I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Alone, but free of the web

    I finished "Educated" by Tara Westover. What an interesting read about being raised by parents whose view on the world changes yours; and then how to see life differently when leaving the family.

    She takes us on the journey of seeing how she was raised and how it impacted her view on the world. How she believed the lies her father told her as the truth. How completely it bled into her DNA.  How hard it is to wrestle free of the conditioning of our parents. And, the cost you will pay when you change your mind.

    The insanity that we feel when undoing our minds, feels more insane, than when we were brainwashed.

    The pull of family and our allegiance to them and the truths of the real world are hard to wrestle with, while unraveling the mind.  

    She depicts it so well.

    How there are two of you.

    The old one, who believes.

    And, the new one who can't anymore.

    How children (Adult Children) are still under the influence of parents; for love.

    Or, to belong.

    While we are on different paths, Tara and I have some commonalities. 

    The journey of finding the truths in the world and within ourselves.

    How we change more than our family can handle.

    Her story shows the elasticity of the mind. And, how fear can lock it into a thought pattern.

    I have such reverence for the mind's ability to hold lies as truths. Its power can ruin lives.

    "A mind convinced against its will, is of the same opinion still."

    You simply cannot change someone's mind.

    It is an inside job.

    A completely badass job, to take what you were raised upon and see life differently.

     

    Tara also shows how the non-abusive parent has a role to play as well. 

    If they choose not to side with the child, they have double teamed the child.

    Her mother saw the abuse, but wouldn't stand with her when she needed her to.

    So, what good is it.

     

    And, some siblings peeked at the truth; but then towed the company line.

    Others, like her, had to move away to live a life free of her father's influence.

     

    This book shows that there are many kinds of childhood trauma's that will impact the child's life. Some children are strong enough, or have something inside of them, that leads them out.

    I am one of the lucky ones.

    IMG_9504

    Alone, but free of the web.

     

  • Un-naturally Oppress

    I am listening to a Memoir "Educated" by Tara Westover. In it she mentioned the side of the oppressor, when someone is looking for equality.

    Now, as unreal as this may seem, the way she said it had me looking more at the oppressors than at those seeking equality.

    The oppressors ARE the ones who have reduced the equality in the lives of those seeking it. 

    Whether it be disabilities, color, gender, sexual orientation, the oppressors ARE the ones who are withholding equality.

    This changes the way I see the world.

    And, who most often are the oppressors? 

    The majority.

    Tara was raised in a very strict mormon fundamentalist family. Where her education was to be the oppressor.

    I would have to say that I too was raised to oppress.

    Raised that we were the right ones.

    The subtle,or not so subtle, way I was raised to feel that white was better or that heterosexual was the only 'normal' and that christians were going to heaven etc, schooled me to be the oppressor.

    Being raised this way, you can't see the oppressor, because it is you. 

    You only see those who are trying to make you wrong.

    The reason we don't want equality, is more about making us wrong than the equality of others.

    Each time we give up parts of our education in rightness, the less we know who we are.

    It is humbling to realize I am the oppressor.

    That some of my old beliefs held equality from others.

    Here is the definition of Oppressor – "oppressor meaning: someone who treats people in an unfair and cruel way and prevents them from having opportunities and freedom."

    I know I have touched on this before, but it was in but one way I was raised to oppress and I didn't see the broader education that I was raised in.  How it has inadvertently made me a champion of inequality.

    I didn't feel the depth of equality.

    The steep hill some are made to climb, is due to how the majority has schooled its children. The legacy of this is handed down generation upon generation. And, in my case, the church is still going strong. There are huge families still passing on the blueprint of oppression.

    I am not sure those who have been relegated to the lower level of equality can ever work hard enough to change this.  What has to happen, which is highly unlikely, is for the majority to see their own wrongness.

    To give up being right, the only church, the only race, the right sexual orientation and to adapt the inclusive mindset.

    It goes against the whole teachings of the church. 

    What would happen if they were not the only ones going to heaven, or maybe if there was not a hell? What would happen if they were to include all manner of loving, and if humanity was one?

    What would there be to protest IF the oppressors were not standing there blocking the way?

    Get rid of the oppressors and peace happens.

    I know many feel that they are blocking and defending something pure and whole. They believe they are the peace keepers, the ones who are protecting the land from ruin.

    Instead they are actually the cause of discord.

    Who would Martin Luther King have to march against if there were not Oppressors?

    He had to march, for the oppressors blocked his equality.

    I have not a clue how to change the oppressor's minds.

    How many marches must there be?

    Can enough victims come forth and break their silences?

    How many laws have to be written in order for equality to win?

    If you can't see the oppressor, you may be it.

    If you are not marching, you may be the oppressor.

    If you have no rights to fight for, you may be the oppressor.

    Interesting to sit with.

    And, I am sorry for my education, for it taught me to un-naturally oppress.

    IMG_9186

     

     

     

  • Remember Tomorrow!

    "We look for happiness – but, we don't look for things that make us unhappy, and work to get rid of them." 

    I heard this on a podcast. And, now I can't find the source of who actually said it. I believe it was Jesse Itzler – being interviewed for his book "Living with the Monks."

    But, I love this idea.

    Often we are focused on things that we feel will make us happy, overlooking the stresses in our lives, the things and relationships that affect how we feel.

    The ones who break our peacefulness and cause us to feel "Unhappy", not realizing if we cut out the things that bring us unhappiness, we would be happy!

    Say our total happiness scale is at 60, and you want to get happier, you have to look around for the 40% that is irritating and not making you happy!

    We often tolerate things that are actually reducing the happiness of life.

    They don't have to big and drama filled, they can be simple things that each day zap just a bit of happiness. If we work to eliminate the things that are taking a piece of the happiness pie away, we will be just a bit more happy.

    So, I am going to watch for the things that grab me and pull me away from being happy and see how I can reduce or eliminate them.

    For, I am one of the very lucky ones, there is nothing huge in front of me that is making me unhappy.  However, if there are little unhappiness things floating around in my life, I need to find ways to reduce them. 

    Stop looking and dreaming of becoming happier, instead locate the unhappy things and deal with them.

    IMG_9272

    Another cool thing that Jesse did say, was "Remember Tomorrow". 

    So, when you are thinking about quitting, that you have given it your all, and you want to quit, think about how you will feel about this choice tomorrow? Will you have regrets?

    As we were hiking on the Pinkerton Creek trail on Saturday, we were almost to the end, and I realized my new hip wasn't feeling so good. And, we still had to walk out as far as we had walked in. We were close to the end, but I said, "We better turn around," and we did.  After hiking a few minutes, heading back to the jeep, I then thought of "Remember Tomorrow."  And, changed my mind and direction. We finished the trail to the lake.

    And, what a gorgeous sight awaited us, and cooler temps and no bugs and a wonderful place to rest a bit before we headed out. The little rest helped my hip recover for the hike out.  

    This technique works for other things too, like when you are going to break a vow you have with yourself, or when you are hedging from making a decision about whether to go or join etc.  What we do today, will affect how we feel about ourselves tomorrow.

    I love this.

    I will "Remember Tomorrow" when making decisions.


    IMG_9185

    We can also remember tomorrow, when we make the decisions that are hard for the moment.  We can do what is hard to day, to make a happier tomorrow!  

    Often the choices I have made, had a much bigger impact on tomorrow, and in that moment caused me pain.

    Remember Tomorrow!

     


  • Lie together.

    Edge States – from "A View From the Edge" by Joan Halifax

     

    "Over the years, I slowly became aware of five internal and interpersonal qualities that are keys to a compassionate and courageous life, and without which we cannot serve , nor can we survive. Yet if these precious resources deteriorate, they can manifest as dangerous landscapes that cause harm. I call these bivalent qualities Edge States."

    "The Edge States are altruism, empathy, integrity, respect, and engagement, assets of mind and heart that exemplify caring, connection, virtue and strength. Yet we can also lose our firm footing on the high edge of any of these qualities and slide into a mire of suffering where we find ourselves caught in the toxic and chaotic waters of the harmful aspects of an Edge State."

    "Altruism can turn into pathological altruism. Selfless actions is service to others are essential to the well-being of society and the natural world. But sometimes, our seemingly altruistic acts harm us, harm those whom we are trying to serve, or harm the institutions we serve in."

    "Empathy can slide into empathic distress. When we are able to sense into the suffering of another person, empathy brings us closer to one another, can inspire us to serve, and expands our understanding of the world. But if we take on too much of the suffering of another, and identify too intensely with it, we may become damaged and unable to act."

    "Integrity points to having strong moral principles. But when we engage in or witness acts that violate our sense of integrity, justice, or beneficence, moral suffering can be the outcome."

    "Respect is a way we hold beings and things with high regard. Respect can disappear into the swamp of toxic disrespect, the we go against the grain of values and principles of civility, and disparage others or ourselves."

    "Engagement in our work can give a sense of purpose and meaning to our lives, particularly if our work serves others. But overwork, a poisonous work place, and the experience of the lack of efficacy can lead to burnout,which can cause physical and psychological collapse."

    "Like a doctor who diagnoses and illness before recommending a treatment, I felt compelled to explore the destructive side of these five virtuous human qualities. Along the way, I was surprised to learn that even in their degraded forms, Edge State can teach and strengthen us, just as bone and muscle are strengthened when exposed to stress, or if broken or torn, can heal in the right circumstances and become stronger for having been injured."

    "In other words, losing our footing and sliding down the slope of harm need not be a terminal catastrophe. there is humility, perspective, and wisdom that can be gained from our greatest difficulties. In her book "The Sovereignty of Good (1970), Iris Murdoch defined humility as a "selfless respect for reality." She writes that "our picture of ourselves has become too grand." This I discovered from sitting at the bedside of dying people and being with caregivers. Doing this close work with those who were dying and this who were giving care showed me how serious the costs of suffering can be for the patient as well as the caregiver. Since that time, I have learned from teachers, lawyers, CEOs, human rights workers, and parents that they can experience the same. I was then reminded of something profoundly important and yet completely obvious: that the way out of the storm and mud of suffering, the way back to freedom on the high edge of strength and courage is through the power of compassion. This is why I took a deep dive into trying to understand what Edge States are and how they can shape our lives and the life of the world." Joan Halifax

     

    Okay, this is on page 4, so I have lots to read.

    However, what I love so far is that she is sharing the dark side of what we believe are good states.

    I have intuitively known this -first by my own experiences, and then, by watching others become harmed.

     

    There is a dark side to handling suffering.

    It isn't as simple as I have been led to believe.

    This dark side, I believe is very much alive in dysfunctional homes and cult-like religions.

    The debate I had with myself over and over again, about my own sense of empath or integrity, now makes sense.

    The real debate was more about entering into the dark side.

    Often it literally felt like I was on the edge, and the fine line was hard to stand on.

    Too much feeling wasn't better.

    And, just because I sensed their pain, it didn't mean I had to enter into it and lose myself.

    What I know to be true to me, if the actions of empathy or respect, is harmful to me, it isn't a good action.

    And, I have often been ridiculed for my lack of actions.

    This book, so far explains why much better than I could have articulated with words.

    I knew this; but it certainly helps to have someone else write about it.

    Edge States – the good and the bad lie together.

      IMG_1297

  • Your life is your reality at this moment.  It changes as things in your life change.

    I was a woman who had a bad hip; but was able to live her life relatively "normal". There were getting to be more and more restrictions and limitations; led by pain.

    Now, I am on the other side of surgery. The surgery that I worked out for, the surgery that I lived carefully for, surgery that I needed to stay healthy for…the surgery was the goal.  

    Goal accomplished.

    I now have to set a new goal.

    My past few days are a blur of moving from chair to couch to chair to couch to eventually bed. 

    Sedative to say the least.

    Pills and water, food and time.

    Time to do what?

    What to do from a chair or couch.

    Can there be a better goal for the down time I am gifted?

    I felt a bit better yesterday and decide to make a book.

    A picture and word book for my granddaughter and I.

    This brought me into a new space while sitting or lying down.

    So my new goal will be to keep my mind entertained in exciting ways while sitting or lying down.

    It is as if my new world has a crisper focus.

    For a few days, I felt lost in the nothingness of sitting.

    I had to remember to be creative.

    I don't want this time to be just days and hours of space staring.

    I have been given a respite from the daily tossing of mail.

    The luxury of being home.

    For days at a time.

    The new me will be a woman in downtime mode.

    Resting and recovering for future busy time.

    My pain already is less.

    My mind less foggy, due to less pain pills.

    Apathy is replaced with things I can do sitting down.

    IMG_2002

    A book of Grandma Beth and Sylvi seems like a fun place to start!

  • "Instead of getting into battles over control, we need to engage our children to work with us in a collaborative manner when there's a disagreement.  Notice that I said, "collaborative" and didn't use the word "compromise." When we compromise, we tend to compromise ourselves, selling ourselves out to one degree or another. Although almost everyone thinks people should compromise, to do this is a far cry from the win-win solutions that can be achieved when we move away from a combative or controlling approach and simply collaborate."

    "Compromise asks us to sacrifice, surrounding something that may be important to us. In contrast, negotiating in a collaborative manner involves seeking a solution that's win-win for everyone. The difference is that instead of trying to beat the other out of as much territory as possible, by collaboration we search for how everyone can get the best deal. There's no capitulation involved, since the point is to satisfy as many wishes of each individual as possible."

    "Compromise comes from a feeling of lack, whereas collaborative negotiation ask us to embrace the insights that life offers us infinite possibilities. When we collaborate, we don't harbor a feeling of scarcity.  Instead, we operate from the assumption that there's enough the universe to make us all happy and we just have to figure out the way to manifest this. When we start from a feeling of infinite possibilities, we quickly realize that there are all kinds of options, plenty of choices."

    "To negotiate collaboratively isn't about "keeping the peace," which is usually the reason people compromise themselves. To negotiate collaboratively doesn't eliminate conflict, and the sooner we learn to tolerate each other's different viewpoints, the more readily we will be able to brainstorm a way forward that works for all parties…."  Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. "The Awakened Family"

     

    This way of working with each other when there is a disagreement will honor each person, instead of the push and pull of control to see who will release a part of themselves for compromise.

    I love how this works with the infinite possibilities compared to chopping away at the other person's sense of self.

    I believe the more we can stand fully in our own empowerment, and appreciate the same in others, we can then lean in to find a way to collaborate that will enhance all of our lives.

    I will no longer compromise; but gladly collaborate with you!

    IMG_4044

  • “Trauma isn’t what happened to you, but what happens inside you.”

    Tim Ferris Podcast

    https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-gabor-mate-new-paradigms-ayahuasca-redefining-addiction/id863897795?i=1000403111979&mt=2

    Above is a great podcast on trauma with Dr. Gabor Mate, it is long but has some good information.

    One point he made was "Trauma isn't what happened to you, but what happens inside you."

    This changes how we will look at abuse.

    Most often, I believe, folks will think, it happened along time ago, so just get over it.  But what they fail to appreciate what happened within us.

    It changes our insides, and not only the way we see ourselves; but the self that sees the world.

    Dr. Gabor spoke about there being two things our inner self needs as a child; one is attachment and the other is authenticity.

    And, when we have to lie to ourselves to be loved, we give up our authenticity.

    I know this to be true.

    In order for me to be accepted and part of the family unit, my truth had to be cast aside.

    And, oddly or perhaps not, when I stood by my self and my truth and began to live authentically, I lost the family.

    To live life disconnected from your authenticity, is to be set adrift without a self in the world. I know how this feels.  I lived like that for 46 years. I had no clue who the real me was and it was terrifying to disconnect from those I was attached to, because I didn't have a me to be attached to. 

    It is to be free floating for awhile.

    Exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

    I am going to go find myself, I don't know who I am or even that I was missing.

    A great listen for there are many things we don't often hear about childhood trauma and the effects it creates as well as different treatments that are trying to reconnect us with ourselves. And, he also speaks about addictions.

    He also agrees with Alice Miller and loves her books. He references "The Gifted Child."

    IMG_E3929

     

  • I finished listening to "I'll Push You" by Patrick Gray and Justin Skeesuck.  

    I purchased the book because the backdrop is The Way; The Camino Santiago.  A 500 mile hike in Spain.  I am drawn to this experience and love to read about it.

    Their journey is different for one friend is in a wheelchair. But that isn't what makes it so different; it is their friendship. 

     

    I love how the journey of 500 miles connects all those who hike the trail. 

    What I am most drawn to is how honest and authentic this path makes most.  It strips away the facade and busyness of life, as each persons is traveling in the same direction.

    Each are carrying their own weights and difficulties, and each is working to lighten the load; both inner and outer.

    The travelers are on their own journey while walking the same path. 

    The path is the same, the travelers unique.

    A life changing journey while walking.

    I would love to experience this when I retire. How awesome to be able to do this with a friend. I am not sure I would be brave enough to go it alone; unless I was part of a group.

    Knowing this may be on the horizon, I need to move more and continue growing strong muscles.

    Pre-Camino growing.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • What Powerful Looks Like.

    I met her first on a podcast, and then ordered her book,"A Beautiful Work in Progress"  Mirna Valerio.  She is my new role model of what is possible; no matter the type of body you have. While she is on the high end of the spectrum, she makes it possible for the rest of us to be placed somewhere on the line.

    Below is a great introduction to her!

     

    What I believe stops so many of us, is that we don't look like we should be biker, hiker, runner, ultra etc. And, think we have to look the part before we can do it.

    I LOVE that she is shattering the image that too many of us have and replacing it with her bold, unapologizing, badass, powerful self.

    We all need to adjust our image of what powerful, badass and athletic looks like.

    While I plodded along during the Great Bear Chase or while pedaling during the Copperman, I felt totally out of place amidst the strong, "in shape" athletes, and at the same time, that I was representing those of us who love to move; but don't look the part.

    To be out there even though societally we are not supposed to be. 

    She is out there breaking down barriers on a way Ultra scale going far beyond the expectations of many.

    She is giving those of us who don't look the part, permission to be there TOO.

    In her book, she wrote about taking Selfies when you go out and move.  I totally agree! I do this almost always.  It is to continually post that we can.

    We can move.

    We can also press our own boundaries.

    We can bike a little farther, we can hiker longer, snowshoe further, etc.

    And, bit by bit, we become stronger, empowered and included in the fun activities our bodies are capable of doing.

    She has raised the ceiling to infinity of what we can do – IF we erase the old image of what athletic looks like.

    IMG_3147

    And, we can change the images, by posting each time we are out there moving, enjoying, pushing, and challenging ourselves.

    Let's change what powerful looks like!

     

  • In reading Brene Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, she writes about having a strong back.

    "Strong Back"

    "All of us spend our life constantly strengthening our back, softening our front, and trying to listen to the whisper of our wild heart. For some of us, however, the focus of our work will be on developing a strong back. When strengthening our back is our particular challenge, we are often driven by what people think. Perfecting, pleasing, proving, and pretending get in the way of a strong back. Our way to strengthen our courage muscle is learning how to put BRAVING into practice. That work looks like this."

    Boundaries: Learning to set, hold and respect boundaries. The challenge of letting go of being liked and the fear of disappointing people.

    Reliability: Learning how to say what you mean and mean what we say. The challenge is not overcommitting and overpraising to please others or prove ourselves.

    Accountability: Learning how to step up, be accountable, take responsibility, and issue meaningful apologies when we're wrong. The challenge is letting go blame and staying out of shame.

    Vault: Learning how to keep confidences, to recognize what's ours to share and what's not. The challenge is to stop using gossip, common enemy intimacies, and oversharing as a way to hotwire connection.

    Integrity: Learning how to practice our values even when it's uncomfortable and hard. The challenge is choosing courage over comfort in those moments.

    Nonjudgement: Learning how to give and receive help. The challenge is letting go of "helper and fixer" as our identity and source of our self-worth.

    Generosity: Learning how to set the boundaries that allow us to be generous in our assumptions about others. The challenge is being honest and clear with others about what's okay and not okay.

    "In her interview with Bill Moyers, Dr. Angelou said, "I belong to myself. I am very proud of that. I am very concerned how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much." Our work is to get to the place where we like ourselves and are concerned when we judge ourselves too harshly or allow others to silence us. The wilderness demands this level of self-love and self-respect."  Brene

     

    I love that she has broken down what we need to learn and the challenge that will arise when we do.  

    What happens when I lose control, is that I begin seeing my life through the lens of someone else.  When I forget to remember that who I am to myself is by far much more important.

    Living bravely certainly has challenges; but once faced and overcome, you will be able to look at yourself and talk like Dr. Angelou.

    I am so much more in like with me; than not.

    And, I am very concerned how what I do or do not do affects how I see me.

    My word for last year was dare and a friend gave me a bracelet that said "Brave."

    Having the courage to be brave IS the most important, in order to change your life.

    The hero's Journey is to become yourself, and to then truly love her, when you do!

    Real bravery is to belong to no one; but yourself.

    IMG_1875