I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Reality that isn’t Talked About

    Secrets– "something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others."

    "something that is not properly understood; a mystery."

     

    I believe I have always thought, that secrets were known. That we had to know a secret to be quiet about it. It was an agreement to keep something unknown and hidden; but that we all knew what it was.

    Is it possible to be party to keeping a secret just by the fact we don't probe and question?

    Nor did I know, the things that were mystifying were also secrets.

     

    It wasn't until my granddaughter asked me about my mother, did I realize profoundly, how secrets are propagated.

    The spreading happens, when silence or half truths or complete lies are told, creating a reality that doesn't really exist.

    Most in my family of origin would say, that there are no secrets, that we all now know that our father was a pedophile.

    But, what I believe most will not do, is share this history with the next generation. 

     

    And, what would prompt it?

    If, their relationships have remained unchanged, if life has more or less gone on the same from the time of my father's trial, what is there to question?

     

    There was nowhere in my childhood/young adulthood, where sexual abuse was discussed. Nowhere were generations before me telling me about the cycle and history of sexual abuse.

    No one was talking about what happened, and what would have been a better tactic to prevent future abuse.

    And, even more importantly, who was abusing, who had been abused etc, and how to keep this generation and the next safe. What was healing and wholesome and healthy after experiencing abuse.

    Nothing.

    The silences were profound in the absence of talking.

     

    There were women I looked up to in our family.

    Yet, these same women were silent.

    Secret keepers.

    Protectors of a reality that would have been good to know.

    Or, more the gatekeepers of a reality that didn't exist.

     

    Growing up among the secret keepers, there is an unwritten rule about what is okay to question and what is not.

    Which brings me to my last conversation with my mother. I went to see her upon her request.

    One of the first things she said was that her religion was not to be discussed and that more or less we were not going to discuss my father.

    These were her sacred cows, the places she was unwilling to explore and know more about.  Is it a coincident that the abuser, and her tools to forgive him were not to be explore or questioned.

    Didn't that make her the queen of secret keepers, at least in regards to my father.

     

    I wonder now how she truly sees me.

     

    Instead of looking at the secrets, she looked at me.

     

    In Rachael Denhollander's book "How Much is a Little Girl Worth", she writes about the willingness to stand against abuse, equals the willingness to give up say your religion or spouse, or school or organization, in which it lies.

    My mother's inability to give up her ideas of her husband and religion, disallowed her to explore any avenue of sexual abuse.

    Perhaps what hurt the most, is the reality of who she actually was.

    In the words of Rachael, how much is a little girl worth, or more many little girls.

    In fact, it is often said, it takes hundreds of little children to make someone change their minds about a person and/or religion/organization.

     

    Maybe the biggest secret there was, was who my parents truly were. They gave off an image that contrasted the reality of what truly lay beneath.

    Which is why, I am so adamant about walking the talk.

     

    The echoes of the "How is that working for you" remark my brother threw at me, lands so differently than how he sees it. 

    Living in unison and harmony with reality allows for everything.

    Nothing is off limits.

     

    Are secrets a non-reality maker?

    A pretend starter.

    Let's pretend that this didn't happen and return to 'normal'.

    In my mother's world, the forgiveness of sins worked remarkably well, it allowed her to have the reality she wanted. No sexual abuse stuck to it. It was quickly removed and sent to the sea of grace, where it wasn't to be mentioned again.

    The forgiveness of sins, is a way that you remove from your reality, the truth of what is.

    Secrets are just reality that isn't talked about.

     

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  • “Know My Name”

    I finished reading "Know My Name" by Chanel Miller, a victim of sexual assault.  You perhaps know her perpetrator more than you know her.  Brock Turner assaulted her. She was admittedly blacked out from drinking.  

    This book shows the landscape of victims.  How the justice system works to suppress and minimize the victims, while being so expansive and generous to the perpetrators.

    Her being unaware of her abuse did not lessen its affects.

    Just as children who block it out or whose mind's don't record it are similarly affected just as deeply.

    If you wonder why more victims don't come forth or why there are not more trials for sexual assault, you may become more informed reading this.

    I began listening with a curious mind.

    I wanted to know about the girl in the news.

    Her victim statement has been read millions of times, and her video seen by thousands.

     

    We all need to know more about these crimes and we are educated more, each time a victim shares her story.

    Thank you for showing us who you are and how sexual assault alters who you are.

     

     

  • What is a Girl Worth?

    I listened to "What is a Girl Worth" by Rachael Denhollander, her story of breaking the silence and exposing the truth about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics.

    This books shows how it seems impossible stop abuse, but how it can be done.

    If you ever wondered, why victims remain silent, or why it takes so many years to come forward, this may answer some of those questions. 

    She waited 16 years for the right opportunity.

    I was emotional in many parts.  

    Parts where she acknowledges the cost of doing what is right.

    Of knowing something is evil by recognizing what is not.

    If you can't see evil, there is a good chance you have no idea what is not.

    And, do we all know what is the right thing to do – truly.

    Do you know what is right, only when abuse happens outside of your circle?

    But, can you see what the right thing to do is, when it happens, among those you know.

     

    When you have the opportunity to act, do you?

    It also shows how much doesn't change.

    How organizations are slow to own their part in creating a culture of abuse.

    The blindspots many of us can have, when it comes to someone we know.

     

    Mostly, this book affirms my understanding of how the landscape of abuse looks and operates, and how.

     

    While I believe I have done what is the right thing to do, it has not come without a cost.

    I also believe, that abuse continues to flourish among many families within the culture of abuse in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

    It does, because so many fail to see the evil among them.

    Fail to see the crooked stick, for they have not seen a straight one.

    Rachael knew she wasn't alone, and she knew there had to be hundreds, but was blown away to see what over a hundred looked like all when faces and bodies were gathered together.

    To see all the girls/women who too were abused by Larry, as they gathered to give their impact statements.

    But, what healing power to be with each other as they broke their silences.  Their power was taken back as they spoke up.

    It is my hope, that some day, the right day and opportunity will arise, for so many silent voices to rise against the church that blesses these sins away.

    I understand, the cost of doing the right thing.

    And, more I understand the cost of doing nothing.

    Abuse doesn't go away because we chose to look away.

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    What is a girl worth in the eyes of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church?  Who has more power than a little girl in the church?  When will a child, for I know boys too are abused, be considered more valuable then an adult?  The culture of male dominance alone is the perfect breeding ground for abuse.

    What is a girl worth?

     

     

     

     

  • Freedom

    I completed "The Choice" by Dr. Edith Eva Egers.  I loved how she was able to understand, that once you see the choice, you are no longer a victim.

    Here are some parts that I love.

    "Forgiveness isn't you forgiving your molester for what he did to you," I told her.  "It's you forgiving the part of yourself that was victimized and letting go of all blame."

    This is another new way to look at forgiveness.  It isn't about the other person at all, which is huge.  Our lives, our journeys, and our wellness isn't about what the other person does or doesn't do.  It is about how we see and accept ourselves.

    Period.

    "A good definition of being a victim is when you keep the focus outside yourself for someone to blame for your present circumstances, or to determine your purpose, fate or worth."

    While this may be hard to turn away from the other, it is key in finding your freedom. They are allowed to do what they do, and the karma or whatever will take care of them. But, what is most important in your life, is what you are doing OR not doing.

    The only real thing holding you back is yourself.

    No one is controlling you without your consent.

    The more you focus on what you are doing, the less you see how others see you, AND the less it matters what they are thinking.

    "Our painful experiences aren't a liability – they're a gift. They give us perspective and meaning and opportunity to find our unique purpose and strength. There is no one-size fits all template for healing, but there are steps that can be learned and practiced, steps that each individual can weave together in his or her own way, steps in the dance of freedom."

    "My first step in the dance of freedom was to take responsibility for my feelings. To stop repressing and avoiding them, and to stop blaming them on Bela or other people, to accept them as my own…"

    She truly gets how important it is to bring in your painful experiences as if they were gifts. To hold on to the wounded little girl and hear and see her wisdom.  To accept and embrace all of who you are.  Not just the easy things. We learn so much more from our painful times.

    And the ability to take responsibility for our feelings.

    My feelings are very important to me. They guide me on my journey.  I appreciate the way the body tells me about reality; with emotions.

    And, I also love how our feelings travel with us until we feel them.

    "Feel this", is what I say now.  I stop and pay attention. I want to know how I feel and will investigate the source of these feelings and their truth of being.

    "To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough."

    I love how she explains this.  I never understood the visual of passiveness.  That you are allowing others to decide for you. I can now see how I may appear aggressive, but I am actually assertive in my own life. I am not interested in controlling anyone or making decisions for anyone. I love that each of us will become free, the moment we decide to  decide for ourselves!

    And, the idea that we of our own are not enough. This is a huge stumbling block for so many, to understand and feel their worth.

    I can't articulate how it was that at the moment my life appeared to be in the lowest of places, I was able to see my true worth.

    It seems like it would be the opposite.  

    But, when I sat down in the middle of the sea of abuse that was my childhood, I saw me as innocent. And that sense of innocence bloomed bigger than the sum total of the abuse.

    From that moment on, I felt valuable to Me. 

    My feelings about me overshadows what others may or may not think.

    They can't matter more.

    We meet and engage with many people in our life times. We all have painful experiences and relationships that have ended, and at the end of the day, how we see ourselves has to matter more, than all the broken painful relationships.

     

    In her interview with Oprah, she mentioned, that the fact that she survived a death camp, makes others feel that their abuse experiences are less than. What she said, was that she knew who her enemy was.  This is powerful.  Often in abusive situations, it is family and ones we love who are hurting us. We can't see the enemy for we call them family/friend etc.  

    When victims speak out about their pain and healing, it allows us to embrace all parts of our being.

    Thank you Dr. Edith Eger for sitting down at 90 years of age, to write this wonderful book about freedom!!

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  • The Sum of My Parts

    This week I read Olga Trujillo's book "The Sum of My Parts" and it helped me understand how a child survives abuse. It also showed me our survival techniques and how they become a hinderance when we are adults.  How integrating our past will open the space for joy.

    Olga's abuse was horrific. You may have to skip the first half of the book.  The second half where she is working with her psychiatrist is also intense, but you can see the workings of the mind and then how to integrate it.

    I understand the disassociation so much better.

    I understand my sense of feeling numb.

    I understand my irrational fears and how there are parts of me trying to still protect.

    I understand the blank stare.

    I also understand how she needed to balance her healing with doing her work and living.

    While her story is extremely horrific and there were multiple parts that helped her survive, she gave me the understanding or she affirmed me.

     

    Here are a few sentences of what I highlighted.

     

    "Protective parts that had developed long ago helped me not feel love for those closest to me so I wouldn't feel the pain of their betrayals."

    "The pain of everything I was remembering was unbearable. I never had a family."

    "As you go through this process, you'll see that the dissociation kept the knowledge, sensation, pain and emotion away from you. But it left you numb. And it left you without defenses. You're unraveling the dissociation so you can be safe, and so your past doesn't control you."

    "Feeling this deeply was new to me, having dissociated through most of my life to keep all feelings away. Even though most of what I was feeling was emotional and physical distress, I was vaguely aware that Dr. Summer was right: My ability to feel good and to feel joy was also growing. When I was able to hear it, he would encourage my progress by reminding me, "This all feels awful right now, but you'll eventually also feel the good in your life. The deeper the feeling you can access, the deeper of both ends of the spectrum you'll be able to feel – good and bad."

     

    What  I know to be true for me is that the more I felt the devastation of being abused by my father, the more I was truly able to feel the other end of the spectrum.  Feeling, just feeling after being numb is scary and brilliant at the same time.

     

    Her doctor had to keep reminding her she was big and safe. I get this too. For you truly feel like a defensive child. In the very early weeks, I was as my husband noticed, "like a scared rabbit." I had intense feelings of vulnerability. And, it was hard for a big body to handle.  I can't imagine a child surviving without dissociation.

    My feeling safe in the present, allowed me to go back and get the emotions and feelings of betrayal.  And to sit with the intense feelings of terror.

    I believe they used hypnosis to bring back memories and some came back on their own. I am not certain, bringing back pictures would help me.  And, she and I had a much different experience.

    What has helped me from reading is to see the "Parts" that hold your abuse and how important it is to hold your whole life together.  How you integrate it, not separate from it.

    It was bringing in my younger self and making choices that honored her, that I feel was crucial in becoming whole.

    I think, many think, "Whole" is leaving the abuse behind, to not bring it into your present.

    To overcome it.

    I agree with Olga's experience of integration. I didn't have as much to integrate, but the process was still the same.

    Thank you Olga for being brave, for having the courage to write and share your story.

    The more we talk and share our experiences of surviving abuse, it allows others to feel normal, coming from whence we came.

    We truly are the sum of our parts.

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    Read her book with caution if you survived childhood abuse.

     

  • My Guides

    What many of us fail to appreciate, is where do we fall into the patterns of creating false scenarios when we get stressed out? Why is it that some of us are good make believers? When in our lives was it crucial to paint a better picture?

    What I know from reading about child abuse, is that our minds need to create a safe place for us, when our worlds are so uncertain. We do this to NOT see the reality that is being played out in front of us, when our parents are acting in ways that are harmful.

    It isn't what a child who is raised in a loving home does. 

    We create a land of make belief, where evil becomes loving and loving becomes evil.

    And, when I am tired, run down and stressed out, I un-naturally, but naturally for me, go back to the old system.

    I can easily believe the opposite of what reality is showing me.  It is a natural feeling place.

    However, now that the real truth of my childhood has been exposed to my mind, I am a bit suspicious of my thoughts.

    Knowing that I have a tendency to create false narratives in my mind, I need to be ever so alert to reality.

    Byron Katie, the author of "Loving What is" writes about this phenomena of believing our stressful thoughts.

    Most of them start with "Would, should or could".

    And, most of them leave us removed from our own reality, and trying to direct someone else's business.

    Bringing your awareness back to your own life, your own choices, and your own voice, empowers you to make changes that you need.  It leaves the rest at peace to do what they want to do.

    Just knowing that stressful situations will require me to be on guard for false narratives from my mind, is huge.  

    There is a space between stimulus and response. And, in those of us who have been abused, the space is very small. The more you can think before you respond, the bigger the space grows.  I believe the book "The 8th Habit" speaks of this, by Stephen Covey.

    What I most want others to know, is that we are not our thoughts, but rather the one who witnesses the thoughts.

    Even to know, that we have crazy thoughts, and it was a coping mechanism of our childhood, releases us from feeling insane.

    Instead, I see it as the natural outcome of living through an abusive childhood.

    Our minds did an amazing job, and we survived.

    But, that tool is no longer useful IF we are now living in a safe environment. 

    My world now has love, and it isn't kind to me to change it into evil.

    I will never underestimate the power of the mind.

    Especially one whose wires were connected in abuse.

    And, what is so extremely exciting and brilliantly engineered, is that we have the power to re-wire our brains.

    We can undo old wiring.

    We can open the space between stimulus and response. 

    When in doubt, write it out.

    Write out what the thoughts in your head are saying, and then find a few examples where they are untrue in your experience.

    Experience and reality are my guides.

     

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  • The Courage to be Disliked

    I am listening to a book "The Courage to be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitke Koga, written in dialogue form.

    "Philosopher: As I have stated repeatedly, in Adlerian psychology, we think that all problems are interpersonal problems. In other words, we seek release from interpersonal relationships. We seek to be free from interpersonal relationships. However,it is absolutely impossible to live all alone in the universe. In light of what we have discussed until now, the conclusion we reach regarding "What is Freedom" should be clear."

    Youth: What is it?

    Philosopher: In short, that "freedom is being disliked by other people."

    Youth: Huh? What was that?

    Philosopher: It's that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign you are living in accordance with your own principles.

    Youth: But, but…

    Philosopher: It is certainly distressful to be disliked. If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one's desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one's freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.

    Youth: No! That's totally wrong. There is no way that could be called freedom. That's a diabolical way of thinking to coax one into evildoing.

    Philosopher: You've probably been thinking of freedom as "release from organizations" That breaking away from your home or school, your company or your nation is freedom. However, if you were to break away from your organization, for instance, you would not be able to gain real freedom. Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgement, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one's way of living. That's to say, one will not be able to be free.

    Youth: Being disliked by other people – is that what you are saying?

    Philosopher: What I am saying is, don't be afraid of being disliked.

    Youth: But that's –

    Philosopher: I am not telling you to go so far as to live in such a way that you will be disliked, and I am not saying to engage in wrongdoing. Please understand that.

    Youth: No. Then let's change the question. Can people actually endure the weight of freedom? Are people that strong? To not care even if one is disliked by one's own parents – can one become so self-righteously defiant?

    Philosopher: One neither prepares to be self-righteous nor becomes defiant. One just separates tasks. There may be a person who does not think well of you, but that is not your task. And again, thinking things like he should like me or I've done all this, so its strange that he doesn't like me, is the reward-oriented way of thinking of having intervened in another person's task. One moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked. One does not live as if one were rolling downhill, but instead climbs the slope that lies ahead. That is freedom for a human being. Suppose that I had two choices in front of me – a life in which all people like me, and a life in which there are people who dislike me – and I was told to chose one. I would choose the latter without a second thought. Before being concerned with what others think of me, I want to follow through with my own being. That is to say, I want to live in freedom.

    Youth: Are you free now?

    Philosopher: Yes. I am free.

    Youth: You do not want to be disliked, but you don't mind if you are?

    Philosopher: Yes, that's right, not wanting to be disliked is probably my task, but whether or not so -and -so dislikes me is the other person's task. Even if there is a person who doesn't think well of me, I cannot intervene in that. To borrow from the proverb I mentioned earlier, naturally one would make the effort to lead someone to water, but whether he drinks or not is that person's task.

    Youth: That's some conclusion.

    Philosopher: The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness."  

     

    This book affirms why I feel so free.  

    I truly had to have the courage to be disliked in order to follow through with my own being.

    It is perhaps easier to have strangers dislike you, than it is for family to dislike you.

    However, within families it is often harder to live your own truth, due to your lack of courage to be disliked.

     

    My tasks, if you will, is to live my life as authentically as I can, honoring my feelings and values. It is not my task, how you see me.

    The last family member has chosen to dislike me enough to block me from his life.

    That is his task, his life and his choice.

    How he sees me, is not my task.

     

    In following through with being me, I know that saying what I need to say, will often change the way someone feels about me. And, yet I feel strongly that I need to speak.

    I am not sure how I can articulate the amount of freedom there is when you are okay with being disliked.

    I would not have ever expected me to land here.

    The freedom and courage it has given me is immeasurable.

    This freedom is what I would love for everyone.

    The courage to be disliked!

     

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    Imagine what you would do in your life, if you were okay being disliked!

    The possibilities are endless!

  • Empty of Discrepancy

    One of the side effects of a recovering person from denial, is how I need things to make sense.  I can no longer overlook incongruity. My mind isn't a rest until it knows the whole picture.

    I am looking to find definition and gain a clear picture. 

    I am not sure how often there are exceptions to the rule, but more often than not, the rules rule.

    And, the exceptions are often red flags.

    The dissonance that will shatter an image.

    Often in families where abuse lives, there are images we need to keep.  It is the coverup to what is really going on.  We don't present to the world the whole truth, we keep our wounds hidden behind the facade of being normal and okay.

    I lived in this wonky world for 46 years, where the facade lived as me. It wasn't me, just the image of Me.  

    A cleaner version.

    A flat shallow self.

    And, she didn't make sense, looking back.

    It was only when I knew the truth about my family of origin, did I make sense.

    Living life for 46 years denying the truth of being abused, had me living awkwardly at best.

    I was detached from my emotions, and expansiveness of choice.

    Once the truth was known, and I embraced my wounded little girl, was I able to drop the shield (Image) and just be me.  

    This one very pivotal moment in my life showed me how gravely important it is to get the full picture and to not overlook the one exception.

    I am now an exception.

    The one unforgiven, the one story that hasn't been fully accepted by my brother.

    He wrote a book, and is in the very early stages of promotion.

    It is a book about the time he and I spent oodles of hours talking, and exploring, and seeking to find reality, and ways to rework life's patterns of being raised in an dysfunctional home.

    His book is mainly his blog. "The Little Boy in the Red Sweater – My journey through sexual abuse."

    The incongruity is where am I now?

    How did I go from being the one who helped him through the darkest periods of life, to silence?

    What did I do?

    Our silence hasn't included dialogue to clearly explain to me, where I went wrong.

    What was it that kicked me to the curb?

    What did I say exactly that was so unforgivable and how is his story of me more powerful than who I am?

    And even more, why has he been able to reconcile with the rest of his family?

    How is it that I am unreconcilable?

    What are my sins and assaults towards him.

    And, how does his image of being so forgiving, not include me?

    I am the one stick poking out.

    I don't make sense in his otherwise healing image.

    It is odd to be the odd man out. 

    What I have learned is that when the bird and the book disagree, believe the bird – as the Audubon bird book explains.

    Strange bedfellows is another phrase that we use to explain the unexplainable. 

    I looked that up and found this.

    “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows."

    How interesting.

    Does this explain the other saying "Misery loves company"?

    All I know is that I am still outstanding from my family.  A book is written, the sentiment is healing/forgiving and accepting the story of who they are and not his story of who he needs them to be.

    And, here I am.

    Alone.

    While I am out here, his book doesn't make sense.

    To me.

    The years we spent together, the talks we had and the topics we discussed, wasn't heading in the direction he ended up. It all feels inharmonious.

    It was as if he did a 360 and ended up where he once began. Except he left me behind.

    His blog I had read in real time during the crisis of that day.

    His book is an echo from the days back there.

    I know the broader landscape upon which it was written, but I don't know where or how it ended.

    I am suspended in a moment in time.

    Silenced out and space was granted to me.

    In an interview, he said he asked for space from his family for his healing.

    I wonder why he needed space from me.

    I am the exception to the rule.

    I am the irreconcilable piece in our relationship.

     

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    When folks get a divorce over irreconcilable differences, we think it is things. Mostly, I am sure it is that someone feels the other as being incongruous.

    Their lives are no longer in harmony.

    Someone has changed.

    It is true, I am the one person in my family of origin who is no longer like the others.

    I no longer fit into their lives, for personal reason, most didn't share with me.

    Yet, I am okay. 

    I am okay being at odds with others.

    I am not okay being at odds with myself.

    I lived far too many years in dissonance with Me.

    I love who I am today, so much more.

    I live in harmony with my little girl.

     

    I wish my brother well on his new journey of being an author.

    He is the author of his blog, his book and his life.

    As we all are.

    May your life be empty of discrepancy.

     

     

     

     

  • The Mastery of Love

    This week I listened to "Don Miguel Ruiz" on Maria Shriver's podcast "Meaningful Conversations".

    What I loved about the podcast is, it is the author speaking about the book, "The Mastery of Love" and he is doing so with someone who is more or less skeptical and disbelieving.

     

    I had the book "The Mastery of Love" and I read it years ago.  This time however, it makes so much more sense to me, especially after listening to their conversation.

    Here is a part of the book.

    "So many humans are suffering because of all the false images we try to protect. Humans pretend to be something very important, but at the same time we believe we are nothing. We work so hard to be someone in that society Dream, to be recognized and approved by others. We try so hard to be important, to be a winner, to be powerful, to be rich, to be famous, to express our personal dream, and to impose our dream onto other people around us. Why?  Because humans believe the Dream is real, and we take it very seriously."

    It is interesting to see life with this perspective, especially when we pretend to be something, while feeling we are nothing. The contrast itself is enough to spin your world into madness.

     

    And, I love this part too.

    "The emotional body perceives emotions, but not through the eyes. We perceive emotions through our emotional body.  Children just feel emotions and their reasoning mind doesn't interpret or question them. This is why children accept certain people and reject other people. When they don't feel confident around someone, they reject that person because they can feel the emotions that person is projecting. Children can easily perceive when someone is angry and their alarm system generates a little fear that says, "Stay away". And they follow their instincts – they stay away."

    "We learn to be emotional according to the emotional energy in our home, and our personal reaction to that energy. That is why every brother and sister will react differently according to how they learn to defend themselves and adapt to different circumstances. When parents are constantly fighting, when there is disharmony, and disrespect, and lies, we learn the emotional way of being like them. Even if they tell us not to be that way and not to lie, the emotional energy of our parents, of our entire family, will make us receive the world in a similar way."

    "The emotional energy that lives in our home is going to tune our emotional body to that frequency. The emotional body starts to change its tune, and it is no longer the normal tune of the human being. We play the game of the adults, we play the game of the outside dream, and we lose. We lose our innocent, we lose our freedom, we lose our happiness, and we lose our tendency to love. We are forced to change and we start receiving another world, another reality; the reality of injustice, the reality of emotional pain, the reality of emotional poison. Welcome to hell – the hell that humans create, which is the Dream of the Planet. We are welcomed into that hell, but we don't invent it personally. It was here before we were born."

    "You can see how real love and freedom are destroyed by looking at children. Imagine a child two and three years old running and having fun in the park. Mom is there watching the little guy, and she's afraid he might fall and hurt himself. At a certain point she wants to stop him, so he tries to run faster from her. Cars are passing in the street nearby, which makes Mom even more afraid, and finally she catches him. The child is expecting her to play and she spanks him. Boom! It's a shock. The child's happiness was the expression of love coming out of him and he does not understand why she is acting this way. This is a shock that stops love little by little over time. The child does not understand words, but even so he can question, "Why?"  

    "Running and playing is an expression of love, but it's no longer safe because your parents punish you when you express your love. They send you to our room and you cannot do what you want to do. They tell you that you are being a bad boy, or a bad girl, and that puts you down, that means punishment."

    "In that system of reward and punishment there is a sense of justice and injustice, what is fair and what is not fair. The sense of injustice is like a knife that opens an emotional wound in the mind. Then, according to our reaction to the injustice, the wound may get infected with emotional poison. Why do some wounds get infected? Let's look at another example."

    "Imagine that you are two or three years old. You are happy, you are playing and exploring. You aren't conscious of what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong, what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing, because you are not domesticated. You are playing in the living room with whatever is around you. You don't have any bad intention, you don't try to hurt anything, but you are playing with your Daddy's guitar. For you, its' just a toy; you don't try and hurt your Daddy at all. But your father is having on of those days when he doesn't feel right. He has problems in his business, and he goes into the living room and finds you playing with his things. He gets mad right away, and grabs you and spanks you."

    "This is injustice from your point of view. Your father just comes, and with anger hurts you. This is someone you trusted completely because he is your daddy, someone who usually protects you and allows you to be you. That sense of injustice is like a pain in your heart. You feel sensitive, it hurts and makes you cry. But you cry not just because he spanks you. Its not the physical aggression that hurts you; it's the emotional aggression you feel is not fair. You didn't do anything."

    "That sense of injustice opens a wound in your mind. Your emotional body is wounded, and in that moment you lose a little part of your innocence.  You learn that you cannot trust your father. Even if your mind doesn't know it yet, because your mind doesn't analyze, it still understands, "I cannot trust." Your emotional body tells you there is something that you cannot trust, and that something can be repeated."

    "You reaction might be fear; your reaction might be anger or being shy or just crying. But that reaction is already emotional poison, because the normal reaction before domestication is that your daddy spanks you and you want to hit him back. You hit him back or just intend to put your hand up, and that makes your father even madder at you. The reaction of your father for just putting your hand up against him creates a worse punishment. Now you know he will destroy you. Now you are afraid of him, and you no longer defend yourself because you know it will only make things worse."

    "You still don't understand why, but you know your father can even kill you. This opens a fierce wound in your mind. Before this, your mind was completely healthy; you were completely innocent. After this, the reasoning mind tries to do something with the experience. You learn to react a certain way, your personal way. You keep that emotion with you, and it changes your way of life. This experience will repeat itself more often now. The injustice will come from Mom and Dad, from brothers and sisters, from aunts and uncles, from school, from society, from everyone. With each fear, you learn to defend yourself, but not the way you did before domestication, where you would defend yourself and just keep playing."

    "Now there is something inside the wound that at first is not a big problem; emotional poison. The emotional poison accumulates, and the mind begins to play with that poison. Now we start to worry a little about the future because we have memory of the poison  and we don't want that to happen again. We also have memories of being accepted; we remember mom and dad being good to us and living in harmony. We want harmony, but we don't know how to create it. And because we are inside the bubble of our own perception, whatever happens around us now seems as if it is because of us. We believe Mom and Dad fight because of us, even if it doesn't have anything to do with us."

    "Little by little we lose our innocence; we start to feel resentment, then we no longer forgive. Over time these incidents and interactions let us know its not safe to be who we really are. Of course this will vary in intensity with each human according to his intelligence and his education. It will depend on many things. If you are lucky, the domestication is not that strong. But if you are not so lucky, the domestication can be strong and the wounds so deep, that you can eve be afraid to speak. This results is "Oh I am shy," Shyness is the fear of expressing yourself. You may believe you don't know how to dance or how to sing, but this is just expression of the normal human instinct to express love." Miguel

     

    This is how we learn to not love who we are, not trust who we are, not have a voice or a choice.  

    I find this wildly enthralling how we are who we are by how we were nurtured or domesticated in his words.

    Knowing your past and how it has worked to shape you, you cannot blame yourself if you are having a hard time being you.

    However, if we were taught this, we can unlearn what we were taught.

    The untangling of my love of self, literally happened each time I used my voice or made an action for myself, instead of for the other. I was willing to do what I needed to do, regardless of the punishment that would come.

    What is so odd, is that I also felt I had 'unreasonable' fear of my father and my mother as well. Yet, this writing shows how we suffer emotional wounding and how it infects our emotions. As well as how we hide our real emotions in order to make peace

    I used to say, I was a whore for love and peace. I can see this more clearly in how I thought I had to be.

    When we are raised in a dysfunctional toxic environment, we are unlucky in our domestication, and lose touch with our inner child.  Lose connection with our healthy emotional responses.

    We can peel back our fears and learn to love ourselves, but we may piss off a few folks in order to do so. We have to learn it is okay if others are upset. It isn't our responsibility to make them happy.

    Being a master of our own emotions, is the mastery of love.

     

     

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  • "After doing what is right, life is still complicated"  Ghosted, by Rosie Walsh

     

    It seems my life is littered with a thousand of "right" choices, all of which put me on the path to an even more complicated life.

    The more choices that I made that were dissimilar to others, the more complicated it can get.

    Each new boundary sets me aside.

    I become even more different, weird, unique and an anomaly.

    Perhaps not so much in the world, but within the group you were raised in.

    And, among some of your peers.

     

    What is "doing what is right"?

    How do we define making the right choice?

    Is there a hard and fast rule?

    Is right equal to truth?

    Can we clearly see the two choices, Wrong and Right?

    Who gets to decide what is right or wrong?

    And, isn't life complicated depending upon which choice you make.

    Doing the wrong thing, often makes life more messy and hard to handle, but so does making the right one?  At least for awhile.

     

    The saying "Doing right by her/him", what does that mean?

    I have continually made different choices than my family and often wonder at how they see their choices. 

    Certainly we both see our choices as being right.

    Is there a right path and a wrong path?

    Are they clearly marked?

    Do they lead in a direction that will end up right or wrong?

    How clear is it doing what is right?

     

    Is it possible that inside of each of us is a place where we can know for certain, what is a right choice for us?

    It feels completely right.

    Are there motivators for doing what is right?

    Is fear involved or love?

    Do consequences matter and they must be different depending upon what we chose?

     

    Is the right choice for fear different than the right choice for love?

    Will the right way be different depending upon how much fear you feel or how desperate you want love?

    Can it be that we create what is the right choice for us?

    Do right choices come from religion or the laws of the land?

    Do they come from our childhood teachings?

     

    In the land of a billion choices, how will we know that we are doing the right thing?

     

    I feel, that my choices were made for me. The Me that woke up inside of me, saw the world completely different than the self minus the Me.

    If I can make this make sense.

    I began to live from the inside out.

    The decisions were made by going deep within. 

    I didn't look at what would be 'kinder' for others.

    I didn't research what the religion would have me do.

    I didn't ask others for their opinions, or suggestions of what would be right.

    I operated from instinct, feeling, heart and soul.

    Something was now alive in me, and it was more important than the outside.

    More important than the religious teachings of my childhood and what would please my mother or family.

    It was small and had just appeared. Fragile and deathly strong.

    I also knew, it would disappear, if I made a choice different than it.

     

    This self that would disappear, would have been the end of Me and the continuation of the programmed mind.

    I would have lived; but lived differently.

    I would have remained in the group.

     

    So, in my world I did the right thing.

    My right thing.

    The right thing as a victim of sexual abuse by my father.

    And, it changed my world.

    I didn't do the right thing as a daughter or sister.

    I did it as Me.

     

    I can't know how others made their choices and how they are now enjoying the life it has created.

    I can only know mine.

     

    My choice to see, hear and accept the truths of a dysfunctional family brought me to Me.

    My first glance was to see me broken, wounded, and my life shattered into a million pieces.  And, at the same time I was born onto a Self that I never met.

    One that was separated from the group.

    It had no religion.

    No agenda.

    It only sought the truth for Me.

     

    I wrote many journals full of deciphering doing what is right and even the consequences of both.

    Very little of my choices were made light heartedly or without knowing the grave consequences they would bring into my life.

    I knew that by following this new Me, I was going against much of what I was taught and the family's unspoken rules.

    And, yet I did the next right thing. Again, and again. Further complicating my life upon the already shattered landscape. Adding it seemed insult to injury. And, yet I did.

    It perhaps complicated my life, but it defined me.

    Refined Me even.

    From the ashes of the rubble rose a Me that I am proud of.

    Even if, I am standing alone separated from all my family.

    I am Me.

     

    Rest in Peace is for the living and for those doing what is right.

    For you.

    I am sure those who chose differently have a different peace.

    A peace of being part of group.

    Of being in a family.

    Going with the flow.

    Where is your flow going?

     

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