we create from; that part is far deeper and stronger. The part we create from can't be touched by anything our parents did, or society did. That part is unsullied, uncorrupted; soundproof, waterproof, and bulletproot. In fact, the more troubles we've got, the better and richer that part becomes."

    So, IF I am reading this correctly, the more trouble I have in dealing/relating/socializing with my estranged family, the better and richer is my creativity…

    Here is another section I loved….

    "Resistance and Isolation"

    "Friends sometimes ask, "Don't you get lonely sitting by yourself all day?"  At first it seemed odd to hear myself answer No. Then I realized that I was not alone; I was in the book; I was with the characters. I was with my Self."

    "Not only do I not feel alone with my characters; they are more vivid and interesting to me than the people in my real life. If you think about it, the case can't be otherwise. In order for a book (or any project or enterprise) to hold our attention for the length of time it takes to unfold itself, it has to plug into some internal perplexity or passion that is paramount importance to us. That problem becomes the theme of our work, even if we can't at the start understand or articulate it. As the characters arise, each embodies infallibly an aspect of that dilemma, that perplexity.These characters might not be interesting to anyone else but they're absolutely fascinating to us. They are us. Meaner, smarter, sexier versions of ourselves. It's fun to be with them because they're wrestling with the same issues that has its hooks into us. They're our soul mates, our lovers, our best friends. Even the villians. Especially the villians."

    "Even in a book like this, which has no characters, I don't feel alone because I'm imagining the reader, whom I conjure as an aspiring artist much like my own younger, less grizzled self, to whom I hope to impart a little starch and inspiration and prime, a little, with some hard-knocks wisdom and a few tricks of the trade." Steven

    What I love about the Artist that he writes about….I can see this is how I am with the Lady Quilts….and then how I am as I write this blog.  I am isolated, rejected and looked at with contempt from my family….but, there are others like me who I am connected with as they view My Ladies…or read my words and experiences.

    I guess what I know the most, is that my group or like minded folks are no longer my family…I don't resonate with understanding anymore.

    Where I used to be one with them…I am now at odds…and it would insult my calling or soul's voice to try and make nice.

     


  • The War of Art

    "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield


    "Fundamentalism"

    "The artist and the fundamentalist both confront the same issue, the mystery of their existence as individuals.  Each asks the same questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life?"

    "At more primitive stages of evolution, humanity didn't have to deal with such questions.  In the states of savagery, of barbarism, in nomadic culture, medieval society, in the tribe and the clan, one's position was fixed by the commandments of the community.  It was only with the advent of modernity (starting with the ancient Greeks), with the birth of freedom and of the individual, that such matters ascended to the fore."

    "These are not easy questions. Who am I? Why am I here? They're not easy because human being isn't wired to function as an individual.  We're wired tribally, to act as part of a group.  Our psyches are programmed by millions of years of hunter-gatherer evolution.  We know what the clan is; we know how to fit into the band and the tribe. What we don't know is how to be alone. We don't know how to be free individuals."

    "The artist and the fundamentalist arise from societies at differing stages of development. The artist is the advanced model.  His culture possesses affluence, stability, enough excess of resource to permit the luxury of self-examination.  The artist is grounded in freedom.  He is not afraid of it.  He is lucky.  He was born in the right place.  He has a core of self-confidence, of hope for the future. He believes in progress and evolution. His faith is that humankind is advancing, however haltingly and imperfectly, toward a better world."

    "The fundamentalist entertains no such notion.  In his view, humanity has fallen from a higher state. The truth is not out there awaiting revelations; it has already been revealed. The word of God has been spoken and recorded by His prophet, be Jesus, Muhammand, or Karl Marx."

    "Fundamentalism is the philosphy of the powerless, the conquered, the displaced and the dispossessed.  Its spawning ground is the wreckage of political and military defeat, as Hebrew fundamentalism arose during the Babylonian captivity, as white Christian fundamentalism appeared in the American South during the Reconstruction, as the notion of the Master Race evolved in Germany following World War I.  In such desperate times, the vanquished race would perish without a doctrine that restored hope and pride.  Islamic fundamentalism ascends from the same landscape of despair and possesses the same tremendous and potent appeal."

    "What exactly is this despair?  It is the despair of Freedom. The dislocation and emasculation experienced by the individual cut free from the familiar and comforting structures of the tribe and the clan, the village and the family."

    "It is the state of modern life."

    "The fundamentalist (or, more accurately, the beleaguered individual who comes to embrace fundamentalism) cannot stand freedom. He can't find his way into the future, so he retreats to the past.  He returns in imagination to the glory days of his race and seeks to reconstitute both them and himself in their purer, more virtuous light. He gets back to the basics.To Fundamentals."

    "Fundamentalism and art are mutually exclusive. There is no such thing as fundamentalist art. This does not mean that the fundamentalist is not creative. Rather, his creativity is inverted.  He creates destruction. Even the structures he builds, his schools and networks of organizations, are dedicated to annihilation, of his enemies and of himself."

     "But the fundamentalist reserves his greatest creativity for the fashioning of Satan, the image of his foe, in opposition to which he defines and gives meaning to his own life. Like the artist, the fundamentalist experiences Resistance. he experiences it as temptation to sin. Resistance to the fundamentalist is the call of the Evil One, seeking to seduce him from his virtue. The fundamentalist is consumed with Satan, whom he loves as he loves death. Is it coincidence that the suicide bombers of the World Trade Center frequented strip clubs during their training, or that they conceived of their reward as a squadron of virgin brides and the license to ravish them in the fleshpots of heaven? The fundamentalist hates and fears woman because he sees them as vessels of Satan, temptresses like Delilah who seduces Samson from his power."

    "To combat the call of sin, i.e., Resistance, the fundamentalist plunges either into action or into the study of sacred texts. He loses himself in these, much as the artist does the process of creation. The difference is that while the one looks forward, hoping to create a better world, the other looks backward, seeking to return to a purer world from which he and all have fallen."

    "The humanist believes that humankind, as individuals, is called upon to co-create the world of God.  This is why he values human life so highly.  In his view, things do progress, life does evolve; each individual has value, at least potentially, in advancing this cause. The fundamentalist cannot conceive of this. In his society, dissent is not just crime but apostasy; it is heresy, transgression against God Himself."

    "When the fundamentalist wins, the world enters the dark age. Yet still I can't condemn one who is drawn to this philosophy.  I consider my own inner journey, the advantages I've had of education, affluence, family support, health, and the blind good luck to be born American, and still I have learned to exist as an autonomous individual, if indeed I have, only by a whisker, and at the cost I would hate to have to reckon up."

    "It may be that the human race is not ready for freedom. The air of liberty may be too rarefied for us to breathe. Certainly I wouldn't be writing this book, on the subject, if living with freedom was easy. The paradox seems to be, as Socrates demonstrated long ago, that the truly free individual is free only to the extent of his own self-mastery. While those who will not govern themselves are condemned to find masters to govern over them."  Steven Pressfield.

    I find this very interesting how the "fundamentalist" is looking to go backward and the artist to go forward.  One is dancing with the devil.  How similar is the FALC to the fundamentalist.

     

  • Beyond Fabric!

    I am not sure what I expected the Meet the Artist event to be like, but it was way cool….very nicely set up, flowers, cake and refreshments….with wonderful people milling about….surrounded by my quilts.  

    Yet it wasn't about me….really or the Art specifically….or the journey of recovery….but about us all.  Each one brought something that made the night perfect.

    I truly do love that many love and get my ladies and the message that seems to pour out of the seams….the way she speaks the language of the viewer…touching cords deep down within.

    I saw old friends and surprise friends….and new ones yet to be.  I felt again the helpful caring nature of those who work for Copper Country Mental Health.  

    I had a wonderful young lady sing me a song.  Yes, that's right…she sang for me.  It was a beautiful song about the Spirit in the Wind…the Spirit in the Earth and the magic, I believe, of the moon….and the Fire Within!  She will be sending me the right words…she said she viewed my ladies by the water….in nature and was inspired to sing to me.  

    I feel that this is a debut for My lady….for there was talk about her going on the road.  And, she travels well….like a carpet roll!  How cool will that be.  To see where she goes and who she meets and the connections she will make….

    Oh, and the local paper was there.  I do believe the reporter was quite taken with My Lady and the way she introduced herself to me….by secretly coming out in my Art. So, he said he was going to submit it to the paper for tomorrow….we will see.

    It seemed the like the right and perfect place for her to be….gracing the walls of the place where so many go to seek the answers…and to even inspire those who are working with folks like me.

    We all were in awe….My Lady and I….a journey that will go beyond fabric!


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    Again, thanks to Joe, Shelly and the rest of the staff…for making the perfect "Meet the Artist" event and for the wonderful folk who came to meet My Lady and I…..

  • Toys and Candy

    In the jeep today, I listened to Nujood Ali's story, "I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced."  What a remarkable girl.  

    She is the first one to break down the door; showing a different way.  

    She is trying to get the laws of Yemen changed…for it to be illegal to marry before 18.  At the time of the book, the law hadn't been embraced by the leader of her country….

    What you hear is a little girl caught up in a grown-up world far beyond her years of comprehension and without family who dared or moved to help her.  In fact, it was her father who married her to an older man….and she but 9 or 10. (She doesn't have papers to know her real age or birthday.)

    After she was granted a divorce, two other little girls, ages 9 and 10 also got divorces.

    Imagine???

    She often drew a house with beautiful windows. When asked about the home she dreamed of….It was a home for girls like her.  A place for them to go to escape family.  A House of Joy!

    It goes to show what great change one person can achieve, if they dare to buck the system.  

    In 2008, she was only 10 years old….today she is near 18.  Her goal was to become a lawyer to help other little girls like herself and to Never Get Married, ever!

    I wonder where she is today and what turns and roads her life has taken.  

    I almost, ALMOST, respect these men who openly marry to perform sexual abuse, for they are doing it in plain view.  I said, "almost".  And how tragic that the grown women in her life, did nothing to help her, but to say, "This is what the life of women is in Yemen, for generations…to suffer in silence for the sake of family honor."

    She didn't even know what "Honor" meant.  Or, how her suffering would be good for her father and her family name.

    I got that.  

    How the family honor is upheld as long as we suffer in silence.

    Nevermind, that the honor wasn't there to begin with.

    All it takes for changes to happen, is for someone to dare to be different! 

    Go Nujood!  I hope you are following you life intentions….and that you will be a lawyer and have a house of Joy, for the little girls who have lost their childhood.

    When she was divorced, she wanted toys and candy.


     

  • Protecting my truths.

    In an online group, we were having a conversation about journaling, and one women said, her journal is on her computer and password protected, and it struck me as it was her true self that she didn't want known.  Or, at least that is what my journals are filled with, bits and pieces and scattered and jumbled up thoughts, about me, my feelings and need to express.

    How it hit me, that when we feel this desperate need to hide our selves…it (the things we don't want known) then has power and becomes a shield or wall in front of us.  The words we write but don't dare have anyone know.

    I wonder too, how adults still live in this spot.  Or perhaps how they live in front of this secret spot, not wanting or able to live from the spot itself.

    I have a real hard time now, recollecting how I too used to live without ever touching, looking or even considering, my secret spot; my truth.

    And, how I would often catch glimpses of wishes…of telling someone the truth, but instead politely smile and go along.  Or grit my teeth, and try to stem the flow of rage. Or do it, get it over with, and then return to my peace…like doling out parcels of my life, and saving small bits for me.  

    I didn't even write a journal until I was 46 years old.

    In "Simple Abundance" Sarah Ban Breathnach writes, "But in order to be true to a creative work, the artist must journey to the center of self.  Past the conscious sentries in the brain, beyond the barbed wire barricades of the heart, into the trenches of "truth or dare." You can't write a true sentence or live authentically if you don't trust yourself. You can trust yourself without courage."

    What I know now, 8 years later, is that I was unable, unwilling and not even aware or conscious, that the life I was living was out in front of my secret spot.  And, once my secret spot was exposed, (I was sexual abused by my father) I had to write in order to find out who I was.

    Journal writing was self exploration, it was excavating of my soul.  And, I guess once it made the local news and papers, the need to hide was null and void.

    But, what I know for certain, the need to hide and be secret, is the very thing that is stopping you from living a soul full life of freedom and living in love, peace and joy!

    I am so grateful that I am able to live from my inner spot…and have not from the outer layer, in front of the barrier that is protecting my truths.

    "No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader." Rober Frost.

  • Freely as who you are.

    There is a great article in the O Magazine this month, by Martha Beck….here is a bit of it.

    "Horse Sense"

    "Avery looks utterly bewildered. Since her confusion is vital to the process, I just smile."

    "I have brought Avery to my ranch today to help her understand why she feels anxious and uncertain in her life; why she rages at collegues, her children, her husband.  Though I've been serving as Avery's life coach for several weeks, there are things she can learn here, with Koelle and Ernie, that all the talking in the world could never convey."

    "But Koelle's request has thrown her. "Do whatever you want?" she repeats.  It's clear she has no idea what that might be.  Since infancy, Avery – like most of us- has done what she's supposed to do, not what she wants to do. She knows how she's "supposed" to act as a wife, mother, employee. But in equine life coaching, there is no "supposed to." There is you, an animal and the present moment. What you do with the situation is your choice, and for Avery, choice is an unfamiliar prospect." 

    "An equine coaching session consists of the following; You stand near a horse. You gesture to that horse. It gestures back. For a while, it all feels strange and random. But eventually, in a process beyond verbal description, you begin to feel a cell-deep, almost telepathic communication between you and the creature. Awakening your ability to connect with the horse allows you to understand yourself entirely in new ways. And in the weeks that follow, that understanding quietly transforms your life."

    "But Avery isn't there yet. For now she just stares at Ernie paralyzed.  He wanders around keeping his distance, smelling the dirt."

    "Then without warning, Avery begins to cry, "I feel like I'm supposed to do something," she says, "but I don't know what it is."

    "And where else in your life do you feel that way?" asks Koelle."

    "Avery's voice cracks as she answers, "Everywhere."

    "Yes," Koelle says, "The way we do anything is the way we do everything.  How you react to the horse is how you react to the rest of your life. That's why we're here."

    Skipping further into the article,

    "Humans who can "speak" in the gestual language horses use to communicate with one another have demonstrated that these animals are amazingly cooperative. They've also found that horses always tell you exactly what they think – and here's where things get interesting, because what horses think of you happens to be what most people think of you, too. The difference; Horses won't lie about. Flattery, backstabbing, and hidden agendas are unknown to horses. They communicate what they feel, straight up, all the time. Which means that to gain their trust, humans must be genuine, clear and honest. Which is why horse whispering is such a powerful psychological intervention."

    In the last part of the article….

    "Ernie is now chewing vigorously on Avery's hair. She laughs nervously."

    "Does that feel good to you?" asks Koelle."

    "It is alright," says Avery, though her body has gone rigid."

    "Really?" Koelle says. "It is all right to have horse teeth in your hair?"

    "He means well."

    "And he deserves to know what you really feel.  Tell him what you want and need.  We teach people how to treat us. Communicate."

    "Avery pushes gingerly at Ernies muzzle. "No, no," she says weakly. But even to me, sitting several yards away, it's clear that her body language is saying, "Do whatever you want, just don't stop liking me." Ernie shoves her ear with his nose.

    "Make your message stronger," says Koelle. "Stand up straight. Get big and loud. Use what you need when you need it.  How would you set boundaries with your kids or your employees?"

    "Clearly not knowing what else to do Avery draws on the desparate anger she uses when exhausted, backed to the wall. "NO!" she se shouts, pushing both hands into Ernie's face. He reacts as you might if your favorite Aunt Millicent pulled a gun on you.  Leaping backward and spinning, he tears around the pen. Avery tries to slow him down by running at him, waving her hands. Ernie spins, spraying dirt, his hooves like thunder on the ground."

    "Help!" Avery shouts."

    Koelle has already stepped into the pen. She puts a hand on Avery's shoulder , breathing deeply and slowly. Immediately, Avery seems calmer. Koelle drops her eyes and gently raises her free hand, and Ernie slows to a trot, then to walk. Avery stares in disbelief."

    "So," says Koelle, "When you set a boundary, is that pretty much how your kids and employees react, too?"

    "Avery bursts out laughing, "Pretty much."

    "We call that the exploding-doormat effect," I interject. You hold in your unhappiness until it's intolerable, then you blow up."

    "That's what my mom always did." Avery says. "I didn't realize I was doing it too."

    "You do what you were trained to do," says Koelle."

     

    And further down in the article…..I love this part too.


    "Why don't you suggest going for a walk together?" suggest Koelle.

    "Avery takes a few steps, ad Ernie follows – until Avery tenses up and looks behind her. Then Ernie stops, snaps back his head."

    "Were you afraid he wouldn't stay with you?" asks Koelle."

    "Yes."

    "Your fear scared him. And your need for him to follow feels icky-sticky, and clingy. If you're to lead, believe that he'll follow."  Martha Beck

     

    It is my humble belief, that in the churches such as the FALC, OALC, etc, we lose our horse sense, even worse than just the run of the mill family preferences. And, if you were abused, even more.

    That we have to learn how to speak the unspoken language of self. The feelings and truth that have been buried underneath layers of religious and family beliefs.

    Finding your horse sense will be to live freely as who you are.