Category: Books

Do you know the difference between "Fitting in" and "Belonging"?  

It seems like they would be twins, that there is no difference…but there is.  I believe that my experience of the FALC was more about fitting in, than belonging.  However, when I stopped being part of it, I felt like I no longer belonged, yet it was then that I began to belong to myself.  

Same goes with my family.  I used to fit in and I felt I belonged, but only if I was a certain way. The only way I know this, was the fear to change.  The fear of stepping out of the church, the fear of speaking my mind, the fear of not pleasing of disappointing…I had to remain the same, in order to fit in.  I intuitively knew, the slippery slope and confusion that would ensue, if I stopped doing the things I was beginning to resent…I knew that things would change.

It is evident by the last 8 years of estrangement that I had to be a certain way and do certain things to belong; for as soon as I began to change, I no longer fit in.

This fitting in, this club and the way things need to be, IS what keeps us from being ourselves, for usally, our self is not what is needed to fit in.  

I am not certain I can articulate the sameness and format we have to mold into, and how we know, if we don't, we will be set outside of the group.

What I see most clearly is the sameness of the church folks as well as the sameness of my family, how the subtle and not so subtle behaviors are blended into a palatte of the same shade…and it feels hostile to stand out.

Again, in my experience this too is true.  I have felt the attack by being different…where I no longer fit or belong, where my changes are too different to fit in.

Oddly though I belong to my self more than I ever have in my life.

Here is how Brene Brown explains the difference in her book, "The Gift of Imperfect"…along with her definition of love.

"One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are."

"Before I share my definitions with you, I want to point out three issues that I'm willing to call truths."

"Love and Belonging will always be uncertain.  Even though connection and relationship are the most critical components of life, we simply cannot acurately measure them. Relational concepts don't translate into bubbled answer sheets. Relionship and connection happen in an indefinable space between people, a space that will never be fully known or understood by us. Everyone who risks explaining love and belonging is hopefully doing the best they can to answer an unanswerable question. Myself included."

"Love belongs with belonging. One of the most surprising things that unfolded in my research is the pairing of certain terms.  I can't separate the concepts of love and belonging because when people spoke of one, they always talked about the other. The same holds true for the concepts of joy and gratitude, which I'll talk about it in a later chapter.  When emotions or experiences are tightly woven together in people's stories that they don't speak of one without the other, it's not an accidental entanglement; it's an intentional knot.  Love belongs with belonging."

"Of this I am actually certain. After collecting thousands of stories, I'm willing to call this a fact: A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritiually wired to love, to be loved and to belong.  When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering."

"It took me three years to whittle these definitions and concepts from a decade of interviews. Let's take a look."

Love: 

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

Belonging:

Belonging is an innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater that our level of self-acceptance.

"One reason that it takes me so long to develop these concepts is that I often don't want them to be true. It would be different if I studied the effect of bird poop on potting soil, but this stuff is personal and often painful. Sometimes, as I turned to the data to craft definitions like the ones above, I would cry. I didn't want my level of self-love to limit how much I can love my children or my husband. Why? Because loving them and accepting their imperfections is much easier than turning the light of loving-kindness on myself."

"If you look at the definition of love and think about what it means in terms of self-love, it is very specific. Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves. This is a tall order given how hard most of us are on ourselves. I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to another person. How many of us are quick to think, God, I'm so stupid and Man, I'm such an idiot? Just like calling someone we love stupid or an idiot would be incongruent with practicing love, talking like that to ourselves takes a serious toll on our self-love."  Brene Brown

Her research I have lived.  It is amazing to read what I already know to be true and to have her study boundaries, compassion and love and belonging while I lived this out in my life.

It is like reading a research paper about your experiences…and so thankful for my boundaries.

I love what Brene Brown has to say about setting boundaries and its impact or perhaps byproduct…compassion.  

Boundaries and Compassion

"One of the greatest (and least discussed) barriers to compassion practice is the fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable. I know it sounds strange, but I believe that understanding the connection between boundaries, accountability, acceptance and compassion has made me a kinder person.  Before the breakdown, I was sweeter – judgmental, resentful, and angry on the inside – but sweeter on the outside. Today, I think I'm genuinely more compassionate, less judgmental and resentful, and way more serious about boundaries.  I have no idea what this combination looks like on the outside, but it feels pretty powerful on the inside."

"Before this research, I knew a lot about each one of these concepts, but I didn't understand how they fit together. During interviews, it blew my mind when I realized that many of the truly committed compassion practioners were also the most boundary-conscious people in the study. compassionate people are boundaried people.  I was stunned."

"Here is what I learned: The heart of compassion is really acceptance.  The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us.  This research taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."

 "Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming.  But it's also much more effective. Shaming and blaming without accountability is toxic to couples, families, organizations, and communities.  First, when we shame and blame, it moves the focus from the original behavior in question to our own behavior.  By the time this boss is finished shaming and humiliating his employees in front of their colleagues, the only behavior in question is his."

 "Additionally, if we don't follow through with appropriate consequences, people learn to dismiss our requests – even if they sound like threats or ultimatums. If we ask our kids to keep their clothes off the floor and they know that the only consequence of not doing it is a few minutes of yelling, it's fair for them to believe that it's really not that important to us."

"It's hard for us to understand that we can be compassionate and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behaviors. We can, and, in fact, it's the best way to do it. We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or fail a student, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors – to address what they're doing, not who they are. It's also important that we can lean into the discomfort that comes with straddling compassion and boundaries.  We have to stay away from convincing ourselves that we hate someone or that they deserve to feel bad so that we can feel better by holding them accountable.  That's where we get into trouble. When we talk ourselves into disliking someone so we're more comfortable holding them accountable, we're priming ourselves for the shame and blame game."

"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.  This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or choice.  For our own sake, we need to understand that it's dangerous to our relationships and our well-being to get mired in shame and blame, or to be full of self-righteous anger.  It's also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we're going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability."  Brene Brown 

In my experience her research and findings are true.  I may have appeared to be sweeter before I set boundaries, but inside my feelings were not so sweet.  Now my insides do feel much softer, kinder, more accepting…because I have set up boundaries.

People no longer mistreat me.  Not because they have changed, but because I have set up boundaries as to what I will accept and what I will not.

I have requirements and standards as to how people treat me and I hold them accountable for their behaviors.  And, I am the one they blame for having the audacity to put on standards, and not themselves for not being able to meet the mark.

Putting up boundaries WILL mean that some folks will not make the cut, some will have to change in order to continue in the relationship with you….and in my experience, most will take the easy road of blame and shame….and put all the responsibility on me, hold me accountable for 'wrecking' the relationship, when in fact, I am the one who is responsible for raising the bar.

I raised the bar and set up boundaries to ward of mistreatment, to stop the cycle of abuse.  Most will put all their focus on the perpetrator and never see what it is they allow…without boundaries.

So many in my family have raged at me for doing what I am doing, for holding folks accountable, like who do I think I am?  How can I call it loving or kind or anywhere near healed, to do such a thing?  Where is my compassion and loving heart?  

I know Brene is right, the practioners of compassion are the most boundary conscious.  I am very aware of what hurts me, of what upsets my insides, of what I will allow and what I will not.  I love that this makes me more compassionate and less judgmental….for it has felt that way for the past 8 years.

I am much more accepting of others and know the power of boundaries.

Without them I would be filled with rage, blame, shame and resentful….with them, I am compassionately at peace… With who I am, and what I am accountable for, and I give back to others what is their responsibility.

They blame me for having boudaries, instead of blaming themselves for having none.

As a parent, I am always interested in how what we do or perhaps what we don't do impacts our children.  

In reading Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly", she writes about the connections between parents behavior and how it affects the child.

"There's no question that our behavior, thinking, and emotions are both hardwired within us and influenced by our environment. I wouldn't hazard a guess on the percentages, and I'm convinced that we'll never have a precise nature/nurture breakdown.  I have no doubt, however, that when it comes to our sense of love, belonging, and worthiness, we are most radically shaped by our families of origin – what we hear, what we are told, and perhaps most importantly, how we observe our parents engaging with the world."

"As parents, we may have less control than we think over temperament and personality, and less control than we want over the scarcity culture. But we do have powerful parenting opportunities in other areas: how we help our children understand, leverage, and appreciate their hardwiring, and how we teach them resilience in the face of relentless "never enough" culture messages.  In terms of teaching our children to dare greatly in the "never enough" culture, the question isn't so much, "Are you parenting the right way?" as it is: "Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?"

"As Joseph Chilton Pearce writes, "What we are teaches the child more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become."  

Here is a list that she wrote about raising Wholehearted children….

"If Wholeheartedness is the goal, then above all else we should strive to raise children who:

• Engage with the world from a place of worthiness
• Embrace their vulnerabilites
• Feel a deep sense of love and compassion for themselves and others
• Value hard work, perserverance, and respect
• Carry a sense of authenticity and belonging with them, rather than searching for it in external places
• Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative
• Don't fear feeling ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if they are struggling
• Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit

For Parents this means we are called upon to:

• Acknowledge that we can't give our children what we don't have and so we must let them share in our journey to grow, change, and learn
• Recognize our own armor and model for our children how to take it off, be vulnerable, show up, and let ourselves be seen and known
• Honor our children by continuing on our own journeys toward Wholeheartedness
• Parent from a place of "enough" rather than scarcity
• Mind the gap and practice the values we want to teach
• Dare greatly, possibly more than we've ever dared before

"In other words, if we want our children to love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. We can't use fear and shame, blame and judgment in our own lives if we want to raise courageous children.  Compassion and connection – the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives – can only be learned if they are experienced.  And our families are the first opportunities to experience these things."  Brene Brown

In the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to visit with and observe mothers and daughters, and even women who shared their lives with me, and what is so striking is how they are expecting change to happen to the next generation; that they themselves are either unwilling to do that which they expect their children to do or expect more from their children then is possible for them to do.

I can clearly see how legacy is created and handed down.

When the generation that raises the child doesn't hold themselves responsible for how the way they live IMPACTS their children.  When it is the only place change happens.

It happens with you.

I have seen women lament about "when will this abuse end"….while holding tightly to the same "faith" of her mother…on one hand and passing it on to her daughters on the other.  A relay race of no change.

Who will have the strength to change the legacy?

Which generation will finally understand that change begins with me.

To be a rebel and not grab the baton that is handed to you by your mother.

The baton wrapped in generation upon generation of folks who didn't want to make waves, to stop blaming others and start acting different…to begin to begin seeing how and where the real responsibility lies.

Knowing you are responsible for the outcome of your children by what you do, not what you say….by how you live in your own life…will be how they will live in theirs.

I was in shock and awe to see generations of women blind to how they pass on their weaknesses…and not their strengths. Wanting strong daughters while being too weak to change.

It has been the greatest, toughest, most terrifying thing to do, to go completely against my mother, but I am hopeful that I started to change the legacy for the women in my lineage…I intuitively knew and felt that IF I wanted this for my daughters, I had to do it myself.

From "Hunger", by Dr. Robin Smith

Now, Face It – And Feel It

"I had to face what I had learned. The old debilitating message from my childhood was ringing in my ears: "If you can't fix it, don't feel it."  I had to learn to feel, face, and embrace many things I couldn't fix, the many hungers that made me ache.  I had to get out of my head (where judgments were fixed) and into my heart.  I had to feel what I had been afraid to face.  I had to feel how hungry I was for a straight answer from those I loved or worked with. I had to move on, through a morass of things that didn't make sense. And so many times they didn't make sense! I thought about the time when I was supposedly loved and cherished by someone, but then was not the woman he chose. How subsequently I believed that I had misunderstood and misread the relationship, and that I had wanted too much. I thought about the time I was at the top of my game, with ratings reaching towards the sky, and then the phone stopped ringing. I thought about the times I tried to ask my mother, or my father from the grave, "What's up with this? Why is nobody talking about our real situation." I thought about the times when everyone went silent and politely looked at me, hoping I would stop naming what was real."

"Fortunately, this only made me hungrier for the truth"  Dr. Robin

This was my unknown craving while living in denial, the background noise in all conversations and interactions, while me, myself, and I, lived a lie…I was dying for the truth, craving reality and terrified of it at the same time. 

I would not have been able to articulate what I needed, but I seriously was uneasy and watchful…waiting.  Waiting for the truth to arrive and fearful for the truth to arrive.

Looking back, I chose or was forced to be uneasy in order to preserve another's peace.  This left me lonely and thirsty.  

I would have said I was lonely for love and attention, but I am now fairly certain, I was hungry for me; my truth.

The way the past 8 years have lived itself out, is a complete and totaly living example of why I was forced to not feed myself the truth; I would have been openly attacked for it.

I was living a life that was completely against myself, like an auto-immune disease, where my lack of being truthful was completely killing me…and yet, to live my truth would kill the life I had.

Very little remains of my old life or my old self…I no longer am willing to starve myself of the truth for the comfort and peace of others, my truth is no longer for sale.

What I believe I crave, desire and thirst for in all my relationships is the truth.

It matters not what the truth is, I want it.

I am not interested in, nor can I support and stand behind a false life.

When I was living a false life, I wanted other false lives around me.  I felt comfort in their surface living.

Dr. Robin writes about the road out of hunger…

"The road out of hunger is not the same as the road in.  That's self-evident.  You can't get fuller by starving more.  Someone once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and that's the case for those who try to heal by burrowing deeper into their nothingness.  I've experiened this when I'm hiking in the woods and I decide to explore a new path.  When it's time to go home it becomes clear to me that the way I entered the woods is not how I'm going to find my way out. It would be a waste of time and almost impossible to retrace my steps. I have to search and find a new route."

"On many occasions I have heard people who are struggling in their relationships promise to "try harder." And I ask them, "Try harder at what?" They don't understand that trying harder is often another form of sabotage. Usually, when someone says they're going to try harder at a relationship, it means their partner is exerting control and passing judgment.  The one who is working so hard is living in fear of not being able to satisfy the demands of the other: that they will never be able to make things right or be good enough."

"Relationship isn't the military; we are not soldiers in combat. It may sometimes feel like combat, but the enemy is within. We're fighting against our authentic hunger – for real love, real joy, real connection, real passion, genuine respect, and someone who listens to us and cares about our heart.  Military troops I have spoken with say that soldiers get a bad rap. They are expected to be tough, without fear and feelings. It's not a question of whether soldiers cry, experience fear and hurt; it's that they try and contain, mask and swallow their grief until they can find a safe place to let it out."

"A wise person once said that "love without boundaries makes victims." That's right on the money.  It should be a bumper sticker on all of our cars. Without boundaries, it is impossible for anyone to be a good partner, a good parent, a good friend, a good colleague, a good sibling, a good son or daughter, a good citizen of the world.  If you show up as a victim, you are inviting others to victimize you. If you're a victim this way – where your basic needs for love, respect, being cherished, being included, or sharing money – are not being honored, than you are helping to create more hunger."  Dr. Robin

What her book is showing me so far is that we are all hungry for our own truth, but often feel we will be attacked and rejected for it.  And, I guess it all depends upon the relationships you have today. 

More importantly, the relationships you have today are the truth.

They will tell you how truthful you are with your Self.

They are a complete and working model of how you truthful you are with yourself; they are a live living scale that measures your authenticity…or your lies.

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto – by Brene Brown

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable.

You will learn this from my words and actions – the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy everytime you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and amends, by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you.  Truly, deeply, seeing you.  Brene

Somehow being a parent seems to put us in a vise of having to be perfect, of never showing our errors to our children, of also believing if they do all things right, than we are doing it right.

When, I believe, that the more imperfectly you display yourself and the more vulnerable and real you are, the more permission you grant your children to embrace and love their whole self.

Whole self isn't about being perfect…it is about bring all of you forward.  Not just the pretty spots or the ones that 'show' you in the best light, but displaying your wounds too.

And, we do all this by living our lives fully exposed.

I used to think that children needed a perfect parent model to follow, but now I believe what we need most is one who is transparent, vulnerable, open and without secrets.

Expecting perfect children is to raise children who will live in shame; hiding everything that is not perfect.

I want my children to feel that they are allowed to make mistakes, to try and fail and to try again, to feel the agony of pain and the profound sense of joy….

I do not want perfect children.

I want wholehearted children.

"Vulnerability sounds like truth, and feels like courage." 

In Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the way we live, love and parent…" she writes about the difference between shame and guilt.

"When we apologize for something we've done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn't align with our values, guilt – not shame – is most often the driving force.  We feel guilty when we hold up something we've done or failed to do against our values and find they don't match.  It's an uncomfortable feeling, but one that's helpful. The psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance, is what motivates meaningful change.  Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame's is destructive. In fact, in my research I found that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better."

"We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but its dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.  Researchers don't find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all – there are no data to support shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors that it is to be the solution."

"Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we're hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.  In the chapters on parenting, leadership and education, we'll explore how shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement, and what we can do to cultivate cultures of worthiness, vulnerability, and shame resilience."

"Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, "People believe they deserve their shame; they do not deserve their humiliation."  If John is in a meeting with his colleagues and his boss, and his boss calls him a loser because of his inability to close a sale, John will probably experience that as either shame or humiliation."

"If John's self-talk is "God, I am a loser. I'm a failure" that's shame.  If his self-talk is "Man, my boss is so out of control. This is ridiculous. I don't deserve this" – that's humiliation. Humiliation feels terrible and makes for miserable work or home environment and if it's ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is however, still better than shame.  Rather than internalizing the "loser" comment, John saying to himself, "This isn't about me." When we do that it's less likely that we'll shut down, act out, or fight back. We stay aligned with our values while trying to solve the problem."

"Embarrassment is the least serious of the four emotions. It's normally fleeting and it can eventually be funny.  The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don't feel alone.  We know other folks have done the same thing and like a blush, it will pass rather than define us."

"Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is the part of the first element of what I call shame resilience."

I Get It. Shame Is Bad. So What Do We Do About It?

"The answer is shame resilience. Note that shame resisitance is not possible. As long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives, and the pain caused by shame will always be real. But here's the good news. In all my studies, I've found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience have four things in common – I call them the elements of shame resilience. Learning to put these elements into action is what I call "Gremlin Ninja Warrior training."

"We'll go through each of the four elements, but first I want to explain what I mean by shame resilience. I mean the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection that we had going into it.  Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame."

If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept – it happens between people- it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy."

"To get to empathy, we have to first know what we're dealing with. Here are four elements of shame resilience – the steps don't always happen in this order, but they always ultimately lead us to empathy and healing."

1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers. Shame is biology and biography. Can you physically recognize when you're in the grips of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it?

2. Practicing Critical Awareness. Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be or what you think others need/want from you?

3. Reaching Out. Are you owning and sharing your story? We can't experience empathy if we're not connecting.

4. Speaking Shame. Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame?

"According to Dr. Hartling, in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. (like sending really mean e-mails). Most of us use all of these – at different times with different folks for different reasons. Yet all of these strategies move us away from connection – they are strategies for disconnecting for the pain of shame."  Brene Brown

A book about daring greatly through our shame.

"Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen."  Brene Brown